Free AOS essay Marking!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Elyse!!

Could you have a look at my disc essay. I posted one back along long time ago and had it marked by Literally Lauren. Since then, I've changed it a lot for the upcoming trails. I'd be really grateful for any feedback

Hey hey! Don't know if I'm a match for Lauren, the beast she is, but I'll give it a go  essay attached, comments in bold, you know the drill 

Spoiler

Experiences of discoveries are inevitably [thesis]. I like that you leave that blank, leaves you prepared, but be ready to change the entire introduction to suit as well! The multifaceted nature of discoveries, however, implies a variegation of impacts, unique to each individual. At the crux of William’s Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest (1611), lies an exploration into the power of discoveries to transform an individual, inciting moral change and self growth. Divergently, Edgar Allen Poe’s short story The Tell tale Heart (1843) depicts the negative repercussions of similar discoveries. Nonetheless, both texts demonstrate the potential for discoveries to challenge pre-existing beliefs whilst engendering fresh perspectives and (answer thesis/question). Great Thesis, and it seems you are well prepared to handle anything that comes your way. Good to see!

By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Excellent start!! Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. These sentences are heavily 'retell' in nature. Although they have techniques, they are just telling me things about the text. As a marker, I'm looking for analysis of ideas, how techniques create meaning!! Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. What does this show the audience? Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”.  Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation. You are approaching your analysis from a very text focused place, which leads to lots of unnecessary retell. Remember, the text is just a composers method of communicating ideas, the composer is pivotal! Your sentences should be "Shakespeare does blah to show blah," not focusing on characters/recount.

Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. I've always loved this concept! Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. Fantastic, what does this show the audience though, about attitudes towards discovery? Keep the link strong. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. Good link between texts there, subtle but appreciated. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Good, took a bit to come to this point but effective nonetheless! Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus demonstrating to the audience _______.  Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries. I love that you are playing the texts against each other, and you've backed up your concept well. However, we are still very text focused, and further, I'm looking for more recognition of audience!

Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism.  Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Remember this isn't Caliban's language, it is Shakespeare's! Caliban is a PUPPET! Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. Good! However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. Good audience link, but it remains very text focused, not driven by a concept as would be ideal! The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”. Good conclusion, paragraph wrapped up nicely!

Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. These are, essentially, the same thing. I'd say they are essentially in agreement (unless this paragraph convinces me otherwise). The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. Slightly retell (with techniques), don't just use techniques to give more sophistication to recount, it must have a direct link to a Discovery concept specifically. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Perhaps swap this to "our" perspective? Don't neglect the audience! Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. Fabulous. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives. Fantastic conclusion there!

Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).

You should feel super confident with this diii, it is brilliant. Fantastic concepts, well structured with introduction and conclusion that are nice and adaptable, lots of examples from the text. All excellent! Of course, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't suggest some improvements 

First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer.

Basically, the idea here is that the characters in these texts are puppets. The composer manipulates them to tell a story and communicate ideas, but the characters themselves have no real relevance beyond that. They are puppets, without the composer to make choices they are nothing. This is the idea of effective english analysis. Your characters are puppets, so discussing them is in itself flawed!

Instead, you discuss the composer. Shakespeare's choices, why he made them, and what these choices do to communicate concepts about Discovery to the audience!  no retell, and no talking about what we learn about characters either, completely technique focused!! 

And there is your second bit of feedback, audience recognition! Texts are composed for an audience, and now we are interpreting the text as a new universal audience. Composers use techniques to give us new ideas, to communicate things TO US through literary devices You must recognise this in your essay by continually referring to what the audience gains from reading the text. If you don't tell the marker of your essay why the text teaches new ideas about concepts, then no good. Be consistent with this as much as is humanly possible!

Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," to demonstrate _______ and this shows the audience _________." Rinse and repeat sentences similar to this, and you'll remove retell and ensure the audience is mentioned: Win win 

So those are the main two; trimming retell and taking a more abstract stance with the composer, and then accentuating audience impact. Also be sure, whatever your question, you answer it well. That's your big danger when memorising.

All that said, there smaller comments throughout for you to read when you are ready, and please let me know if you have any questions!! 

It's now 3:30am, why the hell am I marking at this hour, I must be a glutton for punishment 

[Spencerr]

Hey Jamon

Thank you so much for marking it! Especially so quickly haha.

I've been having this retell problem mostly in AOS because how I see it is the plot itself shows the discovery. I'm just unsure on how composers can use techniques to represent discovery. Would you be able to give me an example of how I can change retell into analysis and representation choices

(essentially, I'm finding it hard to link techniques and their effect to discovery, so I've ended up using the plot and characters to convey discovery)

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Jamon

Thank you so much for marking it! Especially so quickly haha.

I've been having this retell problem mostly in AOS because how I see it is the plot itself shows the discovery. I'm just unsure on how composers can use techniques to represent discovery. Would you be able to give me an example of how I can change retell into analysis and representation choices

(essentially, I'm finding it hard to link techniques and their effect to discovery, so I've ended up using the plot and characters to convey discovery)

That's all good! Okay, it's a tough thing to get the hang of admittedly. As well as techniques showing Discovery, the plot does show Discovery too, but you need to link to how techniques accentuate this. Its a fine line: Here is an example. Let's take a sentence from your essay and adapt it to analysis of the composers choices, instead of the characters:

Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion.

So the idea here is to

a) More obviously portray this as Shakespeare's choice, not just something that 'happens' in The Tempest
b) Link more explicitly to the audience
c) Remove retell aspects

I would write the sentence something like this:

Shakespeare's use of anthropomorphism in Ariel's emotive declaration, "your affections would become tender," inspires compassion from his responders as he exemplifies the new-found humanity of the characters, and thus, how individuals can prompt evolution of the self.

