Like many kids I suppose, I liked being around my mum. So when she was studying (accounting) at home, I would often be sitting next to her & in my boredom I would play with the scientific calculator on the table - trying to make sentences from "sin" "cos" "tan" "log" etc. Sometimes I'd ask what particular things meant, and depending on the difficulty mum might explain it to me.
I guess this is why when I was doing maths in primary school it never seemed threatening or scary. I associated only positive memories with it with it (except for that time I only got 39/40 on a maths test and broke down crying in front of my classmates (I was
that student) ) and it wasn't very difficult. Overtime I got used to making more mistakes, and English was my strongest subject, but rarely if ever did I have difficulty understanding maths concepts. Teachers said they'd deliver extended work but well, teachers have multiple classes and a range of students in each class. They never got around to it. I was frequently frustrated by the slow pace of school mathematics & felt that many years had been wasted not learning anything. So when the advanced maths class for year 10 maths clashed with units 1&2 of biology, I talked the school into letting me take biology and attend a standard math class, but I'd learn and be assessed on the advanced content through teaching myself & getting the other class' tests.
That worked out ok, but then when I started units 1&2 of methods next year I didn't know how to ask for help. Afterall, wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to not easily understand all of the concepts when I'd been complaining about school maths being easy? I'd been learning without a teacher in the previous year, so why couldn't I just do that this year? In the final exam we had, I didn't use a summary book and I borrowed someone else's CAS 10 minutes before the exam started yet scored 100%. That settled it then, I didn't actually need help or ask questions when it came to maths - I could do it all on my own.
At the start of next year I talked to a friend who also had aptitude for maths. We agreed that it didn't matter which one of us got dux (since we assumed it'd most likely be one of us) because we'd both do well on the exam anyway. Throughout the year I encouraged them to study and prepare for SACs, we worked through problems together, worked out short cuts and coded programs to use on our CASs. They still didn't do nearly as much practice as me, but this was someone who had learnt some VCE math content in year 8 for fun.
When it came time for the first SAC I had already completed all of the relevant questions in Checkpoints and felt quite confident. That changed. My teacher, it turned out, had a knack for creating problems more difficult than even MAV. Some of the questions were very reasonable, but my confidence shattered like glass and I couldn't think. I needed the answer from part a) to complete the rest of the question - but the solve function and my mind just weren't cutting it. Towards the end I finally figured it out, and rushed the rest of the questions; but not before breaking down in class when the teacher noticed me staring at the front page and asked if I was ok. At that point I wasn't even seeing the question, I was seeing my future rushing away from me. If I couldn't even do remotely well on this first SAC, then why should I do well in methods at all? I wouldn't. And I was
confident so my other subjects I was confident in? Nope. I must be destined to perform poorly in those as well. My future seemed written in stone - I would be the great disapointment who showed a spark of potential and self-immolated in it. I got 53% on that SAC - my first SAC of year 12 (not the kind of thing you usually hear from people who got 98 ATARs but it's the type of thing you should probably hear more often).
After that SAC, I struggled to believe in my mathematical ability but was still too stubborn and self-concious to ask for help. I would answer questions well in class and when it came to the SACs I would be consumed by doubt and forgetfulness - which resulted in making a lot of "stupid errors". Over the course of the year it became clear that my aforementioned friend would get rank 1, despite me explaining concepts or questions to them more commonly than the reverse.
In the revision lectures I went to I was the one answering questions, and a lecturer (not AN this was a school organised one) told me I'd probably get 45+. (That would've been nice.) Finally it was exam 1 day. I'd completed lots of practice exams and learnt from them, so I was getting around 100% on exam one and a bit lower on exam 2. I walked into the year 12 study room to wish people good luck and my friend/rank 1 told me I was going to be annoyed at them. I learnt that they had not done
any preperation. That they had only written a sentence in their english exam, and were "screwed already so why bother trying".
They were wrong - "annoyed" wasn't the most accurate description of my emotions at that point in time.
I worked my way through the exam, and attempted the last question early so I knew how to pace myself for the rest of the exam. My answer didn't work with VCAAs graph (it was actually the right answer, VCAAs graph was just weird) so I crossed it out and tried again. And again. And again. And in that moment, the graph was almost like the graph at the start of my first maths SAC.
This is not a story where I get a 45+ study score for methods. Because I didn't. I only got a B+ on that exam - and that alone would have been enough to make 45+ impossible.
This is a story about how I went home and cried, realising that my study score wouldn't amount to what maybe it could have been. Realising that my SAC scores would be low and probably my exam 1 score as well. It's a story about after hours of failing to do anything remotely productive I practiced math problems through my tears until they went away. I did better on exam 2 than exam 1.
When I got my ATAR my main reaction was disapointment at my methods score - I scored a C+ for my SACs.
It meant I would never tutor methods. It meant I wasn't a maths person. It meant I was less than I thought I was.
I'm not usually a vindicative person, but I was glad that rank 1 didn't dux methods
In my sem 1 maths subject, MTH1020, I cruised at the start and stopped putting in any reasonable effort in towards the end (I got bored because the content felt too easy and familiar). I still got a decent score, but it was certainly less than my potential. In my sem 2 maths subject MTH1030 I have not been cruising. I've been reminding myself that I'm here to learn - not to already know everything.
Now when I look at my maths scores, it means I'm learning. I'm trying. And so what if I don't full-mark the exam? That's just a reminder that I can keep learning and making progress.
It has taken a while, but my methods score doesn't mean all that much to me now. Maybe it was even a good thing - maybe without wanting to "prove myself" after methods I wouldn't have taken MTH1030 and wouldn't have the opportunity to do more maths next year.
The takeaways for year 12s reading this:
- it's ok if your exam 1 desn't go as well as planned, there's always exam 2
- it's ok if your study score isn't what you wanted it to be
- it's ok if you feel a whole bunch of emotions about it anyway
- those emotions change overtime
- it's healthy to let go a bit of wanting to look smart / not wanting to look unintelligent
Best of luck to all of you
(questions are allowed if you ever have them)
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Topic: A turtle's exploration of the world of science & leadership (Read 33726 times)