Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[rakshanaraj06]

Hi Zhen,

Here is a piece I wrote a few months ago
I would love your feedback

Prompt: Imagine that you’ve finally achieved something that meant a lot to you.
Write a story/narrative exploring this idea. Your piece must be CREATIVE.



Plan:
What was acheieved- My first medal in badminton. 2nd place in the western suburbs
-Started playing
-Became a regular activity and joined a class
-Got a wonderful coach
-Started to learn tips and tricks
-Began winning alot of trophies within the club
-Started doing tournaments competing against other players across victoria
-finally came second place.

Begin:

The noise of applause surrounded me as I walked proudly towards the stage to collect my medal. An extremely shiny medal was placed around my neck and my team was gleaming with excitement. This lifelong passion for badminton began when I was around the age of 5. I had gone with my dad and a few of his colleagues to have some games of badminton. The frustration the kept coming when my tiny hands would miss the shuttle is absolutely unexplainable. Tears started to fill my eyes and I decided to just give up and go play a game on my dad's phone.

Although, with all the frustration and annoyance I felt, I held my racket with my right arm and swung so hard that the shuttle made it across the net and went so high that it could almost reach the sky. I couldn't believe myself. As a 5 year old and this being the first time i've ever heard of badminton, even getting the shuttle across the net is a huge accomplishment. That is how my passion and determination for badminton developed. My parents could see that I was determined and they immediately joined me in a local badminton club. Fortunately, I was blessed with a wonderful coach who himself, participated in the Olympics representing Australia. Throughout the years, many friends came amongst me.

The first competition that was ever ran by my badminton club was when I was 8 and I wasn't allowed to participate, reason being that I was too young. I was so upset and when I got home I cried and cried and cried to my mum. My mum however comforted me and uttered these wise words that "little steps lead to big achievements". Thy far I am very grateful that I believed those words or else my dreams of ever winning a state tournament would have been abolished.

After 2 years, I was at the age of 10 and I could finally participate in the competition. My coach was shocked to see how well I had improved and how focused I was in the game. No matter how many points I lost, I would always smile and think to myself and recite "you can do it, just a few points won't matter, bring back your game girl". I had won the game and was awarded a gold trophy that had my name emplated on it. That was my first ever win and ever since then I have only taken the positive feedback from my team mates and coach. Thinking about all the rough times and the filthy looks on people when I would miss an easy shot made me glad that I blocked all the negative energy from my life and just concentrated on my game.

"Sarah, you can go stand beside your coach to take a quick photograph" a lady with broad shoulders whispered while knocking me back into reality. I smiled and stood firmly next to my coach. He looked as happy as a butterfly. My parents then approached me and gave me a warm hug. "We knew you could do it Sarah, oh god we are so proud to have you as our daughter sweety". There it was. Those golden words I had waited so long for

[rakshanaraj06]

yes, i completely agree with you. I am however starting to show and not tell in my stories which might help me improve.
Thank you for taking time to read my essay

[rakshanaraj06]

Here is another creative essay I wrote yesterday
I had actually written this on paper so maybe thats why the paragraphs are small. Idk.
Hope it is better

Prompt: Walking can be a very enriching experience. Describe your feelings and thoughts as you ventured for a late evening walk.

Before I knew it, I was far from my mini apartment filled with rusty floorboards. The time wass 5pm, the perfect section of the day to take a relaxing walk and excrete the bottles of stress stored in our bodies.

As I looked towards my left, I was astounded by the edifices lined amongst eachother. Grand chandeliers made them glisten in sparkles. Further down the street a beguile garden appeared in my sight. A beautifully designed white fence was the surrounding the border. Irresistibly, I pushed the gate open and was left in awe.

The grassland represented an emerald ocean and the scent in the air left me mesmerised. Noticing the texture of leaves followed by its branches then connecting to their assorted, unique roots made me realise how beautiful nature is. The ripples created by the birds sipping from the beautifully engraved bird baths created symphony in my ears.

As many minutes flew past, the sun began to prepare itself for a luxurious sleep. I too began to head home, before nature's night creatures began their day. Taking a stroll through the streets always rejuvenates my mind, although today it brought me a different way of comfort. What better way of relaxation is there then admiring the natural items of nature?

thank you
I feel like this is an alright essay.   

