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Author Topic: [english] lang. analysis feedback please!!  (Read 1075 times)  Share 

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upandgo

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[english] lang. analysis feedback please!!
« on: July 06, 2016, 06:29:47 pm »
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hi all! hoping to seek feedback on this language analysis (re. the VCAA 2010 article). wrote under time constraints so probably not my best work, criticisms/advice are immensely appreciated  :)

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A commitment to assist both the impecunious and species on Earth through abating biodiversity loss, along with the necessity to review the progress made in doing so, and make future considerations have acted as the impetus for the orchestration of the International Biodiversity Conference (2010). A speaker, Chris Lee, dogmatically contends that society’s failure to engender a significant reduction in biodiversity has led to not only the abandonment of the prior commitment, but also to biodiversity’s progressive ruination. Through the utilisation of media slides, Lee permits his audience to visualize the subject matter, and illustrates the exigency for them to excogitate the repercussions of their inaction on biodiversity.

By commencing his speech with the declaration that the year is of ‘vital significance’, Lee aligns his audience to believe that the present plays a pivotal role in reshaping ‘our world’, in turn manoeuvring them to envisage the present as a crucial moment in time.  Reiterating the United Nations invitation for individuals to ‘take action’ inclines the audience to surmount their unwillingness to remedy the steady decline in biological diversity, and take steps to preserve the ‘variety of life on Earth’, specifically the organisms depicted in Lee’s opening slide. The illustration of plants, animals, and ocean waves, each within the enlarged header, 2010, reinforces the notion that audience members should act now, rather than wait for a forthcoming opportunity to do so. The image of a young child grasping the hand of an adult is perhaps reminiscent of the idiomatic expression of holding ones hand, which carries connotations of guidance and assistance. This inspires the audience to lead younger generations in the direction of safeguarding biodiversity, in order to ensure its preservation in the long term.   

Having mobilised the audience’s support, Lee queries the rationality behind characterising 2010 as a year of ‘action’ and ‘celebration of life’. Employing the term ‘honestly’ before questioning the progress made towards minimising biodiversity loss compels audience members to acknowledge reality, rather than prevaricate, and concede that negligible measures have been taken in this area. Lee articulates the plausibility of reducing biodiversity loss to facilitate ‘poverty alleviation’ and ‘life on Earth’. Emphatically enunciating the word ‘exactly’, before further alluding that this is indeed what society ‘set out to do’, manoeuvres the audience to reflect on their endeavours to preserve biodiversity. Upon doing so, audience members discern that the progress in eradicating poverty and guarding life on Earth has stagnated due to their apathy in preventing biodiversity loss, further compelling them to work towards engendering a ‘significant reduction’ in biodiversity. Lee utilises statistics to inform the audience of the wildlife they have already lost, before insinuating that their ‘thoughtless human actions’ are responsible for this outcome. The assertion that ‘35% of mangroves, 40% of forests and 50% of wetlands’ are now non-existent, coupled with the claim that extinction is occurring at ‘100 times the natural rate’ elicits astonishment and fear in conference attendees. Such sentiments position the audience to concur with Lee’s argument, in that the death of the aforesaid ecosystems resulted from their selfish and careless decisions. Lee’s shift to a despondent tone further evinces the biological devastation that has occurred over the ‘last one hundred years’. Citing the IUCN’s ‘Red List’ to accentuate that it is ‘too late’ for the 804 animals declared extinct coerces the audience to not merely yearn for what has been lost, but to also contemplate the irrevocable consequences arising from their actions, in turn educing sentiments of nostalgia and compunction.

