Please rate a Language Analysis piece out of 10? (And comment?)

[andy456]

Thank you very much for the comments taigastyle; will definitely continue to write essays and improve in that respect. Mmm I think I also need to improve my writing speed. By the way, is it advisable to identify and to 'signpost' the persuasive techniques which you'd be analysing further on in the article in the intro? :/

Any more people willing to help?

Much appreciated everyone!

From my understanding of yr12 English we don't actually analyse the persuasive techniques as such but rather the language that is used within them  and how that effects the reader.

So like instead of 'the author uses an appeal to hip pocket nerve to affiliate himself with the less fortunate audience of this article'
its 'the authors use of exaggerated amounts of money, eg $26.50 per litre of petrol, places the reader in a state of shock where he can further manipulate their perceptions of the economy with words such as ...' blah blah blah

But I think you will end up using the technique in your writing anyway...
There are quite a few really good study guides written by VN members in the English board. Have a read of them to get a feel of a really good essay

[happyhappyland]

I give it 8/10 its better then my language analysis and im getting 7s and 8s from my tutor and teacher. im actually kinda jealous of it

[98.40_for_sure]

So like instead of 'the author uses an appeal to hip pocket nerve to affiliate himself with the less fortunate audience of this article'
its 'the authors use of exaggerated amounts of money, eg $26.50 per litre of petrol, places the reader in a state of shock where he can further manipulate their perceptions of the economy with words such as ...' blah blah blah

Sorry, but... 'exaggerated amounts of money' sounds a LOT worse than the simplistic 'hip pocket nerve'.
I would use something along the lines of:
The writer raises concerns regarding the prominent issue of financial detriment/worries through his timely mentioning of, "$26.50 per litre of petrol". This apparent "rip off" purveys a sense of blah blah blah, thus cajoling the readership to blah blah blah.
Little things like using clumsy sentences have a significant effect on what mark an examiner will give you.

[98.40_for_sure]

I shall critique the introduction of your LA since others have already taken the liberty of reviewing for you. Hopefully, this gives you wider insight into the detriments of your piece.

The ongoing prominent/current/relevant issue of child obesity is once again a hot topic of debate within the media has come under renewed criticism following the recent implementation of a 'junk food ban' imposed upon school canteens. The editorial entitled ‘School life just became more fruitful’ which was published in ‘The Age’ (17/10/2006) postulates asserts/identifies that the underlying cause perpetrators of the matter, that is of childhood obesity are none other than their own educational institutions lies more with the schools and their respective canteens, subsequently announcing the recently enforced limit and ‘ban’ on junk food sold at school; all for the purpose of combating childhood obesity. However Conversely/On the other hand/In opposition, Michelle Wiese Bockmann’s article ‘Parents blamed for fat kids’ which appeared in ‘The Australian’ (01/08/2006), clearly denounces/villifies/vindicates contends that the blame ultimately lies with the parents of Australian families. themselves, hence arguing that the resolution of this issue not only lies with the school canteens and children themselves, but more so the families and parents in particular of Australian children.[you've already said all this, it's unnecessary and makes you sound mechanical (sticking to a set structure/formula)

Let me know what you think of my corrections

[Andiio]

I shall critique the introduction of your LA since others have already taken the liberty of reviewing for you. Hopefully, this gives you wider insight into the detriments of your piece.

The ongoing prominent/current/relevant issue of child obesity is once again a hot topic of debate within the media has come under renewed criticism following the recent implementation of a 'junk food ban' imposed upon school canteens. The editorial entitled ‘School life just became more fruitful’ which was published in ‘The Age’ (17/10/2006) postulates asserts/identifies that the underlying cause perpetrators of the matter, that is of childhood obesity are none other than their own educational institutions lies more with the schools and their respective canteens, subsequently announcing the recently enforced limit and ‘ban’ on junk food sold at school; all for the purpose of combating childhood obesity. However Conversely/On the other hand/In opposition, Michelle Wiese Bockmann’s article ‘Parents blamed for fat kids’ which appeared in ‘The Australian’ (01/08/2006), clearly denounces/villifies/vindicates contends that the blame ultimately lies with the parents of Australian families. themselves, hence arguing that the resolution of this issue not only lies with the school canteens and children themselves, but more so the families and parents in particular of Australian children.[you've already said all this, it's unnecessary and makes you sound mechanical (sticking to a set structure/formula)

Let me know what you think of my corrections

Ohhhh, I get it now. Mmm I thought we had to specify which newspaper/magazine it was published in and what date? :S  Oh and, are we supposed to 'signpost' the persuasive techniques/arguments we are going to be focussing on later on within the introduction?

