Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry

[zhen]

MY TWO FRIENDS WANTED TO COMPETE WITH ME SO THEY DID SPACE PROMPT AS WELL

RATE WHO S IS BETTER


Friend 1: 5 MIN
I was in this amazing place filled with stars. I could see planets, I stepped onto the moon for the first time. As I took my first step a cloud of dust formed around my space shoes. This galaxy blue world seemed like were I belonged. I saw a meteor, it was coming my way, blue streaks trailing behind it, it came closer and closer. I could not escape. It came thundering down with an inferno behind it. I was doomed.

Friend 2: 6 MIN
I stepped into the black, empty galaxy. A rope tightened around my waist which secured me to our spaceship. The freezing air turned my body numb and ice cold. Large, deformed rocks flew past me into the black nothingness. The stars gleamed brightly and contrasted the black, empty galaxy. My breathing was heavy as I drifted around ever so slowly. I turned to find my eyes blinded by the spaceship that glowed white, surrounded by a black galaxy. I returned to the ship and seated myself in the cockpit. This was only the start of my everlasting journey to Mars.

In my opinion it's you>friend 2>friend 1 but that's just my opinion

[jz27]

 HAHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAH "friend one is so triggered" ahaha  

[pro(crastinator)]

Prompt: Space

Twinkling specks of light surrounded me as I drifted away from the spacecraft. Twilight coloured flares slowly danced with the stars. My surroundings easily satisfied my mind. Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life. Now I truly know how it feels. How it feels for your dreams to come true.

Demanding screams interrupted my moment of bliss. "Code red! I repeat code red! Retreat now!" yelled my earpiece. A black void that seemed to consume all light around it appeared to my left. My mouth formed a circle and brows jumped and arched at the terrible sight. This was not part of my dreams. The dark monster seemed to grow and head towards me. But my muscles seemed to freeze.

Training did not prepare me for this. I felt a hard tug. Is this the end? Am I really going to die this way? However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.

[jz27]

GG IM LUCKY IM NOT COMPETING WITH U... I'D BE err F***ed

[jz27]

Prompt: Get Out Of The Car With Your Hands Up

My past flickered through my brain. A montage of all the exciting, boring, good and bad moments of my life, but none of which explained how it resulted like this. Even I, who could weave through the complicated maze that had become my life. I couldn't understand, where or how it began it's downfall. In truth, I know at one fork in my life, I chose the wrong way. I began drinking, and soon after making contact with illicit substances, of course I wasn't stupid enough to actually consume it, I was a dealer. Soon my thirst for money overpowered my common sense. Now look at me, I have a distorted face, a messed up brain, and worst of all...a severe criminal record. Why must fate do this? Why me? My contemplating was stopped by the sirens which were seemingly close to me. I accelerated, desperate to escape into a place far away, from this damned world anyway. Yet the whirring of sirens continued, it's volume slowly increasing, echoing in my brain.

I gave up, I no matter how fast I run, I couldn't run away from the truth. I killed...no, murdered a woman, who most likely had a family. One that would hate me to death. In the rush of the moment, I had unhesitatingly pulled the trigger, not imagining the consequences. A sudden impact from behind my car sent it lurching forward. I braced for impact, squinting my eyes and holding my arms over my face. Surprisingly all that I felt was a soft thud. I looked up in amazement. I didn't know the car I hijacked (Get it? My name hahahah (⸟ᴥ⸟)  sorry that was really cringey humor)had emergency cushioning. My train of thought was stopped on it's tracks ( I couldnt help it lol TRAIN TRACKS?? AHAHHAHAHAHAH  ) by a loud blaring voice:"GET OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP." I reluctantly released myself from my tightly bounded seat belt and clambered off the car. A vice grip forced my hands into cuffs, I was then grabbed and hauled into a police car.       

A BIT CLICHEEEEEEE but meh I ran out of time so I couldnt think of good ending





SoRRY FOR PUTTING U THRU HELL WITH THE JOKES

[GalacticProcess]

Hey guys,
There hasn't been any recent activity on the thread "Suzanne Cory high school essays".
It would be great if some of you guys can read some of my essays and help me out.

