English. Creative Piece

[KHE0024]

kjml

[username2000]

good work ...i am not an english teacher but can i post mine on here as well?
i have better ones, can i post them too pls??
can it be deleted once its marked because its embaressing!!
its a bit cringey, and also way too long to write in 40 mins...any ideas how to cut it down?:

It was the first time she had discovered this homesickness. As Camilla, or Cam, as her friends called her, tossed and turned in the hotel bed, her husband Vincenzo slumbered on beside her. She realised this was the first time since they had been married that she could actually stop for a moment and think about the family she had left behind. As the night air blew the curtains till they rippled like the waves and she licked the salty tear that trickled down her suntanned face, she remembered her beach.
She had been brought up in a mansion on the Gold Coast overlooking their private beach with almost everything a young teenage girl could have hoped for in their wildest dreams. Then it all changed in the summer after her seventeenth birthday. It was once of those blistering days that the sunshine state is so famous for that she was exploring the coastline on her stand-up paddleboard, when she came across Vincenzo. The dark complexioned Mexican boy was bored to death as he paddled around the beach behind their family holiday home. He was visiting with his family and had been forbidden to go out of sight from the weatherboard house where his mother and older sisters were keeping a watchful eye on him. When Camilla saw him she knew straight away he was trouble. He had black curly hair, dark skin and black eyes sparkling with mischievousness. “Hello!” he called out to her from the distance and started a strong freestyle stroke towards the paddleboard.  “Hi!” she replied.
Even his family knew that wherever Vinny went, trouble and danger followed, but the strong boy knew no fear and always miraculously managed to get out of a scrape unscathed. “Can I rest up on your board?” he asked, with a heavy Mexican accent. “Sure!” she replied. “What’s your name?” suddenly she gasped in horror at the blood that seeped from an open wound as he clambered onto the board and sat down. “What’s that from?” she asked quickly, while he carelessly dangled it in the clear water. “Aww, its nothing”, he replied nonchalantly. “I cut it when I was exploring the rocks over there”, he pointed his chin towards the oyster covered rocks that outlined the bay. “You do realise that sharks can smell blood from k’s away” Cam replied, frowning at the trail of blood following as she started to paddle towards the shore. He grinned up at her, showing straight rows of white teeth. “Oh, I’ve always wanted to meet a shark” he laughed. “No”, she replied “a Great White killed a man on this coast only a few weeks ago…you do not want to meet one in the open ocean, especially when he has smelled blood”. He didn’t reply but was looking intently at something in the water behind her. She looked behind and nearly fell of her board in fright. Poking out of the water was a large grey fin, not more than 20 meters away and it was closing in fast!
“Quick, help me paddle!” she yelled. “We’ve got to get into shore and fast!” “Here, pass me the paddle” he said and lay down on his belly. The shark was now perilously close and he reached out as far as he could and whacked its fin. All of a sudden it leapt out of the water, rows of bloodstained teeth chomping down on the paddle, wrenching it from Vinny’s hands. “Awesome!” he said, and turned to look at Cam’s pale, terrified face. “Oh”, he said, his smile fading “you want to get back to shore don’t you?” with that he rolled off the board and started pulling it back to shore, his strong legs kicking fast. Cam lay on her belly and paddled with her arms, not daring to look behind her and trying not to think about the blood trail his foot was leaving. However, in no time at all they were back safe to shore and she was very relieved to walk on the golden sand. Vinny gave a little chuckle and glanced at her sideways.
She gave a sigh and watched his peaceful face as he slept and wished she could always be as calm and fearless as he was. She knew it was pointless trying to sleep any longer, and not wanting to wake him, she pulled back the covers and grimaced when the old bed creaked as she crept out onto the veranda into the cool New Zealand air.  It was now five years since that first adventure she had had with him and they were now on their honeymoon. And what a honeymoon! It was a world trip, fulfilling Vincenzo’s lifelong dreams of all the extreme adventure around the world. Surfing Jaws break, Hawaii, wakeboarding at Blue Lake, Florida, Climbing Mt Everest, swimming with the sharks, Fiji, Volcano Bungee Jumping, Chile, Cycling Death Road, La Paz, Bolivia, touring a war zone, trekking, Dolomites, Italy, Sandboarding, Oman and last of all canyoning in Auckland. The last month had been packed full of adrenalin rushing excitement and Cam’s fears had been tested to their limits. However, Vinney never seemed to find any of this in the least scary and Cam had began to wonder if she had married a Superman.
Suddenly a sound reached her ears on the clear, moonlit night. Across the road was a tall apartment building and on the level opposite a movement caught her eye. She gasped and blinked, thinking she must be dreaming. Had the last few weeks sent her mad? No she was sure of it. A black figure was climbing the building and she watched in horror as he climbed into an open window. She was witnessing a robbery! Quickly she pulled out her phone and rang the police, informing them of her location and what she had just seen. Minutes passed, then she saw the flashing lights of police cars in the distance. They came until they stopped outside the hotel. She leaned over the railing and yelled down at the little figures on the ground. “He’s opposite! He climbed into that open window on the 10th storey!” The police looked up at her and one fat constable who looked like he was in charge pulled out a megaphone and aimed it up at her. “Come down! We may need you for a witness!” Adrenalin rushed through her body as she went back inside the room. Grabbing her bathrobe and slippers, she turned back to wake her husband but stared in surprise as she realised he wasn’t there! “Vinny?” she called softly, then turned as she heard the door opening softly. A figure entered the doorway dressed head to toe in a black suit. It was the robber! She ran to the curtains to warn the police but was suddenly held in a vice like grip as a strong hand covered her mouth. Suddenly her world went black.
When she awoke hours later the sun was beginning to peek through the cracks in the curtains. She remembered the excitement in the night and turned quickly to check if her husband was beside her. She sighed with relief as he was sleeping soundly, so she awoke him. “Vinny, I just had the strangest dream…” and she recounted her adventure. He laughed softly. “How weird…” “I know…” she replied “but it all seemed so real”. Then she started. Hanging on the back of the door was a black suit! She looked at her husband, but he quickly avoided her searchful gaze. “I knew you’d find out sometime…” he murmured. Then she remembered the news she had caught him looking at last week “World famous criminal circles the globe as he seeks to hide” the headlines had read. And the reward posters she had seen for any information regarding his whereabouts. Her husband was a dangerous criminal!