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hey everyone, gonna upload an essay which I wrote yesterday with 10 MINUTES planning and 30 MINUTES writing. I was going to add more description in my last paragraph but had like 1 minute left.
Topic:it’s a picture of a train collapsed/crashed.

Instant memories rushed to my mind as I see the train bolt past the train station. I never knew that the most happiest day of my life would turn out to be horrifying instead. It was when I was desperately waiting for the 10:03am train from London to Yorkshire, to have an interview of my dream job. I also wanted to settle in the beautiful city of Yorkshire.

The heat was piercing my sweatshirt as I was staring at my watch for the train to come. The train decided to arrive after five minutes and I dashed into it, unaware of the terrifying journey ahead. I sat at the front of the train, next to the train driver who was short and bold, with a great sense of humour. The sweet savoury aroma wafted through the freezing train as I tightened my collar and shoved my hands deep down my pocket. The view in front of me was a window showing the train track, a sight I had never seen before. My bottom relaxed on the luxourious seat as the engine started and I spent my last moments in London.

Suddenly, a phone call interupted the talk between the train driver and I. The train driver picked up the phone on speaker and I also tuned in to hear the conversation between the train driver and the guy speaking on the phone.
“Your engine is open and your oil is spilling”, yelled the guy on the phone.
The train driver took a glimpse of the engine from the mirror and the oil was indeed spilling. I shivered, mumbling words such as ‘nothing would happen’ to myself. I nearly collapsed to the floor from shock as the train driver cut the phone and made an announcement that the oil from the train engine is spilling.

Everyone got out of their seat and started to panic, it was total chaos. Everyone, except one man. He was really sensible and did not panic at all as he tried to figure out a plan. He suddenly grabbed the emergency hammer and broke the window. He was luckily close to the engine and he put the engine lid back on. I was also near an emergency hammer and tried to comprehend the situation. Hastily, I bust out by breaking the window assuming that there still would not have been enough oil to take us to Yorkshire.

As I landed on the floor, I felt a snap from my ankle. I heard distant voices that there was enough oil for the train to go to Yorkshire. I should have stayed on the train. Instantly, another train bolted towards the London to Yorkshire train. Since I was dizzy, I thought I was dreaming, but a reality check brushed my face as I heard a loud crash from a kilometre away.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Hey everyone, gonna upload an essay which I wrote yesterday with 10 MINUTES planning and 30 MINUTES writing. I was going to add more description in my last paragraph but had like 1 minute left.
Topic:it’s a picture of a train collapsed/crashed.

Instant memories rushed to my mind as I see the train bolt past the train station. I never knew that the most happiest day of my life would turn out to be horrifying instead. It was when I was desperately waiting for the 10:03am train from London to Yorkshire, to have an interview of my dream job. I also wanted to settle in the beautiful city of Yorkshire.

The heat was piercing my sweatshirt as I was staring at my watch for the train to come. The train decided to arrive after five minutes and I dashed into it, unaware of the terrifying journey ahead. I sat at the front of the train, next to the train driver who was short and bold, with a great sense of humour. The sweet savoury aroma wafted through the freezing train as I tightened my collar and shoved my hands deep down my pocket. The view in front of me was a window showing the train track, a sight I had never seen before. My bottom relaxed on the luxourious seat as the engine started and I spent my last moments in London.

Suddenly, a phone call interupted the talk between the train driver and I. The train driver picked up the phone on speaker and I also tuned in to hear the conversation between the train driver and the guy speaking on the phone.
“Your engine is open and your oil is spilling”, yelled the guy on the phone.
The train driver took a glimpse of the engine from the mirror and the oil was indeed spilling. I shivered, mumbling words such as ‘nothing would happen’ to myself. I nearly collapsed to the floor from shock as the train driver cut the phone and made an announcement that the oil from the train engine is spilling.

Everyone got out of their seat and started to panic, it was total chaos. Everyone, except one man. He was really sensible and did not panic at all as he tried to figure out a plan. He suddenly grabbed the emergency hammer and broke the window. He was luckily close to the engine and he put the engine lid back on. I was also near an emergency hammer and tried to comprehend the situation. Hastily, I bust out by breaking the window assuming that there still would not have been enough oil to take us to Yorkshire.

