Haven't posted here in AGES, so I'll give you guys an update.
So, I've graduated - as of Thursday, the 27th September. It came far, far too soon. It's honestly the most surreal experience - I still can't come to terms with the fact that I've left behind all the teachers that have, with their support, mentorship and expertise, helped me persevere through some of the hardest times of my life ever. I was especially saddened, that I wasn't able to have a proper conversation with my Year 11 English Advanced & Ext teacher (that I've mentioned on here multiple times) - one of the most influential figures in my life - before I graduated. She was absent from school on Wednesday, and so I was hoping she would appear at formal, but she wasn't there (which is fair enough I suppose - considering she no longer takes any year 12 classes). For academically inclined students like me, I feel like graduating is so normalised that it's no longer an achievement, if that makes sense. All my teachers now, they obviously congratulate me, but at the same time, I know they expect it - because they've only really seen me at the best, which is, the results of my perseverance when I'm not in the school environment. The whole year, I spoke to my mentor about how stressed I was for this exam and that exam, and she would always reassure me, because I had already established a precedent of getting 90+ in every assessment for that subject. And it's tough to conceal the truth, that it's not just about the numbers. It's about never getting any fucking sleep, living on Centrelink payouts, worrying about overstaying my welcome at friends' houses, always being that friend that relies on the kindness of others, being the one addicted to x substance, constantly hustling to get by. It's about knowing that dropping out would make life so much less mentally exhausting, but not wanting to be a product of my own circumstances. Instead, wanting to persevere and revel in the joys of the present, even when it seemed at odds with the state of the world. It's so easy for people to judge, and especially trivialise, with their preconceived beliefs, when they haven't seen this hell. It's fucking hard. The amount of mental energy I've expended into the HSC to ensure I don't end up dead somehow, is insurmountable. To graduate without anyone there to watch, whilst my friends had grandmothers coming from the Blue Mountains to specifically cheer them on, is something that I've grown accustomed to over the years. And it sucks. But the whole time, I knew that this teacher was watching over me, that she would've been so proud of me for not only making it to graduation, but to have done so in the top 5 for all my subjects. I so badly wanted to just go up to her and be like "I FUCKING DID IT" AHAHA. I guess I'll just work my ass off to make it to the high achievers assembly, and do it then because I suppose, in a way, it's too early to tell right now. I'm so lucky to have had amazing people surround me in school, who, although were never conscious of this fact, always had my back. In such situations, you get to a point where you pretend to be happy, and ultimately trick yourself into thinking you really are. That was me in school, almost always. And I couldn't be more thankful for it. It's seriously a miracle that I made it out alive. God, I hate being vulnerable/sentimental like this, but since this will probably be one of the last ever posts on this journal before the four weeks of hell are upon us, I suppose I may as well be.
My overall internal ranks were;
English Advanced - 3/35
General Maths - 5/54
Legal Studies - 3/30
Economics - 3/18
Industrial Technology Multimedia - 1/18
So, overall, I'm in a decent position leading into the HSC. But omg. I have not been studying anywhere near as much I should be - I legit felt way more prepared for trials, which is not a good thing. Obviously, after trials, I was no longer as bound to my stringent study regimen as I used to be, so I let loose a bit lol - perhaps a bit too much, considering I haven't had a sober weekend since trials until today HAHAHA. Everyone's turning 18, so I mean, what can you do? ahaha. I'm pretty sure this has relegated my ATAR from a 95 ish to like 89 ahahaha but whatever, I'm not as fussed about it as I used to be. I just want these next 30 days to go by as fast as possible honestly. I've been doing atleast 5 hours study per day, which is okay, but I definitely am not being as productive as I want to be. I've done SOOO many practice essays for English so I feel prepared for that, but nothing else really ahahaha
Wishing everyone all the best in their studies! x
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Topic: Tempestuously cruising through the HSC (Read 102243 times)