Free AOS essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me.  I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)

Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!! This made my day, great job brontem, this is why Elyse and I (and others) offer this service, for happy moments like that

[elysepopplewell]

Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me.  I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)

Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!

Amazing! I'm so stoked for you! But I just want to be clear - you get that 20/20. You went out on a limb to post your essay, and then you took on the feedback, then posted again, took the feedback again! Amazing!

You cried in your classroom, and reading this I went all wobbly lipped on the train. Keep on doing what you're doing!

Maybe put the essay to rest for a few weeks, then whip it out again and see if there's anything you can improve to make sure its applicable to as many rubric points as possible. You're going to smash this!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey
So I have written this essay on John Donne. I am having trouble with the 3rd paragraph (I cant seem to find any techniques in the quote). Can you please tell me where I am at . The 2nd paragraph is a little longer because the question asked for that poem specifically with reference to a least one  other.
P.S The question was; How does our understanding of the Renaissance enhance our interpretation of Donne's work?

Hey Alalamc!! I've attached your essay below! For future reference, this is a Discovery essay thread, next time, post your Module essays in our Advanced Module Marking Thread or Standard Module Marking Thread as appropriate!!

Spoiler

The approbation for classical languages and the values of ancient worlds; pursued through the wonder for the aesthetic past, acts as a dynamic initiator for modern culture. This is a really unique Thesis! I've never seen it before, I like it!! Such legacy enhances ones interpretation of metaphysical poet; John Donne’s, Holy Sonnets; “This is my Plays last scene TIMPLS” “The Relique TR” and “The Apparition TA”. Movements, as the Renaissance glorified preconceptions which otherwise would be seen as acts of vanquishment in the 16th Century, including; death, doubt and lost love. That sentence doesn't quite read properly, take another look? This notion not only ensured the regeneration of the classical past but also the enduring impact of such values on attitudes to social organisations and government. Though this is a short intro, it is loaded with a LOT of ideas, really great stuff! Perhaps consider expanding on that thought process in the middle a bit to round it out.

TIMPLS, through biblical allusion, expresses the paradox of death, challenging ones’ apperception of themselves, their sin and the universe. Make sure that before you hook into techniques and analysis, introduce your paragraph! Have a topic sentence which summarises your ideas, which I know this does, but I need something a little more summative. No techniques in the first sentence! Metaphorically referencing the personas’ life as a “pilgrimage”, Donne foreshadows the religious immaculacy of one’s soul after death. Such metaphysical conceit, positions death triumphant over Sin, adhering to TIMPLS principle objective. I'd word this slightly differently as 'Donne's' objective, slightly more appropriate. Moreover, the stark juxtaposition of tone and atmosphere between the euphemistic use of death, “I shall sleep a space” and the metaphoric allusion to spirituality “My ever-waking part shall see that face” intensifies the appraisal of the world after “gluttonous death”. The use of assonance implies the conception of spiritual continuity. The techniques are so strong in this paragraph, excellent! Such impression is further glorified through stereotypical pronouns; “her” delineating positive connotative values of beauty and gentleness, reflecting renaissance values of love. Thus Donne objectifies the axiomatic preconceptions of death, inferred by society and positions such circumstances instead, as metaphysical accomplishment. That paragraph had some very powerful analysis, great work! Just needs that introductory sentence, the conclusion is strong!