As I landed on the floor, I felt a snap from my ankle. I heard distant voices that there was enough oil for the train to go to Yorkshire. I should have stayed on the train. Instantly, another train bolted towards the London to Yorkshire train. Since I was dizzy, I thought I was dreaming, but a reality check brushed my face as I heard a loud crash from a kilometre away.

And, since it’s 30 minutes, is it better to start with an intro then problem or straight away with a problem?

[aspiringantelope]

And, since it’s 30 minutes, is it better to start with an intro then problem or straight away with a problem?

Sorry that I cannot read your essay as it is pretty late, however, I would recommend you always start an essay with an introduction to give viewers information about what you will be writing about. They will be surprised if you started to elaborate about a problem without introducing it.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Sorry that I cannot read your essay as it is pretty late, however, I would recommend you always start an essay with an introduction to give viewers information about what you will be writing about. They will be surprised if you started to elaborate about a problem without introducing it.

Ok, thanks!!

[rakshanaraj06]

Thank you
I will write a story on that prompt asap:)

[Louis23]

Can someone please mark this it would be well appreciated.


Should students be allowed to have phones in high schools?


In the modern era it is common for adults to have a phone, children as young as 8 years of age own one. Phones can be usually used as a way to communicate to others but it can be also used in classrooms effectively. I strongly believe that all students should be allowed to bring mobile phones to class in high school because it can be a great source to improve students academically. Phones were first made to talk to each other and they still can, students can use their phones to talk to their parents in times of struggles or emergency.

First and foremost, implementing this rule will help students benefit for educational purposes. iPod and phones these days pretty much replace calculators. We are living in the 21 century people. People have to recognize the fact that we are getting more into technology and getting rid of pen and paper. Electronics are taking over our lives into  another level, in fact they are a big part of our lives already and we can’t stop it. Students can get handy learning apps from the app store which takes learning up another notch. There are many educational apps available in a wide range of subjects for all kinds of learners.

In addition to this, students get to be in touch with their parents. Being allowed to bring phones to class will allow students to call their parents whenever they want. They can call their parents if, after school plans may change, if there was something wrong at school or if the student didn’t bring his/her assignment or homework to class, they can call their parents and tell them to drop it off. In times of emergency such as bomb threats etc., students can talk to their worried parents.

However on the other hand many argue that most kids are addicted to social media and introducing phones to class should not even be considered. This may be the case for some, however considering all things, do you want your kids to embrace in the learning apps and the benefits of using an electronic device or do you want to carry on complaining about your kids getting addicted to social media? Therefore I strongly believe that students should be allowed to bring phones to class.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that students in high school have the complete authority to bring mobile phone devices to classes because it  brings many positive outcomes in the classrooms such as being able to use learning apps to further student’s learning to another notch. Furthermore, it allows students to keep in touch with their family in times of emergency. This is a serious matter which should be taken into consideration by every high school in Australia. There’s  really only positive outcomes of this topic so what does  schools have  to lose to give it a shot, it would be absurd knowing all the benefits of this and not giving it a shot.

[Edi2099]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum

Just wondering if anyone is happy to mark my creative piece for the selective entry exam (year 9 entry next year).

Images were of ice cream truck, angry dog and a kennel (This was all done in 10 minutes planning and 30 minutes writing).




It was a flaming hot summers day as Sam sat on his favourite rocker. Amazed at the dancing clouds and spectacular birds, nothing could possibly be more beautiful than this.

Sam's dog, Ruffles, is a very kind and well-trained dog. Ruffles has a pet hate for squirrels, and in return, they do not like him that much either.

"Come here Ruffles," Sam ordered. "Look at this beautiful view."
"Spectacular." Sam thought, as he watched the birds form a variety of formations.

Suddenly, nuts were being hurled from the tree. One by one, the nuts clipped both Sam and Ruffles on their heads. Infuriated, Ruffles charged at the tree SNAP! As the necklace around Ruffles shattered to the ground. He then terrorised the squirrels, until a rather happy and familiar tune caught all of their attention. They all watched as the vibrantly coloured van parked on the left side of their road. Sam instantly dashed inside, scavenging for spare change.