[username2000]

Hey guys,
any feedback will do.
This is a creative piece and I am doing filling the gap.
So a bit of background: In the story Cold Snap by Cate Kennedy, the mother is shown to be missing for no apparent reason so I am filling the gap.
Thanks:

                                                                                              Present
I was sitting in my small apartment room. Annoyed by the loud noises outside; honking, beeping and people shouting. In front of me on the grey wall, underneath the clock was a calendar. I scanned it slowly while thinking of the time when I left Billy and Dave. It was the 7th of August. I got up and walked slowly towards the kitchen, and through the window, I saw a family of three on the 10th floor of another apartment. The warm afternoon sunshine gleamed through the window and I had to squint hard to see them clearly; their faces were filled with happiness and delight. Abruptly, I felt lonely and longed for companion.
Every day, I would find myself lost thinking of Billy and his father. It often leads to lonely tears running down my face. I wondered how Billy’s doing, with the absence of a mother’s love and with the tough-love he faced from his father. I wondered if he still has the strong bond with the environment. I could vividly picture the fond he had with the nature and how much he loved it.   
Dave would often guide Billy to set a perfect trap to ensnare the rabbits. I loved observing the father and son moments they had when I was with them. Dave would sometimes force him to be strong and tough both mentally and physically. Forcing Billy to be strong physically was like forcing an emu to fly. However, I think he has more metal capabilities than his father. I also knew that he can become very protective for the things he loved, just like his father. Unfortunately, everything about them are just mere memories.
There was a knock on the door. Instead of using the doorbell, it was a knock using the knuckles. That’s strange I thought. I proceed to open the door and Cindy was standing there, looking queerly. She’s a friend of mine from work and she sometimes come to visit me. She is gift in my life. As she greeted me, the whole atmosphere of my apartment room changed. She said, Jess you know I am concerned, seeing you like this, and the ambience of excitement quickly diminished. Why haven’t you been out of this room for so long? she asked. I thought you like the environment, she added. I suddenly replied, this is not the type of environment I want or need.
I gaited towards the kitchen and tardily opened the fridge. I offered her a drink in hope to diverge her mind from the topic. As I decanted the drink I had the urge to have a quick glance at the 10th floor of the other building. I tried to beat the compulsion, but to no success I was left devastated. Are you okay? Cindy enquired. I replied, no everything’s fine. She looked straight into my eyes and was very baffled. She came to the kitchen and I quickly shoved the drink to her. Confused, she gazed through the window and saw right through me. I promised her that I wouldn’t be like this ever again because of Dave and Billy. She was unable to muster words for a second and then she said, I am taking you back to Billy and Dave tomorrow. I will be here at dawn, she said and left.

This was a big decision for me, but she knew this was necessary. I remember the gloves I gave Billy, it was a reminder that anything is possible in life. I told him it should give him comfort, especially when things don’t go to plan. Maybe it is time to show the gloves’ meaning. It is time to put the disputes I had with Dave aside. I left Dave because of our different perspectives and values. Maybe he has come to his sense and love the nature as well.
I stood patiently outside with my bag, waiting for Cindy to arrive. I am exhilarated to finally see them again. But I am also nervous. And I am also afraid of what they will think of the situation… Excitements and fears are battling within me. A blue car was approaching and the hairs on my neck were tingling as they stood up. Good morning, she said, with a huge smile like a clown. Why are you so happy? I said. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long! You finally agreed to my decision. Big one aye? she responded. I got into the car and the only things that were left between Dave, Billy and I were some kilometres and time.
We were rapidly approaching our destination, and the environment I wanted was getting closer and closer. As we turned around one of the road, there was a massive tree with beautiful flowers around it. As I opened the window I could feel the cold winter breeze making its way into the car. I missed the cold and the smell of this peaceful place.
There it was. The place where all my memories lies. I was standing in front of the house. No sign of Billy and his father yet. There was a tree that was recently planted near the house; it was breathing healthily and looked as happy as a fish in water. As I peeked through the window, Billy and his father emerged from the backyard. Billy had 2 rabbits on his hands and looked as if he had just won a lottery. Once they saw me, I could sense that they longed for my presence as well. Billy came and hugged and his father said, I have been waiting for you Jess,I am glad to have you back.

this might be a bit lame and picky, but all i can see wrong is some grammar and puncuation? not sure if that matters

[MAGGOT]

this might be a bit lame and picky, but all i can see wrong is some grammar and puncuation? not sure if that matters

Because it's a creative piece, unless we have read this short story we can't help you. However,  I'm also writing a creative piece from Cate Kennedy's  like a house on fire but as your character is a mother you should fix up your grammar. Something significant about is Kennedy's short stories is the first and final line of the story, the first line starts with an action and the final line is statement or something like that. You should also mask your characters feelings as well