So my year probably isn't 'changed for the better' story, it's been a tough one. The last two years since finishing high school has been really difficult, coming into adulthood, trying to figure out who I am, perhaps realising that maybe what happened isn't just the past, but actually all I actually know, so ingrained that it is pretty much your identity (not being able to love or be loved, abusive relationships, perpetual depression etc.). Before that, I guess my high school did a good job into making my think that all my issues were as a result of VCE anxiety. I did expect this year to be better since last year was the year I came to various realisations, and this one to be about growth. Since this didn't seem to happen, I wonder whether I would ever get closer to feeling myself, being ok with being who I am (I grew up not being able to accept, to loved or be loved), finding out the person I am or whether I'll actually get better.
So I've sought help late 2 months ago for the first time since the traumatic counselling experience was when I was brought to crisis point when I was on the verge of failing uni (like really, I couldn't get extensions), contemplated going on drugs, drank a bit too much at times, watching an old friend (from my old high school, when I was going through a tough time and there were unfortunately some people who were dealing drugs or on drugs who I befriended) dying from a drug overdose and not really knowing how to feel (I was their life being taken away slowly while they were still alive as a drug addict) and I was sexually harassed by a paid staff at a place I volunteered at for a span of three months, everyday I was there (even after I told him that I had past experiences from a parent that I have not recovered from, almost everyone in the place saw it and supported and encouraged his actions). It took all of this for me to finally approach a health professional after that experience when I was 12. I got a mental health plan, but unfortunately I got a psychologist that is also employed by the Victorian Police when she is not at Headspace (I have past experiences with the police and I just didn't feel comfortable around her after two sessions where she was interrogating me about legal details that the school, police nor counsellor explained to me because I was 12-13 years old at the time) so I'm trying to find another one. The GP is trying to put me into psychiatric care, threatening to call the police and my mum, accused him of making appointed to purposely defy him when I was resistant (I told him that past experience with health professional, the stigma around mental illness that I had to grow up with and the difficulty for me to trust having not grown up with relationships based around that made me resistant). Maybe I am also scared of losing the things I have that are good (my housemates, debating, improv theatre, job, internship, university degree) and that once I'm in a place like that, I may be never be able to get out.
This has also the year of saying both yes and no more. Yes, when an interesting opportunity arises, like I trialled for all the debating majors (and when to all of them except for the upcoming Worlds, because ticket prices for Mexico are too expensive which won't be able to be covered by sponsorship), attended management consulting training sessions by a top-tier firm, took up a scholarship for an online data science mini-masters subject sequence at a great university, did research assistant work at neuroscience labs, took up a full improv theatre scholarship at an amazing theatre company, went out to get more journalism experience (did a few month long internship at The Economist earlier this year and am soon to be starting one at Aeon until the end of summer). I learnt to say no more, when things weren't fulfilling for me, and detracted from the things that were, namely a lot of volunteering opportunities, because wanted to find ones that were innovative, not stock-standed (and when charities work in silo, doing similar things preventing them from achieving meaningful results) and that I was passionate about. Six months ago, I started volunteering at for an violence organisation that does things I'm really passionate about. They approach intimate relationship violence in the most holistic sense, they have a large focus on LGBT communities and relationship-nt only heterosexual ones, to not only women but also men (although it is informed by feminist perspectives). They do a great job at blending principles frameworks of violence (they also build them them) with practical outcomes and ways to support people. Their work is informed by socio-economic and people of colour frameworks since the organisation is mainly based in the western suburbs. I've facilitated workshops to a wide range of organisations and people- social work and psychology uni students, organisations that do front-line domestic violence support work and mentors youth that spend time in juvenile, sex education workshops to school kids. I have a better understanding of people, like sometimes when people victim blame especially young boys, the victim that they are blaming are themselves. Even though I haven't been there for long, I've got the opportunity to be involved in content and workshop development. It's the organisation where if you have an idea, you can discuss it, they are always trying to learn and be better. The empathy of the people I volunteer with is awe-inspiring.
I (hopefully) became less arrogant/elitist (something I probably picked up from going to a selective school and doing uni debating). I started mainly thinking about this after the 2016 American elections late last year. After seeing the disenfranchisement of many people, the criticism of the establishment/progressives/liberals and the celebration of climbing up the social/economic ladder by the left. While some of those may have been excuses to hide voters' racist/sexist tendencies, I do think there is some truth in it. When holding progressive views were seen as a way to create divides between the 'educated' and those that were less fortunate, when they should simply be seen as a view that achieves more fairness. When education was associated with elitism and used as a means to discriminate people on the basis of 'intellect'. Education should be seen as a way of allowing us to make the world a better place, to emphatise and think of the less fortunate who aren't able to access the same opportunities. I feel like a nicer person and less weighed down (from not having to compare myself to others) from all of this.
I found Anthropology at uni, it seems like everything I've been looking for. Being able to explore complex and important issues such as social inequality, gender, technology, public health, migration, religion, human rights, climate change, and globalisation from an observation based on lived experience and cross-cultural perspective. It would complement medicine really well, since medical anthropology is a really big field. I'm strongly considering doing a masters in anthropology overseas if I get a scholarship, before medicine.
Here is to a better 2018. Hopefully one of learning new things, becoming better people, being happier, making meaningful relationships,and taking up cool opportunities
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