Note that this is still slightly retell, but it's a forgivable level, because the focus is on Shakespeare making a representational decision and what it does for us as an audience. And importantly, I take your idea and make it relevant to the audience as a whole!

Here is an example of a completely abstracted, analytical sentence:

Poe's recurring use of a heartbeat motif continuously accentuates the theme of moral infallibility, as responders come to associate the "INSERT A QUOTE HERE FOR EVIDENCE OF HEARTBEAT" with a manifestation of internal guilt, creating a fearful and weary tone.

It's all about audience impact, and making the focus on the composer! I hope this helps you a tad! 

[Spencerr]

That's all good! Okay, it's a tough thing to get the hang of admittedly. As well as techniques showing Discovery, the plot does show Discovery too, but you need to link to how techniques accentuate this. Its a fine line: Here is an example. Let's take a sentence from your essay and adapt it to analysis of the composers choices, instead of the characters:

Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion.

So the idea here is to

a) More obviously portray this as Shakespeare's choice, not just something that 'happens' in The Tempest
b) Link more explicitly to the audience
c) Remove retell aspects

I would write the sentence something like this:

Shakespeare's use of anthropomorphism in Ariel's emotive declaration, "your affections would become tender," inspires compassion from his responders as he exemplifies the new-found humanity of the characters, and thus, how individuals can prompt evolution of the self.

Note that this is still slightly retell, but it's a forgivable level, because the focus is on Shakespeare making a representational decision and what it does for us as an audience. And importantly, I take your idea and make it relevant to the audience as a whole!

Here is an example of a completely abstracted, analytical sentence:

Poe's recurring use of a heartbeat motif continuously accentuates the theme of moral infallibility, as responders come to associate the "INSERT A QUOTE HERE FOR EVIDENCE OF HEARTBEAT" with a manifestation of internal guilt, creating a fearful and weary tone.

It's all about audience impact, and making the focus on the composer! I hope this helps you a tad! 

Thanks for clarifying! Yup definitely helps alot more

[elysepopplewell]

Hi, can i please get feedback for my AOS essay?

Hi there! I think that since you were here last, we updated the marking policy You can read more about it in the link in my signature below! Essentially, you have to make five ATAR Notes posts in order to get a piece of work marked So 5 posts = one piece of your work marked.

[liiz]

Hey liiz! I'd be happy too, but you've had 3 essays marked already, you need 20 posts to qualify for another set of feedback, sorry!! Let me know when you hit it and I'll add it to my list 

Hey Jamon, no worries - I hit up that chemistry forum and now have my posts up to 20!! Thanks so much

[angiezhang9]

Hey Angie! Sure thing, the essay is attached with comments in bold!

Oh, and I know there are people who question why this marking service is a public resource. Beyond keeping my schedule safe (though I am marking at 2:30am, so that's gone anyway  ):

That is why it is public. Because by posting and getting feedback, you are also helping others address weaknesses in their own writing. So good on you guys 

Spoiler

Discovery has the potential to challenge or affirm beliefs about the human experience and the world

The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the impact is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery. Fantastic Thesis, clever and effective. Ivan O’Mahoney’s documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ (2011) (“Go Back…”) explores the physical and emotional ramifications of a reverse refugee journey on representative participants. Peter Skrzynecki’s poetry “Crossing the Red Sea” and “Leaving Home” similarly examines the significant impacts of discovery upon refugees fleeing war-torn Europe. Both texts invite the responder to experience the intensely meaningfully journey of discovery that affirms or challenges an individual’s imbedded beliefs. Great introduction, works very well, only thing I'd add is a list of what your paragraphs will be discussing in terms of themes!

The transformation of an individual’s beliefs may be stimulated by an environment that impels discovery. Great conceptual start! O’Mahoney’s documentary opens with a pastiche of archival news footage and comments from politicians to “stop the boats”, representing the society’s view towards the “issue that divides a nation,” juxtaposing with the editorial cut to emotional and polarising footage of a sinking refugee boat. Excellent, but perhaps a tad too long a sentence? This provides factual, contextual information about the circumstance that stimulates the necessity of discovery whilst foreshadowing the documentary/reality tv’s purpose to evoke empathy among the audience. Excellent, audience focused analysis here! The platform for each of the participant’s discoveries is introduced through indirect interviews, allowing the responder to identify with the political ideologies of a participant and experience their discoveries. Raye’s harsh belief in her superior identity is encapsulated in an establishing low angle shot where she states in an aggressive tone: “I could’ve gone over with a gun and shot the lot of them [asylum seekers]…” Reword that sentence slightly to say the director CHOOSES that shot to accentuate her viewpoint, just to keep the focus on the techniques and the composer. The documentary/reality tv hybrid evokes injustice and irony through the mise-en-scene of her expansive farm, juxtaposing with the refugees who are imprisoned in the Denverbrackie detention centre next door. Slightly retell here. This positions the audience to identify her as a hypocritical and xenophobic representation of society’s increasing resentment towards asylum seekers. And immediately redeemed  Similarly, in “Crossing the Red Sea”, the persona’s exile from Poland after WWII initiates the necessity for discovery. Try to avoid retell even when introducing a text. It's not the persona's exile that communicates Discovery after all, it is Skrzynecki's techniques! The negative red imagery: “Blood leaves similar dark stains…rusted irons”, allows the audience to visualise the suffering of the immigrants which functions as a platform for their journey to freedom. They escape as “Neither masters nor slaves/As we crossed a sea”. The collective pronoun “we” and the juxtaposition of “masters” and “slaves” suggests the collective need to flee which ultimately leads to a journey of discovery. Thus, an individual’s personal context and environment stimulates discoveries that may affirm or challenge their perspectives. A great paragraph, you are definitely hammering the audience stuff home which is great! You are retelling a little bit though, be careful, and ensure that your first sentence permeates through the paragraph! It got a little lost along the way for me.

