Advice On My Essay Plan, Contention & Topic Sentences

[J_Rho]

Prompt:  "Let's get this over with. We've probably all got things to do"
The play suggests that few people do what is right; most people do what is expedient. Discuss

Contention: Reginald Rose’s play ‘Twelve Angry Men’ suggests to readers that what most people do is convenient and at times immoral.

Paragraph One:
MAIN IDEA
100% convenient actions(often immoral or personal)

EVIDENCE IDEAS
Demonstrated by jurors 7 & 3
3rd juror - very emotional and brings in baggage and isnt open minded
7th juror - hedonistic and wants to leave asap - doesnt care whatsoever as he only changes his vote to not guilty cause he wants to leave

TOPIC SENTENCE
Throughout the play many of the jurors want what is most personally convenient to them, therefore neglecting their responsibility of deliberating honestly and thoughtfully

Paragraph Two
MAIN IDEA
100% moral actions(often inconvenient often impersonal)

EVIDENCE IDEAS
Demonstrated by juror 8  says he doesnt know if the boy is innocent/guilty but thinks they need to deliberate ‘properly’ as they have a mans life in their hands
11th juror - respects democracy and is fair, respectful and honest
9th juror - open minded, commpassinate, thoughtful & wants justice

TOPIC SENTENCE Few jurors, throughout the play, chose to do what is seen as moral and potentially inconvenient to their personal lives in order to deliberate honestly and thoughtfully.

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Basically I'm shit at writing essays and am trying to improve clarity of ideas and this is what I've got so far.

[TSEtuition]

Hi JadeRhoden,

It doesn't look too shabby thus far! You are missing a third paragraph, though, so I'd suggest you work on that asap If you get stuck I've got a video here on brainstorming for essays: https://youtu.be/rdAnskFrDbY

Here's some specific feedback by paragraph:

Paragraph 1:
Your topic sentence is mostly a fact - try to incorporate some opinion in there and you'll find it easier to find things to write about once you start writing. Like, why is 'convenience' so important to these jurors? What do they value about it? What exactly makes the process 'inconvenient'? Inconvenient in what way? Time? Emotion? Energy?

Paragraph 2:
Your topic sentence sounds like you're arguing that people are not doing what is inconvenient. A clearer way of phrasing it would be 'Some jurors throughout the play are willing to act morally even though it is inconvenient to them.' I wouldn't use that though - it still needs a little more opinion in there to make it a good topic sentence. Try and clarify what you mean by 'morally' and why that's important to these jurors.

Hope this helps!

~Shirlaine from TSEtuition