In similar context TR, enunciates an attempt to deceive death through love. Here is the style of introduction I wanted earlier! Try and give the detail you had in that first paragraph, this is a little light. The sonnet is an extended metaphor for an argument of the immortality of love on the grounds of notoriety. During Donne’s time, the Jacobean era saw the first establishment of English colonies in North America and the era of the famous ‘gunpowder plot’ to blow up parliament and Westminster. Donne himself perceived it as a time where “the new philosophy calls all in doubt”. The subject matter ‘doubt’ subjugates his religious poetry as he appraises his relationship with God. The disrepute nature of “a time… where mis-devotion doth commands” is expressed through Donne’s vernacular, subjective application of gender stereotypes. Both the persona and his lover are declared “relics” of love, in the same way Roman Catholic cultures declared objects of veneration, religious relics.  Donne’s use wit for characterisation “Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen”, metaphorically adduces the female lover as a figure of both sin and faith. We are getting lots of explanation in this paragraph, but less of audience impact, what should the audience take from this? Remember to continually link back to what the audience gets from the text. Such juxtaposition enhances the religious satire of the re-establishment of catholic views and divine directions of the modern world; “nature, injured by late law”. In addition, such conception is enhanced through the tautology of the metonymic view of women “to be more than one a bed”. The combination of satirical humour and wit induce an atmosphere concerning humour, further enhanced with the symbolic application of “relics”, Donne implies the continuity of love and humour even after death. Hence Donne positions love; a doctrinal notion, as transcendent over sin and death.Yep, not much at all to say about this paragraph, I think it is fabulous! Try adding a little more depth to your intro and conclusion, and also, remember to link back to what WE, as an audience, take away from the text. That's the focus of the question: "our understanding."


In contrast TA is a seductive sonnet, which satirically imitates the poetry of Petrarch; 14th century Italian poet. Cool intro, I like what it does contain, but it lacks the conceptual base of the other two! TA is as such an exaggeration of the Petrarchan idea that a rejected lover may die as result of rejection. Being a poet of the Elizabethan and Jacobean eras, Donne utilises the indirect, intertextual allusion of 16th Century Renaissance superstitions and conventions of death and love, as a framework to conjure an image aimed at intimidating his unwilling beloved, “When by thy scorn, O murderess, I am dead”……

Thus, Donne reconciles the teachings of God with his experience as a human in the modern world as well as depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs to which TIMPLS, TR and TA are a testament to. Not only does his poetry entwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, divulging into Donne’s perspective of world values. Thus, we as an audience come to our understanding that...: (would be the last sentence I'd like to see here)

This is a REALLY great essay, like wow! It's a really unique Thesis with powerful techniques and linked concepts, excellent work! You are tying in context and purpose really well also 

There are minor structural issues which I've mentioned, but my big improvement would be ensuring you mention the impact on the audience. What do we take away from a text? What do we learn? In this way, you address "our understanding," and "our interpretation," which is the focus of the question. Don't just explain what Donne wanted to achieve, what did we actually learn from the representation. Be sure you link to OUR understanding of the Renaissance too, but I'd say you are handling the contextual element of the question really well already.

That third paragraph definitely needs some expansion, but if you keep on the same track as the other two, it will be great! If you are having trouble with techniques in that particular work, you have two options. The first is to change texts, but since this isn't likely possible, your second option is to turn your structure around a bit. Talk about every sonnet in every paragraph, and instead of having paragraphs separated by text, separate them by context. For example, you could have a paragraph on love, one on death (very simplified). This is called an integrated response, and I'm happy to expand on that if you are interested!

That said, keep spying for techniques! Remember textual form and style can qualify, but your other two paragraphs are so strong, it won't do you any good to drop it off in the final paragraph!

Really great work Alalamc!! Hope this feedback helps 

[Alalamc]

Hey Alalamc!! I've attached your essay below! For future reference, this is a Discovery essay thread, next time, post your Module essays in our Advanced Module Marking Thread or Standard Module Marking Thread as appropriate!!

Omg Im so sorry didnt realise as I had only used this thread so far ☺. Will do nxt time.

[jamonwindeyer]

Omg Im so sorry didnt realise as I had only used this thread so far ☺. Will do nxt time.

Totally fine Alalamc, not a problem at all!! 

[aqsarana_]

Hi, i have attached my discovery essay below. Can i please get feedback for it? Thank you.

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience.

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery.

Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition.

The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, not in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status.  Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the  powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth.

[Jimmy Barnes]

This is an adaptable essay I am writing for the discovery AOS and I am aiming to make it adaptable as possible, would you be able to quickly run over and tell me where I can improve?

