Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[elysepopplewell]

Thanks so much Elyse! Really appreciate your help 
is this a little clearer??? The core of representation is constituted by the intentional choice of information and the form in which they are stressed. It is evidently the manner in which a situation is represented that determines the impact on individuals and its significance in broader society.
I'm just a bit stuck on what sort of topic sentences I can get from this??Any ideas?
thx again

SO much better! Love this!

It really depends where you want to go in terms of topic sentences. Some people will talk about the reciprocal nature of politics between people in power and the powerless. Some people will talk about the yearn and quest for power, and some people will explore the way the attainment of power is viewed differently by different people.

[Never.Give.Up]

SO much better! Love this!

It really depends where you want to go in terms of topic sentences. Some people will talk about the reciprocal nature of politics between people in power and the powerless. Some people will talk about the yearn and quest for power, and some people will explore the way the attainment of power is viewed differently by different people.

Thanks soooo much Elyse! 
Really, really helpful- hopefully I can use some of the ideas from those topic sentences

[elysepopplewell]

Thanks soooo much Elyse! 
Really, really helpful- hopefully I can use some of the ideas from those topic sentences

So glad! You might also benefit from checking out the Advanced essay marking thread to find some other Module C essays for inspiration

[Never.Give.Up]

So glad! You might also benefit from checking out the Advanced essay marking thread to find some other Module C essays for inspiration

Ok thanks 

[damecj]

Hey there!

Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression and projected state of humanity’s moral values. Thus being able to critically evaluate themselves and their social environment. The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984, propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures. While also  exploring how oppressive capitalist plutocracies can abuse and dictate individual freedoms.

Firstly, I'd suggest changing "in both the present and the future" to "audiences from the time of the texts creation, and audiences beyond, are able.." or something that changes "present and future" because it sounds simple, but it also ignores the time before the present where the texts were received. Secondly, I'll suggest nominalisation for the "to be educated." You might already know so please excuse me if I'm repeating something, but nominalisation is basically changing the verb to the noun form. So I'd say, "are able to gain education about.." so "educated" becomes 'education" which sounds more sophisticated. Lastly, "Thus, audiences are able to..." sounds better

So your ideas are there, just expression things

Thanks heaps,

Was running very low on enegry and the brain power wasn't working very well ahha. Appreiciate the help

[JeffChiang]

Hi, Can I please get some feedback on my thesis?

Question from AN Trial: Different discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary. To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Thesis: Many discoveries will be vastly different, being achieved through various means, but their consequences always leave a considerable impact on an individual's psyche.
Usually, I don't go against the question but for this instance, it works better with the textual evidence I have.

Thank you very much!!!

[Opengangs]

Question: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal the way that discoveries can lead us to reassess values and see the world in new ways?

Thesis: The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas.

Any feedback is appreciated, thanks!

[epherbertson]

Hey

I have been struggling to construct some really strong ideas for discovery and would like any more input as possible. For reference, I am using the Life of Pi as my prescribed text and Ozymandias as my related.  Here is what i have so far:
1. The evolution of human identity is determined by the individual response to an environment in which provokes unfamiliar experiences.
- needs to be a willingness

2. The reinterpretation of a discovery confronts initial perspectives allowing the construction of a new truth for the receptive individual.
- power of story-telling, re-shape identity through narrative

3. There is a requirement of a discovery in order to develop human insight.

Thank you so much
Emily

[georgiia]

I'd really really appreciate feedback for my thesis statement and if possible, the rest of my intro.
Thanks!!

QUESTION:
‘Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new values and new understandings of ourselves and others.'
To what extent os this view represented by your prescribed text and ONE related text?

THESIS:
The nature of discovery is inevitably transformative, challenging the individual to adopt new perceptions of the world and renewed insights into themselves and others.

REST OF INTRO:
To a very large extent, Shakespeare’s play ‘The Tempest’ and Wes Anderson’s 2012 film ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ align with the view that discoveries are inevitably transformative. They engage with this view through representations of re-discovered meaning and spiritually and emotionally significant discoveries. However, the transformative power of discovery is only inevitable to the extent that the individual tests conflicting values and confronting perceptions of the world against their own understandings. Only then is transformation an inevitable outcome of discovery.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi, Can I please get some feedback on my thesis?

Question from AN Trial: Different discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary. To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Thesis: Many discoveries will be vastly different, being achieved through various means, but their consequences always leave a considerable impact on an individual's psyche.
Usually, I don't go against the question but for this instance, it works better with the textual evidence I have.

Thank you very much!!!

Hey there! LOVE that you're using the AN trial

Thesis: Many discoveries will be vastly different, being achieved through various means, but their consequences always leave a considerable impact on an individual's psyche.

I like the way you've incorporated the individual's psyche - it's interesting, it's unique, and it's specific. So it shows me that right from the start, you have an interesting agenda and I'm intrigued to see where it goes. The thing that sticks out to me is the wording of the first part, and it's not even a total disaster, I just think it could be more fluid. Perhaps, "The means of achieving/recognising/experiencing discoveries is varied, but the consequences always leave a considerable impact on an individual's psyche." I've basically just squishes together your first two points about discovery (the result and the means) as one, so the sentence isn't as disjointed at the beginning and the key points flow. What do you think? Great attempt at adapting the question to your plan!

Question: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal the way that discoveries can lead us to reassess values and see the world in new ways?

Thesis: The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas.

Any feedback is appreciated, thanks!

Hey there!

Thesis: The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas.