The confronting nature of discovery may challenge an individual’s perception towards themselves and others. Raye’s personal and emotive interaction with the Masudi family in the Kakuma Refugee Camp allowed her to “see” rather than “look” at the sufferings of the refugees. By using a 'character' (albeit real) from the text, you set up a section based on retell. Avoid! Her transformed perception that “if [improving the life of my children] meant getting on a boat I would probably go ahead and do it,” is reinforced through the visual metaphor of the setting sun. This symbolises the end of Raye’s original, parochial view towards refugees whilst the inevitability of the rising of a new day parallels her newfound enlightenment and compassionate identity. This is good stuff, you just need to frame it in a more conceptual light, talk about how the composer epitomises these changes! Similarly, Adam’s physical experience working with the Chin refugees challenges his initial belief of refugees as “criminals.” His empathetic discovery that “At home, guys labouring have got a pay cheque to go to…These guys have got nothing” is reflected through the emotional non diegetic music. What is the fact on the audience? Furthermore, the long shot of him working in the fields demonstrates the stark contrast between his privileged life on the shore of Cronulla. Shifting towards retell a little bit here. This manipulated the responder to reflect on their own fortunate life and evoke a sense of empathy towards refugees. Ensure all analysis is done in present tense ("manipulateS"). Skrzynecki’s similarly conveys how discovery can transform an individual’s beliefs. At the beginning, the persona’s belief that “The sea’s breath touched the eyes of another Lazarus” employs biblical allusion to indicate his belief in the salvation and resurrection that his migrant journey will lead to. This juxtaposes the metaphor at the end of the poem “blood rimmed horizon beyond whose waters the equator was still to be crossed” where the future is compared with “blood”, highlighting the persona’s discovery of the dangers and suffering endured in the journey to seek freedom and safety. Audience impact? What do we therefore learn about confronting discoveries? Therefore, discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. As above, check your first sentence and then your conclusion in this paragraph. They don't quite match, indicating your conceptual focus has been lost somewhere amongst your examples. I did this a lot in the HSC, be careful!

Discoveries, as well as a resistance to discovery, may also affirm an individual’s belief. Gleny enters the social experiment with an optimism that her experiences will reinforce her perspective that Australia has the “capacity to take more refugees.” Retell. Her views are affirmed by her discoveries of the inhumane conditions the refugees endure throughout the journey. Gleny’s rhetorical question during her reflection at the end of the series: “Why wouldn’t one person take the opportunity to jump on a boat and save their family?” challenges the responder to undertake a more compassionate view towards asylum seekers whilst the zoom in on her face convinces the viewer to adopt her perspective. Perfect audience link! However, you are in an affirming paragraph, shouldn't this have been in the previous section? Contrastingly, Darren’s refusal to accept his discoveries results in the affirmation of his initial belief that “I’m not going to call them queue jumpers anymore, probably system dodgers.” The diegetic laughing and panning shot of the other participants satirises Darren’s unwillingness to be ideologically receptive to his experiences, manipulating the responder to depart from his views. Awesome. In “Crossing the Red Sea,” the persona’s journey of discovery reaffirmed and reconnected him with his traditional identity. Retell. He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage. See below for an example of abstracting your analysis.However, in “Leaving Home,” the persona adamantly refuses to embrace his job relocation employing a cynical and satiric tone “I waited three hours for a two-minute interview” to reveal his frustration. His journey of discovery to the new destination reaffirms his initial attitude where the metaphor at the end of the poem “Their naked, hairless bodies the colour of sour milk” allows the responder to consider the continuation of his negative attitude. Thus, discoveries can also reaffirm an individual’s initial values. This one is better, though I'm still noticing a fair bit of retell.

In conclusion, the confronting and emotional process of discovery allows an individual to gain greater knowledge and understanding of the human experience and the world, resulting in the affirmation of transformation of their perspective. Both ‘Go Back’ and Skrzynecki’s poetry explore how the migrant experience allows an individual to discover their identity, how hope during the refugee process encourages discovery, and how discovery of the truth results in a transformed perception towards the controversial issue. Both texts encapsulate the experiences and impact of a migrant journey and encourage their audience reconsider their position and initial prejudices towards the issue of refugees. A solid conclusion! Ticks the boxes, texts re-introduced, very strong links to question and Thesis re-stated. Awesome!

You absolutely smash the audience part of your analysis Angie, good on you! That worked really well to make me realise the universal impacts of the concepts, great work 

A few comments on things to improve! First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer. Let's look at realistically what that looks like:

He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage.

Becomes:

Skrzynecki's use of the colour red as a motif is symbolic of his own Polish heritage, and communicates how cultural icons such as "red banners" and "red poppies" can heavily influence individual discoveries.

I move OUT of the text and instead focus purely on Skrzynecki's representational choices! Not the persona, but the  composer this is a more sophisticated approach that I recommend you try, the best analysis sentences always contain the name of the composer and something that they do to create meaning (technique, form or style) 

I also want you to focus on ensuring your topics are held through your entire paragraphs. The concepts did tend to overlap between paragraphs, try and establish a clear extinction and ensure every example links to the audiences belief on the nature of the human experience (the question). Essentially, I think you could answer the question more directly, so keep that in mind too!

Beyond this, smaller issues. A few places where some tidy is needed, but those are the big bits of feedback, let me know if you had any questions 

Oh, and the best way to prepare to adapt an essay for an exam is to grab as many past papers as you can and dot point your essays. Write your Thesis, then dot point the quotes/ideas for each paragraph. Ensure you can do this for as many questions as possible to feel prepared, and practice writing lots of introductions. They are the hardest bit to tailor. Practice makes perfect!! 