BTW cheers for all the consistently good work you guys are all doing, you're lifesavers

[elysepopplewell]

Hi, i have attached my discovery essay below. Can i please get feedback for it? Thank you.

Hello! I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier Especially for a fellow studier of "Go back to where you came from!" I studied that too, so I'm excited to lend a hand

If you haven't already seen it, you can download my own essay with GBTWYCF online for free here.

Your essay without any of my own comments is in this spoiler here:

Spoiler

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience.

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery.

Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition.

The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, not in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status.  Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the  powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth.

and your essay with my own comments in bold font throughout is here:

Spoiler

Discovery is a multifaceted process providing new? different? altered? renewed? I think an adjective might work well here! insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience. I love this introduction! You should be super stoked with this. I really think that this essay is great for adapting as well. So when you get into an exam and see the question, there is a lot that you can do with this introduction.

Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others in Go Back.... Oops, we haven't introduced the text we are talking about yet. I know you're talking about Go Back  because I analysed the same technique, but we have to state the text The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant,Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees When is the eye-level camera used? Is it in an indirect interview? In a written text, you don't have to always state where the quote comes from. But with a film, eye-level camera can be used anywhere. So it's good to clarify. Excellent analysis though - eye to eye!. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with after discovering insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery. You've used a lot of techniques here which is so good to see. You've done a really really good job here.

Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The "accepted perspectives" in this part of the thesis is a bit unclear to me. Someone has discovered accepted perspectives? Try re-organise this sentence a bit or choose different wording, I'm not quite following what you intend for the thesis The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people. Indigenous is an adjective, not a noun., revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous people, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. Really great analysis. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.

Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings.  The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition. I am seriously so impressed! Awesome stuff here.

The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous peopledue to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.

For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” The parts I've added in bold - I think this just adds a bit more clarity to the fact that you are quoting Adam. This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status.  Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation which is symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions  corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.

The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society.  Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.

The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power becomes a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the  powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Just to make this conclusion slightly longer, I'd deal with each of the texts in their own sentence instead of just one.

You've done a SERIOUSLY excellent job here! You should be so stoked. Everything I've suggested is quite minor. I think the next step for you is to get your hands on as many papers as you can (including last year's hsc paper) and adapt your essay to those questions. This will be a real test for your essay, but I think you've done a wonderful job so it won't be too hard.

It's a pleasure to read this essay

[elysepopplewell]

This is an adaptable essay I am writing for the discovery AOS and I am aiming to make it adaptable as possible, would you be able to quickly run over and tell me where I can improve?

BTW cheers for all the consistently good work you guys are all doing, you're lifesavers

Haha thanks Jimmy Barnes, we appreciate it

Here is your essay without comments:

Spoiler

The conceptual essence of discovery entails a journey that is transformative and concerns one’s relationship with one’s self or one’s world. Discoveries can be either sought or serendipitous and can lead to auspicious or adverse consequences, but ultimately, (Integrate Thesis). This facet of discovery is elucidated upon in Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, The Tempest and Lewis Carroll’s 19th century children’s novel, Alice in Wonderland. Both these texts integrate the themes of disillusionment and freedom throughout as a medium for underpinning their respective, yet strikingly homogenous representations of discovery as a (Integrate Thesis).

Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).

Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.















While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept is often at a dichotomy with Prospero’s overbearing nature, as seen in Act 4 scene 1 when Prospero says to Ferdinand, ‘Then as my gift and thine own acquisition Worthily purchased, take my daughter’. Construing Miranda as an object through his meticulous diction in ‘gift‘ and ‘purchased‘, Prospero establishes Miranda’s life as a succession of events controlled over by him without any external influence. However, this assertion is at odds with Act 3 Scene 1 when Miranda is with Ferdinand and Prospero is elsewhere, saying ‘And mine, with my heart in ‘t. And now farewell till half an hour hence’. Miranda’s succession of symbolic metaphors, referring to Ferdinand taking her hand for marriage and her heart, serves to highlight Miranda’s dissent from Prospero. Despite Prospero’s acceptance later, Miranda unveils her repressed sexuality and yearns to marry Ferdinand, regardless of her father’s wishes. Miranda’s sexual liberation represents her freedom after discovering Ferdinand, as this (Integrate Thesis) sparked Miranda’s freedom from Prospero.

Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).

The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction of an world antithetical from Alice’s that stimulates innumerable intrinsic and extrinsic discoveries about life itself. Whilst essentially different in their endings, both texts represent the (Adjective) nature (Integrate Thesis) through the homogenous themes of disillusionment and freedom. In short, discovery is an unending journey that transcends time and place as it reflects our need to find personal meaning in our world, while occasionally (Integrate Thesis).

Here is your essay with comments:

Spoiler

The conceptual essence of discovery entails a journey that is transformative and concerns one’s relationship with one’s self or one’s world. My first impression of this thesis is that it is too wordy. Entails doesn't seem to be the right word for me, but perhaps this is because it's paired with conceptual essence. If it was a very short thesis, these power-packed words would be more digestable. So, consider cutting the thesis in half or changing some words. This is just my opinion on first glance, others may disagree Discoveries can be either sought or serendipitous and can lead to auspicious or adverse consequences, but ultimately, (Integrate Thesis). This facet of discovery is elucidated upon in Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, The Tempest and Lewis Carroll’s 19th century children’s novel, Alice in Wonderland. Both these texts integrate the themes of disillusionment and freedom throughout as a medium for underpinning their respective, yet strikingly homogenous representations of discovery as a (Integrate Thesis). Awesome! The introduction of the texts onwards is perrrrrrrrfect!

Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes Ask your teacher what they think about oftentimes - It is archaic in Australian English, so check with your teacher about their impression of it associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).
Awesome! You've mentioned discovery in the start, middle and end of the paragraph so you never lose sight of what it is your discussing!
Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). Very interesting - usually I think that topic sentences that introduce the text instead of leaving the text out, are a bit awkward. But this seems very sophisticated!!This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). Good - I wasn't sure if you were going to have some techniques to support this quote, but I'm glad they came later on. Consider switching this sentence with the portmanteau sentence. The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.

While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept is often at unsure of this wording - not very clear. a dichotomy with Prospero’s overbearing nature, as seen in Act 4 scene 1 when Prospero says to Ferdinand, ‘Then as my gift and thine own acquisition Worthily purchased, take my daughter’. Construing Miranda as an object through his meticulous diction in ‘gift‘ and ‘purchased‘, Prospero establishes Miranda’s life as a succession of events controlled over by him without any external influence. However, this assertion is at odds with Act 3 Scene 1 when Miranda is with Ferdinand and Prospero is elsewhere, saying ‘And mine, with my heart in ‘t. And now farewell till half an hour hence’. Miranda’s succession of symbolic metaphors, referring to Ferdinand taking her hand for marriage and her heart, serves to highlight Miranda’s dissent from Prospero. Despite Prospero’s acceptance later, Miranda unveils her repressed sexuality and yearns to marry Ferdinand, regardless of her father’s wishes. Miranda’s sexual liberation represents her freedom after discovering Ferdinand, as this (Integrate Thesis) sparked Miranda’s freedom from Prospero. Really strong - you followed through with the thesis in a solid way.

Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).

The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction of an a world antithetical from Alice’s that stimulates innumerable intrinsic and extrinsic discoveries about life itself. Whilst essentially different in their endings, both texts represent the (Adjective) nature (Integrate Thesis) through the homogenous themes of disillusionment and freedom. In short, discovery is an unending journey that transcends time and place as it reflects our need to find personal meaning in our world, while occasionally (Integrate Thesis).

