Feedback Please...

[jacquic]

Context essay on Life of Galileo responding to the prompt 'strengths and weaknesses of an individual surface when encountered with conflict'.
I wrote a newspaper article about Communism in China and the Tiananmen Square Massacre and added two comments to the article.
Some feedback would be great!!!

Zhang Wei Chen’s life changed on that virulent day in Beijing on June 4 1989. Chen witnessed his friends and classmates mercilessly slaughtered for the right to freedom in what popularly became known as the Tiananmen Square Massacre. An illustration of the oppressive and tyrannical adjudication of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP).
Chen recalls the pro-democracy demonstration as a ‘final plea for a change in a communist rule’. As he recounts the events the element of pride in his voice is evident as he depicts the thousands of students assiduously protesting the arbitrary domination of the CCP. Then anguish and bereavement enshroud his face as he details the abhorrent and heinous way in which 2000 young Chinese protestors were callously massacred.
After the massacre, Chen was incarcerated for 8 years for being a democracy/ anti-government activist. In a human rights subcommittee Chen enunciated that the ‘Chines Communist Party is continuing in its efforts to crackdown the democracy movement’ which leaves the question in all of our minds, why is the CCP so resolute in its exertion to obliterate the democracy movement. Well, I can tell you why. Because the Chinese Communist Party is an inhuman, dictatorial and onerous regimen.
Government-controlled television and newspaper, no freedom of speech and deception about the ways of the western world is how China boasts themselves once the ‘sick man of Asia, now an international superpower’. But is a country really prosperous if its citizens are persecuted and crippled under a tyrannical government. This begs the question how long can the Chinese Communist Party survive?
China’s political system is an accumulation of detritus and Chen believes the leader Xi Jingping understands this yet refuses to accept defeat and acknowledge the requisitions for democracy. Jingping is hurriedly becoming the next Joseph Stalin and his despotism is severely stressing the Chinese system and bringing it perilously close to nonfeasance.
While Chen delineates the collapse of the Chinese government as chaotic in the sense that radicals will revolt and the nation will be ruled by mayhem he also believes it may be the answer to the prayers of the democracy activists. In a post-Mao China, the desire for democracy is constantly increasing as the autocratic and fascist government is mirroring the Nazism of the 1930’s.
While the ruling of China is concerning its citizens it is also perturbing the rest of the world. USA President Obama’s spokesman Patrick Ventrell said that the president is ‘urging China to uphold its international standards’. Chen experienced firsthand the encumbering coercion of the Communist Part because of his undertaking as a devout propagandist.
Chen was tortured at the hands of communist soldiers for 8 years who were determined to suppress desires for democracy and ‘cover-up’ the tragedies of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Despite, the oppression and potential consequences, Chen, in the face of adversary refused to succumb to the communist influence.
From his cold concrete jail cell Chen penned two articles for an American newspaper. One ‘The Coming Demise of the Chinese Communist Party’ in which he outline the instability of such a method of rule. Perhaps his most striking line from the entire article was ‘the Communist Party has lost all moral legitimacy and stays in power only through its increasingly coercive measures’. His second piece, ‘Communism from a china man’s Point of View’ tells the rest of the world what really happens on the inside of the communist rule from which the rest of the world is hidden. Xi Jingping’s chief of staff, Li Zhanshu elucidates Chen’s writings as ‘lies and an opprobrium to both him and his country’. While vice president of the USA Joe Biden construes the pamphlets as a ‘show of courage and strength in a world of conflict’.
Chen’s strength continues to inspire others however, it was not without moments of weakness. I remember Chen telling me on the anniversary of his release from prison ‘Robert, there were times in that jail cell where giving up would’ve been the best decision I made, yet I couldn’t let the future generations of China grow in a suppressing nation while the rest of the world is making voluminous progress’.
Finally, the collapse of the CCP is inevitable and it is only a matter of time before the democratic activists achieve what they have been fighting for since 1989 and have been constantly persecuted for. Communism will fall when human empathy starts to win out over ossified authority.
                                                                                                                                                                              Robert Woodbeard
Politics Teacher  Comment posted 28/07/2016 12:13pm
Communism in China is as much of concern as it was in the Soviet Union. They suppress their citizens and hide behind the glamour of a modernized world. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against the Chinese but simply loathe their government. And if something doesn’t happen soon China will become a collapsed skeleton of power.
Elsie Parker  Comment posted 28/07/2016 9:54pm
Robert, your article is a real eye-opener for those who do not study world politics. China is trying in vain to protect its superpower reputation at the expense of its citizens. This shows the problem with communism is the absolutism and the allowance for one corrupt man to have absolute power. 

[cooldude123]

Some general feedback- you have good expression and flow in your piece, but you need to address the prompt and the text much more directly in your piece.

