Feedback needed for Analysing Argument - SAC in 3 days

[viralcricstar]

Hi guys,
With this post is my argument analysis of the 2016 English Exam Section C. Can anyone provide me with feedback and a mark please.
Many thanks!

Every town seeks to attract tourists to improve their economy and councils often are seen debating, sometimes conflictingly on the ways to increase their touristic appeal. As such, the Mayor of Lawton, Councillor Alexandra Wiley in her weekly column passionately affirms for the progress of their town after a diversion. Wiley contends that a ‘giant attraction’ in the form a watermelon be built within Lawton as a tool to attract more tourists so that the Lawton economy can flourish, especially after the diversion that Wiley feels could financially debilitate the town, instilling facts and emotive language within her argument. In a contrastive response, President of Lawton Progress Association Ian Warwick writes in the local newspaper. Aimed towards Wiley’s audience and Wiley herself, Warwick attempts to counter Wiley’s generic proposal, which could backfire for Lawton Town and ultimately asks the Council to reconsider their proposal. To dynamically emphasise the issue, the excerpt is accompanied by an image that satirically taunts the two authors, yet also recognises their views in positive light.

Wiley’s piece commences by her assertively recognising the ‘resultant peace’ after the recent diversion within the town of Lawton, and as mayor, seeks to establish rapport with the town, also her audience by using phrases such as ‘cross the street for a chat..’ and ‘glad to leave our windows open without the fear of dust’ that could occur as a result of tourism. However, her tone quickly modulates into a concerned one, cautioning her audience by writing that ‘there is a downside to this’ type of life, and descends into her main arguments. Wiley seeks to emphasise on the diminishing future of the town, hollowly calling it ‘a ghost town’ in an attempt to swiftly instil shock within her audience of the consequences if this ‘peaceful’ environment is permanent. Wiley further asserts that ‘we want cars full of people, our beautiful bakery, socialise at our historic pub.. stay at our comfortable motel’. Her almost romanticised and colourful language is an attempt to provoke the town into vividly picturing a progressive and harmonious Lawton full of ‘tourists’ and visitors whose ‘money is needed’ for a stable economy. Lawton continues her piece with an enlightening tone. Inclusively scripting that ‘our region is famous for luscious produce’ and ‘the most crisp, most succulent fruit and vegetables around’, but they need ‘an emblem’ to showcase their appeal as a town. Lawton’s gradual momentum towards her proposal of an ‘emblem’ is an effort by her to evoke collective pride within her audience over something that proudly symbolises the progressive town of Lawton, so that they may quickly commit to this large idea with questioning the validity of his proposal, which Ian Warwick later exploits in his urging response.

Mayor Wiley proceeds to ceremonially praise the emblem that she has proposed to attract tourists within the town. Adopting a hypothetical approach, Wiley’s selective choice of language to describe the emblem as ‘soaring’ and ‘spir[ing]’, with its loaded connotations of exhilaration and marvel seeks to elicit a sense of spirit and further pride within her readership, consequently looking to provoke them towards the joyous acceptance of the emblem. Wiley also attempts to defend her idea by rebutting ‘the naysayers’, presenting statistics of towns with giant attractions receive 20% more visitors’ that suggest ‘all towns with giant attractions are thriving’ and exclamatorily urges that ‘visitors love them!’ to encourage her audience to completely agree with her with her idea. As she concludes her piece, Wiley, with her romanticised tone attempts to evoke universal responsibility within her audience to ‘protect our lifestyle’. By using ‘protect’ Wiley almost refers to Lawton as an economically endangered town to elicit sympathy for Lawton within her audience that would only, and infers that would only be possible through an emblem. Her last sentence gently requests her audience ‘to support this exciting idea’ that could make ‘Lawton a truly great town!’, to evoke appeasement within the people of Lawton and wholeheartedly asks them to agree with this idea for the gradual betterment and rise of their very own town.