I think this is going to work marvellously  for you. You've given careful consideration for the places that will require the new thesis to be incorporated. The next step is to go through and look at the places that stood out to me as being wordy or unclear and adjusting them as you please. Then, you should start applying this to different questions! You've prepared yourself so well here

[shazzzzzz]

I would really like to apologize for the mess of an essay (if you can even call it that) that you are about to read, if you are so gracious enough to do that for me!
 It's really messy and all over the place and I apologize, it was just my attempt at trying to get all the ideas in my head down and on paper and trying to make it sort of coherent. I know that once I go back over it I can edit it and make it sound like a human being wrote it and not some weird alien who has just arrived on earth (and has decided to take the HSCS???)

My concerns are
- if my ideas are actually making sense
- my evidence and support for my thesis (whether they're good or not)
- introduction
- i have too many words, i don't know where to cut down so if could suggest some areas which could be reworded or just scrapped
- two of my concepts are similar (first one deals with how discovery challenges and makes people aware of their beliefs while the second one deals with how discoveries can change individuals and society) and i've definitely repeated myself so I'm not sure how to avoid that but still keep my two concepts, so any and all suggestions would be amazingly helpful.

Thank you so much!!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks! 

[elysepopplewell]

I would really like to apologize for the mess of an essay (if you can even call it that) that you are about to read, if you are so gracious enough to do that for me!
 It's really messy and all over the place and I apologize, it was just my attempt at trying to get all the ideas in my head down and on paper and trying to make it sort of coherent. I know that once I go back over it I can edit it and make it sound like a human being wrote it and not some weird alien who has just arrived on earth (and has decided to take the HSCS???)

My concerns are
- if my ideas are actually making sense
- my evidence and support for my thesis (whether they're good or not)
- introduction
- i have too many words, i don't know where to cut down so if could suggest some areas which could be reworded or just scrapped
- two of my concepts are similar (first one deals with how discovery challenges and makes people aware of their beliefs while the second one deals with how discoveries can change individuals and society) and i've definitely repeated myself so I'm not sure how to avoid that but still keep my two concepts, so any and all suggestions would be amazingly helpful.

Thank you so much!!! 

Hello! Thanks for posting, and for sharing your concerns! I'll go through and point out any concerns I have, as a third party person, so you can see what fresh eyes say

Here is your essay without any comments:

Spoiler

Robert Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity. This same sentiment is echoed in Hugh Evan’s TedTalk Global Citizenship, where the speaker reveals how his confrontation with extreme poverty led to his transformed perspective of human relationships. Each text shows how discovery may challenge our beliefs but this confrontation can lead to new ideals with its impact transforming the individual but also society.

In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to  ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts.

As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they too stimulate new ideas within the individuals. In the TEDTalk Global Citizenship, after experiencing extreme poverty first hand, Evans proposes the idea of the global citizen, a person who ‘self identifies not as a member of state or a tribe or a nation but as a member of the human race’ as a way to combat the ramifications of division. His use of polysyndeton emphasises the excess ways in which humans separate themselves and how his proposal of global citizenship transcends this superficial division, uniting humanity. Evans idea comes as a response to the unjust circumstances he discovers in the Philippines which inspires him to bring about a positive change in the world. Similarly in the tuft of flowers, the grass turner's discovery of the spared flowers, invites him to explore the possibility of a new companion. The persona exclaims his joy at finding a spirit kindred to his own, his use of the phrase kindred spirit draws attention to how despite being physically separate from the mower the grass turner feels spiritually linked to him. The grass turner's discovery of the tuft of flowers which he recognizes as a sign of shared admiration for nature by the mower, inspires him to consider the future possibilities his new found friendship allows him. As seen in the quote ‘so that henceforth I worked no more alone,  the employment of the word henceforth illustrates how the grass turner sees this alliance as a turning point in his life, he will no longer be separated from humanity.