Thank you so much Jamon for your incredible feedback! Your comments about focussing on the audience's discoveries rather than the character's discoveries have really cleared it up for me.

Just a question about my points overlapping, should I choose different points to structure my essays with? How do you suggest choosing points for an essay?

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey there, just wondering if someone could please check out my discovery essay. I've found AOS as one of the hardest modules for me some reason so heaps of critical feedback would be awesome!! Thanks so much

Thanks for meeting the requirement liiz!! Feedback is below with comments in bold 

Spoiler

An individual’s experience of and response to discovery can often enrich their development through the attainment of greater knowledge and renewed perceptions. The significance of such discovery, whether serendipitous or planned, is greatly determined by one’s willingness to embrace it. I've always loved this Thesis, I employed a similar one in my HSC, and it works amazingly! This notion is explored throughout William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest (1610) and Jane Campion’s film The Piano (1993). Both texts elucidate societal constructs within one’s environment as well as aspects of the human condition to be platforms for discoveries. In doing so, composers have been able to reveal their ability to affirm and challenge one’s attitudes and beliefs, deepening audiences understanding of discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Great Thesis! Works very well, you could add a list of what themes your essay will discuss if you choose.

The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. Good start! Conceptually focused, but I'm expecting no more textual retell. That quick run down is all I need. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. Good contextual question, but it isn't the boatswain's question, it is Shakespeare's! As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Remove the "characters as well as," remove retell! Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Try not to use plot elements as evidence, techniques are what you need. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Again, ensure all techniques are attributed to Shakespeare. By not doing so you are slipping into retell. Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development. Great ideas in this paragraph, but you need to step away from the retell a bit and ensure all techniques are attributed to the composer, not the character!

The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Retell, but I'm happy with how you are linking in the audience frequently. Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. Better! In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. What does the audience learn as a result here? Be sure to link explicitly to our new understandings  Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. Nice quick link to the other text there, but we are still sitting on the edge of retell. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development. You have excellent techniques in this paragraph, great ideas, but you are discussing them in a very text focused way. Bordering on retell, you are explaining the impacts on characters and the text itself: Not what we the audience learn about Discovery! Be sure to link to what WE learn, what WE understand.

An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. Retell. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” Retell. As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. Thus showing the audience? The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Retell. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. Retell. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. Retell. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Retell. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge. Effective conclusion, but this paragraph was heavily focused on retell. Little extrapolation on ideas, and no connection to the audience.

Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. That's better!! But what specifically does it reveal about discovery? New understandings through trauma perhaps? The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” Use "symbolism" as the proper term here. However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Great! This paragraph has upped the standard significantly. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Retell, don't just use plot elements to prove points! Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Retell. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding. Great conclusion!

Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative. I'd like to see one more sentence here, like, "Thus, both composers effectively demonstrate INSERT LINK TO THESIS AND/OR QUESTION."

This is a really great essay Liiz!! Some incredible ideas and concepts that are clear and well organised, fantastic techniques and textual references, good structure, and a good understanding of Discovery shown! 

My main piece of feedback for you concerns textual retell. You are walking a tightrope between recounting the text and analysing it. What you are doing is explaining (very effectively) the impacts on the characters and their experiences of Discovery, and in the process doing a bit of retell! It's a very text focused approach: Not enough recognition given to the relationship between composer and audience. What you should be doing instead is taking a technique, and explaining how Shakespeare (for example) uses it to represent something about Discovery to the audience. You do it really well in this sentence in your final paragraph:

The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery.

The only thing I'd change about this is making the explanation of discovery a little more explicit, but see how it's less of a "The character does this and this accentuates this," and more of a, "This technique accentuates this which shows us this." This was the best analytical sentence in the essay, it proves to me that you can do this style of analysis! You just need a bit of polish!! Try exploring with this sentence template:

The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," clearly showing BLAH BLAH as the audience realises BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This sentence does a technique, an explanation of what it shows, and a link to the audience. T, E, A, go to TEA 

Really, this is the only bit of big feedback I have, because almost everything else is awesome!! Have a read of my comments, one other thing I'd mention is to ensure your Thesis follows through as you adapt your analysis: I think you could get some more of the individual's role of discovery into your essay to match the second sentence in your Thesis  great work!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone! 

[amandali]

Can you have a read through a part of my paragraph for my essay on Away by micheal giow to see if it makes sense?

 It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, which strips away Gwen’s possessions. This reduced her to a vulnerable state which enabled her to see the true happiness of Tom's family developed due to their close bond, despite Tom's impending death and lack of wealth. Thus, this leads her to experience anagnorisis as it  enabled her to realise the importance of relationships and become aware of her abrasive and condescension manner that dismantled her relationships. This is demonstrated through Gwen's rhetorical questions in her conversation with Jim, "what do you think of me? You must hate me?..." showing her reflection on self.

[sudodds]

Hi! If you have the time I was wondering if you could check over my AOS Tempest essay It's the last essay I need to fix up before trials hahaha to thats good! The last time I had it marked it was 17/20. Thank you!

Spoiler

How do composers show us the power of varied discoveries to transform lives? Refer to your study of the Tempest and TWO related texts

Composers show us the powers of discovery to transform lives in a variety of ways, through geographical, physical, personal and emotional discoveries. Discovery encompasses the experience of discovering or learning something, new, lost or concealed, and can invoke a range of emotions for those involved, sometimes challenging long standing belief and ideas, providing them with a new worldview. These ideas are evident within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, which explores how the discovery of the hardships of others can influence individuals to alter and transform the way they perceive others and the world around them. This is idea is translated through various literary and theatrical techniques, such as symbolism, imagery, music and juxtaposition, particularly within the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio. The concept of discovery is further explored through Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s comedy travelogue An Idiot Abroad, and Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower.
                     
