Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

September 25, 2023, 07:37:02 am

Author Topic: could i pls get feedback for my eng oral presentation? tyyy  (Read 895 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

sarah_ihebgai

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • i used to like school till yr 11 but im trying :)
  • Respect: 0
+3
.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2022, 08:03:25 pm by sarah_ihebgai »

sodacat_

  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 26
  • 「七転び八起き。」- Fall seven times, get up eight.
  • Respect: +12
Re: could i pls get feedback for my eng oral presentation? tyyy
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2022, 09:21:21 pm »
+7
I was pretty interested in this when I first read it, and I always love editing, so here! Disclaimer: if you feel the advice doesn't fit, don't use it. This is just things I noticed that you could change if you thought it made sense.

INTRODUCTION
"In the words of Sigmund Freud, ďtime spent with cats is never wasted.Ē - This sentence sounds awkward as a first sentence, it's something that is usually expected at the end of a paragraph rather than the beginning. I think if it was reworded, it could flow with the rest of the piece well. An example (this isn't the best but it's mainly for ideas):
"Time spent with cats is never wasted," I'm sure that many of us would agree with Sigmund Freud's sentiment." This comes off as more natural, though you probably should just try different phrases until you see what sounds right. It has to sound consistent on paper and whilst it's being spoken.
And I would recommend for you to think about why you're including this quote. Is it because you agree with the sentiment? What relevance does Sigmund Freud have to your persuasive? According to my understanding he was a neurologist, but is he significant to your piece? Using him for an expert opinion is good, but unless you include something stating that he's a neurologist, it will come off as random and your audience may not know him.
"Pets donít judge us in any way and instead love us unconditionally." - Use "they" instead of "pets" and also remove "instead" for a better sentence flow.
"We always expect them to be there for us, so why canít we do the same? Itís about time we stop underestimating what caring for a pet entails. Itís much more than just providing food and a couple of toys." - This is a strong set of sentences, it's very solid. However, it needs to be rearranged for the most part. The introduction would have a lot more impact if the second sentence was the last sentence and if "about" was removed. Apart from that it's all good! It would also be a good idea to point out how humans and pets both need more than just food and toys, therefore, why can't we do the same?

1
- Just in general, you need more evidence in your arguments. I understand the emotional appeal you are using and it's great; but there needs to be evidence or statistics in there as well. When referencing Mao Mao's anxiety at the pet's, I recommend you mention a specific example of how you could sense the anxiety in order for the audience to be able to clearly picture it. You also need to discuss specific evidence. Here are two articles (which you've probably already read) that I found were good to quote.
https://academic.oup.com/bioscience/article/50/10/861/233998
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/yes-dogs-can-catch-their-owners-emotions#:~:text=A%20study%20in%20a%202018,their%20gaze%20and%20heart%20rate.
- Second last and last sentence would probably work better combined and shorter. Example:
"Pets are not emotionless, and they deserve attention for their mental health in the same way we do."

2
"Nowadays, everyone's" - Switch to "These days, everyone is"
This is the strongest paragraph (just in my opinion, I don't know which one you thought was strongest). Using your anecdotes with Mao Mao hit hardest, I think, and including her throughout the piece was both clever and interesting to read about.

3
- Instead of telling the audience "If you go ahead and google..." you should probably say something like "When googling '*insert phrase here*' most of the results are related to how ..."
"And no longer ignored" - Remove, you've already stated that it needs to be addressed.

CONCLUSION

I don't actually have anything. I really like this conclusion!

Okay, so if you have any questions about anything here, feel free to ask! And remember that this is optional and all that. Good luck on your assignment!
2022: VCE Japanese SL 1/2 []