In the individual texts the impact of discovering the unfruitful nature of division is shown to be transformative for the individual but also society. The conversation or lack of that takes place in Frost's poem Mending Wall, highlights to the responder the detrimental effects of barriers, physical or otherwise, with this discovery transforming their perspective on separation. In the line ‘we keep the wall between us as we go/To each the boulders that have fallen to each’ Frosts manipulation of the scenes imagery allows the readers to envisage the two men working side by side however the repetition of the phrases between us and to each stresses their emotional and intellectual division. The responder can sense the two men’s inability to communicate with each other through the comparison of their engagement to a game, one on a side, stressing how there is no companionable exchange between them. As the poem ends the responder clearly sees the damage the wall has caused through the neighbours reluctance to engage with the speaker, only repeating his father’s saying but also through the speakers gradual belittlement of his neighbour, demeaning him to an old stone savage. By the poem's end the responder discovers  the harmful nature of barriers with their perspective on separation transformed or at least shifted from what it was before the poem. Like how the responders of Mending Wall learn of the destructiveness of division, Hugh Evans recounts a similar journey in his TedTalk, Global Citizenship.  In his live talk Evans recounts his experience at the Philippines, in extreme poverty, stating the trip changed his life forever. The hyperbolic statement emphasises how Evans realisation of the injustice that can be brought about through borders transformed his perspective on separation. Evans encounter with the then foreign minister of Australia is revealed No one cares for foreign aid, we have to take care of our own backyard first, is what the minister replies to Evans altruistic intentions. The use of colloquialism imparts a sense of realism unto the audience, as the concept of taking care of our own is familiar. He debases the minister's argument through real life examples, When we ignored Rwanda, when we ignore Syria…the impact comes right to our shore’, illustrating how by helping others we help ourselves. His employment of anaphora accentuates the consequences of being apathetic and supporting division. Evans’s discovery has not led to just his own transformation but his proposal of Global Citizenship can possibly transform the foundations of society, claiming as a global movement, we could end diseases like polio and malaria. This similar journey of transcending superficial division and gaining a connection to humanity is explored in Frost’s poem The Tuft of flowers. The grass turners feeling of isolation is established when he looks and listens for the mower, he longs for company, ‘But [the mower] had gone his way’ the interjecting point illustrates a sense of regret within the grass turner he is alone and let down. His isolation is short lived as a butterfly leads him to discover a tuft of flowers the mower had left to flourish, the grass turner develops a connection to the mower. He hears ‘the awakening of the birds around and…hears the [the mowers] long scythe whispering, through his discovery of the flowers the grass turner forgoes isolation and reaches a spiritual tie with the mower. The aural imagery evoked by Frost suggests the persona has become one with mower and that they have gone beyond physical separation.

And here is your essay with my comments in bold font throughout:

Spoiler

Robert My first suggestion for all AOS essays is that the first sentence, and possibly even the second sentence, flesh out ideas about discovery before introducing the texts. The reason for this is, the module here focuses on discovery, not on texts. So when you discuss the texts first, you privilege them in the essay over the concept of discovery. So, pick a thesis statement that responds to the question, and also suits your own understanding of what discovery means. Then flesh it out in a second sentence that introduces the ideas that will direct your body paragraphs.Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity. This same sentiment is echoed in Hugh Evan’s TedTalk Global Citizenship, where the speaker reveals how his confrontation with extreme poverty led to his transformed perspective of human relationships. Each text shows how discovery may challenge our beliefs but this confrontation can lead to new ideals with its impact transforming the individual but also society.

In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. You need to introduce Frost as the author, or his body of work, before assuming that we know Mending Wall is a text of his Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. Amazing analysis!By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to  ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? Are these rhetorical questions quotes?The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts. You've done a lot of really good work here with quote, technique, analyse. It's really original and well thought out, and you definitely don't neglect your ideas about discoveries, challenges, etc. Before you introduce a new poem, you need to identify that it is a poem. I read Sunny Boy as though he is a character, then as if he was a poem, and it went like that for a little bit. This comes from my ignorance of your texts, but also I think just for purpose of clarity, introducing a new poem clearly works best.

