penelope's (attempt at a) VCE journal

[dedformed]

Year 12, Episode 6.
I May be just going with the flow, and now it's June.  

hello peeps,

I haven't written an update in ages and that's because - you guessed it, no, it's not because I'm super busy - it's because I literally have nothing new going on. Every day is a repetition of the previous, lockdown, no lockdown I stare at a SAC calendar. One's over? Good on you, there's another one. I've kinda been busy too so I have been a ghost on AN so I'm sorry if I don't appear on people's journals until I decide to binge read them after my Chem exam in November 9. I don't know how interesting my journal entries are, but I think it's good accountability and last year it really motivated me to see other year 12s on here. So I'll just continue writing and see where it takes me.

At this point I've become immune to the scores that get stamped to label every bit of effort I put in. Do I put in effort? Well most of the time, yes. I try to get in as much practice as I can for each SAC. Eng lang? Write a few practice ACs. Spesh? Methods? Practice exams. Chemistry? Grind Checkpoints.

And so far I genuinely don't know how to feel about my grades. I haven't done any spec sacs (was gonna have one friday but that got sacked haha, and lucky for me, because I'd had a sac every day last week and was too burnt out to survive another one). But I've gotten a decent few sacs back and I've stopped asking what the cohort average was. I don't know if I'm doing enough for an ATAR competitive enough to get me where I want. Sometimes I randomly jump in on ATARcalculator, fantasise some study scores and go, oh here's my range, between 97 and 98.5, but even that seems a stretch. Me? a potatoe? In the top three percent of the state, with this work ethic? No way. Then again, is that even enough? It's all a battle between self confidence and self doubt. But I rarely do that anymore. I just do the work I need to do and move on. It'll take me where I need to be. The year just seems like a long run, and I've stopped looking at how many kilometres I'm running, I know I need to finish it to the best of my ability regardless of whether I'm first in the marathon or not. And to be honest, I think that's a good mindset to have. Yes, sometimes I get disappointed by SAC scores and it's annoying, but I don't have half as many mental breakdowns as last year and I think it's been very good for my mental health. Just go with the flow and trust the process.

UCAT unwise, I'm still lacking in many aspects. I've booked in for August 3 (it was gonna be in July before but I didn't think I was prepped enough, so I moved it). That's roughly a few days before I complete my 18th revolution around the sun stuck to this rock we call earth.

It's strange how Year 12 is so hyped up and it's like THE year where your buds blower and your bosoms blossom whatever, but I've felt nothing special inside me this year. I'm the same me, a little lazy but still motivated enough to get under the deadline. I still sleep in until three minutes before I need to leave for school some mornings.  I still wake up at 3 am sometimes because I get this spike of motivation to turn my life around.

One thing I am glad about is having just four subjects. I need to write a massive recommendation post at some point this year highly promoting the importance of doing a 3/4 in Year 11, if not multiple. It's been AWESOME to have 10 frees a week.    Really, really recommend it to anyone that is able to do 2 3/4s. Just get it out of the way, if you can. It helps.

Okayyy so I'll wrap it here because I have another class to attend. Good luck to everyone! Hope y'all are taking care of yourself in lockdown:)

Yeeting my mageets,
Nelope, Pe.

[dedformed]

I didn't think I'll be up here at 6am writing up a rant post buT the more you know. Edit: I just reread it and realised I've lost my sense of tenses.

I had a Spesh sac a a while ago and it went terrible. Reading my previous entry about how I'm just cruising with the flow of things, turns out that can have contradicting results if I do terrible.

You know, I sat in the test room pretty calm. I try to control my breathing during assessments because otherwise my brain goes haywire and will not fire neurons correctly. I don't have any diagnosed mental illnesses, and I'm certain there's people out there that have it worse but I usually eat my hands out by the end of a sac due to nerves if I'm not consciously aware of my fright response.

So anyway, our teacher was away and we had a sub run the sac for us. This guy clearly has no idea how the sac is meant to be started. Usually, our spec teacher would give us a lil pep talk, and make sure the room is quiet before starting reading time. This guy goes "please switch off mobile phones", which is strange given that we shouldn't have had them on us in the first place, so I'm like okay, maybe he isn't a year 12 teacher.

Reading time starts. People are still walking in to the SAC. There's someone yelling in the corridor and it's louder than my braincells trying to communicate what the words are saying.

The lights are so dim I cant see. I try to look at my page but it's unfocussed, and the letters just glare back at me without emitting meaning. I know everything required to answer the questions. The semantic field pops out to me - okay, I need to use certain formulae. I analyse the register of the text, but this is a maths sac, not an English Language task.

I raise my hand "could you please turn up the lights", I say, but I don't know how that would help.

The lights go up. A little better. I drop all my things under my chair. I'm trying to bend to get them up but I don't want to bother the person next to me so I just end up leaving it.

It's ten minutes into writing time. I haven't read anything.

I don't know what's happening. I've scribbled all over the stimulus material with all kinds of mathematical jargon but I keep repeating the same things in my head, none of it makes sense to me.

My glasses are fogging up. I look at the clock. It's been half and hour and all I've been able to do is derive a one mark question by plugging it into my CAS.

Maybe I should breath. My glasses kept slipping off my face so I just put them on my desk. I stopped. Okay. Let's focus. What is the question asking me to do?

Where was I again?

Let's skip this question. And the next.

I just want to get out of here. My hands are shaking at this point and my back is clammy.

