english

[applesauce]

any help is appreciated thank u!

[angewina_naguen]

any help is appreciated thank u!

Hey there, applesauce!

I have just provided some annotations for your creative writing which I hope you can make use of. I have some general feedback for your creative that summarises everything else I've put in the annotations.

Your descriptions could be expanded on further- You have some lovely descriptions happening but they're very colour-centred. I see lots of "blues" and "reds" but your reliance on colour for description could be an area to improve on. Try exploring other literary techniques such as similes or metaphors, to juxtaposition or synaesthesia to give your imagery more clarity each time.

Your characters' actions are more so "tell" than "show"- Your story is plot-driven (pun intended  ) which actually makes it more difficult to "show" what is happening, as opposed to simply "telling" the reader. I would suggest creating movement in your story rather by varying sentence lengths or playing with different verbs to make the story fluid in how it is experienced, as opposed to merely its content. I also found that you gave very specific details and examples about your character's past and present which is important, yes, but in moderation. Leave room for the writer to infer and take their own interpretations of the story as well.

Consider manipulation with form- Experiment with where you can have one-sentence paragraphs or where you could break paragraphs to indicate a shift in mood, tone or idea. Structural things such as these really make a difference visually and as an experience for the reader.

Adaptability to stimuli- When assessments are approaching and you have to use this creative, practise writing it under exam conditions with past HSC stimuli from a range of visual or written ones. You need to make sure your story can be adapted to any stimuli, whether it be literally or metaphorically, to ensure you communicate the areas of discovery eloquently and demonstrate that the stimulus has influenced your story, and not the other way around.

These are just suggestions of mine so it's up to you whether or not you wish to take them on board. It seems to be off to a great start and I wish you all the best with it. I hope my feedback can assist you and have a nice day! Happy writing!

Angelina

P.S Mr Bates was my ex-teacher in year 9 so give him a hello from me