Hi!
Could you please check my AOS essay?
I would like feedback on how to improve for sure, what I did well, editing to the essay and also a rough estimation of a mark.
Thank you so much and have a wonderful day 
Hey hey! Your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold; just click on the spoiler:
Spoiler
“The most significant ramifications of any discovery is change”
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification of a discovery because it can permanently change a person’s perceptions of the world around them and thus future experiences. I see where you are going here, but you've used the word 'change' in how you define the word 'change.' It's a little roundabout. Try to express this differently. This is evident in Go Back To Where You Came From by Ivan Mahoney through Raquel’s character where she matures and discovers a sense of compassion which offers her a greater understanding and awareness of her world. Don't go into too much textual detail; keep it simple and devote more time to conceptual explanation/elaboration. Change being a significant ramification of discovery is also evident in Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney as we see the poet’s and family’s emotional stability change through their process of discovery, which ultimately would affect their future experiences. A good start to an intro; but some more conceptual development is needed. More explanation of how perceptions of the world are altered, and what exactly this means (how/why?). Further, try a concluding sentence that brings everything together more effectively.
Go Back to Where You Came From effectively explores how it is human nature to change as a consequence of discovering something new as it renews one’s perceptions about their world around them. This conceptual statement seems just a little unclear; I think it could be simplified somewhat. The second half, the "renews one's perceptions" section; I don't see how this ties in with the first bit. This could tie back to a bit more work being needed at the start. This is effectively conveyed through Raquel’s discovery of the refugee reality. Raquel’s overarching attitude towards the social experiment and refugees is seen through her blunt statements and reluctance to interact with anyone else as she says “I just don’t like Africans.” Be careful when discussing characters; they are PUPPETS. You should ALWAYS be discussing composer choices; the composer's use of blunt language in Raquel's dialogue, for example. This shows her socioeconomic position and her portrayal as an unempathetic yet overly proud Australian. How does that relate to Discovery? Her ignorance reminds the audience that she needs to discover more and makes the audience realise that Raquel will undergo the most drastic change. However, through her traumatising experiences in Kenya as she lives the life of her refugee, she discovers the confronting nature of discoveries. The quick camera movements help to create the tension that Raquel is undergoing as she is unable to adapt to the situation through her flustered facial expressions. She says “I’m a bit terrified. It’s not my country. I’m not familiar with any of this,” expressing the idea that constant rediscoveries of living conditions reflect the confronting and provocative nature of refugee experiences, hence changing one’s perceptions about the world. Again, this concept doesn't quite sit right with me. Also watch that first part of the sentence, "She says" immediately suggests you are recounting. As she is skyping the Masudi family in Kenya, we are able to see her changed attitude towards refugees as she discovers compassion. Retell. The close-ups of Raquel show her emotional reaction and the non-diegetic music in the background highlights the emotive significance of this journey and her new found compassion. Nice technique identification here! How does this relate to Discovery and change specifically though? Be specific! As she leaves the family in Kenya, she acknowledges her emotional ramification through the cinematic technique of a personal interview as she says “it’s a big shit. Yeah. It’s a big shift.” This drastic juxtaposition in tone compared to her attitude at the beginning of the journey emphasises how discoveries can transform and individual greatly. Excellent; this conceptual statement is much clearer than some of your previous ones. It is immediately obvious what you are trying to say; concepts should always just make sense immediately like this does. Therefore, Raquel discovers self-awareness through her intensely meaningful discovery, highlighting that the most significant ramification of discovery is change. A solid paragraph with lots of great technique identification and steps towards excellent analysis; more acknowledgement of the composer is needed. Remember, characters are puppets!
Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney explores how discoveries can change one’s emotional stability considerably. That last word doesn't add anything; be efficient! Besides that, a more effective conceptual statement than your previous paragraph! The change in the poet’s state of mind is seen through the family’s emotional journey as they discover the death of their youngest and the ramifications this leads to. Mid-term break was a poem set in the 1950s meaning that societal expectations were very strict and different compared to today’s. How is this seen in the poem? How is it relevant to Discovery? I love that you are using contextual reference, that is AWESOME, but you need to do something with it! The figure of a father was ‘patriarchal’ in the context and was expected to not show much emotion. However, this societal expectation is challenged due to the discovery of death. The father’s emotional response who is “crying” highlights the unusualness of the situation and how this death is unnatural as well as personal, hence showing how the most significant consequence of a discovery is change. Good conceptual links, but this is still retell. It's just saying what happened in the text. It needs to be a little more abstract, with a focus on techniques, not plot. The poet also describes the contrasting response from the mother and father as the poet says “as my mother held my hand In hers and coughed out angry tearless sighs” conveying the sense that she was too upset to cry but sensitive to the need of her eldest child for comfort, expressing her emotional response as she discovers loss. Technique? Without it, this is just retell. Heaney ends the poem with a single line stanza compared to the rest of the poem which has 3 line stanzas. The effect of this is to show the devastation that the narrator feels in order to make his grief stand out, showing how he has discovered grief and a sense of loneliness which changed him, making him more expressive. Ensure you have a proper conclusion for each of your paragraphs. What has been shown overall in Heaney's poem about Discovery?
Both texts convey that it is human nature to change when discoveries are intensely significant. This is a new way of expressing your ideas that isn't really introduced in the Thesis; be careful. If you want to talk about how 'significant' discoveries promote change, you need to reference significance in the Thesis. Go Back to Where You Came From effectively portrays how change is a significant ramification as a result of discovery through Raquel’s character as she discovers compassion and awareness about the world. Mid-Term Break powerfully conveys how negative discoveries can change one’s emotional stability as the family discovers sorrow and pain through their discovery of a death of a family member. Just like your Thesis, looking for a final sentence tying the two texts together and effectively answering the question.
Okay, so to summate my comments throughout a little bit; there are places in this essay that I go "Yep, this student is on the ball." So I know you know your stuff. But it's a little bit about consistency. I love your focus on techniques in the first paragraph, but you dropped back to retell a bit in the second. I love your conceptual clarity in the second paragraph, because in the first, the concepts were a little bit hard to fully grasp. The first paragraph had a concluding sentence, the second didn't. But the second had a much better introduction. Basically, you are
absolutely writing in the upper range, but you aren't doing it consistently just yet.
I like to give a few things to work on as primary concerns, and for you I'll give two:
1. Redevelop your Thesis and conceptual frameworks to be a little clearer. Particularly in your Thesis and first paragraphs, your explanations are a little vague; make them more succinct and this will likely make them clearer. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what is off about them, but I don't have that moment of "Yep, that makes sense." like I do with your second paragraph (see within for some examples). Doing this will not only improve your conceptual approach but naturally lead to a more coherent response to the question.
2. Ensure that all of your textual references (quotes, etc) have a technique attached, and that this technique is attributed
to the composer, not the character. This should reduce retell in your second paragraph and improve your analytical style in your first. Remember, for effective analysis, go to TEA -
Technique, Explain, Audience. For each quote, identify the technique, explain how the quote/reference relates to your idea, and acknowledge the effect on the audience.
So you should definitely take the mark I give with a pretty big grain of salt!! I'm obviously not a HSC marker. That said, I'd say this is sitting at around 11/15 right now, give or take a mark or two
I hope this feedback helps!
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