Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry

[zhen]

Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi. This is not needed in my opinion

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies. Could improve by exploring how it helps students rather than just assuming that it does. Like talk about how it gives them a massive amount of information and stuff like that

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow. Maybe talk about the benefits of having more visitors, since this paragraph doesn't really make the point persuasive as it doesn't talk about the benefits of attracting more visitors.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.

Overall great essay. Keep up the great work.  Sorry my feedback is brief. I have heaps of SACs next week.

[jz27]

I looked through my translucent window, 100 meters down, cars were emitting greenhouse gases and pollution had converged over the sunlight. People were wearing gas masks everywhere. I dreamed of going to another place, maybe a lush green field or a fertile rain forest. Regardless of where I go. I vowed to never go by any means of transportation that would assist in creating a monotonous artificial place like this.

A ship came to mind, a grand vessel, run by a thousand men. I would stand abaft the stern ot the ship. Staring out into the vast blue ocean. The ship, made purely out of natural resources was stockpiled will an adequate amount of food. She was called "Fly". Her sails drifted through the wind, flitting back and forth.

I arrived at the desired land. It was a grassy plain, free of burden from human greed. The sunlight emanating a holy light, representing the warmth of mother earth. My daydream finished, bringing me back to the present. My dream about the past was indeed beautiful. Far batter than the present could ever hope to be.

The ship will always remain in my mind, an untouchable beauty. It would always remain with me as a symbol of majestic grace. This is a miserable message to the people of the past. Keep the world the way it is or you'll be asphyxiating from breathing toxic fumes like methane. KEEP EARTH CLEAN!!






This was crap

[patriciarose]

if you do another one of these, can you give me the prompt next time? (: otherwise i have no clue if you're sticking to it enough haha.

I looked through my translucent um, so, translucent is a great word to have in your vocabulary, but a translucent window is not something you can see clearly through. think of glazing or something like that: you can pick out shapes generally, if they're close up, but not distinctly like you go on to describe. you can't discern a gas mask through a translucent window unless the person is super close omg. window,i'd make this comma a colon ( 100 meters down, cars were emitting greenhouse gases and pollution had converged over the sunlight. description is nice!People were wearing gas masks everywhere. I dreamed of going to another place, maybe a lush green field or a fertile rain forest. also pretty description. you're good at thatRegardless of where I go.probably a typo, but comma instead of full stop I vowed to never go by any means of transportation that would assist in creating a monotonous artificial place like this.

A ship came to mind, a grand vessel, run by a thousand men. I would stand abaft the stern ot the ship. i don't quite understand why you've stopped the sentence here tbh, just comma and continue it. too many full stops break up the flow of your work, and also it's just more grammatically correct not to start sentences that are only a clause long with a verb haha. Staring out into the vast blue ocean. The ship, made purely out of natural resources was stockpiled will an adequate amount of food. She was called "Fly". Her sails drifted through the wind, flitting back and forth this is all nice but you could possibly describe her sails 'like wings' as well? i'm pretty sure markers like similes haha. this is just a suggestion, though, because your description is very nice. .

I arrived at the desired land. It was a grassy plain, free of burden from human greed. The sunlight emanating a holy light, representing the warmth of mother earth. okay, so. that is not a complete sentence. if you'd said 'was emanating' or 'emanated' then it would be, but just emanating doesn't cut it. i'm honestly not sure how to explain this oops, but if you read it out loud, the way you've put it sounds incomplete, and the others don't. (if this makes no sense, let me know and i'll look up a source for you haha. but this is probably super pointless because it's unlikely you'll lose marks for it unless you're in maybe year eleven? idk what the standard is.) My daydream finished, bringing me back to the present. My dream about the past was indeed beautiful. Far batter than the present could ever hope to be. this is another incomplete sentence but it sounds fine in the context, so. just pointing it out haha.

The ship will always remain in my mind, an untouchable beauty. It would will or would? one is present tense and one is past: pick your tense and stick to it. (for the record, you're primarily in past for this whole thing, so would is right.) always remain with me as a symbol of majestic grace. This is a miserable message to the people of the past. maybe colon ( instead of full stop? because then you're saying: this is my message. otherwise you'd be saying. this is my message. the former just sounds better because there's no dislocation between you announcing you have a message and you actually saying the message. Keep the world the way it is or you'll be asphyxiating from breathing toxic fumes like methane. KEEP EARTH CLEAN!!

so, like, there is very little plot here, but i don't know what the prompt is so i'm not going to comment on that. your description is very good! my advice would be to make sure you pick a tense and stick to it for continuity's sake (also a lot of people fluctuate and it just makes their writing look very amateurish, so if you get it right you look great ahaha). not sure if i've marked anything for you before, but if not i should probably repeat that most of the time i don't comment on things i like which makes all my comments quite critical, but i did really like reading this! good luck with the test (:

This was crap omg if this is crap i'd hate to see what you'd label my work from years ago as  you're doing a lot better than fine!