Words, numbers. Let's go with what my Chemistry teacher always tells us to do when confronted by a tough question - write down all the formulae I know. I need to prove something using a double angle formula. I saw this exact question in the checkpoints workbook last week, only the numbers were different. I showed it to my friends and it was so exciting last week because I'd figured out how to solve it on my own.

But why isn't it working right now?

Numbers. Text. I scribble. I do awkward calculations. None of them seem to make any sense to me.

"Please stop writing now". I've written jack. Half my paper is blank. There's 25 marks to gain on this SAC. I've probably gained two, and half of it is still blank.

I don't know what happened.

I walked out of the SAC, now it's a different class. The teacher is lecturing us about some other SAC coming up soon. I vaguely hear the words but it's lost in the sea of "how did you go" whispers behind my head. "Piss easy", goes one person. "Too easy", says another. And I've probably done the same thing. When I walked out of a Bio sac last year and my teacher asked me how I went, I said "oh hell yes, it was easy". And now I understand why he told me to (politely) tone it down. Because just because I found it simple doesn't mean everyone did. Pissing is a privilege. Not everyone has a functioning respiratory system.

I love spesh, right? It's the highlight of my year. I procrastinate for other things by doing spesh questions. I'm always up to date.

It's lunchtime. I'm hanging out with friends. I'm going with the flow of things, letting it cruise. How was the spesh sac? "I think I messed it a little". Oh rip. "It is what it is though, I'm not gonna stress about it". I'm not, right? That's what my entire previous entry was about: not letting it get to me.

My SAC, I left blank. I fall asleep on the tram.

I wake up and it's still there.

The feeling of nothing. I love spesh. Atar is just a number. A ducking nothing number. I don't care about it as long as I put in effort, right?

When I get home I sat. Just like that. Face in hands (of course I washed my hands first, it's covid bois). I'm not feeling miserable. My mum asks me how I am. I just had a bad SAC. Oh, it's okay, there's always next time, I worked hard for it.

Did I?

I start sobbing. I'm doing it so mum thinks I'm guilty. I'm actually not guilty, just doing it so she doesn't blame me later, you know, I wasn't feeling guilty before this? I was literally laughing with my friends after the SAC, how could I possibly have any remorse for the amount of time I've wasted this year not studying for that SAC? I'm not guilty. Am I?

"I always overestimate myself". Or do I? Maybe it's more like I'm overconfident and I don't actually put in any work, expecting things to make sense.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I've got maths all over my arm and it all makes sense, and none of it makes sense. The ink is smudging against the moisture of my face.

It's been exactly twenty minutes. I get up and wash my face.

"Where are you going?"

"I have another four SACs to go".

 - and I need to move on.

There's a great chance I failed that SAC. Not "oh no I got 80% I failed", more like, 0-20%. I've never hit so low in my life. Ever.  I know there's plenty of opportunities to make up for it - this is our first sac but still, it's heart-breaking and nobody can help me out of the anguish of what-the-hell-happened. I don't know what happened - medicine feels like a faraway fantasy that I can only afford to imagine.

[Snow Leopard]

Hey dedformed,

Sorry to hear your SAC didn't go well.
How have you been lately?

[dedformed]

Hey dedformed,

Sorry to hear your SAC didn't go well.
How have you been lately?

Heyya, thanks for checking in. Of course I felt quite miserable after that SAC but all I can do is move on lol this sounds like I'm going through a break up. But that's what year 12 is, really, it's a test to your resilience. I really appreciate you asking me, this really made my morning (although I saw it ten days late, I've gotten a bit selfish with atarnotes and only read without commenting much, and often only scroll by when I find time to write up a post ;-;)

Year 12, Episode 7.
Midlife crisis - or not  

Ugh, the last time I was up on ATARnotes I was having the most miserable time having a cry, playing full edgy music because I thought I'd committed the terrible crime of not doing well on a SAC and it was the brink of the end of the world.

Alas, I was quite wrong. When I wrote that post I was going through a wave of SACs, I think I had five or six sacs just sitting on my list and it felt like everything just amounted to a bunch of hurdles I was expected to overcome while holding my breath. And of course, I can't respire anaerobically so I just ended up venting on ATARnotes.

Anyway, so life update.

It was fine.

I didn't fail lmao.

I got all my SACs for U3 back. I'm actually not doing too bad, it turns out.

Methods
I did really well for my U3 Methods SAC. It feels like a fluke tho, I kinda half guessed some things and still somehow got them right? idk it feels like I didn't put in as much work as I should have, but I did quite well? Strange, but I'm happy I guess? If flukes can carry me to along the next two SACs and I score in a similar range I might actually manage a good 40s score for methods.

English Language:
I love this subject. I love it.
I've been doing decently above average for this but I'm really enjoying the content. My teacher is awesome too. I had a one on one chat with him and he said I could do well if I maintain my scores for U4, so that's hopeful haha. Our school is a bit weak with how the Lang curriculum is delivered. I agreed with him, I was a little worried about the styles of assessment and the lack of lang teachers at the end of last year, but this teacher gives me hope. He really cares about the subject and he wants us to do well.

I'm really looking forward to U4 because I anticipate that it will fill the lack of a humanities subject that I've been feeling all year - I really regret not having done a humanities (maybe EI??) as part of my course.

Chemistry is also fun. I'm enjoying all my subjects, you see, I'm a massive nerd until it comes to assessments where I chicken out with brain blanks. I really love it, and I've been averaging near the mid 80s, so that's not too bad as long as I do well on my end of year exam.