Thanks!

[jz27]

Bruh same here. Dont push it. We're the ones at their debt, not vice versa

[12345D]

Topic: Imagine Being Left In A Room With A Box Which Said "Do Not Open"

The cube box was lit by the moon. Sam’s fingers traced the box’s edges. It was smooth, but hard. In the middle of each face was a jewel. On the top face, instead of a jewel, there was a sign.

“Do not open!” it read.

Sam sat next to the box, resisting the urge to open it. He played with his fingers, trying to digress his mind from the box. He even bit his tongue to distract himself
.
However, after fruitless attempts to divert his attention away from the box, curiosity finally struck him.

He turned to face the box once again. His hands slowly reached for the box. They trembled. Fear and curiosity fought for dominance in his mind.

Do not open it, he thought. No, do it!

Eventually, Sam could not resist his desire to reveal what was under the box.

Each one of his hands were placed on the sides of the box.

“Ready, Sam?” he asked himself. “Three, two, one...”

He lifted the box. It was empty.

Sam flushed. He had made a scene over the box, despite its emptiness.

He smiled.

Unbelievable, he thought.


Please give feedback for this writing piece. It was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for MHS test. It would very much be appreciated if this is done as soon as possible. thank you.

[zhen]

Prompt: Space

Twinkling specks of light surrounded me as I drifted away from the spacecraft. Twilight coloured flares slowly danced with the stars. My surroundings easily satisfied my mind. Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life. Now I truly know how it feels. How it feels for your dreams to come true.

Demanding screams interrupted my moment of bliss. "Code red! I repeat code red! Retreat now!" yelled my earpiece. A black void that seemed to consume all light around it appeared to my left. My mouth formed a circle and brows jumped and arched at the terrible sight. This was not part of my dreams. The dark monster seemed to grow and head towards me. But my muscles seemed to freeze.

Training did not prepare me for this. I felt a hard tug. Is this the end? Am I really going to die this way? However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.

Really good description, but there are times when your expression isn't optimal. Here are some examples
Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life.
However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.

Also, I'm not quite sure what happened at the end.
Edit: Heaps of SACs next week and the week after (5 SACs), so I'm not going to be very active and probs won't be able to correct many if any more essays.

[pro(crastinator)]

Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi.

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies.

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.

[jz27]

Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi.

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies.

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.

IT ALSO ATTRACTS PRO GAMER'S

[patriciarose]

Prompt: Get Out Of The Car With Your Hands Up

My past flickered through my brain. maybe connect these two sentences? better flow, plus you don't want the reader to pause between reading the sentences because you lose a bit of the emotion you're trying to get them to feel, i think. eg. ... through my brain: a montage ...  A montage of all the exciting, boring, good and bad moments of my life, but none of which explained how it resulted like this. i feel like this could be said better maybe? Even I, who could weave through the complicated maze niiiiicethat had become my life. here, cut the full stop, make it a comma, cut the 'I' because grammar haha. if you reread that sentence, you've basically started it, and then cut it off. even you could what? nobody knows because you've stopped the sentence haha. I couldn't understand, where or how it began it's downfall. In truth, I know at one fork in my life, I chose the wrong way. so, you've said that you don't know what went wrong, and now you're saying you do. instead, you could maybe say that you suppose you know, or that you didn't want to understand, or literally anything that doesn't exactly contradict what you're about to say. I began drinking, and soon after making contact with illicit substances, of course I wasn't stupid enough to actually consume it, I was a dealer. content wise, nice. grammar wise, the of course part doesn't work. that's kind of an aside (like, you're saying 'by the way i didn't actually do drugs'), so you could put it in hyphens? like: '... soon after making contact with illicit substances – of course, i wasn't stupid enough to actually consume them (you said it but you're talking about multiple substances so it'd be plural), but I was a dealer.' or:  Soon my thirst for money overpowered my common sense. very nice ooh. Now look at me, I have a distorted face, a messed up brain, and worst of all...a severe criminal record. Why must fate do this? Why me? this feels less strong than the rest. i've said it a couple times and i can't get it to flow, but possibly if you said, 'Why must fate do this? I wondered.' idk? it's clunky phrasing but not necessarily bad haha. i'm being nitpicky oops. My contemplating was stopped by the sirens which were seemingly close to me. i feel like this is veering a little close to telling instead of showing, maybe stick an adjective in front of sirens (screeching, ear-piercing, etc) or even an adverb in front of stopped (abruptly, quickly). i don't like giving that advice because sometimes people go and put adjectives in front of every word and it starts sounding like stories kids in grade one write when they're just learning adjectives, but you've had a couple short sentences before this one that are very sort of quick, so a little bit of extra imagery in this one would be nice. again, nitpicky as heck. I accelerated, desperate to escape into a place far away, from this damned world anyway. Yet the whirring of sirens continued, it's (technically the sirens whirring are inanimate, so you don't give them the apostrophe: it'd be 'its.' but then again this is super picky and so many people do this as adults so probably ignore me omg. volume slowly increasing, echoing in my brain. yes yes yes good niiiiice.