Though it is generally well written and the form of the piece is appropriate, it is unclear where exactly you're addressing a piece and comes across as generic. Your example of the activist Chen has some good detail- you talked about his time in prison and his publications- but what needed more explanation if you wanted to show relevance to the prompt is to ask yourself a few questions- why exactly did he choose to do these things? how do they reflect on the strengths and weaknesses of him? what does it mean to have these qualities in such an environment?

Specifically, more elaboration on these parts-

Despite, the oppression and potential consequences, Chen, in the face of adversary refused to succumb to the communist influence.

however, it was not without moments of weakness. I remember Chen telling me on the anniversary of his release from prison ‘Robert, there were times in that jail cell where giving up would’ve been the best decision I made, yet I couldn’t let the future generations of China grow in a suppressing nation while the rest of the world is making voluminous progress’.

Making links to the text clear would also be a bonus- for example if you wanted to use the CCP as an analogy to the Catholic Church in Life of Galileo, then explain the differences in Chen's resolve despite being imprisoned vs Galileo's recantation- what differences and similarities existed there?

Otherwise, explaining more on the relevance of the idea that the CCP will inevitably collapse (in the last paragraph), as well as the comments to the prompt and the essay overall would be good- remember, in an exam/SAC you will have to be succinct.

[jacquic]

Thanks for that very helpful

[AngeRay]

Zhang Wei Chen’s life changed on that virulent day in Beijing on June 4 1989. Chen when he witnessed his friends and classmates mercilessly slaughtered for the right to freedom in what popularly became known as the Tiananmen Square Massacre. This became an illustration of the oppressive and tyrannical adjudication of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). Chen recalls the pro-democracy demonstration as the ‘final plea for a change in a communist rule’. As he recounts the events, the element of pride in his voice is evident as he depicts the thousands of students assiduously protesting the arbitrary domination of the CCP. Then Anguish and bereavement enshroud his face as he details the abhorrent and heinous way in which 2000 young Chinese protestors were callously massacred.
paragraph break
After the massacre, Chen was incarcerated for 8 years for being a democratic / anti-government activist. In a human rights subcommittee, Chen enunciated that the ‘Chines Communist Party is continuing in its efforts to crackdown the democracy movement’ which leaves the question in all of our minds, why is the CCP so resolute in its exertion to obliterate the democracy movement. Well, I can tell you why.I have the answer. Its because the Chinese Communist Party is an inhuman, dictatorial and onerous regimen.
paragraph break
Government-controlled television and newspapermedia, no freedom of speech and deceptionpropaganda about the ways of the western world is how China boasts themselves once the ‘sick man of Asia, now an international superpower’. It took me three readings of the sentence to figure out what you meant. The ending doesn't make sense, instead what about "propaganda about the ways of the Western World is one of the reasons why China boasts themselves once the 'sick man of Asia, now an international superstar'.But is a country reallyactually prosperous if its citizens are persecuted and crippled under a tyrannical government? This begs the question, how long can the Chinese Communist Party survive?

China’s political system is an accumulation of detritus and Chen believes the leader, Xi Jingping, understands this, yet refuses to accept defeat and acknowledge the requisitions for democracy. Jingping is hurriedly becoming the next Joseph Stalin and his despotism is severely stressing the Chinese system and bringing it perilously close to nonfeasance. While Chen delineates the collapse of the Chinese government as chaotic in the sense that radicals will revolt and the nation will be ruled by mayhem; he also believes it may be the answer to the prayers of the democracy activists. In a post-Mao China, the desire for democracy is constantly increasing as the autocratic and fascist government is mirroring the Nazism of the 1930’s.

While the ruling of China is concerning its citizens it is also perturbing the rest of the world. USA President Obama’s spokesman Patrick Ventrell said that the president is ‘urging China to uphold its international standards’. Chen experienced firsthand the encumbering coercion of the Communist Part because of his undertaking as a devout propagandist. Chen was tortured at the hands of communist soldiers for 8 years who were determined to suppress desires for democracy and ‘cover-up’ the tragedies of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Despite, the oppression and potential consequences, Chen, in the face of adversary refused to succumb to the communist influence.

From his cold concrete jail cell Chen penned two articles for an American newspaper. One ‘The Coming Demise of the Chinese Communist Party’ in which he outlines the instability of such a method of rule. Perhaps his most striking line from the entire article was ‘the Communist Party has lost all moral legitimacy and stays in power only through its increasingly coercive measures’. His second piece, ‘Communism from a China Man’s Point of View’ tells the rest of the world what really happens on the inside of the communist rule from which the rest of the world is hidden. Xi Jingping’s chief of staff, Li Zhanshu elucidates Chen’s writings as ‘lies and an opprobrium to both him and his country’. While vice president of the USA Joe Biden construes the pamphlets as a ‘show of courage and strength in a world of conflict’.

