Comparative Essay - Introduction Feedback :)

[Jaijai]

Hello,
Could you please provide constructive feedback on my comparative essay introduction.
Thanks in advance.

Prompt: Does adversity enable us to discover who we truly are? Discuss with reference to The Happiest Refugee and Harvie Krumpet.

Adversity enables us to discover who we truly are. Anh Do's 2010 memoir, The Happiest Refugee, explores the theme of adversity as it portrays the extraordinary true story of Anh Do. Similarly, the theme of adversity is portrayed in Adam Elliot's 2003 clay animation, Harvie Krumpet. Harvie Krumpet, the protagonists of Harvie Krumpet, has a life filled with unfortunate events. Harvie travels to Australia for political refuge when his parents die and Germany invades Poland during World War 2. In contrast, Anh Do and his family escape Vietnam due to the new Communist Government that formed after the Vietnam War. Adversity related to character development, family and happiness leads to the discovery of identity.

[Bell9565]

Hey Jaijai, I've noticed you've only made a couple of posts on ATAR notes so welcome and I hope everyone makes you feel welcome

Now disclaimer I don't do these two texts so here's just some general feedback - looking good so far though!

1) In the first sentence, maybe try not to directly quote the essay topic, rather - make a broad statement about the two texts
2) Attempt to have slightly longer sentences as it will allow you to have more comparison. Here's an example i have on the texts I'm doing (Black Diggers and Longest Memory)
- Although they are set in different time periods, both texts highlight the adversity faced by those oppressed
vs.
- Despite the differing historical contexts of the texts, both authors emphasise the adverse consequences following the trauma faced by individuals whose lives are controlled a domineering power.
Although neither sentence is perfect, the longer 25+ word sentences allow for a bit more explanation
3) In the introduction,  we're often told to talk about the ideas which are going to follow in the essay, rather than retelling the story - this is mentioned on last year's examination report. You can still reference this to a degree but perhaps in one sentence - then spend longer on explaining the character development, family and happiness.

Just some ideas, even if you just read them as a bit of food for thought, I hope I helped a little. 

[OZLexico]

I agree with Bell9565 but also ... you could look for some synonyms for "adversity" to avoid sounding repetitive. Also, while I agree that you should keep your introduction brief, you could perhaps give a bit more indication of your main points (e.g. character development from what to ?  as in developing from spontaneous decision making for survival to ...  making decisions that show belief and confidence in the future).  How does the idea of "happiness" change and develop in your two texts?