Within The Tempest, The Storm in Act I acts as the catalyst for discovery as it enables the physical discovery of the island and the upheaval of the natural social order. At the beginning of the play, Prospero is bitter and vengeful against Alonso and his “false brother”, due to his usurpation as the Duke of Milan by their means. Due to this rage, the opening scene consists of a fierce storm - conjured by Prospero’s magic - that appears to threaten the ship and those on board. The storm is not only an example of pathetic fallacy in terms of Prospero’s rage, but also as the disruption in the natural state of being. The threat of the storm leads to Boatswain taking the commanding role on board, ordering Alonso, Antonio and Gonzalo, who would normally be considered his superiors, to stay below and out of the way. “What cares these roarers for the name of king? To cabin, silence! Trouble us not, ” the tone in which Boatswain dictates these orders is cold, harsh, and most certainly not with the respect and reverence that one would typically use when talking to a king. This concept of the disruption of the social order is also evident within the relationship between contrasting brother’s Prospero and Antonio, as it is considered against the natural order for a brother to turn against a brother, as Antonio did. Therefore, it is evident that disruption caused by the storm led to an inversion of the natural social order, furthering the character’s self-discoveries in terms of their own power and place within the social order. This concept of disrupted normalcy is also evident within Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
During The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie’s life is thrown in to turbulence due to the reveal of family secrets, such as his sister’s abuse. Charlie’s discovery of his sister’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, whom he witnesses hitting her in the face, remarking that “he was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-coloured covers until he hit my sister,” reinforces to Charlie that people are not always as they appear, revealing a darker side to humanity. The reveal of these secrets, like the storm within the Tempest, act as an upheaval in Charlie’s normal world, and challenge his beliefs about his family and greater society.

Within The Tempest, the Banquet scene acts as a trigger for the recognition and discovery of the effects ones actions have on another. Ariel’s illusory banquet represents the climax of Prospero’s revenge, as Antonio, Alonso, and the other lords are confronted with their crimes of how they did “supplant good Prospero” and sent “him and his innocent child” out to sea.  This illusion and the threat of retribution generate remorse within Alonso, as he now believes that the supposed death of his son Ferdinand was punishment for his crime, however Antonio, who is rigidly set in his ways and is not open towards discovery (as contrasted by Prospero) is almost unfazed. The Banquet scene forces the lords to reflect on their passed misdeed and consider the dire consequences of his actions. This is further emphasised through Gonzalo describing them as “desperate: their great guilt, / Like poison given to work a great time after, / Now ‘gins to bite the spirits,” meaning that the guilt is only now starting to sink in, leading them to discover and truly appreciate the hardships that they have caused others, ultimately a transformation of self.

Within The Tempest, music and magic act as enablers of discovery as they enable the creation of an imaginary world that prompts discoveries as it stresses the differences between that world and our own, as well as what is morally valued. This is evident within the Betrothal Masque of Act IV, a celebration and blessing of Ferdinand and Miranda’s love. Prospero summons the magical spirits - Juno, Ceres and Iris - to perform a betrothal masque, which celebrates love and it’s ability to surpass evil and despair, contrasted by the plots and anarchic behaviour of the others on the island. Through the masque, marriage is glorified as both the foundation of society and as part of the natural order of things. However the perfection of the masque does not exist, and is instead an “insubstantial pageant” of Prospero’s power. Despite this, the message of the masque resonates with both the audience and with Prospero, as there is a mutual understanding that the creative re-enactment leads to these transformative discoveries. For the first time, Prospero can fully reveal his true nature, as the audience discovers what Prospero is like without revenge or control motivating his actions. Through this, Shakespeare creates a sense that, even though the play’s major conflict is still unresolved, the world of the play is beginning to heal itself. Through the masque, Prospero discovers and accepts the reality of his ducal responsibilities, therefore the masque, through magic and music, has had a transformative effect on Prospero.
A similar concept is explored through Gervais and Merchant’s travelogue comedy, An Idiot Abroad. Though not an imaginary world, the stark contrast between China and the world that Karl Pilkington is used as “a typical little Englisher who doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone,” act as enablers of discovery, however unlike Prospero, Pilkington does not welcome them. This is evident during his discovery of the Great Wall of China. Presented through actual footage and his own commentary, Pilkington immediately enters the discovery with pessimism. In many instances, Pilkington makes reference to objects and landmarks from his home country; such as describing the wall as a “Wimpey home” and comparing it’s length to the “M6”. This shows that Pilkington is uninterested and unwilling to see the Wall for what it truly signifies (2,220 years of history and culture that people died creating), reducing it to what he already knows, instead of furthering his discovery and possibly changing his views of the culture.  Therefore, it is clear that discovery of new worlds, both illusionary and tangible, can enable discovery, however the mentality in which one enters into discovery has a great effect upon it’s transformative power.

Though The Tempest began as a play of revenge, it’s final form and message of forgiveness emphasize the dramatic transformation of the characters due to their discoveries. At the beginning of the play, Prospero was vengeful against his brother Antonio, and Alonso due to their trespasses against him, however within the final scenes, Prospero forgives them despite of this. "The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance" Through the betrothal masque, Prospero discovers the importance of tolerance and forgiveness, as in order for Miranda and Ferdinand to have a prosperous and happy marriage; their families need to have the same relationship and stability, and that includes Ferdinand’s father, Alonso. Through this realization, Prospero decides to forgive and improve his relationship with those that wronged him. Though he can never truly transform his trespassers, this act of forgiveness and reconciliation is crucial to Prospero’s transformation as he discovers that he cannot consume himself in revenge, and must instead focus on commonalities in order to effectively rule and take back his dukedom. Therefore, it is evident that Prospero’s discoveries have a powerful transformative effect on him by the end of the play. Antonio, who at the end of the play, refuses to speak to Prospero and make amends, contrasts this. Therefore, it is evident that though many character’s experience transformation by the end of the play, it remains consistent within their attitudes towards discovery.