As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they too also/consequently stimulate new ideas within the individuals. In the TEDTalk Global Citizenship, after experiencing extreme poverty first hand, Evans proposes the idea of the global citizen, a person who ‘self identifies not as a member of state or a tribe or a nation but as a member of the human race’ as a way to combat the ramifications of division. His use of polysyndeton emphasises the excess ways in which humans separate themselves and how his proposal of global citizenship transcends this superficial division, uniting humanity. Evans idea comes as a response to the unjust circumstances he discovers in the Philippines which inspires him to bring about a positive change in the world. Similarly in the tuft of flowers, the grass turner's discovery of the spared flowers, invites him to explore the possibility of a new companion. This last sentence is a bit confusing to me - not entirely sure what it adds. I think it comes from the fact that I don't know what a grass turner is - and it seems important for me to know because its mentioned later on too. Consider rephrasing:) The persona exclaims his joy at finding a spirit kindred to his own, his use of the phrase kindred spirit draws attention to how despite being physically separate from the mower the grass turner feels spiritually linked to him. The grass turner's discovery of the tuft of flowers which he recognizes as a sign of shared admiration for nature by the mower, inspires him to consider the future possibilities his new found friendship allows him. As seen in the quote ‘so that henceforth I worked no more alone,  the employment of the word henceforth illustrates how the grass turner sees this alliance as a turning point in his life, he will no longer be separated from humanity. You were concerned that this wouldn't be much different from the first paragraph, but I definitely think it is! However, the end of your first body paragraph was stronger - it linked back to the idea of discovery in a stronger way. consider adding a sentence of two at the end here to seal the deal. In order to adjust your word count  back to compensate for these extra sentences, then go back in this paragraph and try combine two sentences into one a few times. You have the capability of doing this, because a few sentences have the capacity to be said in a clearer way.

In the individual texts "Individual texts" is a bit unclear - what do you mean by individual texts? the impact of discovering the unfruitful nature of division is shown to be transformative for the individual but also society. The conversation, or lack of, (comma splice is important here so that it reads as you want it too) that takes place in Frost's poem Mending Wall, Awesome! This is what I meant by introducing the text as a poem b] highlights to the responder the detrimental effects of barriers, physical or otherwise, with this discovery transforming their perspective on separation. Awesome integration of discovery! In the line ‘we keep the wall between us as we go/To each the boulders that have fallen to each’ Frosts manipulation of the scenes imagery allows the readers to envisage the two men working side by side however the repetition of the phrases between us and to each stresses their emotional and intellectual division. The responder can sense the two men’s inability to communicate with each other through the comparison of their engagement to a game, one on a side, stressing how there is no companionable exchange between them. As the poem ends the responder clearly sees the damage the wall has caused through the neighbours reluctance to engage with the speaker, only repeating his father’s saying but also through the speakers gradual belittlement of his neighbour, demeaning him to an old stone savage. By the poem's end the responder discovers  the harmful nature of barriers with their perspective on separation transformed or at least shifted from what it was before the poem. Like how the responders of Mending Wall learn of the destructiveness of division, Hugh Evans recounts a similar journey in his TedTalk, Global Citizenship.  In his live talk Evans recounts his experience at the Philippines, in extreme poverty, You've already stated that the TedTalk relates to an experience in the Philippines in extreme poverty, so this is a chance to potentially cut this bit out, to save on words stating the trip changed his life forever. The hyperbolic statement emphasises how Evans realisation of the injustice that can be brought about through borders transformed his perspective on separation. Evans encounter with the then foreign minister of Australia "The foreign Minister at the time, Peter Dutton..." (or whoever the FM was) sounds smoother than "the then foreign minister" is revealed No one cares for foreign aid, we have to take care of our own backyard first, is what the minister replies to Evans altruistic intentions. The use of colloquialism imparts a sense of realism unto the audience, as the concept of taking care of our own is familiar. Great, short, powerful analysis.He debases the minister's argument through real life examples, When we ignored Rwanda, when we ignore Syria…the impact comes right to our shore’, illustrating how by helping others we help ourselves. His employment of anaphora accentuates the consequences of being apathetic and supporting division. Evans’s discovery has not led to just his own transformation but his proposal of Global Citizenship can possibly transform the foundations of society, claiming as a global movement, we could end diseases like polio and malaria. This similar journey of transcending superficial division and gaining a connection to humanity is explored in Frost’s poem The Tuft of flowers. The grass turners feeling of isolation is established when he looks and listens for the mower, he longs for company, ‘But [the mower] had gone his way’ the interjecting point illustrates a sense of regret within the grass turner he is alone and let down. His isolation is short lived as a butterfly leads him to discover a tuft of flowers the mower had left to flourish, the grass turner develops a connection to the mower. He hears ‘the awakening of the birds around and…hears the [the mowers] long scythe whispering, through his discovery of the flowers the grass turner forgoes isolation and reaches a spiritual tie with the mower. The aural imagery evoked by Frost suggests the persona has become one with mower and that they have gone beyond physical separation.