Chen’s strength continues to inspire others however, it was not without moments of weakness. I remember Chen telling me on the anniversary of his release from prison ‘Robert, there were times in that jail cell where giving up would’ve been the best decision I made, yet I couldn’t let the future generations of China grow in a suppressing nation while the rest of the world is making voluminous progress’.

Finally, The collapse of the CCP is inevitable and it is only a matter of time before the democratic activists achieve what they have been fighting for since 1989 and have been constantly persecuted for. Communism will fall when human empathy starts to win out over ossified authority.

OK SO, this was quite a read. I actually had no idea about most of this so it was nice to be informed. That being said, I still have a couple of notes for you.

Generally an expository piece is just an exploration of the topic, this sounded like a persuasive piece as it tries to convince the reader that the fall of the CCP is "inevitable". You describe that it was a newspaper article, I think that needs to be more clear. Newspaper articles can be opinion, news, editorial or columns. Try and make sure your paragraphing is more distinct as it sounded like a speech praising Chen instead of exploring the prompt.

The example of Chen against the Chinese propaganda is actually quite a good example especially in the face of the prompt. I didn't see the text links until I realised that maybe is was a parallel with Galileo producing the book whilst in jail for blaspheming against the Church. The link needs to be a lot clearer, I know that some teachers are like "you only need to use the ideas of the text", but make the examiner's job easier. I think your conclusion needs a little something extra.

All in all, it was a good piece, but I would not classify it as an expository essay.

[jacquic]

thanks for your feedback... its very helpful
just to clarify this was an imaginative piece not an expository... sorry if it was confusing

[AngeRay]

I mean in this in the best way possible, I could not see this as an imaginative. Essays are generally not imaginative and unless you made the whole Chen thing up, isn't your creation. Imaginative normally means that you created a story, or a speech or a poem. It isn't facts and real life, YOU invented it.

Newpapers which are reports of events are generally persuasive or expository.

[studybuddy7777]

I mean in this in the best way possible, I could not see this as an imaginative. Essays are generally not imaginative and unless you made the whole Chen thing up, isn't your creation. Imaginative normally means that you created a story, or a speech or a poem. It isn't facts and real life, YOU invented it.l

Newpapers which are reports of events are generally persuasive or expository.

Let me just start by saying I don't totally agree with this.
If this is a creative piece (Sorry im from NSW :p) then you do not have to make up everything. I am certainly not experienced in the communism field, so i do not know how factually based it is.
But if you are doing a history based creative piece you must add your own spin to it. This can be as simple as this story folding out from someone's view/a witness (not a newsreporter please ).
Eg if you were doing hitler, than you could talk about either being a jew facing genocide or a member of his squad.
Hope this helps and can i just say that a newspaper article does not have comments after it. I think what you mean is a blog article (if thats what its called)

Good work but definitely room for improvement!!

[jacquic]

thanks studybuddy7777!!!
to write an imaginative piece you dont necessarily have to make up the entire story
BTW AngeRay... Chen is an entire fictional character who i created

[studybuddy7777]

thanks studybuddy7777!!!
to write an imaginative piece you dont necessarily have to make up the entire story
BTW AngeRay... Chen is an entire fictional character who i created

Than if you made up an entire character this is great, couldnt ask you to do any more!! I am aware you dont have to make up the entire story, just kind of like one of those "based on a true story" things
Keep up the good work!!!

[Dem16]

I think it is a great idea to do an article.....
Do you have any other ideas for imaginative for Life of Galileo jacquic?

[studybuddy7777]

I think it is a great idea to do an article.....
Do you have any other ideas for imaginative for Life of Galileo jacquic?

If you are hinting at what i think you are...
Just know that imaginative/creative writing is quite possibly the one english (exam) component that you cannot simply get off someone else and wing it.

It has to be your own work because you have to get it on to the paper on the day not jacquic

Sorry to be the fun police

[AngeRay]

Hey! I agree with Studybuddy7777, a blog article would be a great form banner to have for you. If Chen is entirely fictional (I obviously didn't do any research) then that was one of the best things I've read. I had no reason to believe that every one of your sentences was not true and if you created his whole story, cudos to you. Everything was plausible with no holes or noticeable discrepancies. (I think that's how you spell it).

One of the creative ideas I gave to another girl who needed some inspiration (and I changed it a bit as we were doing it over social media was, in slightly better terms)
Having a modern day student struggling with choosing the moral option or doing what they're told from a powerful corporation or school. This person finds a long lost letter from Galileo written on his deathbed about the choice he made when created the Discorsi in spite of the Church. The student reads the letter and then indicate that the student probably chose morality, but leave open ended.