Spesh:
Okay so I got my SAC back as a nice way to end the term.

I didn't do too bad. I actually managed to get decently above average, although I'm still disappointed at how I wasn't familiar with some of the questions in the SAC. My SAC strategy has always been to not ever walk into a SAC and see a question I've never seen before. Getting exposure is key to doing well, but I certainly did not meet that expectation for spec. I hope I can reflect on the gaps in my understanding and improve them before the end of the year exam.

Looking at how I was feeling after that sac though, I certainly overreacted a bit. I think I can still manage a decent score in the 30s for Spesh.

I know I was like, I'm not going to predict my scores or anything but I'm tempted to, given that it can be motivating at times.
Realistically, I'm thinking about
36-38 for Lang (given my school's reputation). 40ish for methods (because flukes can't carry me every sac). 42 for Chem (because that's my favourite number) and 35 for spesh (because that's the random number Siri picked between 30 and 40 when I asked).

That might land me above 98, which is an enticing number but it's entirely built upon an imaginary base, which I must admit, is a bit of a complex situation (haha, you're meant to slap your knee here). I'll see where it takes me.

UCAT wise, I'm all over the place. I was prepped in May and I was doing really well but I had this massive two month break of mental breakdowns and now I'm at square one again, or so it seems from my mocks. I've been doing quite poorly, particularly in VR, because I took a tangent with icanmed, which totally spoiled my reading strategy. Mind you, had I started in July last year and had a year to prepare, perhaps their course would have been perfect for me, but I think I already had a different approach when I started in late May and it sort of ruined my tactics. I went from getting 75% (which was already pretty average for medschool standards) to going in the low 40%s for VR and I'm still trying to recover. I have about a month until the doomsday, which happens to be a day after my next methods sac. Not losing hope yet though, gotta put my work in before getting the wage and I reckon there's enough time if I don't waste it.

One thing I do hate is the glare of the UCAT screen. It's so obnoxiously white on my screen it hurts my eyes. I've started wearing sunglasses when doing tests lol so I look like a security guard doing tests.
One thing I do like, is the VR passages have been very interesting. I've been googling all sorts of things and I discovered whay too many things that set me off on a tangent exploring stuff I read in the passages.

But everything has its ups and downs.

Agh, so yeah, here's another volume to the monologues I post here every month.

On a side note I've just been slightly disappointed by conversations I've had with a few teachers regarding VCE. There's too much stress to "play the game" and one of my teachers admitted to me that they don't care whether or not we're learning or enjoying the content as long as we're scoring well and keeping their grade average high. I found that very disheartening. I know, yes, I talk about scores like they gauge my self worth, but I do enjoy all of my subjects and that's why I'm taking them. I love learning and I particularly looked up to my Biology teacher last year who would go out of his way to answer questions regarding things that weren't even in the study design so that we'd feel interested in the content. It's not been the same this year where there's been cases where the teacher literally yelled at some of us for "being too curious" and not sticking to the study design.

I just wanna be out of the system.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[dedformed]

Year 12, Episode 8A.
Pre-UCAT mess 

HELLO BEANS (waves to my crowd)

I put so much thought into this day. I told myself, the UCAT update is going to be the 69th reply to this - clearly, unless the right number of people post here before I post my post UCAT mental breakdown, that won't happen.

But that is okay, maybe the perfect number refuses to bequeath the connotations of post UCAT pain.

I've got it all sorted. Today I get there in the morning, missing a double Chemistry, which may or may not have been deliberate on my part. I'm so behind in everything and I've become numb to it. UCAT has been consuming me, soul and everything. UCAT has bewitched me, mind and soul, Mr Darcy, I know how you felt now. It was scheduled for the 17th but I had this epiphany that I was barely making more progress and all my other VCE subjects were suffering too much because of it - perhaps UCAT wont elevate me but doesn't mean I break my other escalators. I have a Chemistry SAC on Monday and I have absolutely done no prep - all year I would be doing practice questions at least a week before each SAC and this time I haven't even read the chapter.

And it's not that I've been studying my buttocks off for the UCAT, I very much have a lot of butt left despite the frequency of "lmao" in my texts. It's just that I'm so burnt out and tired that I just need to move past it. I'll go in there today, do my absolute best, and then see what happens. VTAC applications are open and hell, I'm excited. If UCAT doesn't work, I can accept that and consider a proper back up plan. It's okay to not do well. I know I'm probably gonna cry a bit and have a bit of a crisis but who doesn't. This is VCE.

On the note of crying, I've got a bunch of options. I know there's a breakdown on the way, I'm generally a very emotional person, but I just wanna make it a bit more fun, ya know. So I've got three options post testing. I either go back to school to English Language and be a brave girl and cry when I get home, I could go home directly and cry dramatically on the train, but I spoke to my friend and she recommended something that changed my entire outlook.

I COULD GO TO MYER.

So here's the rough plan. I do makeup. I dress up like a handsome beast. I wear a little mascara, and grab expensive facial tissue. Graceful like a queen, I go into the test, stay hydrated and stress pee because why not. Then I take the test and do a post stress pee because I probably doused my insides with enough water for them to start turning hippo in the hypotonic environment (yes that's how I remembered it).

THEN I GO TO MYER.

Here I pick the most extravagant outfit I can find. Even more extravagant than what I dress up as. I donn this beauty in the changing rooms and look into the mirror. This is an emotional moment. I look into my eyes. Take my mask off, and sanitise my hands.

THEN I CRY.

This is a release of emotions. A relief. I'm happy. I'm lighter. I'm calm.