The jolly driver walked out of the car to find a furious, viscous dog without a name tag.The driver started tapping his phone and dialled a number, in a heartbeat the van along with Ruffles both disappeared.

Sam walked outside with money falling out of his pockets, eager to purchase a plethora of snacks and treats. But, he was shocked to see that the van had already taken off. "Oh well," Sam realised. "There is always next time." As he loaded his pockets back up. Soon after, Sam realised something strange. No barking, no squirrels throwing pine nuts and no Ruffles. "Ruffles!" Sam called. "Ruffles!"

Still, no answer. Sam foraged the area looking for clues, he found a chain that had Ruffles name and a 10-digit number which he could easily recognise along with a business card with a locked-up canine. Sam instantly knew where Ruffles had gone to.

"Mother." Sam called. " Can you take me to the Great Dog Kennel?"
"What for?" Mother answered.
"Maybe, we can find a new friend." Sam replied. After a few more convincing points, Sam and his mother drove off to the Great Dog Kennel. Sam avoided talking about Ruffles, as he knew his mother would be infuriated.

When Sam walked inside, he found a happy and familiar dog jumping uncontrollably. "Ruffles!" Sam yelled with excitement. But, Ruffles was still locked and tied to his cage. "Samuel!" Mother cried. "Why didn't you tell me Ruffles was here, we could have done this so much easier." After a long and painful chat with the workers, Ruffles was able to touch the solid earth once more to be a happy, jolly dog.

From here on, Sam gave Ruffles a present to make sure that this would never happen again. "Here you go Ruffles," Sam exclaimed. "This one is made out of gold and has both your name and mine." Even though the squirrels got Ruffles into the kennel, he still wasn't scared to put on a show for Sam to witness. "Same old Ruffles." Sam murmured as he watched Ruffles terrorise the naughty, evil rodents.

[Edi2099]

Hi everyone, is anyone able to take a look at my piece please I'd be so grateful for any feedback at all. Thanks in advance

[GodNifty]

Images were of ice cream truck, angry dog and a kennel (This was all done in 10 minutes planning and 30 minutes writing).

It was a flaming hot summers day as Sam sat on his favourite rocker. Amazed at the dancing clouds and spectacular birds, nothing could possibly be more beautiful than this.

Sam's dog, Ruffles, is a very kind and well-trained dog. Ruffles has a pet hate for squirrels, and in return, they do not like him that much either.

"Come here Ruffles," Sam ordered. "Look at this beautiful view."
"Spectacular." Sam thought, as he watched the birds form a variety of formations.

Suddenly, nuts were being hurled from the tree. One by one, the nuts clipped both Sam and Ruffles on their heads. Infuriated, Ruffles charged at the tree SNAP! As the necklace around Ruffles shattered to the ground. He then terrorised the squirrels, until a rather happy and familiar tune caught all of their attention. They all watched as the vibrantly coloured van parked on the left side of their road. Sam instantly dashed inside, scavenging for spare change.

The jolly driver walked out of the car to find a furious, viscous dog without a name tag.The driver started tapping his phone and dialled a number, in a heartbeat the van along with Ruffles both disappeared.

Sam walked outside with money falling out of his pockets, eager to purchase a plethora of snacks and treats. But, he was shocked to see that the van had already taken off. "Oh well," Sam realised. "There is always next time." As he loaded his pockets back up. Soon after, Sam realised something strange. No barking, no squirrels throwing pine nuts and no Ruffles. "Ruffles!" Sam called. "Ruffles!"

Still, no answer. Sam foraged the area looking for clues, he found a chain that had Ruffles name and a 10-digit number which he could easily recognise along with a business card with a locked-up canine. Sam instantly knew where Ruffles had gone to.

"Mother." Sam called. " Can you take me to the Great Dog Kennel?"
"What for?" Mother answered.
"Maybe, we can find a new friend." Sam replied. After a few more convincing points, Sam and his mother drove off to the Great Dog Kennel. Sam avoided talking about Ruffles, as he knew his mother would be infuriated.