[zhen]

Topic: Should People Downloading Music And Movies Illegally Be Punished?

Every day, people listen to music and watch movies. Some do it for leisure, some for jobs and some to relax. However, how do they obtain these movies and music? Do they download from online without purchasing it? If so, this can be classified as a criminal act. Feel like this sounds more like a speech and would prefer a strong statement like downloading music and movies is an illegal act that must be punished. I feel like if you want to take this approach, rhetorical questions are better for stuff like do you think that stealing someone's hard work is right? Thus, they should be punished.

Downloading from online without purchasing beforehand is illegal. It is against the law. Yet people still continue to do this act. If people are allowed to do an illegal act even as minor as this one, they may see the law as weak and unnecessary. As a result of this, people should face consequences if they download illegally.
Ok point, but topic sentence should start off with the main idea that if people are allowed to disobey the laws now, then they may do it later. Really start it off from the start of the paragraph so you can explore it more.

Some may suggest that entertainment companies already make an inordinate amount of money; hence why people continue to download illegally. Consequently, entertainment companies can face vast losses, resulting in them being in debt to their sponsor. Thus, people downloading can cause gargantuan losses for companies. Therefore, people illegally downloading must be punished.
Again I'd prefer if the topic sentence outlined the arguments. Also show the effects of these losses like companies going bankrupt and people losing jobs, which makes it more effective

Due to potential financial loss to entertainment companies and breaking the law, it would be necessary for punishments to be received in order to stop this act from occurring.

Please give feedback for this piece. This was also done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. i would really appreciate it. thank you.

Overall solid piece but could use a few touch ups. Anyway good job. 

[jz27]

Schools want to be allowed to check and monitor the social media accounts of students in the name of cyber bullying, but all it is is a chance for dishonest teachers to stalk students. Social media accounts contain things that are confidential to students, and maybe their cohort of friends. Should cyber bullying ever occur, monitoring social media will have little effect anyway.

We all have embarrassing photos that we want to be limited to ourselves and our friends. Giving teachers access is deemed as an invasion of our personal information. From your address, your phone number, to the small things like your hobbies. If that knowledge fell into the hands of wrong people, they have you playing at their palm. Making you under their control. Who knows whether or not the school has some unjust people who are willing to reveal your information of a wad of cash. To avoid a leak of private information and photos, schools should not have the right to gain access to the social media accounts of students.

Bullying, can it really be avoided if social media of students are monitored? Any smart bully would avoid cyber bullying on common social media apps. Not only that, the inability to bully people online can quickly turn physical. With chances of causing more damage than there originally would have been. To make sure cyber bullying doesn't turn physical and because monitoring social media won't be of much help either, schools should not be able to see the accounts of students.

It is unequivocally evident that giving schools access to social media accounts will not help prevent cyber bullying. Should a school request access, it should be unarguably denied.

I did this with @Jonodabeast and @Vrushank and @H.Dinnez at school i am also aware that I overused some words and this essay was a bit chunky. THANK YOU FOR READING AND HAVE A GOOD LONG WEEKEND !!!

[jz27]

GUYS NEW TOPIC
 I NEVER WANTED TO BE A SUPERHERO UNTIL ONE DAY.......

[pro(crastinator)]

Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals.

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern.

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.

[zhen]

Should Social Media Accounts Be Monitored By Schools In The Name Of Cyber Bullying?

Social media is used everyday very frequently by many students around the world. Social media can be the beginning of bullying and therefore must be monitored by schools. Schools should be allowed to monitor students social media accounts as schools can prevent cyber bullying as well as make sure it is used appropriately.
 
Schools can prevent cyber bullying from occurring if social media is monitored. Everyday several hundreds of people around the world suffer from cyber bullying over social media. Social media is extremely easy to access and use and so bullies find it perfect for bullying for pleasure as well as so they can remain anonymous. Schools must monitor social media accounts in order to prevent cyber bullying.

In addition, schools must be allowed to access social media accounts to prevent inappropriate posting. A key way for bullies to bully online is by posting inappropriate images or words in which can discomfort the bullies victim. However if schools were to regularly check these accounts then cyber bullying would not start as often. Schools must monitor students social media to prevent bullying.

It is commonly argued that social media can contain private images in which people may not want their school to view. Schools must monitor these accounts as this can stop cyber bullying. What could people possibly post that the school would care about unless it's inappropriate? Social media must be monitored by schools.

Overall, schools must monitor social media accounts. Schools have the power to prevent the posting of inappropriate things which may lead to cyber bullying. Cyber bullying must be stopped and if schools check these accounts, it would not be as frequent. Schools must be able to monitor students social media accounts in the name of cyber bullying!

