Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[The Progenitor]

My persuasive essay :-D.I usually write intro 3 paras rebuttal conclusion,but I realised that I have WAY too much grammar errors if I do that,so I wrote 2 paras rebuttal intro conclusion for this one and re read it(in 15 mins).There are still grammar errors sadly.
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed honestly the amount of paragraphs isn't necessarily important, I'd say two paragraphs and a rebuttal is already great for 15 minutes.

In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing.The question that strikes everyone,should mobile devices in class be allowed?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. Concise introduction, introduced arguments, very good. You can introduce the points in the intro or not, but you have to introduce your stance, sometimes in 15 minute essays you want to get your introduction as concise and short as you can so the assessors take that into consideration.

To start off with,children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams.A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class.Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones.This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned. Good first point

In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child. I'd say what this may cause if you have time. If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful.This sentence has nothing to do with your argument on phones running out of batteryThis exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.This is a good linking sentence, try to include your argument in there instead of saying 'this', try saying something like 'phone's running out of battery may cause parents to panic and as such exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.'

Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. I can't really give much feedback on this paragraph as I usually don't disprove the counter-argument, I just acknowledge the fact that this is a yes/no argument. But, the final sentence should clearly put emphasis the relationship between the argument and the topic

To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out. A little short, perfectly understandable if you are out of time though.


First of all, thanks for the feedback on my essay.

Likewise, I am not experienced nor good enough at writing to give too much feedback. There are some grammatical errors inside the text, my personal feedback will be bolded and italicized.

The second argument isn't really explored in enough detail, understandably it is a 15 minute essay. To be honest I'd probably change the second point as I feel like the 'battery running out' is not related with bringing phones to class but more into the first paragraph of playing phones in class. You can try to link paragraph one and two into one bigger argument and turn it into a passive essay, where you have one point for and one point against and try provide a solution in the conclusion. This could make paragraph one say something like 'also, playing phones in class can cause your phone to run out of battery - - -'

Conclusion is a little short, I would probably say 'although it can be argued that phones can be good for studying, they can prove to be distracting and prove to have more negative impacts then positives. As such, we should be aware of the pros and cons that bringing phones to class may cause and respect all opinions that schools have on the matter.'

Sorry if I came off a little harsh, I tried to provide as much constructive criticism as I could.

[GodNifty]

Progenitor, very impressive! I've noticed a few grammatical errors so brush up on those.

Probot, I'll mark your essay later tonight 😀

[ProbotMelbourne]

Thanks NIFTYGod and the Progenitor,much appreciated
Noticed that my battery argument was super weak lol

[ProbotMelbourne]

Sorry I went a little harsh on your essay but there is some serious help you need.
First of all,
for a normal Persuasive Essay, you should acquire at least 3 points (for it or opposing) an introduction and a conclusion.
Conclusion and introduction should be at LEAST 2-3 sentences, one sentence will not do.
You have to think of logical evidence. Saying that "This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams", is particularly weak. Phones cannot be blamed for bad marks in tests, instead, the person themselves.

Just want to give you a tip for commas and full stops.
After you use a  , (comma) or . (full stop), you should put a space after it.
Like: First of all, this ....  work. However
(Note this is only needed for digital devices but for selective exams you should leave a little space after all the fullstops, colon, semicolon, commas, !? etc.

Keep working hard!

Thanks for the constructive feedback!!
Yeah,my points are pretty weak,I feel like I exaggerate way too much on my persuasive essays.
I always do my conclusion 1 sentence since I have like 30 seconds left lol,probably gonna leave extra time for my conclusion from now on.
I never knew that I needed to put gaps between words n commas,interesting.Thanks for informing me.
I’ll probably try to make my essays n reading comp better so I can go fine on the test.

Thanks for marking my essay

[GodNifty]

Ok. This is my take on it

Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed?

In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing proof? source?.The question that strikes everyone is whethershould mobile devices in class be allowed should be allowed during class time?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. ok... true that battery of the phone will easily become dead, but so what? whose fault is it that the battery is dead? not a good point

To start off with, children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media again, where's the proof? is this persuasive piece from personal experience or is there a source?.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams (you sure this is why children fail?).A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class (follow up with this, what punishment is there if students DO bring in their phones either way?).Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones ((example?).This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.