Thanks!

[98.40_for_sure]

I thought we had to specify which newspaper/magazine it was published in and what date?

No

are we supposed to 'signpost' the persuasive techniques/arguments we are going to be focussing on later on within the introduction?

No

Gosh... what are year 11 teachers teaching these kids nowadays. Good thing i didn't pay attention all through last year and scored D's, which translated to A's this year.

[Andiio]

D: omg so confused LOL :/
Some of the worked examples in the Eng Worked Examples directory (e.g. EvangelionZeta's lang analysis') specify the date and newspaper it was published in though :/

[98.40_for_sure]

Read what you said.

I thought we had to specify which newspaper/magazine it was published in and what date?

are we supposed to 'signpost' the persuasive techniques/arguments we are going to be focussing on later on within the introduction?

You do not HAVE to do anything. The examiner does not say "oh, he neglected to mention the specific day, month and year. That's 3 things, therefore -3 marks out of 10"

[Andiio]

Ohhh oops haha didn't mean it in that way. So, in retrospect, would it be best to mention the date/publication IF your intro seems too short? Conversely, if your intro seems 'fine' with the identification of their contention, tone etc, you wouldn't mention the date/publication? Would the above be an appropriate guide?

[98.40_for_sure]

Ohhh oops haha didn't mean it in that way. So, in retrospect, would it be best to mention the date/publication IF your intro seems too short? Conversely, if your intro seems 'fine' with the identification of their contention, tone etc, you wouldn't mention the date/publication? Would the above be an appropriate guide?

Ok your worries are just becoming silly... I will reiterate that language analysis is not marked on structure or length, but rather depth and expression of analysis. Your intro can be 1 sentence long for all they care, doesn't hinder your chances at getting a 10 any extra.

Furthermore, an introduction is not the major determinant of your score. EVERYONE's introduction is gonna be similar, you can't stand out from the pack in that area. It's the analysis in the bulk of your piece that makes you shine in the eyes of the sadistic vboss marker.

[andy456]

So like instead of 'the author uses an appeal to hip pocket nerve to affiliate himself with the less fortunate audience of this article'
its 'the authors use of exaggerated amounts of money, eg $26.50 per litre of petrol, places the reader in a state of shock where he can further manipulate their perceptions of the economy with words such as ...' blah blah blah

Sorry, but... 'exaggerated amounts of money' sounds a LOT worse than the simplistic 'hip pocket nerve'.
I would use something along the lines of:
The writer raises concerns regarding the prominent issue of financial detriment/worries through his timely mentioning of, "$26.50 per litre of petrol". This apparent "rip off" purveys a sense of blah blah blah, thus cajoling the readership to blah blah blah.
Little things like using clumsy sentences have a significant effect on what mark an examiner will give you.

It was just an example to emphasise the element that should be analysed is the language. Both of our examples do the same thing but yours is of a higher standard, obviously.

[Hutchoo]

I thought we had to specify which newspaper/magazine it was published in and what date?

No

are we supposed to 'signpost' the persuasive techniques/arguments we are going to be focussing on later on within the introduction?

No

Gosh... what are year 11 teachers teaching these kids nowadays. Good thing i didn't pay attention all through last year and scored D's, which translated to A's this year.

Aigoo! My teacher said that we HAVE to add in those things.
W.es Doing English Language next year anyway.

[98.40_for_sure]

Noteworthy is the fact that many of these teachers are not year 12 teachers because they simply are not good enough, rather than personal choice. I wouldn't take their advice too seriously.

[Hutchoo]

Noteworthy is the fact that many of these teachers are not year 12 teachers because they simply are not good enough, rather than personal choice. I wouldn't take their advice too seriously.

Now I understand why I didn't get a great score for the midyear English exam..
Btw, my teacher holds a legendary story of how she failed her final exam for English, because she didn't read the question properly.


She also wants to teach 3/4 English. Thank Habib Bibah that I'm not doing mainstream anymore.

The worst thing about her teaching: The fact that she only pays attention to about 3 of the students in the class.. and she treats me like shit.

[Andiio]

Mmmmm okay. Thanks everyone for the comments! Very much appreciated.

Anyone else interesting in commenting/rating?