P.s Please Give Back ALL The Constructive Criticism You Can Throw At Me And I Do Realise I Have Used Monitor Way Too Much In This.  

I feel like this essay is just repeating the same argument for all 3 body paragraphs. Since it's all about cyber bullying. I feel like to make this essay better the different paragraphs should have different arguments.

[12345D]

Topic: The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

His eyes stared at the ground. They just stared, not wanting to look up. He was too afraid to look at the world again and how easily it had moved on without her.

Stop, he thought. Stop being a baby! She died. Forget. Why can’t you forget?

He broke into a convulsive sob. He felt defenceless. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her.

Instantly, memories flooded into his mind. Memories of her. The way she laughed and the way she smiled. Those regrets will haunt him forever.
He remembers the blood dripping down her face and her cries for help. Her screams are still deafening to his ears. He just stood there watching, afraid of what would happen if he helped her.

Run, he remembers telling himself. Run! Never return.

Due to his timid, helpless nature, he ran. He did not look back. He ran and ran, knowing that this instance would haunt him forever. One day he would look back and his heart would thud out of hatred for himself. At that moment he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

This was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. It would really much be appreciated if feedback was given as soon as possible. thank you.

[zhen]

Schools want to be allowed to check and monitor the social media accounts of students in the name of cyber bullying, but all it is is a chance for dishonest teachers to stalk students. Really bold and probably controversial argument here, which if you don't do well can come off badly Social media accounts contain things that are confidential to students, and maybe their cohort of friends. Should cyber bullying ever occur, monitoring social media will have little effect anyway.

We all have embarrassing photos that we want to be limited to ourselves and our friends. Giving teachers access is deemed as an invasion of our personal information. From your address, your phone number, to the small things like your hobbies. If that knowledge fell into the hands of wrong people, they have you playing at their palm. Gets a bit informal here in terms of expression. In my opinion try to avoid using you in persuasive essays Making you under their control. Who knows whether or not the school has some unjust people who are willing to reveal your information of a wad of cash. Expression isn't optimal here. Especially the word "wad", which sounds off To avoid a leak of private information and photos, schools should not have the right to gain access to the social media accounts of students.
Valid argument with some good points here

Bullying, can I think Can bullying be avoided flows much better than this it really be avoided if social media of students are monitored? Any smart bully would avoid cyber bullying on common social media apps. A bit nitpicky but this is a good thing, since it would massively limit the amount of people the bully can target. I don't think many people access these less common social media sites, because they are less common. So this point isn't really valid in my opinion. Not only that, the inability to bully people online can quickly turn physical. With chances of causing more damage than there originally would have been. To make sure cyber bullying doesn't turn physical and because monitoring social media won't be of much help either, schools should not be able to see the accounts of students. Better point here. But in my opinion it's a bit based too much on assumptions and hypothetical situations which may or may not happen

It is unequivocally evident that giving schools access to social media accounts will not help prevent cyber bullying. Should a school request access, it should be unarguably denied.

I did this with @Jonodabeast and @Vrushank and @H.Dinnez at school i am also aware that I overused some words and this essay was a bit chunky. THANK YOU FOR READING AND HAVE A GOOD LONG WEEKEND !!!

It was a decent essay overall. Good luck for your selective school exam. 

[pro(crastinator)]

Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals.

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern.

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.

[jz27]

THX VOUCH

[patriciarose]

Topic: The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

His eyes stared at the ground. They just stared, yeah, okay, you need more than this. if you want to emphasise that they were just staring, that's all good but i'm going to need more than just a simple repetition and the addition of 'just.' give me an adjective to spice it up! they stared vacantly, unfocused. they stared, haunted (by a memory or just haunted, depends on how Dramatic you happen to be feeling ahaha). they stared, unblinking to the point of pain, as if to protect against the memories. i'm getting more and more hollywood-esque oops but the point stands. adjectives show that you know vocabulary and are able to exercise it skillfully (sidenote: but please god do not put an adjective in front of every noun because that is the opposite extreme and i am not advocating for that). not wanting to look up. He was too afraid to look at the world again and how easily it had moved on without her. niiiiice sentence.

Stop, he thought. Stop being a baby! She died. Forget. Why can’t you forget? this also really appeals to me, and not just because all those adjectives got me into a hollywood mood because it's very emotive. i can feel he's in agony over this girl and that is so much better than you telling me. good job.