This idea of the importance of forgiveness in order to heal is also evident within The Perks of Being a Wallflower. By the end of the novel the readers discover that just as Aunt Helen was molested as a child, she molested Charlie. His own discovery of this triggers severe PTSD and anxiety, as Aunt Helen was Charlie’s “favorite person in the whole world,” and through this discovery he is deeply affected as even she betrays his trust. In order to heal and move on with his life, Charlie needs to forgive his Aunt Helen, but more importantly himself. Charlie blamed himself for his Aunt Helen’s death, as it was while buying him an extra Birthday and Christmas present she is involved in a terrible car accident. Through forgiving himself, Charlie is able to relinquish the guilt and achieve emotional stability.

It is evident that discovery is a critical concept within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, particularly through the contrasting character’s of Antonio and Prospero, as through the play, both characters are challenged by their discoveries, each with the potentional to transform their lives, depending upon how open they were to discovery. This concept of the transformative power of discovery is also evident within related texts, An Idiot Abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Jamon, I think I've posted an extra 15 times since then and I've spent the last 6 hours working on fixing my discovery essay and I have school tomorrow and i'm praying that what I wrote makes sense at this ungodly hour. Could you check one final time my essay, I've tried as hard as I can to incorporate your feedback and improve   I havented touched the intro and conclusion, but I've changed all my paragraphs.
P.S. If i don't have enough posts, let me know and I find a way to contribute more.

I'm really glad Elyse put some fresh eyes on your essay, two opinions are better than one after all  I just want to personally thank you, because you took every single one of my recommendations on board. Congratulations, the essay was brilliant, be confident heading into Trials, if you can adapt it well to the question then you'll have an absolute winner 

[elysepopplewell]

Can you have a read through a part of my paragraph for my essay on Away by micheal giow to see if it makes sense?

Hello! Absolutely

My comments are in bold
 It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, which strips away Gwen’s possessions. This reduced her to a vulnerable state which enabled her to see the true happiness of Tom's family, (For this sentence to make sense it needs a comma here. developed due to their close bond, despite Tom's impending death and lack of wealth. Thus, this leads her to experience anagnorisis as it  enabled her to realise the importance of relationships and become aware of her abrasive and condescension manner that dismantled her relationships. This is demonstrated through Gwen's rhetorical questions in her conversation with Jim, "what do you think of me? You must hate me?..." showing her reflection on self.

This is an area of study paragraph, I believe? For this to be a full paragraph, it needs a topic sentence. So this might be a variant of your main thesis statement that runs through the essay, or it could be a new direction that you want to explore specifically in the paragraph. Typically, each paragraph would have about 3 or 4 pieces of textual evidence, and each would directly linked to discovery. You've definitely talked about discovery, but in an implicit way. Ideally, each piece of textual evidence would relate directly to a type of discovery, cause of discovery or outcome of discovery, which links back to your topic sentence and your main thesis. Your last sentence here ends on a good note, it does that analysis of the textual evidence, but it just needs to be a bit more specific in the approach.

Do you have a main thesis statement that you intend to use for discovery? I'm happy to flesh out an idea with you so that we can tick the "topic sentence" off the list, and then focus on relating each piece of textual evidence to the thesis. You've done an awesome job here, you've got a lot to work with. It's now just about taking it and fleshing out the meat on the bones to make this a really strong paragraph.

[Spencerr]

Hey Elyse, thank you so much for reading my discovery essay, really is an amazing morale booster. To Jamon, who has pretty much read all of my essays haha, I am eternally grateful, for in this past week, with YOUR advice, I have improved my essays dramatically, more than I have done in the entire year with my teacher, and definitely more than when I used to go to English tutoring. An invaluable service indeed!

[elysepopplewell]

Hi! If you have the time I was wondering if you could check over my AOS Tempest essay It's the last essay I need to fix up before trials hahaha to thats good! The last time I had it marked it was 17/20. Thank you!

Hi there! Absolutely can take a look at this for you Congratulations! You're on a roll, I bet.

When you're up in the high marks there it can sometimes be hard to improve, because often it will just be a number of small, fussy, structural or stylistic things that add up to a mark. Whereas going from a Band 3 to a Band 4 or 5 might just be a matter of fleshing out the analysis. But ticking into that top band is often very tricky. So long as you are determined to make that happen, you can do it!

As always, my comments are in bold in the spoiler below:

Spoiler

How do composers show us the power of varied discoveries to transform lives? Refer to your study of the Tempest and TWO related texts