In response to Mayor Wiley’s advocative weekly column, Ian Warwick writes against the ‘attraction’. Warwick opens with an assuring tone, showing his common concern who too ‘wants our town to survive’ amidst this unsure condition. Warwick however terms the idea of an emblem to increase Lawton’s appeal as ‘a large, ugly installation’ that is paved in the country, trying to humorously picturise disgust within the Lawton community and cast an indirect attack on the Council by dismissively mocking the proposal. Warwick rhetorically asks, ‘Can’t we be different?’ to suggest his audience the triteness of Wiley’s proposal, attempting to induce doubt and questionability of their likely swift attraction towards Wiley’s ideas. Warwick proceeds to exploit the simplistic and less contemporary sentiments and views of the people in Lawton town by proposing ‘an art gallery, an annual music festival, a literary week’ and simultaneously juxtaposes it to the ‘monstrosity’ he believes the emblem the. With its negative connotations of ugliness and disturbing, Warwick seeks to create distance within his audience from Wiley’s proposal towards a ‘cultural focus’. Like Wiley, Warwick too employs connotative language loaded with negativity to instil self-doubt within their common readership. Warwick tempers her argument to express dismay over the quality of tourists that would visit Lawton, condemning that ‘loud children and defaced vandals’ would enter the town, infiltering a sense of irritation and a need for protection within ‘our town’ of Lawton. Concluding his contrasting response to Wiley’s proposal, Warwick urges the Lawton town and its council to adopt a ‘pursuit of beauty’, seeking to engender tranquillity and gentleness within her audience if Warwick’s ideas are considered rather than Wiley’s. Warwick’s credentials of belonging to the ‘Lawton Progress Association’, seeks to silently bolster his argument by inducing into his audience more believability and trust towards his stance.

Following Warwick’s heated and dismissive letter in the newspaper targeting Wiley’s ideas, a newspaper cartoonist Gary Shaw contributes an image to this debate. The image portrays a giant, albeit sliced watermelon in the centre of the town, with excited tourists rushing towards seeing this emblem and other tourists joyfully leaving the town. A big sign post is also pictured that reads ‘LAWTON, HOME OF THE GIANT WATERMELON..’. Shaw’s jovial image takes a mostly dynamic approach to the argument, presenting both Wiley and Warwick’s point of views on the issue to the audience. While the half-cut watermelon tries to symbolise Warwick’s accusation of such an emblem arising feelings of ‘monstrosity’, the flourishing economy of Lawton too can be seen through the increase of watermelon production due to the ample number of tourists, and hence a flourishing economy. At the same time however, Shaw further presents Warwick’s views through the aforementioned sign post, suggesting the hollowness and lack of diversity of Lawton. Despite that, ultimately the clear skies and happy tourists indicates a sparkling and optimistic future for Lawton after the adoption of Wiley’s proposal.

[andytime]

I'm going to give you some feedback but since I'm currently a Year 12 student completing English as well, take what I comment with a grain of salt and make sure you send it to your teacher if they're willing to correct stuff over the weekend! 

Every town seeks to attract tourists to improve their economy and councils often are seen debating, sometimes conflictingly on the ways to increase their touristic appeal. As such, the Mayor of Lawton, Councillor Alexandra Wiley in her weekly column passionately (the use of adverbs such as this one is effective in demonstrating to the assessor that you understand how the writer has presented their argument. It is a quick way of enhancing your writing and I recommend you try and do this throughout! However, make sure the adverbs you use are used correctly!!)affirms for the progress of their town after a a highwaydiversion,. Wiley contendings that a ‘giant attraction’ in the form a watermelon be built within Lawton as a tool (proposal/method of) to attract tourists in an opportunity for prosperity and success for Lawton more tourists so that the Lawton economy can flourish, especially after the diversion that Wiley feels could financially debilitate the town, instilling facts and emotive language within her argument.* In a contrastive response to Wiley's proposal, President of Lawton Progress Association Ian Warwick writes in the local newspaper. Aimed towards Wiley’s audience and Wiley herself, Warwick attempts to counter Wiley’s generic proposal, which could argues that the installation of the architectural tourist attraction will cause more harm than good,backfire for Lawton Town and candidly asserting that the asks the Council toshould reconsider their proposal. To dynamically (carries a positive connotation of innovation and may not be the best word choice as you later mention that the image is satirical) emphasise the issue, the excerpt is accompanied by a cartoon (be specific where possible!!) image that satirically taunts the Council’s proposal.
* Aim to keep the introduction concise. It isn't necessary to signpost techniques in the introduction but if your teacher says you should, then follow their instruction as they will be marking your SAC.

