English AOS Creative Marking

[theyam]

Hello

I was just wondering if someone could mark my creative from yr 11 that I'd like to use for Discovery.

Thank you all

theyam

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! I've had a read of your creative and I really like it - You've got a great writing style and exhibit some excellent use of technique. Love the use of symbolism and figurative language. Do be careful that you aren't using imagery for the sake of using imagery, meaning, make sure you are putting the time into the things in the story that need describing and really benefit from the extra investment. If you use imagery and over-describe everything, it loses its impact - Kind of like getting bored of an awesome dessert if you have it every night I guess

I think this could be used for Discovery, but in its current form it isn't quite conceptually suited (imo). The story would focus on a lack of Discovery or barriers to new understandings, but really this is a story of loss right now. You could easily mould it into something about Discoveries stemming from loss, or similar, but it will definitely need a tweak. Especially if you want it to work for the variety of stimuli that the HSC can potentially throw you!

On mechanics, ensure your dialogue takes its own line and sounds realistic. Try and minimise how often that prominent words are used in two consecutive sentences, it does tend to throw the reader off. Finally, nsure the reader has a way to ensure that time has passed or we now have a new frame of view - Either a horizontal line across the page or some dots

****

Like that ^^

[theyam]

Hi Jamon!!

Thank you so much for your feedback! I asked my tutor to mark it and he said it basically said it was an example of what not to do for a creative, because he said it felt like he was reading UP fan fiction. Is there anyway to fix that ?

Thanks again Jamon

From theyam

[The Special One]

Are you allowed to do this? Using UP the movie as a basis for your essay.

I'm only asking because I did a very similar essay in year 6  based on the movie Jaws and my teacher read it once and put a big X on it giving me a 0 for plagiarism.

I wasn't too happy about that. obviously legally I've done nothing wrong but schools enforce their own rules so check with your teacher first if she allows this type of thing. Every teacher is different.

[Potatohater]

I asked my tutor to mark it and he said it basically said it was an example of what not to do for a creative, because he said it felt like he was reading UP fan fiction. Is there anyway to fix that ?

Did you intend for it to remind the audience of UP or is it a coincidence? If it was intentional you could make the refrences more subtle so that you display the ability to use intertextuality. If it is a coincidence maybe change their names, characterise the couple differently or advance the plot slightly differently. Ultimatley though I think you've got a nice piece forming, I think you've just got to play with it a bit with consideration to the feedback you have recieved and will recieve

Are you allowed to do this? Using UP the movie as a basis for your essay.

In the HSC students can pick a related text for their AOS essay, so yes, UP could be the basis of that. However the work being marked here is a creative peice and thus no, they probably shouldn't be using somebody else's work as thier foundation.

[theyam]

Hello

Well the writing prompt I used was an elderly person thinking about their life and I was inspire by the life events of my grandparents which were sorta similar to UP, so that's why I wrote it. But ye, didn't think it would end up being that similar though ._.

Thanks again

theyam

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Jamon!!

Thank you so much for your feedback! I asked my tutor to mark it and he said it basically said it was an example of what not to do for a creative, because he said it felt like he was reading UP fan fiction. Is there anyway to fix that ?

Thanks again Jamon

From theyam

It didn't remind me of UP reading it, but like PH said you could always make little tweaks to reduce the overlap! Being inspired by a story is not a bad thing