“Conflict of conscience can be just as difficult as conflict between people”
Dear Mum,
I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you and Dad on this special day for you and that I was not able to contact you for awhile, but I have been hiding something. Something that has repeatedly made my eye twitch and my gut churning as if it was like sea sickness. The feeling of nausea doesn't seem to go away. I’m scared. I’ve always used to mask myself with a face that showed that I was fearless, however now I don’t think I can mask myself with how I truly feel. The effects of war are something that I overlooked, as I’ve always wanted to become a hero. I never anticipated that this would be the consequence I would face, to help protect the lives of men, women and children who constantly live in fear. You always told me as a kid, that a seedling was what I am and I would one day grow to be a tree bearing fruit; I never used to understand that reference until now. A tree’s ability to bear fruit is seen as a symbol of hope.
A soldier, is who I am. I fight for justice, peace, equality. How can doing something for the greater good, lead me on a slow path to my own psychological war? I can’t see straight, I can’t face the reality that these people are living in. I can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy anymore. My commander told me to go back but I know that if I did, I would be disappointed as I couldn’t help these people. I don’t even know if writing this letter is real or not. All I know is that this battle I face with myself is difficult, its not like being in war with another person; we can always compromise or negotiate to come down to a decision that will satisfy us all. But how do we compromise with ourselves?
On the 20th of September, a fire engulfed on a local hostel with screams of terror being heard from miles away and bodies dropping on the ground looking for safety like they were the sound of gunshots. Shattering the glass of what’s left from the windows as we enter the building, the terrorist group’s lurking around I see one boy. Dripping in sweat mixing in with blood oozing out from his deep cut wounds, he was sitting down. A tear dropped from his right eye, I could sense that his pain not only remarked the physical agony that he encounter but the emotional rip he faced with everything he had gone. A gun pointed to his head, he looked straight at me and I could tell that he was calling for a protector. A soldier. I was conflicted with whether that I should move. If I had moved he would have been shot dead but if I didn’t he would still be dead. A boy so young, doesn't deserve to endure the sufferings of the world. I had to do something. One last breath I took the step forward. Slow paced, yelling for them to lower their weapons. Looking at the young boy’s face he suddenly raised his eyes blinking ever so slowly with the blood dripping down his face, the sudden smile knowing that he will be okay. I hesitated to shoot the terrorist, I just simply stared at the boy. Within a blink of an eye, the young boy’s head severed with a lead bullet, gushing out red blood and his body slowly dropping forward and smashing the ground. It became silent. His eyes still open, glaring at me with his lifeless body. I could only hear my heart beat and every timed it thumped, my body pushed back. I never witnessed someone die before my very eyes. It was as if my heart was ripped out and the hole just kept getting bigger. I watched a child die before my eyes and I could have prevented it. A mere glimpse of distraction is what caused his death. A soldier, is who I am. A soldier, is meant to protect not to be diverted.
Sleeping after that, it was when it started going down south. The nightmares don’t stop. The endless loop of the boy’s death replaying in my mind. Slowly driving to madness. I began to lose touch with what was real. Fighting became more of a fantasy than it was a reality. It’s like that Tom Cruise movie, Edge of Tomorrow, living the same day on endless repeat over and over again. Living with madness, isn’t an easy fix. We live in a world of conflict, where it is easy to resolve if we compromise and we see that through news broadcasts and all that. But how do you fix conflict that lives inside of you? Time. I had enough time to not talk about this. Now, expressing the way I have felt has helped but it hasn’t completely cleared my conscience. I just want the nightmares to stop.
I know you wanted to hear about my adventures, but to be truthful it isn’t adventurous, it’s dangerous.
Ill see you soon.
Tom
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