Hi all, I know this is going to sound utterly up myself so here’s your warning. Click off now if you’re bothered by the refuting of grades based on the self-interpretation of one’s own intelligence. (Case in point: that sentence.)
Basically my ATAR is going to make me seem utterly incompetent. I’m Year 11 so my grades aren’t that important right now but I may not even get the S in my subjects that I need. I’m not taking a maths or science - I am currently studying: Legal, Media, English, Literature, an Philosophy. I enjoy these subjects for the most part and I dropped down from 6 because Just Depression and Anxiety Things. My school is incredible with supporting me, they have allowed special considerations based on my physiatrist’s advice, ensured me all they expect is for me to pass, provided a system for my panic attacks, and just generally been wonderful. My parent’s don’t put pressure on me. The main problem is the pressure I put on myself.
Last year I was a straight A+ student in English and often received perfect marks. This year it is up and down - my grades are starting to replicate my mood disorder. (Bit of mental health humour.) My highest mark in English so far this year was 39 out of 40 but that’s surrounded by a sea of Cs and Bs. Maybe this distressing me so much because the subject used to wield easily achieved high marks but every subject is like this. Literature is Ds and Cs. Legal is abysmal. Media is alright. Philosophy is my favourite subject even if I’m awful at it: the class discussion (there are only 5 of us) is a good trade off for the terrible grades.
My school has recently agreed to withhold my grades from me, only having my teacher’s return my work with feedback and showing my actual letter grade or percentage to the school and my parents. I have a feeling this will help but there are other problems on the horizon.
Attendance, for starters, is something I struggle with. I’d say I’m at around 80 to 75% when I need 90% (although I’ve been told I’m likely to still pass my subjects if I don’t take any more time off). Some days I just can’t bring myself to get out of bed, some days my heart condition plays up, some days I’m sick, some days I’m just too stressed or depressed to move.
The other problem is my aforementioned anxiety and depression. I work myself up being so incredible overwhelmed and stressed about my grades but then I’m too lethargic or teary to actually do the work. I submit the bare minimum sometimes just so it shows that’s I’m doing something (even if it’s not substantial). All I want a lot of the time is to skip forward five years or just to every weekend.
I have no idea what my future is going to hold. University? Will I actually pass? Will I get a job? I don’t know anymore.
TLDR: my ATAR is likely going to be shit but I don’t think I’m as stupid as it will make me seem.