‘Wearing a mask can sometimes protect a fragile sense of self’
Many of us would posit that our communities are accepting places in which individuals are always able to access the social and emotional resources needed to prosper through occasional ‘winters of mischance’. Though not a rule of thumb, it's suggested that you establish your contention right from the onset of your introduction. Also be sure to include some of the key terms in the prompt/topic to ascertain a sense of relevance right from the start and show the marker that you are not merely regurgitating a prepared intro as one may misconstrue this to be.Yet such an assertion requires a deeper and more probing reflection as we can often be blinded by our own easy attachment to socially dominant groups. There undoubtedly exists in our communities concrete definitions of what is, and what isn’t, This seems a bit vague.normal or ideal. To deviate from the binary perceptions of our own social ‘role’ is to risk ostracism and exclusion from those around we. Maybe relate this back to the terms 'fragile sense of self'. What effects does ostracism have on this "sense of self"? Thus, to be human can mean being a performer Nice metaphor., that is, to make the choice to wear a mask that conceals our innate sense of difference so that we feel included, or alternatively, to reveal our true persona despite the pain that it might entail.
As an individual living in a modern society, there are certain expectations about how we function and integrate with the people and institutions that are within. Social constructs that dictate our role in society can accommodate and affirm our own individual sense of identity if they are representative of who we are. A life in which there is no need to conceal our innermost thoughts and feelings so that we can conform should not be taken for granted, as not being ‘in the negative’ means that we will never have to choose between being rejected and isolated, or alternatively, being untrue to who we really are. For a young male who finds that he cannot abide by the strict conceptualisations of masculinity and sexuality in his community, the decision must be made to either accept and embrace their own innate identity, or to mask it for the sake of acceptance. You've highlighted the essential idea in your last sentence but I don't think you've explored it adequately enough.
The choice to either play a role that is not authentic to oneself, or instead, to break free from rigid social directives is incredibly difficult. As a homosexual, coming to grips with the knowledge that we will never share in certain experiences glorified by the community around we can be filled with shock, disbelief, injustice, guilt, apathy and aggression. Both conceptually and syntactically, this sentence sounds a bit dodgy. It seems that you are asserting that all humans are homosexual. Same-sex relationships are not recognised as legitimate relationships by numerous social institutions such as hospitals, churches and the government. When the immediate-delivery-Disney-fold-up-and-fairy tale potential that we first imagined and hoped for instead becomes an indifferent world of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’, what else can we feel but isolated and alone?
It is often easier to deny our own differences rather than risk marginalisation and rejection by many of the people around we us. The deep intolerance of homosexuality Try not to reuse the same examples.that still exists in today’s society carries over to workplaces and sporting clubs. Whilst such organisations may pay lip service to notions of diversity and acceptance, achievement in the corporate world and on the sporting field is often out of reach for those who diverge from accepted norms. Success in these environments depends not only on skill and determination, but on close interaction with the people around weus. Those who are ostracised and denied access to appropriate networks and mentors cannot undergo the professional advancement needed to reach to the pinnacle of their careers. For some individuals, there is little choice but to repress their innate instincts and create an imitation of themselves that is tolerated by the groups around them. However, by submitting to such social demands there is often a heavy price to pay. By forcing troubling questions about identity and sexuality to the back of our head, and trying to live an ‘ideal’, yet inauthentic, life, we risk hurting ourselves and others. By lying to those around us, or even entering into a relationship just to maintain an aura of normality, we only chance spreading the hurt that we sought to avoid. Although it may seem that we must disguise the parts of ourselves that others will not accept, in order to protect others and remain true to ourselves, we must consider being open about who we are.
You've incorporated a lot of big ideas in this paragraphs. Maybe split them into separate paragraphs and explore them separately?
Yet, in choosing not obscure what makes us different many difficulties arise.Dodgy sentence. At risk is our involvement in all that we have ever known, our relationships with peers and family members, as well as our engagement with a society that repudiates who we are. The crucial need for belonging is compromised, as one who chooses to diverge from the mainstream is destined to be outcast. Furthermore, in identifying oneself as a member of a minority group, the same type of pressure to conform is applied, albeit in a much smaller microcosm. If the young gay male openly announces his sexuality to othersAgain, try not to reuse the same examples., more, if not different, societal expectations are placed upon how he should act. Will he adopt the ironic and camp modes of communication or embrace the performance customs and superficial mores that have been typified by the gay subculture? Being involved in any group involves some sacrifice as we have to mould who we areto fit in and enjoy the resulting sense of belonging. However, so that we can express an authentic image of ourselves, we must strive to surround ourselves with people who best affirm our own sense of who we are and provide us with the insight that allows us to remain positive, despite what others may say.
The need to belong and identify with other humans is innate and an extremely important factor of living a happy and fulfilled life. To simply comply with the binding restrictions and demands of social groups is not nearly enough, because in the end, we must be able to express who we are. Although it may be likely that we may be hurt, or even disadvantaged, the cost of not being true to oneself can be much greater. We need other people around us who will support and accept who we are. The difficult task lies in striking a balance between our need to belong, and our need to live our lives in a genuine manner. I don't think the conclusion has enough relevance to the actual topic.
Overall, your expression and vocabulary is to a very high standard. However, structurely, I think you need to organise your ideas a bit more and frame your topic sentences/linking sentences a bit better. You should also include (at least once) in your essay the key words of the topic such as "mask", "protect" and "fragile sense of self". Also, as previously mention, make reference to the texts you've studied to give more specific backup/examples of what you are trying to say, instead of reusing the same homosexuality example. I think you're at around 6-7/10.
Hope this helps!
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