This is the end of it. The stress from the past six weeks. I'm over it.

This is the moment. My mascara smudges down my face and I blot it with expensive tissue. My snot glistens in the perfect lighting of the changing room. Maybe I could play some emotional music to make the moment more poignant. The breeze kisses my cheeks subtly, and I feel a cool tickle as the moisture of my tears glistens in the light.

The moment is perfect. I'm alone. The sun is at its zenith.

Obama is there.

And then, I can go home. Calmed down, study for Chemistry on Monday. Catch up to spesh. Get on with the rest of my life.

Because this whole thing, I'm making it so dramatic so might as well add costume and do the whole ritual. I'm gonna look back at this and think how ridiculous it was to stress over such a small thing in the big scheme of life. Might as well make it memorable.

I can do this, guys. I can try my best, because that's the only thing I can control about this situation.

I'll post an update sooner or later. Good luck, me. Perhaps also Good hard-work, because luck can only meet you halfway there.

*this post was not sponsored by Myer*

[The Cat In The Hat]

Year 12, Episode 8A.
Pre-UCAT mess 

HELLO BEANS (waves to my crowd)

I put so much thought into this day. I told myself, the UCAT update is going to be the 69th reply to this - clearly, unless the right number of people post here before I post my post UCAT mental breakdown, that won't happen.

But that is okay, maybe the perfect number refuses to bequeath the connotations of post UCAT pain.

I've got it all sorted. Today I get there in the morning, missing a double Chemistry, which may or may not have been deliberate on my part. I'm so behind in everything and I've become numb to it. UCAT has been consuming me, soul and everything. UCAT has bewitched me, mind and soul, Mr Darcy, I know how you felt now. It was scheduled for the 17th but I had this epiphany that I was barely making more progress and all my other VCE subjects were suffering too much because of it - perhaps UCAT wont elevate me but doesn't mean I break my other escalators. I have a Chemistry SAC on Monday and I have absolutely done no prep - all year I would be doing practice questions at least a week before each SAC and this time I haven't even read the chapter.

And it's not that I've been studying my buttocks off for the UCAT, I very much have a lot of butt left despite the frequency of "lmao" in my texts. It's just that I'm so burnt out and tired that I just need to move past it. I'll go in there today, do my absolute best, and then see what happens. VTAC applications are open and hell, I'm excited. If UCAT doesn't work, I can accept that and consider a proper back up plan. It's okay to not do well. I know I'm probably gonna cry a bit and have a bit of a crisis but who doesn't. This is VCE.

On the note of crying, I've got a bunch of options. I know there's a breakdown on the way, I'm generally a very emotional person, but I just wanna make it a bit more fun, ya know. So I've got three options post testing. I either go back to school to English Language and be a brave girl and cry when I get home, I could go home directly and cry dramatically on the train, but I spoke to my friend and she recommended something that changed my entire outlook.

I COULD GO TO MYER.

So here's the rough plan. I do makeup. I dress up like a handsome beast. I wear a little mascara, and grab expensive facial tissue. Graceful like a queen, I go into the test, stay hydrated and stress pee because why not. Then I take the test and do a post stress pee because I probably doused my insides with enough water for them to start turning hippo in the hypotonic environment (yes that's how I remembered it).

THEN I GO TO MYER.

Here I pick the most extravagant outfit I can find. Even more extravagant than what I dress up as. I donn this beauty in the changing rooms and look into the mirror. This is an emotional moment. I look into my eyes. Take my mask off, and sanitise my hands.

THEN I CRY.

This is a release of emotions. A relief. I'm happy. I'm lighter. I'm calm.

This is the end of it. The stress from the past six weeks. I'm over it.

This is the moment. My mascara smudges down my face and I blot it with expensive tissue. My snot glistens in the perfect lighting of the changing room. Maybe I could play some emotional music to make the moment more poignant. The breeze kisses my cheeks subtly, and I feel a cool tickle as the moisture of my tears glistens in the light.

The moment is perfect. I'm alone. The sun is at its zenith.

Obama is there.

And then, I can go home. Calmed down, study for Chemistry on Monday. Catch up to spesh. Get on with the rest of my life.

Because this whole thing, I'm making it so dramatic so might as well add costume and do the whole ritual. I'm gonna look back at this and think how ridiculous it was to stress over such a small thing in the big scheme of life. Might as well make it memorable.

I can do this, guys. I can try my best, because that's the only thing I can control about this situation.

I'll post an update sooner or later. Good luck, me. Perhaps also Good hard-work, because luck can only meet you halfway there.

*this post was not sponsored by Myer*

Hopefully you don't go into the UCAT and tell it why it is beneath you, Mr Darcy style.

I hope it all goes well. I hope you do as well as you can and don't stress too much (although stress, of course, is normal). Try your best; I know you can do it!

[wingdings2791]

PENELOPE! Not that you need it in any capacity but I wish you THE BEST OF LUCK!!!! You'd better get in that testing room with your oversized brain choc-a-block with AR patterns, runway-worthy couture, and Pulitzer-Prize-winning poetry and absolutely SMASH that UCAT to pieces! If anyone can do it, it's you

I guess it's stupid, me saying not to worry too much, but don't stress out! You know what you're doing and the hard work you've put in for this test is honestly inspiration to so many of us fellow UCAT takers and year 12 students. (and remember you've always got David Jones as plan B xd) You got this!