Okay! Your textual analysis is really good here. You have done an awesome job at picking awesome techniques from the text and making sure they link to your ideas.

I think a problem you are facing is that the length of your paragraphs detracts from the strength and punchiness of what it actually contains. So you're right, you do need to cut down on some words! I suggest taking a look at this little guide I wrote up this morning that tries to tackle the problem you're facing. It is called "Your essay is a lot like cordial - seriously!" Have a read and see if you can see what I mean about cutting things out. I've suggested a few places throughout where this needs to happen, but hopefully with fresh eyes you can go through and some sentences will jump out as being worthy of adjusting

Your introduction needs to be carried by discovery notions, not texts. Which I pointed out, so let me know if you're unsure about it. And your conclusion also needs to follow this path! When writing your conclusion, make sure that you stay discovery focused, and simply use the texts as evidence of what you present about discovery - don't let the conclusion be text driven. For other modules, the texts can dominate the essay! But this module is about discovery, and you have to privilege discovery over everything else

Let me know what you think! You've got a lot to work with here. Now it's just about trimming down to optimise the strength of your arguments

[shazzzzzz]

Thank you so much Elyse! I really appreciate it, I feel a lot more confident about my textual analysis now
I understand your point about making discovery the main focus but I'm not sure how to execute that, could you provide me with an example on how I could accomplish that?

[jamonwindeyer]

Thank you so much Elyse! I really appreciate it, I feel a lot more confident about my textual analysis now
I understand your point about making discovery the main focus but I'm not sure how to execute that, could you provide me with an example on how I could accomplish that?

Hey Shaz! Sorry for the delayed reply, I know Elyse has had a hectic couple of days at uni, so I thought I'd step in and try to lend a hand! 

From reading Elyse's feedback, what she is basically saying is to put the focus on Discovery as a concept, instead of your texts. So for an example, your first sentence:

Robert Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity.

By starting with the composer/text, you establish this as a text focused response. You want to abstract it a little and instead create a conceptual focus, which could be achieved like this (forgive my poor Discovery thesis skills, I didn't do this AoS):

Discovery is an inherently challenging notion, which challenges individuals to reconsider their own perspectives of the world around them. Indeed, considerations of human separation and unity are often manipulated by personal transformations. Such is explored in the poetry of Robert Frost...

Ignoring my slightly adapted Thesis which might not make sense for your poetry, see how I've talked about Discovery by itself? Only after I talk about the conceptual basis of my response do I bring in the text, thus showing the reader that the text isn't the important bit; discovery is the important bit! This pattern of discovery first, text ONLY as an example, is something that should resonate through your essay.

Feel free to ask me to clarify that!! I hope I've explained it clearly, and sorry again so much for the delay! 

[tahmina]

this site is so great, i appreciate all the time taken to mark these essays, would you be able to have quick look at mine please
concerns :
analysis
does my essay actually make sense
how strong is my discovery component ?
this is my AOS discovery component for standard english