I gave up, full stop? I no matter how fast I run, I couldn't run away from the truth. I killed... if you want the reader to pause, use the ellipses you have. if you want a more jolted transition, i'd switch that for a hyphen (–). stylistic thing – i was going to straight up tell you to make it a hyphen, but idk. no, murdered a woman, who most likely had a family. One that would hate me to death. In the rush of the moment, I had unhesitatingly pulled the trigger, not imagining the consequences. good. you've made me feel for both family and killer, good job (: A sudden impact from behind my car sent it lurching forward. I braced for impact, squinting my eyes and holding my arms over my face. Surprisingly all that I felt was a soft thud. I looked up in amazement. I didn't know the car I hijacked (Get it? My name hahahah (⸟ᴥ⸟)  sorry that was really cringey humor) omghad emergency cushioning. My train of thought was stopped on it's tracks ( I couldnt help it lol TRAIN TRACKS?? AHAHHAHAHAHAH  ) by a loud blaring voice:"GET OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP." I reluctantly released myself from my tightly bounded seat belt and clambered off out of haha. unless he's like, on top of the car, in which case that is a massive plot twist omg. but also impossible so don't do that. the car. A vice grip forced my hands into cuffs, I was then grabbed and hauled into a police car.  at the end it's starting to be very tell instead of show (gramar is yuck but), maybe connect two of those sentences just to change it up a little? my rule of thumb tends to be that if you're starting to sound like a textbook, you need to fiddle with a few sentences to get some fluidity in there. mix it up (:      

A BIT CLICHEEEEEEE but meh I ran out of time so I couldnt think of good ending
yeah it got cliche at the end but i figured you were running out of time and honestly, i was expecting you to kill him, which would've been even more cliche, so i liked the ending (: i was super nitpicky with my comments so please don't take them the wrong way omg, this is really good and i'm sure you'll do really well on the exam! good luck (:

SoRRY FOR PUTTING U THRU HELL WITH THE JOKES ahahaha you shOULD be

Topic: Imagine Being Left In A Room With A Box Which Said "Do Not Open"

The cube box was lit by the moon. note: your prompt says in a room. does the room have no roof? if so, please stop telling me about the box and tell me about than phenomenon instead omg. if it does have a roof, where are you getting the moonlight? is it streaming in through a window? i'd maybe mention that, because the person marking this will definitely know the prompt and idk if they're mean enough to makr you down for that, but i just wouldn't risk it haha. Sam’s fingers traced the box’s edges. It was smooth, but hard. In the middle of each face was a jewel. On the top face, instead of a jewel, there was a sign. a lot of short sentences, and you could connect two of them with a comma and an and. like this. when i get tired i start trying to be clever omg, and it always turns out really badly.

“Do not open!” it read.

Sam sat next to the box, resisting the urge to open it. He played with his fingers, trying to digress his mind from the box. He even bit his tongue to distract himself
. that is not the detail i was expecting whoa but okay. it works.
However, after fruitless attempts to divert his attention away from the box, curiosity finally struck him. struck sounds like it's hitting him for the first time, which it obviously isn't, since he's stroking the box and literally biting his tongue (that detail is really growing on me omg) to distract himself from opening it. so maybe trying overwhelmed or something like that instead of struck?