Wiley’s commences her piece by assertively piece commences by her assertively (great use of adverb!) recognising the ‘resultant peace’ after the recent highwaydiversion, within the town of Lawton, and as mayor, seekings to establish rapport with the town, also her audience by using phrases such as ‘cross the street for a chat..’ and ‘glad to leave our windows open without the fear of dust’ that could occur as a result of tourism.(Wiley doesn't mention these things as a result of tourism but actually opens up her piece with the positives of the highway diversion, saying that since it happened, the town has been able to experience these good things. She acknowledges these things to demonstrate to her citizens that she does appreciate this tranquility. She then quickly transitions to a concerned tone as you have already pointed out, revealing to them the consequences of this peace ultimately to position the citizens to become more receptive to the proposal she is about to make - remember she hasn't actually announce her watermelon idea but instead slowly eases into it by making her citizens feel concerned over the future of the town that they love! Hopefully this explanation makes sense!!) However, her tone quickly modulates into a concerned one, cautioning her audience by writing that ‘there is a downside to this’ type of life, and descends into her main arguments. Wiley seeks to emphasise on the diminishing future of the town, hollowly calling it ‘a ghost town’ in an attempt to swiftly instil shock within her audience of the consequences if this ‘peaceful’ environment is permanent. (When you analyse, you must include the WHY. For example, you say that Wiley calls it a 'ghost town' in order to shock her audience but you haven't touched on why she does that. Wiley doesn't instil shock in them for no reason, she instills shock in them to force them to imagine the potential devastating effects on the town that they have pride in. Another great way of analysing is to analsyse CONNOTATIONS  For example, "ghost town" carries connotations of unwanted isolation and an eerie atmosphere and this can instill fear in the citizens as they are forced to imagine the potential devastating effects ... and I'm sure you get the point Wiley further asserts that ‘we want cars full of people, our beautiful bakery, socialise at our historic pub.. stay at our comfortable motel’. H; (join these sentences through the use of a semi-colon!)herer almost romanticised and colourful languagevivid imagery is an attempt to provoke the town into vividly fondlypicturing a progressive and harmonious Lawton full of ‘tourists’ and visitors whose ‘money is needed’ for a stable economy.WHY does Wiley want them to picture a harmonious Lawton?) Lawton Continuesuing her piece with an enlightening tone.. Inclusively Wiley admirably and inclusively acknowledgesthat ‘our region is famous for luscious produce’ and ‘the most crisp, most succulent fruit and vegetables around’, but they need ‘an emblem’ to showcase their appeal as a town. Lawton’s gradual momentum towards her proposal of an ‘emblem’ is an effort by her to evoke collective pride within her audience over something that proudly symbolises the progressive town of Lawton, so that they may quickly commit to this large idea with questioning the validity of his proposal (You've done a 'WHY' here! Excellent!), which Ian Warwick later exploits in his urging response.

Mayor Wiley proceeds to ceremonially praise the emblem that she has proposed to attract tourists within the town. Adopting a hypothetical approach, Wiley’s selective choice of language to describe the emblem as ‘soaring’ and ‘spir[ing]’, with its loaded connotations of exhilaration and marvel Fantastic use of connotations!!)seeks to elicit a sense of spirit and further pride within her readership, consequently looking to provoke them towards the joyous acceptance of the emblem. Wiley also attempts to defend her idea by rebutting ‘the naysayers’, presenting statistics of towns with giant attractions receive 20% more visitors’ that suggest ‘all towns with giant attractions are thriving’ and exclamatorily urges that ‘visitors love them!’ to encourage her audience to completely agree with her with her idea. As she concludes her piece, Wiley, with her romanticised tone attempts to evoke universal responsibility within her audience to ‘protect our lifestyle’. By using ‘protect’ Wiley almost refers to Lawton as an economically endangered town to elicit sympathy for Lawton within her audience that would only, and infersexpressing that it would would only be possible through an emblem and therefore the establishment of the tourist attraction. Her last sentence gently requests her audience ‘to support this exciting idea’ that could make ‘Lawton a truly great town!’, to evoke appeasement within the people of Lawton and wholeheartedly asks them to agree with this idea for the gradual betterment and rise of their very own town.