Composers show us the powers of discovery to transform lives in a variety of ways, through geographical, physical, personal and emotional discoveries. There's nothing about this thesis statement that is wrong by the books. Although, a common characteristic of the best thesis statements is the absence of the mention of a composer or text, and they avoid listing. The listing of discoveries certainly suits the question being asked (varied discoveries), but I think it has a more suited place as the second sentence. Your current second sentence is a more likely candidate for the introductory sentence, because it is explaining something about discovery, but never mentions the text or composer. I think it's best to switch these two sentences! Discovery encompasses the experience of discovering or learning something, new, lost or concealed, and can invoke a range of emotions for those involved, sometimes challenging long standing belief and ideas, providing them with a new worldview. Here you have taken the approach of loosely defining what discovery is, but in that definition you use the word "discovering." Perhaps word it more similarly to this (please put this into your own words and style, I don't want to be shoving words down your throat that you don't like!): The process of discovery encompasses the experience of realising something new, lost or concealed. This can invoke a range of emotions for those involved in the process, often challenging long standing beliefs and ideas possessed by the individual, thus prompting a renewed world view." All I've done here is just broken up the sentence, and then switched up the language so that you don't sound as though you are repeating yourself when defining discovery. Like I said before I started editing, when you are in the top range, it's the small things like the expression of a thesis that have the capacity to determine a mark. These ideas are evident within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, which explores how the discovery of the hardships of others can influence individuals to alter and transform the way they perceive others and the world around them. This is idea is translated through various literary and theatrical techniques, such as symbolism, imagery, music and juxtaposition, particularly within the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio. Without actually mentioning the techniques, I think you can still do justice to what you will discuss. I'd substitute this sentence for something more like, "Observation of the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio reveals the ____ nature of discovery in the text. The concept of discovery is further explored through Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s comedy travelogue An Idiot Abroad, and Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I think the introduction is a little unbalanced here, because you devote two sentences to the prescribed text, and then deal with two related texts in the one sentence. I'd be more inclined to only deal with Shakespeare in a single sentence, by either removing the Prospero and Antonio comparison, or adding it to the first sentence, and then deal with each of the related texts in a sentence of their own, OR, deal with the two related texts in one sentence, but pair it with a section of the sentence devoted to explaining what they reveal about discovery, exactly like you have when you have introduced Shakespeare's text. Typically, I recommend that the last sentence of your conclusion is similar to your introductory sentence, in that it reflects the main idea of your argument without giving too much detail of the text. I know I've just given a lot of instructions for the introduction, but I think the introduction is what sets the tone for the rest of your essay. I think if you manipulate the introduction to how I have suggested, and then you manipulate it again tor reflect your own style, you'll find that the sophistication of the introduction rises and sets a really good tone to your work!
                     
I also recommend that each paragraph starts with a branch off your main thesis, and like the introductory sentence, should not involve the text. So you're basically writing a sentence that talks about discovery, and then the rest of your paragraph will be your evidence supporting why that sentence is true. Within The Tempest, The Storm in Act I acts as the catalyst for discovery as it enables the physical discovery of the island and the upheaval of the natural social order. At the beginning of the play, Prospero is bitter and vengeful against Alonso and his “false brother”, due to his usurpation as the Duke of Milan by their means. Due to this rage, the opening scene consists of a fierce storm - conjured by Prospero’s magic - that appears to threaten the ship and those on board. The storm is not only an example of pathetic fallacy in terms of Prospero’s rage, but also as the disruption in the natural state of being. I love that you've done a double meaning to this textual reference - that's exactly the kind of sophisticated writing that markers enjoy. The threat of the storm leads to Boatswain taking the commanding role on board, ordering Alonso, Antonio and Gonzalo, who would normally be considered his superiors, to stay below and out of the way. “What cares these roarers for the name of king? To cabin, silence! Trouble us not, ” the tone in which Boatswain dictates these orders is cold, harsh, and most certainly not with the respect and reverence that one would typically use when talking to a king. This concept of the disruption of the social order is also evident within the relationship between contrasting brother’s Prospero and Antonio, as it is considered against the natural order for a brother to turn against a brother, as Antonio did. Therefore, it is evident that disruption caused by the storm led to an inversion of the natural social order, furthering the character’s self-discoveries in terms of their own power and place within the social order. This concept of disrupted normalcy is also evident within Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
When you introduce a new text, you can use a new topic sentence that is a branch off the main thesis, like I suggested for the first body paragraph. Or you can use a connecting sentence to kind of link the two. Something like, "The disruption of order in The Tempest has similar ramifications in the Perks of Being a Wall flower, when the family secrets are exposed." Something like this improves the overall sophistication of your work because you're showing that you don't just deal with the texts in isolation, but you are confident enough to draw links between the two. During The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie’s life is thrown in to turbulence due to the reveal of family secrets, such as his sister’s abuse. Charlie’s discovery of his sister’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, whom he witnesses hitting her in the face, remarking that “he was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-coloured covers until he hit my sister,” reinforces to Charlie that people are not always as they appear, revealing a darker side to humanity. The reveal of these secrets, like the storm within the Tempest, act as an upheaval in Charlie’s normal world, and challenge his beliefs about his family and greater society.

I'd potentially make this opening sentence something about the way interactions between people can have a cumulative effect on discoveries. Within The Tempest, the Banquet scene acts as a trigger for the recognition and discovery of the effects ones actions have on another. Ariel’s illusory banquet represents the climax of Prospero’s revenge, as Antonio, Alonso, and the other lords are confronted with their crimes of how they did “supplant good Prospero” and sent “him and his innocent child” out to sea.  This illusion and the threat of retribution generate remorse within Alonso, as he now believes that the supposed death of his son Ferdinand was punishment for his crime, however Antonio, who is rigidly set in his ways and is not open towards discovery (as contrasted by Prospero) is almost unfazed. The Banquet scene forces the lords to reflect on their passed misdeed and consider the dire consequences of his actions. This is further emphasised through Gonzalo describing them as “desperate: their great guilt, / Like poison given to work a great time after, / Now ‘gins to bite the spirits,” meaning that the guilt is only now starting to sink in, leading them to discover and truly appreciate the hardships that they have caused others, ultimately a transformation of self. Your analysis is awesome, I think you're consistently referring to the discoveries found in the text and that is really important.

