Just some brief comments because I'm sleepy
the problem I see is that while you've written 694 words, you've only got about 450 words worth of analysis which really isn't enough to cover the article in sufficient depth or breadth. You need to squeeze more content into your body paragraphs. You know there is something wrong when one of the body paragraphs is shorter than the conclusion.
During recent years, many schools have used the revolutionising digital technology to their advantage but one Victorian high school has chose to dismiss the use of computers in classrooms except for Information Technology related subjects. This decision has generated considerable amount of controversy in the surrounding community. Among recent outbursts was the principal’s letter explaining why computers are better left outside of classrooms. A. Jones, the principal of Hightower College has responded to the communities upset by submitting a letter “Are Computers Compromising Education?” which aims to persuade the community to realise that students will benefit from the banning of computers.
The last two sentences seem a bit repetitious, especially when you mention the principal's letter in the first sentence but don't name it until the second.
The introduction is also a good time to knock off tone and intended audience from your check list. I know you bring up tone in your first paragraph however it feels a bit tacked on there and doesn't flow with the rest of the paragraph. I prefer to cover tone in the introduction unless I am specifically analysing the tone or incorporating it into my analysis.
the community surrounding Hightower College are only left to agree with the contention of the author.
Avoid these sort of absolute statements. This was not the defining argument that completely resolved the issue. People will still disagree with the author and citing experts isn't necessarily going to change that.
Jones appeals to the hip pocket nerve of the parents of students who attend Hightower College. In the weekly school newsletter, Jones clearly relates the maintenance of computers as being a waste of parent’s money as it can be better spent on employing better teachers. Jones insists that by investing in the digital revolution, it would downgrade the quality of teachers which would lead to robbing the children’s future. Furthermore, he claims that the “essential social and intellectual skills” needed for children to thrive in the “adult world” would be deeply jeopardised if there is less interaction between students and teachers. Parents of students are made to feel guilty and ripped of if their child was to pursue an education to which their son or daughter did not receive quality time with their teachers but rather with their laptops and netbooks. The community of Hightower are directed to disapprove of the forwarding technology revolution and are made to believe that Jones is concerned for the wellbeing of the students and that he has chosen to neglect computers as it will be awarding for their education.
You only have one example in this entire paragraph. You can't just paraphrase the article. You need specific evidence and examples taken from the article and you then need to dissect the language in each example.
This would have been a great paragraph draw a link between the writer's arguments and the intended audience. The target audience is probably going to be parent's who have children at the school, given the article appeared in the school's newsletter. Parent's do not wants to feel like they are doing their child and injustice by depriving them of a quality education. Consequently this line of argument is going to be effective among this reader group.
The principal’s explanation about the controversy of banning computers included an image. The image supports the contention of the author as it portrays evidence of the interactions that occur between teachers and students. There are no technological devices included in the image. The teacher is engaged in helping the student and the student is concentrating. The parents are made to believe that the image depicted is that of an example of what the classrooms are like without computers. It places the contention of Jones in a positive light. The audience are convinced that the presence of computers will create problematic issues for both parents and their children.
Good analysis of the image but you need to integrate it with the rest of your analysis rather than discussing it in isolation. Talk about how it relates to the principal's other key arguments, particularly his argument that traditional educational models present the best learning environment.
The recent decision to ban computers in classrooms by the principal of Hightower College has caused controversy within the community as both parents and concerned residents question the reason for the abrupt decision. A. Jones, the author of “Are computers compromising education?” contends that banning computers will benefit the education of students. Though parents are concerned that their children will be left out from the ‘education revolution,’ Jones convinces his audience to believe that the use of computers will only tamper with the education of students. By using techniques such as images, appealing to hip-pocket nerve and evidence, the author attempts to persuade his audience to agree with his contention. The author creates a strong argument with his credible sources contributed by the use of factual and expert evidence. Convincingly Jones challenges the community to question themselves on whether it is actually necessary to follow through with the digital education revolution.
This feels far too much like another introduction, especially in the first few sentences. I recommend that you briefly outline the writer's objectives in writing the article and then discuss how different audience groups/the target audience would react to the article.
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