Much better paragraph as not only do you mention what Wiley does, you further your analysis with how and why Wiley constructs her argument in this way!

In response to Mayor Wiley’s advocative weekly column, Ian Warwick adamantly refutes the proposal. writes against the ‘attraction’. Warwick opens with an assuring tone, showing revealing (or any other word)his common concern who as hetoo ‘wants our town to survive’ amidst this unsure(choose a different word) condition. Warwick however terms the idea of an emblem to increase Lawton’s appeal as ‘a large, ugly installation’ that is paved in the country, trying to humorously picturise disgust within the Lawton community and cast an indirect attack on the Council by dismissively mocking the proposal. Warwick rhetorically asks, ‘Can’t we be different?’ to suggest his audience the triteness of Wiley’s proposal, attempting to induce doubt and questionabilityskepticism of their likely swift attraction towards Wiley’s ideas. Warwick proceeds to exploit the simplistic and less contemporary sentiments and views of the people in Lawton town by proposing ‘an art gallery, an annual music festival, a literary week’ and simultaneously juxtaposes it to the ‘monstrosity’ he believes the emblem the.to be. With its negative connotations of ugliness and disturbing, Warwick seeks to create distance within his audience from Wiley’s proposal towards a ‘cultural focus’. Like Wiley, Warwick too employs connotative language loaded with negativity to instil self-doubt within their common readership. Warwick tempers her argument to express dismay over the quality of tourists that would visit Lawton, condemning that ‘loud children and defaced vandals’ would enter the town, infiltering evokinga sense of irritation and a need for protection within ‘our town’ of Lawton. Concluding his contrasting response to Wiley’s proposal, Warwick urges the Lawton town and its council to adopt a ‘pursuit of beauty’, seeking to engender a sense of tranquillity and gentleness within her audience if Warwick’s ideas are considered rather than Wiley’s. Warwick’s credentials of belonging to the ‘Lawton Progress Association’, seeks to silently (maybe the word subtly could be better?) bolster his argument by inducing into his audience more believability credibilityand trust towards his stance.

Following Warwick’s heated and dismissive letter in the newspaper targeting Wiley’s ideas, a newspaper cartoonist Gary Shaw contributes an image to this debate. The imagecartoon portrays a giant, albeit sliced watermelon in the centre of the town, with excited tourists rushing towards seeing this emblem and other tourists joyfully leaving the town. A big sign post is also pictured that reads ‘LAWTON, HOME OF THE GIANT WATERMELON..’. Shaw’s jovial image takes a mostly dynamic approach to the argument, presenting both Wiley and Warwick’s point of views on the issue to the audience. While the half-cut watermelon tries to symbolise Warwick’s accusation of such an emblem arising feelings of ‘monstrosity’, the flourishing economy of Lawton too can be seen through the increase of watermelon production due to the ample number of tourists, and hence a flourishing economy. At the same time however, Shaw further presents Warwick’s views through the aforementioned sign post, suggesting the hollowness and lack of diversity of Lawton. Despite that, ultimately the clear skies and happy tourists indicates a sparkling and optimistic future for Lawton after the adoption of Wiley’s proposal.
In your introduction, you state that the intent of the image is to taunt the proposal of building the watermelon, however you change it in your analysis, saying that it supports both Wiley and Warwick's viewpoints. In your analysis of the visual as is, you lack the WHY element. I think it would be easier to analyse how the visual supports one of their arguments as opposed to both.

Overall, a solid effort, well done! Remember to do some practice in timed conditions to replicate what it would be like in the SAC - I can guarantee that time fliesssss! Your essay is already rather long and you haven't done a conclusion so make sure to allocate time effectively! Don't forget to analyse the why and potentially consider where best to analyse the image as opposed to leaving it to the end and analysing it separate from the arguments! Good luck for your SAC viralcricstar!