English Advanced: AOS- 'The Tempest' and 'The Motorcycle Diaries' (film)

[FighForADFA2018]

Hi! I am new to the community and this is my essay for Discovery. I'm not quite confident with this and would greatly appreciate some honest feedback to improve my essay.
Thank you so much guys! REALLY APPRECIATE IT! ^_^

[owidjaja]

Hi! I am new to the community and this is my essay for Discovery. I'm not quite confident with this and would greatly appreciate some honest feedback to improve my essay.
Thank you so much guys! REALLY APPRECIATE IT! ^_^

Hey there!
I'm no expert but here's my input on your essay. I only went through the introduction and the first paragraph- I suggest you going through these comments and try to use my suggestions with the rest of your essay.
Warning: I'm very finicky so I've basically nitpicked your essay.

Spoiler

The process of discovery, enlightens individuals with fresh, meaningful ideas, inspiring them to gain new insights about themselves and the world around them. What's the question you're answering? At the moment, your first sentence sounds like a regurgitation of the rubric/question. The rubric is there to guide you on how to form your thesis. This concept is encapsulated in the 2008 biographical Putting in dates is unnecessary. film ‘The Motorcycle Diaries’, where director Walter Salles shows one’s pursuit of discovery can serve as a powerful impetus for resilience and fortitude. Similarly, the 1611 tragicomedy Again, unnecessary. ‘The Tempest’ by William Shakespeare strengthens our grasp of this concept by exploring how the individual's capability to embrace new values can spark positive introspection and reconciliation. Both composers, through differing textual mediums challenge the beliefs of audiences by representing the transformative impact of discovery at both an individual and societal level.

Humanity has an instinctive compulsion to experience new places and envisage new possibilities. You mentioned in your thesis that new ideas can result to new perceptions on themselves and the world but your topic sentence only addresses new worlds. Your topic sentence should be organised thematically. This is inferred Inferred is a low modality word. Maybe use words like demonstrated, shown etc- remember, you're trying to argue your point. in ‘The Motorcycle Diaries’ through the sharp transitional cuts between scenes that shifts Ernesto farewelling his girlfriend to the horizontal panning of the lake You need to explain your point before going into your technique. The purpose of these techniques is to reinforce your points, hence why you should have a topic sentence to address the overarching theme, narrow down that theme with an explanation on how it relates to your text and then your technique.. The abrupt changes in visuals are emblematic of Ernesto's spontaneity towards the sudden disruption of  ife Not entirely sure what this word is.. This elicits the human spirit wanting to uncover the unknown, provoked by curiosity to experience the world Need to expand your point here a bit more- the impact of this on discovery is important because the whole point of this essay is exploring discovery and how it impacts individuals. Furthermore, the long shot of Ernesto abandoning his broken vehicle and continuing his journey on foot, compounded by the powerful and melancholic non-diegetic music, positions him in a dire and lonely way. However, Ernesto’s obstinacy to continue his pathway to discovery illuminates the grit of humanity’s curiosity. You've already made your point before- no need to add another technique.

The ‘ The Tempest’ counters this notion Again, you need to elaborate this. For example: 'The Tempest' counters this notion as Shakespeare presents the ... through Prospero's threatening tone when reacting to Ariel's bid for freedom, “I will peg thee in his knotty entrails,” exposes his anger towards Ariel’s attempt to rediscover autonomy. This connotes Again, find a high modality word. Prospero’s retreat in the voyage of discovery Discovery of what? and his tendency to conserve the old boundaries I'm not entirely sure how this relates to your thesis on new ideas resulting new perceptions of themselves.. Moreover, Prospero’s violent imagery, compounded by the assonance repudiates Caliban’s disclosure of his tyranny “I’ll fill all thy bones with aches” intensifies correct form of this word should be 'intensifying' his defiance of uncovering potential opportunities. Contrastingly, Shakespeare’s different representations of dispossession echo the colonial paradigm, where the oppressors resist negotiations and thus live in a stagnant world devoid of curiosity and new possibilities What does this have to do with your thesis? If you wanted to explore colonialism, you should've placed this in your topic sentence because colonialism is a theme. And like I said before, you shouldn't be introducing a new point towards the end of your paragraph.. Therefore, through the contending depictions, the responder generates apprehension towards the circumstances that influence an individual's compulsion to discover. This concluding sentence feels like a book end. You didn't really talk about circumstances that impact discovery. Your use the word 'discovery' very broadly- you need to narrow down this term to suit the texts. Is there a common idea of discovery explored in the two texts? If they contrast each other, then you should mention how the discovery of (say) new ideas impact on individual but differ with the other.

Overall comments:
- Good attempt in approaching your AOS essay (would've been great if you included the question so I have an idea what you're addressing).
- You need to revise structuring your paragraph- you often go straight to the technique but you don't have an idea to discuss. You need to start off with a broad idea and then narrow down that idea to suit your texts.
- You use techniques as if they're your main arguments- these techniques are used to support your ideas.
- Your arguments don't really align with your thesis- the whole point of the thesis is to tell the marker what you're arguing, which is why I keep talking about starting off broad; if your thesis is talking about new ideas impacting new perceptions, then you need to discuss what these 'new ideas' are (included in the topic sentence) and how they impact individuals (explanation of the idea --> technique --> impact of this technique on individual and audience.

Hope this helps!