In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful (why will children work 'finer' and why would the atmosphere be more peaceful? elaborate).This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class. so you're pretty much saying that most students use their phones until their battery dies, which is perilous because their parents can't contact them?

Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true (what you said right here means that no matter how you use your phone or any other personal devices, you can never concentrate on your work) as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.Are you sure? I definitely know that with the right music, work can be done.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d if phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. bad wording

To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.
[/quote]

Overall:
To be BRUTALLY honest, I don't think this piece is persuasive at all. The battery argument is not well thought out and your grammar still needs work. Your conclusion is quite weak, you literally just regurgitated the same thing you wrote in your introduction (judging that it is 15 mins, this conclusion is better than nothing I guess)

[ProbotMelbourne]

Ok. This is my take on it

Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed?

In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing proof? source?.The question that strikes everyone is whethershould mobile devices in class be allowed should be allowed during class time?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. ok... true that battery of the phone will easily become dead, but so what? whose fault is it that the battery is dead? not a good point

To start off with, children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media again, where's the proof? is this persuasive piece from personal experience or is there a source?.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams (you sure this is why children fail?).A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class (follow up with this, what punishment is there if students DO bring in their phones either way?).Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones ((example?).This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.

In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful (why will children work 'finer' and why would the atmosphere be more peaceful? elaborate).This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class. so you're pretty much saying that most students use their phones until their battery dies, which is perilous because their parents can't contact them?

Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true (what you said right here means that no matter how you use your phone or any other personal devices, you can never concentrate on your work) as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.Are you sure? I definitely know that with the right music, work can be done.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d if phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. bad wording

To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.


Overall:
To be BRUTALLY honest, I don't think this piece is persuasive at all. The battery argument is not well thought out and your grammar still needs work. Your conclusion is quite weak, you literally just regurgitated the same thing you wrote in your introduction (judging that it is 15 mins, this conclusion is better than nothing I guess)

Thanks for being honest!
Probably gonna need to improve my persuasive ALOT lol!
Btw I have like 20 essays in my book which all have the same 1 sentence conclusion 
My grammar needs to be improved as well,I just write and don’t think lol.
Again,thanks for marking my essay!💪🏻

[ProbotMelbourne]

Ok no worries.
Won't mind marking a few more essays if you get them in by tomorrow or tonight as I am busy the next week.

Alright,thanks for marking my essays!Gonna upload a few more 
Btw,I’ll upload 2 that I did like a few days ago and the last one will be a persuasive I wrote today AFTER yall feedback.

[ProbotMelbourne]

Ok,so this is my creative essay(hopefully better than my persuasive lol)
This is one of the few essays I can find in my book which I wrote in the holidays where the character does NOT die at the end.It’sstill depressing lol
Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.

I finally arrive at the herd of kids, school. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf. As I slowly stagger to the door,I wish if I wore my mask.Just when I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence.

As I drift past many kids, each one of them tried to avoid me.Suddenly,one girl accidently touches me and she screamed from the top of her lungs. Everyone just seemed to stare with astonishment,because of how stupid the girl was even to accidently touch me.

Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops.

I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”.

“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher.
No one still moves.

I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds.

If only, I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.

[GodNifty]

Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.

I finally arrive at the herd of kidsherd usually refers to animals, school very confusing. if you arrived at school then why was the 'herd of kids' bit necessary?. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf (nice!). As I slowly stagger to the door (what door? be specific),I wish if I wore my mask I wish I had worn a mask though i believe this still doesn't make any sense - weird correlation.Just when as I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence. not bad, needs rewording. In the 'As I slowly stagger to the door' bit, you should have initially mentioned that it was Saint Joseph's Middle School's school door instead of mentioning it later

As I drift past many kids, each one of them it seems as if everyone is avoiding me. Suddenly, agirl accidentally touches me which triggers a clamorous scream Everyone just seems to stares with astonishment because of how stupid the girl isto even touch me. ok...

Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops. The music stops with everyone freezing and looking towards me.

I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”. meh. needs rewording

“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher. a bit cliche, have you actually heard any teacher threatening to call the principal?
Still, no one moves.

I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds. what does this mean?

