Language Analysis Structure NEED HELP!!

[lakvinu]

Hello,

Im in year 11 and i have a farely okay idea at language analysis. I also go to an English tutor to learn. However, every time i submit a language analysis to him, he says its not that good. Before you say anything about changing tutor, he has helped me. Anyway, i know i can write a great introduction however, im bad at my body paragraphs. The main structure i use for body paragraphs is :

Topic/Idea of paragraph
Technique/idea
Intention of the use
The effect the writer wants to have on the audience.
The affect on the reader

Is there anything that im missing. Also my language doesnt flow that good and i feel like its stuffy and i dont know how to express it. My tutor often says that i keep going back to year 10 language analysis and that i repeat using techniques. I dont get it.  Here's an example of a body paragraph i wrote:

The Title “UNWANTED PESTS – SCHOOLIES UNDER THREAT,” is in a bold and capitalised text to attract audience. The words “SCHOOLIES UNDER THREAT,” are direct, succinct and outlines the purpose of the article whilst targeting the younger generations. Upon glancing at the title, the young men and woman would immediately be knowledgeable of the subject and thus be interested in the article. As past or current year 12 students, they would be coerced to continue reading the article, as it is a topic of interest to students. King opens his report by highlighting the overwhelming figure of students “for their region alone,” to support and give logic to his statements. The writer is trying to use the fact that there are approximately “60,000,” students to engender a sense of fear into the reader. As a result, the readers would take the schoolies incident more seriously and thus be able to understand the concerns of the neighbourhood.  Upon reading the number of “60,000,” students themselves will be shocked and begin to question their method of thinking. They would imagine 60,000 students drunk on the road at night and the negative damage it can cause themselves and the locals. Despite the primary audience being past or present students, they would be subjective to the neighbourhood’s point of view and position themselves with the locals. However, while he is targeting the students, he is also attacking the locals which is shown by the “angry Gold Coast residents,”.  By referring to the Gold Coast residents as “Angry,” he is trying to describe them as reckless, idiotic and immature. This will cause the students to not be angry with the writer but be calm due to the writer expressing the opinion of both sides. However, despite the writer trying to stay neutral throughout the piece, he is mostly against schoolies.

I know the body is pretty bad, but i dont understand what i done wrong. I tried my best to analysis from what i can understand.  If theres another structure or method to improve pls tell me. I also want to increase my vocab, so if u a vocab list that i can use to improve my language pls tell me. If there is any way to improve pls tell me as i want to improve my language analysis a lot.

Thanks
Pls Reply ASAP.

[>em<]

I also want to increase my vocab, so if u a vocab list that i can use to improve my language pls tell me. If there is any way to improve pls tell me as i want to improve my language analysis a lot.

Hey there!
I can't give you much help on the analysis, we are just starting it now...
but there is a great language analysis word bank in the an notes... it is a great help to me. i just searched language analysis under notes and it was the first one that came up.
Hope it helps and good luck!

[K888]

Hi there I'd recommend having a sit down with your English teacher at school (or another teacher from the English department) to revise structure. They should be able to help you work out a system that works best for you!

I graduated 2 years ago so there's probably people who can give better feedback than me, but the key thing you have to focus on when doing language analysis is analysing the effect that the author's language has on the reader and explaining it. I have a feeling that you might fall into the trap of summarising (as many students do!), or list what an effect might be, but you fail to go into depth about it.
I found that it really helped me to always be asking myself "how does this impact the reader? what does it make them think/feel/do? why?" as I was reading an article. I reckon this helps you move away from focusing on language techniques. Then, when you're writing, keep on asking yourself "why?" and if you feel you can elaborate further, do so, and if you feel like you've explained it enough, then you're good!

For example, from your paragraph:
"This will cause the students to not be angry with the writer but be calm due to the writer expressing the opinion of both sides."
You've definitely touched on the why, but you can elaborate further. Why would the writer expressing the opinion of both sides cause the students to not be angry?

When I was refining my approach to language analysis, I started out by practicing annotating and analysing heaps of articles - I didn't even really write that many paragraphs (just a few, to get a feel for my structure). Then, once I had that initial analysis down pat, I moved on to refining my writing. Obviously different things work for different people, but I found that doing this really helped speed me up in timed situations without compromising quality.

As for building vocab, read! Start reading the newspaper, read other students' language analyses, and just keep on practicing your writing. When you get a draft back, read it, then figure out if you can replace some of your words with other words, and if you can rearrange your sentences. I'd often go back through drafts and cross out whole sentences, then rewrite my pararaphs.

Hope this has helped - I'm a bit out of touch with VCE English, but I always found it to be one of my more enjoyable, and stronger subjects, and some of the stuff you learn never really leaves you