ONE paragraph for text response- PLEASE HELP!

[One Step at a Time]

Hi everyone 

I know that not all you will have most likely studied Stolen by Jane Harrison, but I would appreciate all your advice below since my first SAC is in two days. Obviously, what is below is not a complete paragraph as it focuses solely upon Jimmy. (We were asked to write about a character without simplification and the topic sentence was given.) My teacher's comments are bolded below.

Stolen unveils the hardships faced whilst attempting to recover identity. Harrison reconstructs a world in which Aborigines are subject to intense and pervasive scrutiny to elucidate its corollary effects on one’s sense of self. (Your meaning is not quite clear here.) This notion is epitomised through Jimmy. He, subject to a life of despair, is initially crafted as a mischievous boy who “laugh(ed) at authority”, but his lively behaviour soon descends into a rankled and hostile figure. This juxtaposition is further exemplified through Jimmy’s belligerent tone in response to “(his) people(‘s)” remark: “Shut up about my mother.” (The context of this is not quite clear) As the embodiment of the societal condescension against Aborigines, his own brutalisation is typified in the exchange. Stemming from the suppression of his heritage in a bigoted environment, coupled with the indoctrination of blatant lies by indifferent authorities, Jimmy’s inability to openly acknowledge the truth about his mother is alluded to through the coarse language. Harrison thus positions the audience to consider the dire mental ramifications as a result of the denial of communication and knowledge of families in such a hegemony rampant with sanctimoniousness. (Good to see you using these words, but sometimes saying it plainly is more effective.) Moreover, as the intricacies of the play unfold, the audience is exposed to the consequences of being incessantly attacked with a barrage of racist insults. Jimmy, whose self-perception profoundly diminishes, readily believes himself to be “scum of the earth”, drawing dehumanising parallels between him and “black dog(s)”. The grim moment that soon ensues, where Jimmy dies at his own hand amidst his anguish, is symbolic of the ramifications of the larger tragedy at the heart of the Stolen Generations. Confronted with the pervasive racism interwoven in the play and coupled with the propagation of ideas and values, Harrison provides the audience with insight into the mentality of the mainstream white Australian community in the social milieu. The audience is challenged to compare today’s, albeit not perfect treatment of Aborigines to that of decades ago, and the plight that subsequently confronted various stolen children in surmounting the loss of their identities.
(You are writing perceptively about Jimmy , but also commenting on much more here.
You have a clear understanding of what Jane Harrison is conveying through Jimmy, but this would not be a parag in an essay, as you no doubt realise.)

[Alter]

Hi, I've never studied your text before, so I can't give much criticism on your use of evidence.

There are a few overarching problems with your piece:
i) Your writing is too verbose. I feel as though you're using overly-complex and obscure vocabulary just for the sake of using it, and it makes your response seem flooded and way too bombastic. This will make most (sane) examiners cringe, because you're not showing that you can formulate a complex idea using plain English, a skill which you really need to put to action. A further problem with this is that it becomes very difficult for an ordinary reader to digest what you're saying, because it seems like you've gone to a thesaurus for any word you wanted to use and then just vomited out the noun forms.

I'm not saying to remove every single long word, because sometimes they're fitting. However, phrases such as "...juxtaposition is further exemplified through Jimmy’s belligerent" and especially "...consider the dire mental and emotional ramifications as a result of the denial of communication and knowledge of stolen children’s families in such hegemony rampant with sanctimoniousness" are far from being succinct and simply distract from the point you're trying to make. In other words, the writing makes it more difficult for someone to decipher than it needs to be. I have no doubt that you're a strong English student because your use of language is so developed, but I think it is prudent that you try to cut down on this a bit.

ii) You need some more separation of ideas. This is especially true in terms of paragraphing, but I'm not sure if the teacher gave you the task to write just one paragraph or not, so maybe this isn't something you need to work on. That being said, you're jumping from idea to idea quite quickly. For instance, at one point you're talking about Jimmy's self-perception diminishing and then go on and try to draw a link that there is symbolism of tragedy with respect to the stolen generation. In this way, the response becomes even more difficult to follow as you aren't providing an easy line of logic.

iii) Of the many ideas you had, there wasn't much information about the views and values of the author. Saying that the author 'provides insight' on an issue is quite vague, and shows that you're reaching at straws trying to fit the author in. You should try to be more careful incorporating this. However, it's a very good sign that you've not forgone mentioning the author at all, so keep working on it!

Apologies if this comes off as too harsh. I suffered from similar issues in high school English, and unfortunately the first problem I discussed is an issue which too many teachers are reluctant to pick up on, and instead praise. Props to you for putting your work up here for feedback and best of luck in your first assessment. 

P.S - 329 words is definitely enough for a paragraph, so it's not incomplete in that sense. Strong text response essays will generally have 3-4 body paragraphs, and you only have so much time in your assessments.

Have a nice day.

edit: fsr your paragraph disappeared, didn't notice that when I wrote this up.

[One Step at a Time]

Hi Alter 

Thank you for your response, appreciate all your advice!

i) Ah you're spot on about me- I feel as though without those verbose words and phrases, I will be too simplistic.  I will definitely try and not go overboard with it, which I think is my weakness, since using some now and then should be fine?

ii) Understood- we were given the topic sentence: "Stolen unveils the hardships faced whilst attempting to recover identity." From there, we were asked to write about Jimmy. So I'm not sure if I met the criteria... but as far as I know, it's definitely not a complete paragraph because my teacher hates character-by-characters essays (one character per paragraph). I will practise more complete paragraphs up on AN   

iii) That was my somewhat pathetic attempts at trying to include the author in  How would you suggest incorporating the views and values of the author in? Also, I find that perhaps analysis, I try to incorporate the views and values of the author in instead... which I don't think I'm supposed to do! I just have no idea how to analyse so I use phrases such as "The author positions us... ", "The author challenges us...", etc.

Thank you so much Alter, you're a huge help