If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.
(not necessary)

Feedback:
- Not bad, I can definitely imagine this scene in my head.
- Your introduction is pretty good, however your creativity started to slowly become childish after that (sorry bout' that)
- Grammar needs a bit of work.
- Stick with the same tense, please.
- Conclusion: 'If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.' don't repeat the title anywhere in your essay, this just makes you a parrot. If only you elaborated to why you wanted to fit in the crowd, this would have been a very heart-touching conclusion
Edit: Sorry, my apologies, I did not read the topic sentence clearly. To add onto your conclusion, all you need to do is to elaborate it and make it touch home for readers

[ProbotMelbourne]

Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.

I finally arrive at the herd of kidsherd usually refers to animals, school very confusing. if you arrived at school then why was the 'herd of kids' bit necessary?. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf (nice!). As I slowly stagger to the door (what door? be specific),I wish if I wore my mask I wish I had worn a mask though i believe this still doesn't make any sense - weird correlation.Just when as I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence. not bad, needs rewording. In the 'As I slowly stagger to the door' bit, you should have initially mentioned that it was Saint Joseph's Middle School's school door instead of mentioning it later

As I drift past many kids, each one of them it seems as if everyone is avoiding me. Suddenly, agirl accidentally touches me which triggers a clamorous scream Everyone just seems to stares with astonishment because of how stupid the girl isto even touch me. ok...

Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops. The music stops with everyone freezing and looking towards me.

I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”. meh. needs rewording

“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher. a bit cliche, have you actually heard any teacher threatening to call the principal?
Still, no one moves.

I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds. what does this mean?

If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.
(not necessary)

Feedback:
- Not bad, I can definitely imagine this scene in my head.
- Your introduction is pretty good, however your creativity started to slowly become childish after that (sorry bout' that)
- Grammar needs a bit of work.
- Stick with the same tense, please.
- Conclusion: 'If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.' don't repeat the title anywhere in your essay, this just makes you a parrot. If only you elaborated to why you wanted to fit in the crowd, this would have been a very heart-touching conclusion
Edit: Sorry, my apologies, I did not read the topic sentence clearly. To add onto your conclusion, all you need to do is to elaborate it and make it touch home for readers

Thanks for the constructive feedback!
I reread my essay and it sounded so cringe lol.
Same tense...I’m so bad at doing that.
I think I might try to write an essay in 14 minutes and use 1 minute to check,so grammar errors don’t occur.
Lol idk what I was thinking when I wrote herd
And what do you mean by elaborate it to make it heart-touching?
I wrote a persuasive essay rn and I’ll probably upload it.I tried to do it considering the feedback you guys gave.Thanks for the help

[GodNifty]

Thanks for the constructive feedback!
I reread my essay and it sounded so cringe lol.
Same tense...I’m so bad at doing that.
I think I might try to write an essay in 14 minutes and use 1 minute to check,so grammar errors don’t occur.
Lol idk what I was thinking when I wrote herd
And what do you mean by elaborate it to make it heart-touching?
I wrote a persuasive essay rn and I’ll probably upload it.I tried to do it considering the feedback you guys gave.Thanks for the help

By 'elaborate it to make it heart-touching', I meant try making the conclusion relatable to the readers. Everyone has gone through a phase where they've been left out at something, you could have added something like 'I just want to be liked by others' or something like that (yeh ik bit cliche). what this does is that it makes the readers know the situation of your character and what they've been through, which can be more heart-touching if they've also experience this feeling if that makes sense?

[ProbotMelbourne]

By 'elaborate it to make it heart-touching', I meant try making the conclusion relatable to the readers. Everyone has gone through a phase where they've been left out at something, you could have added something like 'I just want to be liked by others' or something like that (yeh ik bit cliche). what this does is that it makes the readers know the situation of your character and what they've been through, which can be more heart-touching if they've also experience this feeling if that makes sense?

Ohh,thanks!makes sense rn!I will try to cooperate it in my other creatives with this sort of ending

[ProbotMelbourne]

Here’s an essay I wrote with y’all feedback.BTW,I did my intro 3 para conclusion and I had 1 min 30 secs,so I did a mini rebuttal.
Topic:Should homework be banned?

Many people argue that homework should be banned, although, is it necessary? The word homework alone evokes many negative and positive connotations by students and teachers. Homework should not be banned as it is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. It also makes a student become more intelligent. It also connects families together(weak argument).