[dedformed]

PENELOPE! Not that you need it in any capacity but I wish you THE BEST OF LUCK!!!! You'd better get in that testing room with your oversized brain choc-a-block with AR patterns, runway-worthy couture, and Pulitzer-Prize-winning poetry and absolutely SMASH that UCAT to pieces! If anyone can do it, it's you

I guess it's stupid, me saying not to worry too much, but don't stress out! You know what you're doing and the hard work you've put in for this test is honestly inspiration to so many of us fellow UCAT takers and year 12 students. (and remember you've always got David Jones as plan B xd) You got this!

You willing to be a reference for my David Jones job application?

Thanks tho this made me smile hahaha

Hopefully you don't go into the UCAT and tell it why it is beneath you, Mr Darcy style.

I hope it all goes well. I hope you do as well as you can and don't stress too much (although stress, of course, is normal). Try your best; I know you can do it!

Thank you! I took the wikihows on how to breathe really seriously so it helped not to stress hehehe.

Unfortunately, to my scores, I don't love, love, love you, whoops.

Anywayyyy as promised:

Year 12, Episode 8B.
Not the 69th reply in this thread  

Edit: omg had i not rescheduled my ucat to today I would've had to delay it by another week, im so grateful!

On my way home now. I got there superrr early. Couldn't find the place at first, it's a very cramped spot on the fifth floor of a strange building in front of China town.

There was nobody there when I walked in. Eerily quiet. The walls were kind of peeling off and a baby pink emanated through dull lights. There was a printed page that said "pearson vue" sticky taped oddly and one of the corners was peeling off. It felt like an Indian passport office my parents went to when I was five.

I wasnt feeling particularly nervous, somehow. There were toilets but it looked so shady I held my stress pee in. I had to wait about ten minutes before they opened the place and let me in. Signed some papers, took an ID photo.

They offered me to start early, and nobody was inside when I did. When I finished VR I stretched my neck and the room was full off people. It was an odd experience. Time just flew. I tended to get distracted in mocks if someone talked but today it was just me and the screen ahead (and maybe the guy 1.5m beside me that kept aggressively shaking his leg, hope you're okay). I had done enough mocks for it to feel like routine and it was okay in that aspect. Nothing new.

When I finished I was oddly energised. Obama wasn't there.
 
I didn't need the Myer ritual, it seemed.

 I walked to school, in time for period 3, my fancy boots forming a rhythm along the cracked city footpaths.

And there it was, lurking in my inbox, the email.  The end of it.

probably the only thing of interest, also they're not  med school worthy for someone like me with no seas

VR 630
DM 690
QR 730
AR  670
Overall: 2720
SJT 554

I honestly didn't know how to feel. I dont know what percentile this entails but certainly below 80th, so there's my expectations out of the window, if I had any. Oddly, I was underwhelmed. I had rescheduled my UCAT half a dozen times and I was so over it. I certainly have no hopes for Monash now but of course it is what it is and I'm gonna put in the work for my ATAR and see where it takes me.

Here I am now, heels sore in these wedged boots, considering buying myself a neck pillow to sleep on the train ride home. Tomorrow I'm turning 18 haha maybe if someone's looking for present ideas *wink wink* (although I might have to call the police if people actually figure out my address).

Cheerios:)
Penelope

[The Cat In The Hat]

Well, it's over with, now you don't have to worry about it.
I love the way you write these kinds of things, it's oddly immersive.

[dedformed]

Firstly, thank you to everyone that PM'd me and sent kind words and birthday wishes. Really appreciated them. It was a bit hard accepting my score but everyone's words and support really helped me get it together.

Well, it's over with, now you don't have to worry about it.
I love the way you write these kinds of things, it's oddly immersive.

DID I JUST GET COMPLIMENTED BY CAT IN THE HAT?! I know this sounds odd but I was in the living room yesterday when I read this and I was beaming so hard my parents started questioning what was wrong with me. It's like getting an art compliment from Bob Ross himself. I LOVE your writing and this compliment is going to stick to me like that one from primary school where this really pretty girl said I have a nice nose.

Talking of compliments, why are people so conservative when it comes to expressing appreciation? We need to normalise complimenting and not feeling like it's disingenuous. 

ANyway, I digress

Year 12, Episode 9.
Reply#69: UNI PREFERENCES   

(I guess that's what the special number was reserved for, hehe). Yes, I am mentally 12 years old. I think this is funny. Fight me.

No. I'm not happy at all. We're in the middle of an extended lockdown and you're asking me if I'm happy? You serious?

My emails have been SPAMMED with unis convincing me they've got the tea for me, open day letters and whatnot. I've applied to EVERY SINGLE University that offers medicine in the country (or I'm almost there, at least) and somewhere in the process my phone number's landed in the hands of people that daily try to convince me my social security number is compromised, my non-existent bank account is locked right now and that Suzie (5km) wants to text me. I feel like a CEO. With my rising fame, the serotonin surges from notifications on my phone have been replaced with dread.

But I'm actually not sad.

I've got 4 SACs to go, one for every subject. And they're all pretty much in different weeks. Really looking forward to ending this term and getting smashing on that exam prep - which I'm really looking forward to - just questions, not balancing new content with old content while prepping for 10 different assessments.

Had a Lang SAC online this week, a Chem SAC last week. Sitting assessments in my bedroom with the TV screeching downstairs feels very bizarre and I'm still not sure how they're going to validate assessments that aren't open book? Just trust people to do the right thing? Sure. I hold myself back from breaking any rules but I know plenty of people that couldn't care less. Will leave that to the schools I guess. I can only control what I do.