Adopting a categorical tone, Lee alleges that, unlike the animals mentioned previously, it is not ‘too late’ for society to reverse the present situation, in which biodiversity’s abundance is steadily decreasing. Lee’s articulation of ‘in truth’, before his postulation that the audience belongs to the most ‘educated’ generation not only serves to avow the veracity of his argument in their minds, but also angles them to regard individuals in their generation as knowledgeable and hence capable of ‘commit[ing] to action’ and reversing the ‘grim situation’ concerning biodiversity. Sardonically portraying society’s ‘haphazard’ attempts to make reparations as ‘wonderful words, glossy brochures and inspiring documentaries’  is effective in awakening the audience to the futility of their actions, and positions them to feel guilty that instead of taking ‘real action’, they are ensconced  in an ‘air conditioned and sumptuously catered’ environment while their outdoor environment is gradually diminishing. The forceful pronunciations of the personal pronouns ‘you’ and ‘your country’ are further employed by Lee in questioning the contributions made to achieve goals, concurrently imbuing disappointment within individual conference attendees as they discern that they, along with their nation  have contributed insubstantially. 

Lee further purports that there is ‘no need’ to recall the significance of biodiversity in contemporary society, and simultaneously angles the audience to presume that this information is rudimentary knowledge. Asserting that ‘rampant’ illnesses, ‘deepening’ poverty and ‘continuing’ patterns of inequitable growth are repercussions of society’s inability to manage biodiversity serves to not only inform audience members of the severity of their incompetence, but also mobilise them to act before additional adversities surface. Through their connotations of ubiquity and uncontrollability, the labels employed by Lee to precede the aforesaid adjectives further invokes a sense of fear in conference attendees that the notion of attaining a ‘healthy ecosystem’ is legitimately inconceivable. Lee’s explication of the predicament encountered by ‘poor rural communities’, in which they rely on biodiversity for their ‘health’, ‘nutrition’ and ‘crop development’ is efficacious in widening the perceptions of individuals who initially deemed biodiversity to serve a negligible purpose to appreciate its role in certifying the welfare of impoverished citizens. Further illustrating the correlation between biodiversity loss and the ‘food supply’ of the penurious, in that the reduction of biodiversity ascertains the proportions and quality of their nourishment, evinces to the audience the inextricable relationship the rural poor share with biodiversity; if biodiversity ceases to exist, so too do they. Though Lee’s portrayal of conference attendees as ‘powerful economic giants’ is merely verbal, it aligns them to envision themselves as monstrous figures that prioritise financial security over eradicating the destitution faced by ‘1.1 billion people’. From having conjured the mental image afore, the audience is more susceptible to Lee’s attempts to stop them from ‘kidding [them]selves’ and accept the ultimatum presented to them by Lee, which involves them minimising their hunting and gathering expeditions and preoccupy themselves with conservation and preservation. 

Concluding his oration by openly querying if ‘any of this’ is unfamiliar information, and subsequently exclaiming ‘of course not,’ Lee invites the audience to formulate a contrasting assertion, but upon doing so discern that Lee is justified in his reasoning and emphatically agree with him, in that society is indeed cognizant of the irrevocable ramifications of their lifestyle onto their planet. One ramification pertains to the Earth’s fragility, as insinuated by Lee’s closing slide. The depiction of the Earth positioned in a cupped pair of hands aligns the audience to postulate that the Earth is too fragile to support itself, whilst assuming that man-kinds ‘greatest treasure’ is being presented to them to safeguard from diminishment. Rather than engaging in discussion, Lee advocates the notion of embarking on ‘serious action’, ideally by reiterating the imperative for change, not just to influential figures but also to the ‘everyday householder’.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2016, 06:34:15 pm by upandgo »
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HopefulLawStudent

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Re: [english] lang. analysis feedback please!!
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2016, 11:25:00 am »
+3
A commitment to assist both the impecunious and species Errr... wot? This doesn't make sense. on Earth through abating biodiversity loss, along with the necessity to review the progress made in doing so, and make future considerations have acted as the impetus for the orchestration word usage. of the International Biodiversity Conference (2010). A speaker, Chris Lee, dogmatically contends that society’s failure to engender a significant reduction in biodiversity has led to not only the abandonment of the prior commitment, but also to biodiversity’s progressive ruination. Through the utilisation of media slides, Lee permits iffy about this wordhis audience to visualize the subject matter, and illustrates the exigency for them to excogitate the repercussions of their inaction on biodiversity.

