Hey there,
I am so so glad you started a journal.
I definitely underestimated how much effort goes into getting a high atar, I don’t think we’re ever really sure of how much if ‘enough’ especially with the study tubers (who I mostly really enjoy watching), posting videos of their 10 and 12 hour study days. It makes you feel like nothing you’ll ever do is good enough. How do you know you’re putting in 100%? Personally when I go into a test/sac/exam and come out knowing there was absolutely nothing more I could have possibly done, and it’s not in my hands anymore, that’s when I know. I too have a lot of habits I wish to change going into Term 3, it’s not over until the exam. I have done a lot that hasn’t reflected my characteristics and what I truly want as well, for various reasons. But I think keeping in mind why you are doing this is crucial. What are your future goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams? I know I want to look back and know I could not have worked any harder, and achieved any more, because I did give my everything. I remember reading a past student saying you will never wish you studied or did less, you don’t want to have any regrets. It’s the end of Term 2, not the end of Year 12. You still have a term and then two months to redeem yourself, and get your desired atar.
Having a teacher who believes in you and your abilities is wonderful. When you lack confidence in yourself, and the motivation to do well, they believe in you, and you want to give back to them in a sense by excelling. What do you think your fear of doing well in Literature, doing your best, what is the root of it? Please don’t put yourself down, it is excellent you have recognised your weaknesses, it is just imperative you know decide how you will wield those weaknesses and turn them into strengths. How are you going to change? What will you do differently now? That’s what you need to think about. It is up to you. Only you can change what you want to in terms of your current habits. And you can. You are capable. Believe in yourself.
I am also used to talking to myself, and my diaries I have kept over the years have been very dear to me for that reason. I resonate with that so much. What you need to remember it that it’s not you. It’s not your fault if people don’t see who you are inside. School just like it’s not mine, and never has been our place. But you will find your place, later in life, where you will meet people you genuinely care about you, and invest in having a relationship. I can tell you it doesn’t really matter anyway because most people are just ‘friends’ because they are in the same place 5 days a week for 6 hours. After school is over, you’ll never see these people again, and most people won’t even be friends, because it was all just superficial anyway. School is just filled with toxic people anyway, who aren’t worth your time, energy or even worth knowing you.
Please keep drawing, whatever you like, just even for 10 minutes before bed. Don’t stop doing what brings you joy and peace inside. The news is often too much for me as well, I used to always keep up with it, but now find it too overwhelming most of the time. Take each day at a time. Of course it’s valid being scared of next year, and the unknown, all the new experiences and things you’ll have to learn, but you will continue to learn and grow in time, don’t pressure yourself about having to metamorphose into a perfect ‘adult’ who knows how to do it all, it will all fall into place, just take it slowly, and I can promise you that you will learn social skills in time as well, it is very difficult to have been truly yourself and express who you are and develop yourself socially in a constricted, toxic, trash environment as high school is. And also, I absolutely love long posts opposed to short ones, so keep them coming, but if you’ve said writing too often places too much stress and pressure on you that’s okay. Do what works for you.
Overall, you have been very critical of yourself. And I understand that, believe me. We are our own harshest critics. But remember, when you keep criticising you are separating yourself from the process. Set smaller, achievable goals, and recognise your progress and feel good about what you’re accomplishing, no matter how small it may be. Dig deep and figure out why you are doing certain things, having a fixed mindset, whatever it may be, and write specific steps of how you will tackle it and better yourself and your habits. Work on improving and then recognise your efforts and achievements and do what makes you happy. Thinking positively is not easy by any means, never has been for me, but slowly, step by step, it will come to you.
So focus on what you can control, and that’s your habits, work ethic, determination, diligence, consistency. And then, the results both now, and at the end of the year will fall into place. And changes don’t just happen. They take time.
Again, school is just a terrible place. I find it sad that wanting to just be alone, and like you said, doing puzzles was something you enjoyed doing at lunch, has so many negative connotations by the judgemental, toxic, horrible people at school. Not ‘fitting in’ or adhering to ‘the norms’ means you’re an outcast. I’ve thought about doing art at lunch, I always loved both writing and art to just express myself and escape. I am planning to learn languages next year onwards, I learnt so many but never to the level I was fluent.
Please please remember it is not you. School isn’t the place you find true friends, or lifelong friends. How could you, when it’s such a disgusting place? I completely understand how you feel. You just have not found your people. You will though, remember that. You will find people who value and care and appreciate and love you, and see who you are inside, and you will be able to feel a bit more whole again, renewed, with true friends who cherish you. You will find your place, and your people, I promise.
I have wholeheartedly enjoyed reading your journal because I identify with a lot of things you have talked about, which I hope may give you some solace, as it has for me. Take care.