He broke into a convulsive sob. also very nice.He felt defenceless. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her. okay so idk if i've marked one of these for you before but if i haven't, i really really have a thing about a lot of short sentences in a row when there is no stylistic need for them to be that way. the last three would be great if you hadn't just had the first two, because idk if this makes sense, but when i read this paragraph, by the end it's very monotonous. this happened. then this happened. i am still very sad. but hey nobody can tell. that is because everything sounds like this. they're maths textbook sentences: i don't really know what you're saying in the same way i would if you said it differently, because the style is switching me off instinctively. (also, for the record, the reason i know that's a problem is because whenever i mention this, i have had to reread the paragraph more than twice.) instead, a couple of commas and ands could link two of them together, especially the first two, and that would benefit the last three because that way you have ~a flow.~ i'm not saying every sentence must be long and convoluted because that's just as bad. but "Feeling defenceless (and alone? idk), he broke into a convulsive (, violent?) sob. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her." a sentence like 'he felt defenceless' is only really effective when it's not one of several quick sentences, otherwise the emotion in it is over too quickly for me to cling onto it. bit of a messy explanation, but if that makes no sense, let me know and i'll clarify, sorry. 

Instantly, memories flooded into his mind. Memories of her. The way she laughed and the way she smiled. Those regrets will haunt him forever.

He remembers the blood dripping down her face and her hit me with an adjective again. ear piercing, desperate, haunting. i already care quite a bit, but i could care more. i wouldn't have added this if you'd had an adjective in front of blood,
 but you don't so i'd like one here. cries for help. Her screams are still deafening to his ears. He just stood there watching, afraid of what would happen if he helped her. that's what i meant before about lengths of sentences. the deafening sentence is so much better because the one after it (and to an extent the one before it too) is longer. it hits harder.

Run, he remembers telling himself. Run! Never return. ooh i like the thoughts thing you've got going on here.

Due to his timid, helpless nature, good. he ran. He did not look back. even better.He ran and ran, knowing that this instance would haunt him forever. One day he would look back and his heart would thud out of hatred the lit nerd in me is loving this paragraph. for himself. At that moment he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life.
not sure if that's too obvious a link to the prompt, um. never done a selective school test and i don't know if they'd object: it's a very blatant link. not that that's necessarily bad! i like the finality with which it closes out your piece, my only issue would be if you try to tie all your prompts into your narratives like this, because i don't think they'd all fit like this one. but i'm marking this and it works just fine, so. good job.

this was really enjoyable to read! my only criticism is length, really, and that's primarily because the others i've read on here have been longer. to do that here, i'd have probably added a few more memories of her: you can describe a heck of a lot more than the way she smiled and looked. tell me how she'd never let him forget the times he embarrassed himself tripping over his words, or how she melted every time she saw a dog. heck, tell me about the way her skirt looked billowing in the breeze that one time. i don't care. the more you give us to miss, the more the abandonment hurts, and the cool thing about memories is that literally anything can be one, so go wild* (*disclaimer: not too wild. quick things. no life story. you don't have time for a life story and also it'd get messy). so, yeah, length, and also i'd like to say with the sentence thing i brought up a couple times: i mostly only put that in when i have no other criticism, so please don't stress it, it's just a mention in case you happen to notice you've put five short sentences in a row and have the opportunity to add a lengthier one in. it's much better to finish a piece with every sentence approx. five words than write two amazing sentence, haha. this was really good, hopefully i didn't mark it too harshly (if i didn't complain about a line, that generally means i liked it haha) and good luck with the test! (:

edit: holy heck i wrote you an essay in the middle of that. sorry haha. the later it gets, the more verbose i get. my bad. tl/dr for it: five short sentences generally look better as one long sentence and three short ones.  (:

This was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. It would really much be appreciated if feedback was given as soon as possible. thank you.

note: procrastinator, i know yours hasn't been marked and i'm not trying to skip over it, just getting to the narratives first because i'm better at them – had a go at marking yours but i didn't have enough to say, so hopefully someone else will be able to give you helpful feedback on persuasives. there's no point in me just saying 'this is good' and correcting grammar. (:

[zhen]

Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly Badly isn't the best word to use. Something like drastically or maybe even greatly would sound better affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals. The transition between this sentence and the previous sentence doesn't flow well. Overall decent introduction

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Instead of this why don't you say something like serving healthy food will assist in stopping these bad habits. This related more directly to the topic and is more persuasive. Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Expression could be better. Something like serving healthy food reduces student's exposure to unhealthy food would be better in my opinion Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern. Ok body paragraph

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. In my opinion being more direct would be better. Something like serving healthy meals at school will reduce the rate of child obesity would be better in my opinion Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things. Feel like you should talk about how a healthy diet and healthy food at school prevents obesity a bit more, since it isn't mentioned much. Instead you list the side effects of obesity, which is good, but you need to link it to your case a bit more.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.

Overall decent essay. Keep up the good work and good luck for your entrance exam. 

[hegihugo]

Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the North you see; he had been selected when he was young, as gifted and was spoon-fed until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same, when I was 5, I was chosen; and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. I had the same teacher; Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. One day something unusual happend my normal tutor wan't there instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. At first it was a normal day, but at exactly 12:00pm he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested me. I missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched in my soul. What could I do?


TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?