Within The Tempest, music and magic act as enablers of discovery as they enable the creation of an imaginary world that prompts discoveries as it stresses the differences between that world and our own, as well as what is morally valued. This is evident within the Betrothal Masque of Act IV, a celebration and blessing of Ferdinand and Miranda’s love. Prospero summons the magical spirits - Juno, Ceres and Iris - to perform a betrothal masque, which celebrates love and it’s ability to surpass evil and despair, contrasted by the plots and anarchic behaviour of the others on the island. Through the masque, marriage is glorified as both the foundation of society and as part of the natural order of things. However the perfection of the masque does not exist, and is instead an “insubstantial pageant” of Prospero’s power. Despite this, the message of the masque resonates with both the audience and with Prospero, as there is a mutual understanding that the creative re-enactment leads to these transformative discoveries. For the first time, Prospero can fully reveal his true nature, as the audience discovers what Prospero is like without revenge or control motivating his actions. Through this, Shakespeare creates a sense that, even though the play’s major conflict is still unresolved, the world of the play is beginning to heal itself. Through the masque, Prospero discovers and accepts the reality of his ducal responsibilities, therefore the masque, through magic and music, has had a transformative effect on Prospero.
A similar concept is explored through Gervais and Merchant’s travelogue comedy, An Idiot Abroad. Though not an imaginary world, the stark contrast between China and the world that Karl Pilkington is used as “a typical little Englisher who doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone,” Great embedded quote!!! act as enablers of discovery, however unlike Prospero, Pilkington does not welcome them. This is evident during his discovery of the Great Wall of China. Presented through actual footage and his own commentary, Pilkington immediately enters the discovery with pessimism. In many instances, Pilkington makes reference to objects and landmarks from his home country; such as describing the wall as a “Wimpey home” and comparing it’s length to the “M6”. This shows that Pilkington is uninterested and unwilling to see the Wall for what it truly signifies (2,220 years of history and culture that people died creating), reducing it to what he already knows, instead of furthering his discovery and possibly changing his views of the culture.  Therefore, it is clear that discovery of new worlds, both illusionary and tangible, can enable discovery, however the mentality in which one enters into discovery has a great effect upon it’s transformative power. Yess! Excellent concluding sentence here!

Though The Tempest began as a play of revenge, it’s final form and message of forgiveness emphasize the dramatic transformation of the characters due to their discoveries. At the beginning of the play, Prospero was vengeful against his brother Antonio, and Alonso due to their trespasses against him, however within the final scenes, Prospero forgives them despite of this. "The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance" Through the betrothal masque, Prospero discovers the importance of tolerance and forgiveness, as in order for Miranda and Ferdinand to have a prosperous and happy marriage; their families need to have the same relationship and stability, and that includes Ferdinand’s father, Alonso. Through this realization, Prospero decides to forgive and improve his relationship with those that wronged him. Though he can never truly transform his trespassers, this act of forgiveness and reconciliation is crucial to Prospero’s transformation as he discovers that he cannot consume himself in revenge, and must instead focus on commonalities in order to effectively rule and take back his dukedom. Therefore, it is evident that Prospero’s discoveries have a powerful transformative effect on him by the end of the play. Antonio, who at the end of the play, refuses to speak to Prospero and make amends, contrasts this. Therefore, it is evident that though many character’s experience transformation by the end of the play, it remains consistent within their attitudes towards discovery.

This idea of the importance of forgiveness in order to heal is also evident within The Perks of Being a Wallflower. By the end of the novel the readers discover that just as Aunt Helen was molested as a child, she molested Charlie. His own discovery of this triggers severe PTSD and anxiety, as Aunt Helen was Charlie’s “favorite person in the whole world,” and through this discovery he is deeply affected as even she betrays his trust. In order to heal and move on with his life, Charlie needs to forgive his Aunt Helen, but more importantly himself. Charlie blamed himself for his Aunt Helen’s death, as it was while buying him an extra Birthday and Christmas present she is involved in a terrible car accident. Through forgiving himself, Charlie is able to relinquish the guilt and achieve emotional stability.

It is evident that discovery is a critical concept within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, particularly through the contrasting character’s of Antonio and Prospero, as through the play, both characters are challenged by their discoveries, each with the potentional to transform their lives, depending upon how open they were to discovery. This concept of the transformative power of discovery is also evident within related texts, An Idiot Abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.

I stopped commenting towards the end there simply because I thought it would be easier that I make an end comment here.
Your analysis is spot on, it is definitely worthy of the high bands. You consistently relate back to discoveries, which although that sounds like an easy thing to do, it really isn't and so many students overlook it. I certainly did when I first started discovery, and your work here appears to be the cumulation of lots of study and re-wording of the essay, which is awesome. You're in a great spot.

What I'm suggesting is more of a structural thing in order to show the marker your prowess with discovery. It's important to make sure that your response for this module is driven by discovery and not by the texts. I think the best way to do that is focus on a structure for your thesis statement. You want your original thesis statement to respond to the question but also show some uniqueness to differentiate your essay and relate it to your texts. When you open your essay, don't mention the texts or the composer in the first sentence. Although nothing strictly says you cannot do this, it is a characteristic of the best responses I have read. Each paragraph will benefit from being started with a sentence about discovery, removed from the texts. Then you can proceed into the text through your awesome analysis! This way, you give the marker the knowledge of what specific discovery idea you'll be fleshing out in that exact paragraph. This way you can respond to the question more specifically, but also branch out from the question and add that unique spin.

I hope this is making sense to you. Essentially, I think that what will lift your work is a response that is delivered with discovery as the forefront focus. Your analysis is there, it's awesome. It's now just about framing that analysis.

If what I'm saying makes zero sense, it might be worth looking at my discovery essay. I've started my paragraphs in the way I'm suggesting you do, so it might give you a bit of an idea about how to approach it. You should be really proud of this essay!