I submitted my preferences for VTAC too.

So far, it goes:

I've got everything to fulfil the Asian stereotype (perhaps a tad of engineering might be the cherry on top). Good news is, all these courses interest me greatly and even if I don't land any interstate offers I'll be happy with them. I am very passionate about medicine and health and will almost certainly take the graduate test later but if I have three years to do a different bachelors might as well do something different.

A lot of my friends are taking biomed but it doesn't seem to interest me as much because the only pathway down that track is research (if I don't make it to medicine later), which is very cool, but I want to explore something more unique. My dad's been suggesting I experiment with commerce/ IT a little bit but I know very little about those streams so I need to do more research. I'm happy to do things that are different - the world is full of stuff to learn and it's the learning that excites me rather than any particular field. Medicine is my top priority since it's the combination of altruistic values and aligns with my values and it feels more like a lifestyle than just a career but it's not the be all end all (affirmations, ya knowwww).

Asked my teachers if they could send me a predicted ATAR thingo but they said it's confidential ;-; Only person who was happy to estimate for me was Lang teacher, who said 41-44. Hopefully I can stick to that, just got one more SAC to go! Lang has been much more fun that I ever expected, I'm enjoying it so much and all the content is just amazing to the point where I'm considering adding some Arts to my VTAC preferences.

Maybe I'll do one last update when all my SACs are over to set some September goals. You know, so my million followers don't feel disappointed by the inconsistency. But this journaling is very cathartic - reading everyone else's stories inspires me so much, especially the old completed journeys of people from previous years. I'd love to have people read my journal if they find VCE overwhelming so they realise it's normal to have breakdowns and burnout and feel like crap and even be excited when Deakin's Study score calculator pumps out some magic study score they never even dreamt they could achieve. It's a rollercoaster and it's reassuring to remind myself that this experience isn't just me, it's every VCE student.

Good luck to people with their final assessments and stay safe! Gonna try to get vaccinated soon as well hopefully get that Bio knowledge from U3 pumping into practicality.

If you ever need support or want to rant about VCE together my PMs are forever open!

 WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS!

(i just discovered how to use images on ATARnotes - and I've been on here for at least 5 years lmao).

<end quote>

[Chocolatemilkshake]

YES an update! Love this journal! Congrats on submitting VTAC (and all the other -TAC) preferences penelope, it's a step closer to next year (when you'll be free of yr 12 forever). All the best for your last 4 SACs, you're really at the final few hurdles 

[dedformed]

YES an update! Love this journal! Congrats on submitting VTAC (and all the other -TAC) preferences penelope, it's a step closer to next year (when you'll be free of yr 12 forever). All the best for your last 4 SACs, you're really at the final few hurdles 

Thank you!

Regarding "all the other "-TAC"" I wanted to point out that in WA, it's called TISC. TISC, like tsk, tsk, that sound of parental disappointment when I tell them I don't know how to spell Pharoah correctly. That one and SATAC get my nostrils flaring (the latter because they could have replaced the C with an N? - such party pooper behaviour).

[blueycan]

Hey Penelope! I just caught up with your journal and your posts are so entertaining I lost track of time. I hope you're doing well and that your remaining assessments are going smoothly! I noticed you put down Law as well as the med stuff in your preferences– I really admire people who have so many different interests and passion areas, even doing the UCAT is so admirable to me and I hope you're not too down on your score because I think if you put your mind to anything you'll be able to achieve it. I hope exam preparation treats you well!!

+ I'm so sorry because it's totally out of context but "pissing is a privilege" in post #61 made me quite literally spit out my water

[dedformed]

Hey Penelope! I just caught up with your journal and your posts are so entertaining I lost track of time. I hope you're doing well and that your remaining assessments are going smoothly! I noticed you put down Law as well as the med stuff in your preferences– I really admire people who have so many different interests and passion areas, even doing the UCAT is so admirable to me and I hope you're not too down on your score because I think if you put your mind to anything you'll be able to achieve it. I hope exam preparation treats you well!!

Picture a circle. Now draw a diameter on this creation, parallel to the y axis. Starting from the centre, now form a very dilated parabola inside the circle, which stops when it intersects the circle. Make it very fuzzy.

The circle represents my face. The fuzziness is the general beard trend happening with quarantine. The parabola is the massive smile you just put on my face.

tl;dr: thanks fam I appreciate it. Hope you're going smoothly too!

+ I'm so sorry because it's totally out of context but "pissing is a privilege" in post #61 made me quite literally spit out my water

Urine the right place if you want that kind of humour XD.

Year 12, Episode 10: SAC was short for SACRIFICE
   

GUYS.

I FINISHED MY LAST SAC.

THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAY. Hit submit on my last Chem SAC FOREVER. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA CRY.

Enough paralinguistic yelling. But seriously, I wanted to cry.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the subjects I've been doing for VCE, the only problem is the fact that too much of anything is bad. I enjoy studying, just like I love chocolate. But VCE feels like someone force feeding my my fortieth bar (fortieth is such a weird word) of chocolate with gooey drool dribbling down my chin and have of it smeared across the y axis I described earlier as the y axis of my face. There's stoichiometric ratios of tears, snort and caramel everywhere. Sounds disgusting, right? That's the point. I'm so sick of it, literally. SAC after SAC. Number after number being thrown at me to somehow give me a grasp of who I am. No goals outside, because there's no time for them. Especially in lockdown, this feels a bit like prison punishment.

