Just echoing a thought I had earlier...For me, loving myself was a journey of realising the things that I enjoy about myself, or pride myself on, was something I no longer needed validation for. The parts I like most about myself (and let's share them, for the purpose of promoting self love...I like most my talkativeness, and my passion, and desire to always defend the people I admire/defend myself, and curiousness), used to be things that ex-partners "put up with" and instead they'd like the easier-to-like parts of me, like I suppose being pleasant on queue, clever, and occasionally funny. So I got used to certain parts of me as being disagreeable, and probably a "tolerable" feature, and then I realised over some time that I didn't need to be confirmed by anyone, and instead I chose what my best qualities were, without needing anyone else to tell me. Of course some people mightn't agree they are my best qualities, but to me they are, and that's when I realised I loved myself.
What I said earlier was that I struggle to know myself. I spend the most time in my head - so why is it so difficult? I suppose part of it is that I can't match physicality with psych because I don't have the outer body benefit. And that's when someone who loves me, can help, because they are attracted to something within me and they see the way it manifests outside of me, so they try to understand themselves what it is that is about me that they like, they try to understand me, to know me. And I know this because (the amazing book I read said so but also because) I do the same in people I love - I try to understand them, to know them. So it comes back to something I said earlier - where maybe I don't need to know myself completely before letting someone else in. I could think "how can they say they love me when they don't even know me - I DON'T EVEN KNOW ME" or I could accept they might know pieces of me I'm yet to uncover, and they could help me put my own puzzle together.
For sure. It's these idiosyncrasies within each individual that make us attractive. It's what irritates me about the desperate modern strive for perfection. It's these quirks that make one so attractive in my opinion. They are not flaws, they simply seperate us from each other. If the significant other exhibits genuine delusions (flaws) I will do my best to serve them and help them rid of such delusions.
Most of us seek to be validated because of our lacking self respect. I see the desire for attention and validation of the extrinsic as a defence mechanism of the human psyche as a way of artificially boosting one's ego, at times recognition is necessary but when one cannot feel self worth without it then delusions exist. One will know when one does something genuinely good, there requires no validation for that. If you are at that point you as Elyse said, should love yourself. Love is a journey of both recognising and accepting each others idiosyncrasies and a will to serve each other to make them the best they can be.
I think something people often overlook today is how one feels in a relationship. A friend of mine found herself attracted to male. From the beginning I could sense that it was a love based on the extrinsic. After going on 3 dates together, I decided I would talk to her and ask about what she found attractive in the guy. He was :" Cute, Rich, Western, Good School" and that was it. She had wanted to pursue a relationship with this person. I then asked her how he made her feel, :" Inferior, unloved, neglected, used".
It's a cultural artefact. She wanted to engage in a relationship with him because SHE would be desired by others because she could get that kind of guy, and through that she would be able to attain a "better" man. It's so often we seek to be in a relationship with the goal of being validated extrinsically. There is no concept of true "love", a desire to serve the other. Love them for their character. It get's at her own inferiority complex as well, that she thinks she cannot be seen as valuable unless she is with a "perfect" guy. Ah the wonders of the human psyche. I will understand you one day!
In response to your second paragraph Elyse, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be in a relationship if one feels that they don't know themselves properly. It's all part of the process of being "in love", your significant other will teach, recognise and cultivate your traits. They are there to serve you, to help you uncover them. If one can enter a relationship with that concept in mind then I believe it will lead to greater success. Yes you need to understand and get to know somebody. In fact I think it's crucial that one is close with the other before committing but one cannot let that hesitancy you described put themselves out of the relationship. It only perpetuates insecurities, that one must be "perfect" before entering in a relationship.
What do you all think about the concept of
unconditional love? How should it apply?
Apologies for not articulating myself well, Trials have made me a mess and I should be studying now )-:
Side note: I'm halfway through Essays in love. GO GET IT! Surely Elyse has convinced you all already
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