When Sam walked inside, he found a happy and familiar dog jumping uncontrollably. "Ruffles!" Sam yelled with excitement. But, Ruffles was still locked and tied to his cage. "Samuel!" Mother cried. "Why didn't you tell me Ruffles was here, we could have done this so much easier." After a long and painful chat with the workers, Ruffles was able to touch the solid earth once more to be a happy, jolly dog.

From here on, Sam gave Ruffles a present to make sure that this would never happen again. "Here you go Ruffles," Sam exclaimed. "This one is made out of gold and has both your name and mine." Even though the squirrels got Ruffles into the kennel, he still wasn't scared to put on a show for Sam to witness. "Same old Ruffles." Sam murmured as he watched Ruffles terrorise the naughty, evil rodents.

I'm finding it hard to give you feedback on your piece.
- The transition of the story is not very fluid and goes in every direction.
- The beginning of your story isn't really eye-opening so I'd imagine that it would be hard for people to continue reading.
- You also need to work on your grammar
I'm happy to read your persuasive essays

[Edi2099]

I'm finding it hard to give you feedback on your piece.
- The transition of the story is not very fluid and goes in every direction.
- The beginning of your story isn't really eye-opening so I'd imagine that it would be hard for people to continue reading.
- You also need to work on your grammar
I'm happy to read your persuasive essays

Awesome thanks for taking the time to read it

[The Progenitor]

Hi all, long time no see to many. Just been incredibly busy with school and tutor, but I did get enough time to write an essay. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. It has been written straight on computer in a time limit of 35 minutes.
 
PROMPT: She shared the secret, knowing it would change everything.

The crystal-like glass shattered on the cold, cracked ground. Scattering illuminating pieces of sharp shards everywhere. The deep crimson blood of my slain parents leaked towards my old school shoes. I gazed into a shard of the broken glass and vividly saw myself in the reflection. Tonight, we were never going to be the same again.

I looked up, dramatically, yet with a monotone expression on my face. My sister turned to me and finally broke the long, intense silence in the house. Ironically, with something that would break our family apart even more. Her long, beautiful straight hair reflected the moonlight onto her eyes, creating a sparkle of light, she opened her mouth and just barely uttered out of her mouth. “I guess its time to tell the truth”.

My eyes largened, and my small body turned numb, the feeling of sharp needles reached into my heart and pierced it hard, then deflated it like a balloon. “I’ve been an Australian spy for many years and my objective is finally finished, I have no more purpose here.”

She walked out of the room quietly, almost tripping on the clear, crystal glass that laid flat on the ground. I was at a pure loss of words, an emotion between misery and absolute mortification. My body couldn’t support my weight and my legs pulled my body forcefully onto the ground, praying for my slain family members.

My sister. Best friend. Someone to depend on, went past me suddenly and faintly with a large suitcase. The wheels splattering in blood and leaving a trail of murder. We were a group for many years, but now faring ways and passing each other like strangers would on the streets. Like all the memories we had didn’t matter. In a way, she was a stranger to me. She closed the door suddenly and left swiftly, not like the movies, where I get an opportunity to win her back. She just left. Suddenly. Never to be seen again.

[Double UwU]

I wrote this essay in 30 minutes (including planning). I would appreciate any feedback as I'm trying to become as good as I possibly can for the entrance exam.
Stimulus: We should have a 3-day weekend

As employment is essential for a functioning economy, we must find a good balance between work and leisure time in order to satisfy people's needs. A three-day weekend would not only minimize downtime at work, but also help the economy.

Currently, our two days off per week leave us with five working days and 40 hours of work for people with nine-to-five jobs. This is simply too much. Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively. Cutting the two-day break into a three-day one would only solve this problem and noticably boost productivity due to employees becoming accustomed to working time-efficiently since they would have less down-time.

However, a three-day weekend would not only benefit employees; businesses would also feel positive effects. We have Saturday as part of the weekend due to Henry Ford setting a trend to allow working-class people a day off to spend more of the money they had earned. If we allowed another day off, we would most definitely see an increase in recreational shopping, which could lead to a huge economic boost. This effect would be felt by businesses and workers alike.

In conclusion, a three-day weekend would boost economic performance by helping productivity and allowing middle-class citizens to spend more of their earnings.