On that note, I'm glad SAC(rifice)s are over. I just want this experience to be done. I've had enough of year 12.

Subject wise, I'm going okay. My SAC average for Chem turned out to be a tad bit lower than my crush's which makes me sad because that means we have no Chemistry together. But it's still pretty decent and I think my hopes for a 40+ still have some oxygen to fuel them, albeit all the carbon monoxide from the partial combustion kind of suffocating me.

Specialist, as expected, has let me down a bit. I'm getting my U4 indicative grade in about thirty minutes and hell, I've become so desensitised I'm ready to take any score. I felt okay on my second SAC but the mechanics/ dynamics SAC felt like words flying over my head. I cant change anything now, just focus on exam prep, so I'll just work with what I have and try to maximise my score.

Methods is OK. For some reason it's the subject I put the least amount of work in, yet it's still pretty nice to me. I find the concepts really intuitive and I hope I'm not dreaming it up and ruined my SAC because of that. I use a CASIO at a very casist TI school - wait till CASIO users become dictators and watch us treat the school with some VIP privileges - this meant that my most recent SAC was a beautiful saga of using trial and error to calculate things to FOUR FRICKING DECIMAL PLACES because the CASIO couldn't handle the questions they'd set (and MY TRIAL AND ERROR WORKED?!) I havent got my U4 grade yet but I dont think it's going to be too bad.

Then there's bae. English Language has been the best decision I've made for my VCE, after EI. I enjoy the content so much. Politician says shitty? AYYYY CONTENT. The fact that I get to talk about memes like this:

And I'VE NOT BEEN DOING BAD. I thought my English was done for - moving to Australia in Year 8, my English teachers always seemed to grimace at the sight of my essays. I thought I'd hit the epitome with Year 10 English when I got a 69% for my end of year exam, never thought it was a polynomial function with various bumps.

Welcome to my ted talk.

Life, y'all, is a trigonometric graph. It has ups and downs. And you sin a lot, cos that's how it be.

[/font]
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

And the rough patches are mostly over now. It's now all about consolidating all the info and doing the exams.

I just spent an hour compiling a massive to do list for the exam season and it turned out a lot more crowded than I thought. Person reading this, if you're in Year 11 doing a VCE subject, trust me, you have a lottery there. I was able to grind 30 practice exams for biology last year - and with a modified study design and we finished the course early -  but this year doing 5 exams per subject feels like too much work because of how much content there is. Make the best out of your year 11 vce 3/4s cuz you have a great chance of maximising your score, if you can.


OH I JUST GOT MY SPESH SCORE WHBEHJBbWGUIGBRUIBRGIRBRVB

IM OPENING THE EMAIL.

JNjirbebguibrugvn


oh.

oh.

okay.

I cant believe I spent over half an hour procrastinating here but also I DIDN'T DO BAD LOL? (relative term: if I got this score in Chem/ Lang/ Methods I would be bawling my eyes out)

Okay I went to class for a bit then.

But also WHAT?! I genuinely thought my U4 average would be the cohort average, if not lower, but it's not bad?? Of course complacency is bad but this score isn't as bad as I imagined, so I'll take that as a sign to nail it in the exams.

Let's get grinding. I think this will be my last update for the next few weeks, unless I manage a pre exam thought scatter (which is probably gonna sound like a life crisis).

I realised the spec u4 grade reveal entirely stuffed up my train of thought. I'm fine now. I know I said I was desensitised, and I am for the most part because any other year I would be crying with that grade because I've always expected more. But there, now we have a live time reaction of me getting a score back for the past term and a half of work.

I want to write a particular post which I'd completely forgotten about, but I'll do that in a different post now.


Year 12 gang, WE GOT THIS. ALMOST THERE. Good luck!


Sincerely, and traumatised from VCE
Penelope

[dedformed]

Year 12, Episode 11: Counting down, but I'm bad at maths
   

A bad, condescending, unnecessary self indulgent brag, but this is a journal, so that's the whole social purpose, innit?

I GOT TWO ENG LANG SACS BACK. MY UNIT 4 AVERAGE IS ABOVE 95%

I KNOW I SHOULDNT TALK NUMBERS BUT RJnujbrnuefb HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

We had an essay about societal attitudes and language and I passionately argued about a perspective on language policing and how it shows underlying misogynistic attitudes in some contexts. I kinda thought I was going off on a tangent, so when I saw my score I was SCREAMING. 

Like I've said, as a migrant, seeing how I started with this language, I never imagined I'd do well. And here it is, my comfort subject, lang, sitting along side my middle child, Chemistry, and the local bully, Spesh.

I also got some other SACs back but those are meh. I'm trying to cope and not have constant mental breakdowns at dinner, and it's kind of working at the expense of not doing enough practice exams and binging Nutella directly out of the jar while listening to garbage music, sometimes rolling its way through the recommendations. I've become so numb to it, it took me multiple complaints from my brother in the room across to realise I'd ended up on some obscure Russian metal song. Sometimes the music has stopped, I'm just zoned out. For really long periods of time, I'm involved in doing absolutely nothing. It's a weird feeling, being burnt out. It's like I have a sense of purpose but not the energy to move. I have stopped feeling guilty about taking breaks. I allow myself to chill if that's what I want. Of course, there's some degree of accountability, but the PostIt that was on my desk perjuring various oaths about doing thirty practice exams for spesh (like what was I thinking?) is scrunched up containing cake crumbs from last week's midnight snack.