By commencing his speech with the declaration that the year is of ‘vital significance’, Lee aligns Can you really "align" someone to believe something? his audience to believe that the present plays a pivotal role in reshaping ‘our world’ What's the significance of this quote? As a general rule of thumb, never "name-drop" quotes in LA. If you quote from the article you should generally follow that up with some analysis because by quoting it you imply that that quote is somehow important., in turn manoeuvring them to envisage the present as a crucial moment in time. Repetition of this idea with the previous idea that "the present plays a pivotal role in reshaping "our world". Reiterating the United Nations invitation for individuals to ‘take action’ inclines the audience to surmount their unwillingness to remedy the steady decline in biological diversity, and take steps to preserve the ‘variety of life on Earth’, specifically the organisms depicted in Lee’s opening slide. love how you transitioned so smoothly fr analysing the text to the visualThe illustration of plants, animals, and ocean waves, each within the enlarged header, 2010, reinforces the notion that audience members should act now, rather than wait for a forthcoming opportunity to do so. The image of a young child grasping the hand of an adult is perhaps reminiscent of the idiomatic huh? expression of holding ones hand, which carries connotations of guidance and assistancegood. This inspires the audience to lead younger generations in the direction of safeguarding biodiversity, in order to ensure its preservation in the long term.   

Having mobilised the audience’s support, Lee queries the rationality behind characterising 2010 as a year of ‘action’ and ‘celebration of life’. Employing the term ‘honestly’ before questioning the progress made towards minimising biodiversity loss compels audience members to acknowledge reality, rather than prevaricate, and concede that negligible measures have been taken in this area. Lee articulates the plausibility of reducing biodiversity loss to facilitate ‘poverty alleviation’ and ‘life on Earth’. Emphatically enunciating the word ‘exactly’, before further alluding that this is indeed what society ‘set out to do’, manoeuvres the audience to reflect on their endeavours to preserve biodiversity. Upon doing so, audience members discern that the progress in eradicating poverty and guarding life on Earth has stagnated due to their apathy in preventing biodiversity loss, further compelling them to work towards engendering a ‘significant reduction’ in biodiversity. Lee utilises statistics to inform the audience of the wildlife they have already lost, before insinuating that their ‘thoughtless human actions’ are responsible for this outcome. So?The assertion that ‘35% of mangroves, 40% of forests and 50% of wetlands’ are now non-existent, coupled with the claim that extinction is occurring at ‘100 times the natural rate’ elicits astonishment and fear in conference attendees. Such sentiments position the audience to concur with Lee’s argument, in that the death of the aforesaid ecosystems resulted from their selfish and careless decisions. Lee’s shift to a despondent tone further evinces the biological devastation that has occurred over the ‘last one hundred years’. So? Citing the IUCN’s ‘Red List’ to accentuate that it is ‘too late’ for the 804 animals declared extinct coerces the audience to not merely yearn for what has been lost, but to also contemplate the irrevocable consequences arising from their actions, in turn educing sentiments of nostalgia and compunction.  This entire paragraph almost feels like a whole bunch of random bits of analysis that you've thrown together. There doesn't seem to be much of a connection between each bit of analysis.

Adopting a categorical tone, Lee alleges that, unlike the animals mentioned previously, it is not ‘too late’ for society to reverse the present situation, in which biodiversity’s abundance is steadily decreasing. Lee’s articulation of ‘in truth’, before his postulation that the audience belongs to the most ‘educated’ generation not only serves to avow the veracity of his argument in their minds How? I don't get the connection. How does the audience being "educated" and "in truth" = "avow the veracity of his argument"? You need to clearly elucidate the connection., but also angles them to regard individuals in their generation as knowledgeable and hence capable of ‘commit[ing] to action’ and reversing the ‘grim situation’ concerning biodiversity. Sardonically portraying society’s ‘haphazard’ attempts to make reparations as ‘wonderful words, glossy brochures and inspiring documentaries’  is effective Beware. Sounds like you're analysing how persuasive the orator is which is a biiiiig no no in LA. in awakening the audience to the futility of their actions, and positions them to feel guilty that instead of taking ‘real action’, they are ensconced  in an ‘air conditioned and sumptuously catered’ environment while their outdoor environment is gradually diminishing. The forceful pronunciationsI love this phrase so friggin much I can't even. of the personal pronouns ‘you’ and ‘your country’ are further employed by Lee in questioning the contributions made to achieve goals, concurrently imbuing disappointment within individual conference attendees as they discern that they, along with their nation  have contributed insubstantially.  good