The part that sticks out to me as a space for improvement is "moreover, the values they possess are not static..." You're essentially making the same point in both sentences, but you've added the static idea in the second. I think you'd be better off leaving the first sentence as is, and then potentially using the idea that values are not static when you're introducing the texts. So, "In GBTWYCF, O'Mahoney details the way values esteemed as static and righteous, are challenged..." If this makes sense? So instead of essentially replaying the same thing twice (same same but different) in the first two sentences, I'd save that snippet to use later, and tease out discovery in another way in the second sentence.

Hey

I have been struggling to construct some really strong ideas for discovery and would like any more input as possible. For reference, I am using the Life of Pi as my prescribed text and Ozymandias as my related.  Here is what i have so far:

Thank you so much
Emily

Hey there!

1. The evolution of human identity is determined by the individual response to an environment in which provokes unfamiliar experiences.
- needs to be a willingness
So with this one here, it's all great until we get to "in which" which is a funny little thing students use (I'm guilty as charged) when in reality we could just write "which' or "that" I'm not sure how you're hoping to incorporate the willingness part at the end, this could be a statement on its own?

2. The reinterpretation of a discovery confronts initial perspectives allowing the construction of a new truth for the receptive individual.
- power of story-telling, re-shape identity through narrative
I reallllly like the idea of constructing a new truth. That's great!

3. There is a requirement of a discovery in order to develop human insight.
The modality in this is high, which is fine of course, but it's also a short sentence. So it's a very powerful sentence and doesn't have a lot of immediate scope. So you'd need to be following this up with a sentence to tease it out and lead into how this is expressed in your texts, and probably here you'll lower the modality to allow a contrasting discussion about each of your texts. These are great ideas!

I'd really really appreciate feedback for my thesis statement and if possible, the rest of my intro.
Thanks!!

QUESTION:
‘Discoveries inevitably lead to new perceptions of the world, new values and new understandings of ourselves and others.'
To what extent is this view represented by your prescribed text and ONE related text?

THESIS:
The nature of discovery is inevitably transformative, challenging the individual to adopt new perceptions of the world and renewed insights into themselves and others. Nice! Long, but nice. Any longer and it would be a problem, but this is just enough I think.

REST OF INTRO:
To a very large extent, Shakespeare’s play ‘The Tempest’ and Wes Anderson’s 2012 film ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ align with the view that discoveries are inevitably transformative. They engage with this view through representations of re-discovered meaning and spiritually and emotionally significant discoveries. However, the transformative power of discovery is only inevitable to the extent that the individual tests conflicting values and confronting perceptions of the world against their own understandings. Only then is transformation an inevitable outcome of discovery.

"To a very large extent" doesn't sit well with me, and it's the use of large. To a GREAT extent is probably a better measurement of size. Great has connotations of significance, and large has connotations of physical size. I'd also not say "inevitably transformative" again when introducing the texts after it's in your thesis, just because I think you can be more creative with wording and flesh out new terms to explore in the essay. As I continue reading, we use "inevitable" twice more and it becomes extremely prominent. Perhaps inexorable, inescapable, undeniable, irrevocable...these words might be useful to change it up. Otherwise, great intro!

[georgiia]

"To a very large extent" doesn't sit well with me, and it's the use of large. To a GREAT extent is probably a better measurement of size. Great has connotations of significance, and large has connotations of physical size. I'd also not say "inevitably transformative" again when introducing the texts after it's in your thesis, just because I think you can be more creative with wording and flesh out new terms to explore in the essay. As I continue reading, we use "inevitable" twice more and it becomes extremely prominent. Perhaps inexorable, inescapable, undeniable, irrevocable...these words might be useful to change it up. Otherwise, great intro!

Thanks!!

[Lachlan Morley]

Hi All,

Im having trouble coming up with two diffrent sub thesis statments for my discovery essay

Im studying the tempest for discovery and previosuly i would do a sub thesis along the lines of " An individuals preconceptions and personal context places them into Discovery" and " Discvoereys can be signginfacnlty impactufull on ones identity'' but i felt like i was only half of my essay would really be answering any essay question for example " to what extent do discoveires allow for new values" where only my second thesis would be really releventt to the question.

does anyone have any ideas or examples on two diffrent sub thesis that i can use that both answer a question like the one above but still talk about diffrenet elements of the text without overlap

Thanks for your help

[epherbertson]

Hey there!

1. The evolution of human identity is determined by the individual response to an environment in which provokes unfamiliar experiences.
- needs to be a willingness
So with this one here, it's all great until we get to "in which" which is a funny little thing students use (I'm guilty as charged) when in reality we could just write "which' or "that" I'm not sure how you're hoping to incorporate the willingness part at the end, this could be a statement on its own?

2. The reinterpretation of a discovery confronts initial perspectives allowing the construction of a new truth for the receptive individual.
- power of story-telling, re-shape identity through narrative
I reallllly like the idea of constructing a new truth. That's great!

3. There is a requirement of a discovery in order to develop human insight.
The modality in this is high, which is fine of course, but it's also a short sentence. So it's a very powerful sentence and doesn't have a lot of immediate scope. So you'd need to be following this up with a sentence to tease it out and lead into how this is expressed in your texts, and probably here you'll lower the modality to allow a contrasting discussion about each of your texts. These are great ideas!

Thank you heaps!!! Really appreciate it.

[beau77bro]

OMG THIS IS AMAZING WHEN DID THIS GET HERE

[Daniyahasan]

does anyone have any ideas for a thesis statement for mod b - curious incident of the dog in the night time?
i got a really shit feedback for that essay saying that my thesis was really bad
 help!!!!