We returned to school last week. There's an odd kind of quiet that's engulfed the study spaces. It's like everyone's groggy from the long slumber of lockdown, yet we're all sleep deprived. Ask "howyagoing" and the phatic either attracts the regular adjacency pair, "alright, thanks", or if you're into compromising some social distancing (which I do not recommend literally), "I'm tired". And words of comfort have become phatic too. It's all just "we're almost there", "just a month to go". We're just living with this sole purpose of finishing VCE. It's like the end of a run, when you can almost see your finishing spot, and you're tired and everything in your legs is begging for a break, and those weird stitches in your abdomen are tugging you down. Yet, you persist to run because you didn't come this far for nothing.

There's always regrets. I wish I'd done legal last year. Or PE instead of Spesh? Should I have applied for early entry into Law at ANU? I wish I had done further instead of spesh. I wish I'd studied harder for that one Chem SAC. I wish I'd... Freddy Mercury voice: sOMEtiMes I wiSH i'd never been born at all... But the run is over. Well, almost. No point complaining or regretting shoe choices this late. The foot ulcers have already emerged. You could have peed before starting the run, but you're close enough to the finishing point to pee later.

I  submitted my JCU application and got the confirmation of receipt. I was obsessed with it. I wrote multiple drafts, in my beautiful doctor's handwriting, only to submit my last version with flaws I wouldn't have imagined I'd tolerate back in January when I thought I'd get a 50 and a Nobel Peace Prize. I've grown increasingly complacent, but I guess resilient too. I dont mind a little risk. It's okay to prioritise things. When I sent it, I kept refreshing the AusPost website tracker. I imagined this envelope, with a little piece of me, flying all the way to Queensland in some small Town. I pictured the different hands passing around the envelope, unaware of what it contained. Today, when I got the receipt, I imagined someone undid the envelope I'd sealed, then perused words that came out of my printer. Ink that was stored in my pen. It's a weird existential crisis to have while trying to solve a spesh multiple choice question, then I realised I had lost my train of thought again.

I applied to LaTrobe's Aspire program a while ago. I've been involved in a bunch of extracurriculars so I thought, why not? It lowers ATAR threshold for Dentistry, which was my only preference. Last week, I got an email saying I had been accepted and I was over the moon. I remember my Lang teacher looked a little judgey as I stared lovestruck at my screen, amazed at the possibilities of what was ahead. It was a bit weird, since I received only an induction package, but no offer, but I called LaTrobe and they said they had some technical issues so the offers should be sent by the end of the next day. You see, since my only preference was for Dentistry, so I imagined, I now only needed a 94 to be accepted. That's crazy. I know I can almost certainly manage that much based on the aptitude and just past SACs. I was dancing on my way home. My heart was pounding with excitement. I got home, all bubbly and excited, and hyped my parents up too. 

I slept well that night, after a long time. It's almost like a burden off my shoulders. Dentistry. I now had a backup. Even if nothing worked out, I had a course that I really liked, and I could work in a medical career with.

Or so I thought.

Come morning, I still couldn't get over the excitement of having locked in an early offer. I was waiting for the actual offer, but I was over the moon, because when I tried logging into some of the free compliments that came with it, such as EdUnlimited, I was able to access the resources using my account. So it had to be legit, right?

Except, in the evening, when I got the email, I almost dropped my laptop.

" We are happy to be able to make you a conditional offer.

Conditional Offer Result
Bachelor of Health Science, Melbourne
Your efforts in community engagement are something you should be proud of, and we at La Trobe would like to reward you. Not only with an early conditional offer - but with many other rewards too..."

Just retyping this, my heart sank. I cannot express how I felt in that moment.

I was such a massive idiot. Excited for what? Nothing. I'd hyped my parents too. I had danced in my room. Now, I know Health is a good course too, but it wasn't my preference. My only preference was Dentistry, so of course when they'd sent the induction package I assumed I got it. Reasonable, right? I was just staring at the screen.

My mum passed by, and she said it was okay. "I'm still proud of you for trying", she said, and continued her work.

"Thanks, but I'm an idiot for making you guys excited."

"No you're not. This is just a pre offer anyway, there's so much more lying ahead."

"Yeah, I guess, I don't mind this, really."

And I thought I didn't.

I thought it was gonna be okay.

I woke up hours later, my parents worried, staring at me, confused.

I have no idea why. Panic attack? No idea. But I was literally wailing. It wasn't even me. I got up in the middle of the night, and before I knew it, I was just sitting there, and my body was crying. I felt almost detached, out of control. It was almost cathartic, the quivering of my chest. It felt like a burden come off. My eyes that had felt dry all week felt quenched. It was a strange experience.

And then it kept happening. I don't know why. PMS? Burn out? I have no idea. I don't have much reasoning to put through, except this comment: the system we're in, where we're conditioned into thinking the outcome of Year 12 defines us, somehow. And while we try to convince ourselves that it doesn't, deep down, some of us have internalised this neat, convenient way to quantify our self worth, albeit inaccurately.

I just want it to be over. I never imagined I'd feel so weak. But the stitches, the gravel road, the leg cramps, the need to relieve myself, they're getting out of hand. The mask too. Everyone goes through this, I know. Perhaps I'm exaggerating my athletic incompetence. But perhaps I'm verbalising something that needs to be said. Everyone goes through this. It needs to be said. If you're feeling like dried bull crap, you're not alone. Just make sure you're caring for yourself. And you have a support network. Lower social distance with some people, in an Englang way, but maintain the covid regulations.

We're almost there, guys. Keep running.

Penelope