Concluding his oration by openly querying if ‘any of this’ is unfamiliar information, and subsequently exclaiming ‘of course not,’ Lee invites the audience to formulate a contrasting assertion Wait. He positions his audience to disagree with him? ], but upon doing so discern that Lee is justified in his reasoning and emphatically agree with him, in that society is indeed cognizant of the irrevocable ramifications of their lifestyle onto their planet. One ramification pertains to the Earth’s fragility, as insinuated by Lee’s closing slide. The depiction of the Earth positioned in a cupped pair of hands aligns the audience to postulate that the Earth is too fragile to support itself, whilst assuming that mankind's ‘greatest treasure’ is being presented to them to safeguard from diminishment. Rather than engaging in discussion, Lee advocates the notion of embarking on ‘serious action’, ideally by reiterating the imperative for change, not just to influential figures but also to the ‘everyday householder’. v, good.

Other comments:

1. I've noticed that you tend to sorta name-drop quotes. Like you drop quotes like "everyday householder" and "our world" or whatever and don't really unpack that quote which is common and a-okay for text response but something you should be cautious of for LA.

2. You have that problem that I have in that you have also "swallowed a dictionary" (lel. someone used that phrase to describe my writing once and I'll never forget it). But be cautious of letting your sophisticated language get in the way of your analysis esp if you're misusing words (which you did occasionally). Sometimes, the best words to use are the simple ones.

All in all, good job. :D

EDIT:

Feel free to disregard my advice if it's wrong + to anyone that's reading this, if I've said anything that's wrong, please feel free to correct me. :)
« Last Edit: July 07, 2016, 11:29:58 am by HopefulLawStudent »

AngeRay

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Re: [english] lang. analysis feedback please!!
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2016, 04:22:51 pm »
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Hi Upandgo,
So I have read your essay and I have a few general pointers, nothing as detailed as HLS. They may not be what you want, or what your teacher has taught you, so take everything with a grain of salt.

1. I would suggest that:
"A commitment to assist both the impecunious and species on Earth through abating biodiversity loss, along with the necessity to review the progress made in doing so, and make future considerations have acted as the impetus for the orchestration of the International Biodiversity Conference (2010)." is a waste of time, just dive into the intro. You do need to include the rationale (why the author wrote they wrote) but do it in a way that it only needs a couple of words.
2. Who is the audience?
3. Try to identify (by name) the technique and separate them into small paragraphs. Each technique only needs like 3-4 sentences each.
4. Even if you don't do the above, make sure your visual has its own paragraph and analysis.
5. Your 3rd paragraph sounds like a random jumbo of analysis you didn't know what to do with. Separate each technique into smaller parts, and name them. It will focus you to just analyse that one.
6. Put the tone in your introduction, it normally sounds better.
7. Your conclusion should never have the word concluding no matter how it is used. It also does not sound like a conclusion, you are making a couple general statements about the issue of the text, please try not to bring up any additional points.
8. You are analysing how a writer/presenter uses written and visual language to attempt to persuade, not how well they did it. Try to avoid statements like "having mobilised the audience's support" because you don't know if he did. You are an impartial analyser and you have no opinion or extra knowledge of the issue. Try "after attempting to mobilise the support of the audience, Lee..."

There was some good analysis in there, it just got mixed up and lost in the confusion of the paragraphs. The body does not seem to know where it fits in line with the rest of the response. Like HLS said, try not to just "drop" quotes, make sure there is a brief explanation there too. Good luck :)

upandgo

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Re: [english] lang. analysis feedback please!!
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2016, 06:24:48 pm »
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thanks everyone! really appreciate the feedback!  :)
2015: Biology | Accounting
2016: English [44] | Mathematical Methods (CAS) | Business Management | Legal Studies