Please mark my ‘The Lieutenant’ Paragraph

[dommariesolomon]

Hi! Just wondering if anyone could mark my sample paragraph for ‘The Lieutenant’? I think I might be a bit general, AND I might be retelling the story, AND I might not have answered the question properly, but if anyone could give me feedback that would be great cos I am struggling and I am just really trash at writing :’)

Also, let’s be real. Sometimes you can’t write a hella long essay in a SAC, so I was wondering if under SAC conditions this is long enough or not for one body? Atm it doesn't seem that long to me. I’ve seen some people have 400+ words for each body paragraphs, and whilst sometimes I can write a lot in a short period of time, sometimes I can’t and it’s not always realistic to write really long paragraphs when you won’t have a lot of time in the actual exam.

Anyways the prompt is- External conflict is more of a danger to oneself than inner turmoil.

I’m arguing that external conflict can amplify inner turmoil, thus leaving people vulnerable to danger.

——————

Through Lieutenant Gardiner’s character, Grenville gives the impression that internal turmoil is exacerbated by external conflict. A short while after the arrival of the First Fleet, Gardiner joins an expedition where external conflicts between the natives between and the settlers is made apparent when the settlers lure and capture two Aboriginal men. Due to his contribution to the capturing, Gardiner realises that despite being “savages… their feelings are no different to ours”, thus causing his to be internally distraught by the violence he took part in. His internal conflict and his disapproval of the Fleet’s actions, is made known to his superiors, thus resulting in him being sent elsewhere to “begin a new colony where the ground is more fertile” {i cant remember if the quote exactly says this}. Rooke believes that this is an order of punishment and exile for Gardiner’s thought on capturing the natives suggesting that Grenville created external conflict to amplify characters inner distress. Gardiner’s involvement in physical hostilities contributed to his inner turmoil, thus making him exposed to negative repercussions.

Mod edit: thread title changed to lower case form

[S200]

Ok, so at first glance, I think that it isn't too bad, but you were correct in thinking you were retelling a bit.

Through Lieutenant Gardiner’s character, Grenville gives the impression that internal turmoil is exacerbated by external conflict. A short while after the arrival of the First Fleet, Gardiner joins an expedition where external conflicts between the natives between and the settlers is made apparent when the settlers lure and capture two Aboriginal men. Due to his contribution to the capturing, Gardiner realises that despite being “savages… their feelings are no different to ours”, thus causing his to be internally distraught by the violence he took part in. His internal conflict and his disapproval of the Fleet’s actions, is made known to his superiors, thus resulting in him being sent elsewhere to “begin a new colony where the ground is more fertile” {i cant remember if the quote exactly says this}. Rooke believes that this is an order of punishment and exile for Gardiner’s thought on capturing the natives suggesting that Grenville created external conflict to amplify characters inner distress. Gardiner’s involvement in physical hostilities contributed to his inner turmoil, thus making him exposed to negative repercussions.

My rewritten one...

Through Lieutenant Gardiner’s character, Grenville gives the impression that internal turmoil is exacerbated by external conflict. The Governor is the principal instigator of the external conflict, due to his "need to communicate" to the natives driven by the fear of annihilation. Although "He [the Governor] should not have given the order" to capture Wurragin and Boinbar, Gardiner is distraught, loudly berating himself for his part in "the hardest duty [he] was ever asked to complete". Due to his efforts in the kidnapping, Gardiner realises that despite being "savages... their feelings are no different from ours", clearly exemplifying the internal turmoil that is being enacted in response to the violence he was part of. Gardiner's subsequent posting to Norfolk island is seen by Rooke as a punishment, almost "exile", suggesting that Grenville created external conflict within the novel to amplify characters inner distress. Gardiner’s involvement in physical hostilities contributed to his inner turmoil, thus making him exposed to negative repercussions.

EDIT

Sorry, I just realised that this post was really useless, giving no actual feedback. So here we go.

To answer your question... I would prolly rely a lot more on well positioned quotes to tell the story, as otherwise you will be marked down. I hope my example shows that...

I would try for a touch longer, but under timed conditions it could be unrealistic, so yeah, just do the best ya can.

And overall feedback:
Try to be more familiar and confident with the quotes, vocabulary was good.
Length is alright, but greater development of ideas would be great.

Like, a stronger linking sentence back to your topic sentence would be perfect.

[OZLexico]

I think there's still a bit too much story telling, even in your revised version.  You want to make your topic sentence strong - the idea in it is okay but poorly expressed.  I'd suggest "Grenville explores the personal cost of external conflict through the character of Lt Gardiner."  Your reference to the example should be briefer and just mention "the capture of the two native men".  Your discussion of the importance of this episode could be more specific - Gardiner's reflections on his participation force him to confront the conflict between his duty to obey orders ("I wish to God I had not obeyed." p 113) and his empathy for "the savages" (their feelings "no different to ours").  Rooke's assessment of Gardiner's new assignment at Norfolk Island gives a sort of outsider view that Gardiner's new duties are "an ordinary task in his profession" that can also be seen as a punishment for his "dangerous outspokenness" (p 170).  Grenville is using a number of viewpoints to examine ambivalence in the consequences of Wurragin and Boinbar's capture and she uses Gardiner's experiences in the new colony to reveal the clash of social allegiance and personal values.
If you're concerned that your body paragraphs are too short, an example like this one on Gardiner could also refer to other parts of the text - the consequences of mutiny, the limitations of compassion shown by others (like Silk). I agree with your comments about time constraints but it is important to keep your discussion of the essay topic relevant.       

[dommariesolomon]

Thanks guys! This was really helpful!