[jacquic]

hello.... I have written another imaginative piece.... this time taking the voice of a journalist who was at Tiananmen Square. The prompt is 'Heroes often emerge from conflict'

Vociferous screams pierce the air, all around me protestors are being callously executed for their democratic desires. I was in the midst of what is now popularly known as the Tiananmen Square Massacre. As a journalist my preeminent endeavour was to capture the moment in photographs for the LA Times to educate the rest of the western world in the oppressive and tyrannical rule of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). The sound of gunfire fills the air, leaving a ceaseless ringing in my ears. Then something happens amidst the dishevelment that makes a multitude of over 5000 people stand utterly silent.

My execrable camera had no film left so I had to depend on my memory for what was still to come. Before me the unthinkable began to unfold. One man, jaded by the dictatorial and onerous government which controlled his nation stood up unarmed and helpless fighting against a seemingly endless line of army tanks. In that moment, this nameless man became the ‘Tank Man’. He became an icon in the western world, symbolising the fight for democracy and the courage to stand up for what you believe is right even in the face of adversary. This man became a hero and the catalyst for many democratic appetencies.

That night I returned to my hotel room, my heart heavy with what I had witnessed yet feelings of incitement filled me as I thought of the one man who was willing to die for his beliefs. The moment as captured by another journalist sent ripples through the entire western world. A quarter century ago, a movement for peace, freedom and democracy was insensately annihilated. A quarter century ago one man propitiated his life to defend what he believed in. We don’t know what happened to him or who he was but we do know what he stood up for. His heroism, courage and valour were not in vain. His image has moved the world and with all its impact it should have moved China, but unfortunately it hasn’t.

The Chinese Communist Party is an accumulation of detritus and even the tragedies of 1989 did not manage to bring political reforms to China. So what will it take for the communist party to understand that it has lost all moral legitimacy and it stays in power only through its increasingly coercive measures? One man in a disharmonious world went to revolutionary measures in a final plea for a change in communist rule and did the government listen? No.

Since my time in China, my interests in the communist rule have escalated and with every bit of extensive research that I conduct regarding the democratic desires I find that right at the heart of every anti-government protest and self-government supplication is the Tank Man. Despite the great perplexity that surrounds this man he is still the catalyst for change in China. The Tank Man has become allegorical of courage and defiance that defined a generation around the globe. Though his name is unknown, he is one of the most influential and puissant men in the history of politics. 

Many may not understand the despotic and czarist rule in China. The government controls media and publishes propaganda about the ways of the western world in attempts to quash the ubiquitous array of anarchy. In a post-Mao China, the desire for democracy is constantly increasing as the autocratic and fascist government is mirroring the Nazism of the 1930’s. The continuous yearning for a democracy in China is contributing to the inevitable collapse of the Communist Party. While the collapse of any government is detrimental to the nation, the demise of the CCP will be an answer to the prayers of the democratic activists.

Despite appearances, China’s political system is perilously close to breaking point. While it is difficult to predict when it will collapse the increased execration towards such a method of rule is illuminating the lack of support that the CCP possesses. The façade of instability in China is only contributing to its dissolution and the possibility of a democracy in the future.

While in China in 1989, I began to understand that communism will fall when human empathy starts to win out over ossified authority. Thus the Tank Man’s rebellion portrays that pertinacious governance in China is becoming less and less capitulated to. The Tank Man is an inspiration to all in respecting your beliefs and standing up for what is right. After witnessing the Tank Man’s historical defiance it became the pièce de résistance of my life. He showed me and the rest of the world that heroism isn’t through pomp and splendour it emerges when one is confronted with schism. The Tank Man is now the paragon in the fight for democracy within an austere rule.
                                                                                                Robert Woodbeard
Political
The Tank Man is an inspiration to everyone today. China is suppressing their citizens and hiding behind the glamour of a modernised world yet the Tank Man still emerges every time democracy or autonomy is mention. His heroic actions defined the severity of the situation in China and showed the somewhat naïve western world how oppressive and burdensome the Communist Party really is. Despite the lack of reform that evolved from Tiananmen Square the Tank Man is an afflatus for all those fighting against communism.
Elsie Parker
Robert, after reading your article I was inspired to research the Tank Man. A two-minute YouTube clip gave me an insight into the heinous rule in China from which the rest of the world is kept oblivious. It is a representation of a David and Goliath struggle where the Tank Man becomes a world-wide symbol for democracy against the powerful and suppressive Communist regime.

[AngeRay]

I loved your story, it was amazing, sounds real.

There were two things I had problems with though, I didn't see the text link to Galileo. I couldn't see it at all.

I also still don't know about including comments to the article, it would work for a sac with a written intention but not for the exam. Maybe you should think about either removing them or integrating them better.

If your text was about Chinese Communism, and those comments didn't exist, then this would be a 10/10. As is, I could only give it a 6/10.

You don't have to just listen to me prattling on, but thanks for writing another one