Homework is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. Many children who get homework usually hand it in time. This becomes a habit within the student and the student becomes punctual for every responsibility they get.For example, if a student gets a chore assigned to them by their parents, such as cleaning the dishes, they mostly complete it in time as they are used to having responsibilities and being punctual. This highlights why homework should not be banned.

In addition, a student becomes more intelligent if they do homework. There is a saying,’practice makes perfect.’
Some students find it hard to catch up in class, so they do homework at home. They keep practising their homework at home and soon become perfect. Homework makes the student study more which makes they will become more clever. If students are already ahead in class, the teachers can give them advanced homework which increases their knowledge. This indicates why homework should not be banned.

Finally, homework also connects families.Many students are not able to connect with their families because everyone is busy. With homework, the student can ask help from their parents, which also makes some bonding time. This exemplifies why homework should not be banned,

Many people argue that homework wastes time. However, many people have time to play video games and play outside,so why cannot they do their homework.(RAN OUT OF TIME FOR REBUTTAL CONCLUDING SENTENCE,I couldn’t even think of one)

To conclude, homework should not be banned. It is a great way for a student to develop responsibilities and become punctual. It also increases the knowledge of a student. It even creates some bonding between families. Now let us stand up and say yes to homework.

Btw,for anyone wondering,I did my conclusion before my rebuttal.Can anyone provide me with a rebuttal linking sentence?Thanks

[ProbotMelbourne]

I feel like the main flaw in your essays it not your grammar, but instead, your ability to give us an idea of what is happening. From the two essays you've written, they both contradict (go against) each other and are difficult for readers to understand. You really need to re-read your essay and touch up on these flaws.
You still have 6 months!
Do not give up and STAY on ATAR notes in this thread, do not leave when school starts.

Thanks for marking it!I probably ain’t  being descriptive.
My tenses    probably gonna take a whole week to practice essays with the same tense.
Everything I visualise in my brain,I write it,I never show.I should’ve definitely described when I(the narrator)got home,I realised that.I am probably going to focus to perfect my tenses tommorow.
Thanks for the tips and giving me confidence!
Which school are you from?

[GodNifty]

Topic:Should homework be banned?

Many people argue that homework should be banned, although, is it necessary? The word homework alone evokes many negative and positive connotations by students and teachers. (nice!) Homework should not be banned as it is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual (ok... in what way?). It also makes a student become more intelligent (how do you know?). It also connects families together(weak argument). how does it connect families together?

Homework is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. Many children who get homework usually hand it in time Nope. Bad argument.. This becomes a for the student and the student (don't repeat the same noun again) becomes punctual for every responsibility they get. For example, if a student gets a chore assigned to them by their parents, such as cleaning the dishes, they mostly complete it in time as they are used to having responsibilities and being punctual. This highlights why homework should not be banned. Honestly, pretty weak. How does homework make you more responsible? In fact, in this day and age, I'd probably argue that it's make people less responsible and punctual)

In addition, a student becomes more intelligent if they do homework. There is a saying,’practice makes perfect.’ (nope, 'practise makes perfect' is a rubbish saying. If you practise the wrong thing over and over, then you end up being perfect at being incorrect
Some students find it hard to catch up in class, so they do homework at home. (ok...) They keep practising their homework at home and soon become perfect. Homework makes the student study more which makes they will become more clever. If students are already ahead in class, the teachers can give them advanced homework which increases their knowledge. This indicates why homework should not be banned.your linking is not good

Finally, homework also connects families.Many students are not able to connect with their families because everyone is busy. With homework, the student can ask help from their parents, which also makes some bonding time. This exemplifies why homework should not be banned, who are your intended audience? i don't think my parents know anything about specialist maths. You literally had the same linking sentences as your previous paragraph, but replaced the 'indicates' with 'exemplifies'. Not a good look

Many people argue that homework wastes time. However, many people have time to play video games and play outside,so why cannot they do their homework.(RAN OUT OF TIME FOR REBUTTAL CONCLUDING SENTENCE,I couldn’t even think of one)

To conclude, homework should not be banned. It is a great way for a student to develop responsibilities and become punctual. It also increases the knowledge of a student. It even creates some bonding between families. Now let us stand up and say yes to homework. extremely cliche

Honestly, I really think you should be working on the harder topics. The topics you've done are what I expect from yr5-yr7 Naplan. Bear in mind that the selective exams aren't this easy.