He turned to face the box once again. His hands slowly reached for the box. They trembled. see i was going to complain about short sentences but oh boy, two word sentences are so good (in moderation obviously). that is so much better than saying 'his trembling hands' or anything else. good job. Fear and curiosity fought for dominance in his mind. niiiice.

Do not open it, he thought. No, do it!

Eventually, Sam could not resist his desire to reveal what was under the box.

Each one of his hands were placed on the sides of the box.

“Ready, Sam?” he asked himself. “Three, two, one...”

He lifted the box. It was empty.

Sam flushed. okay, so i know you mean he's embarrassed, but you have a series of short sentences, and if you're not going to add a little more description ('Sam flushed, his cheeks stained red with embarrassment.') at least say he flushed with embarrassment. or something. give me a little more. He had made a scene over the box, despite its emptiness.

doesn't relate. you go straight from embarrassed to smiling? have to break it up a little bit. even, 'But then, he smiled.' just anything to make sure i don't go into the last line thinking he's still super embarrassed. He smiled.

Unbelievable, he thought.
 
i'd like more than the ambiguous ending, realistically. but 15 minutes is awful and this is pretty good!

Please give feedback for this writing piece. It was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for MHS test. It would very much be appreciated if this is done as soon as possible. thank you. took me a little while, sorry. hope the comments are okay, i'm always very picky but i did like this. to improve, maybe try a little more description. your vocabulary and plot were fine though! good luck with the test (:

[12345D]

thanks. feedback was helpful.

[12345D]

Topic: Should People Downloading Music And Movies Illegally Be Punished?

Every day, people listen to music and watch movies. Some do it for leisure, some for jobs and some to relax. However, how do they obtain these movies and music? Do they download from online without purchasing it? If so, this can be classified as a criminal act. Thus, they should be punished.

Downloading from online without purchasing beforehand is illegal. It is against the law. Yet people still continue to do this act. If people are allowed to do an illegal act even as minor as this one, they may see the law as weak and unnecessary. As a result of this, people should face consequences if they download illegally.

Some may suggest that entertainment companies already make an inordinate amount of money; hence why people continue to download illegally. Consequently, entertainment companies can face vast losses, resulting in them being in debt to their sponsor. Thus, people downloading can cause gargantuan losses for companies. Therefore, people illegally downloading must be punished.

Due to potential financial loss to entertainment companies and breaking the law, it would be necessary for punishments to be received in order to stop this act from occurring.

Please give feedback for this piece. This was also done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. i would really appreciate it. thank you.

[Jonodabeast]

Should Social Media Accounts Be Monitored By Schools In The Name Of Cyber Bullying?

Social media is used everyday very frequently by many students around the world. Social media can be the beginning of bullying and therefore must be monitored by schools. Schools should be allowed to monitor students social media accounts as schools can prevent cyber bullying as well as make sure it is used appropriately.
 
Schools can prevent cyber bullying from occurring if social media is monitored. Everyday several hundreds of people around the world suffer from cyber bullying over social media. Social media is extremely easy to access and use and so bullies find it perfect for bullying for pleasure as well as so they can remain anonymous. Schools must monitor social media accounts in order to prevent cyber bullying.

In addition, schools must be allowed to access social media accounts to prevent inappropriate posting. A key way for bullies to bully online is by posting inappropriate images or words in which can discomfort the bullies victim. However if schools were to regularly check these accounts then cyber bullying would not start as often. Schools must monitor students social media to prevent bullying.

It is commonly argued that social media can contain private images in which people may not want their school to view. Schools must monitor these accounts as this can stop cyber bullying. What could people possibly post that the school would care about unless it's inappropriate? Social media must be monitored by schools.

Overall, schools must monitor social media accounts. Schools have the power to prevent the posting of inappropriate things which may lead to cyber bullying. Cyber bullying must be stopped and if schools check these accounts, it would not be as frequent. Schools must be able to monitor students social media accounts in the name of cyber bullying!

P.s Please Give Back ALL The Constructive Criticism You Can Throw At Me And I Do Realise I Have Used Monitor Way Too Much In This.