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Albeno69

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critique context piece please
« on: October 25, 2010, 01:49:53 pm »
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done under timed conditions.

‘Why conflict happens is less important than how it affects people.’
I wrote a persuasive article

Conflict is always around us in many ways and it is not why it occurs that shows its importance but its consequence or effects on people. This is exemplified in the 1970s were all half cast aboriginal children were talking out of their homes and put in “white camps” , the reason this happened is less important than the action itself it is from the action that individuals can learn. In Kate Grenville’s Secret River the book shows how the aboriginal people were treated like outcasts and the effects of miscommunication. It is these effects that show what is important and where there is room for growth. It is through such incidents such as the violence that occurred at Thornhill point that individuals learn from the affects not the origin of the conflict. Conflict always has an effect but there can be no effect without the conflict. Therefore conflict and outcomes are interrelated, they both need to be evident to occur.

The removal of all half cast children in the 1970’s has recently caused uproar following Kevin Rudd’s decision to apologise to the aboriginal people. The apology can give closure but it will never heal the effects that it has had on the aboriginal community in the Northern Territory. It is the issues of drug and alcohol abuse that reinforces the extent to the mistreatment and the extent of the atrocity that had occurred. The reason why the conflict occurred is less important that the cause, we, as Australians need to focus on rebuilding the relationship between aboriginal and Australian people. As Kevin Rudd said “For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.” This reflects the past yet it is the future we should be worried about, the past can’t be changed it is through the effects that we can change and build a better Australia. This shows that the outcome of the conflict can instigate growth and change and this has been perused by Kevin Rudd. The effect or the outcome from this feud that is vital to building a better nation something that we as Australians pride ourselves upon. It is for our children that we build a better nation and it is through organisations such as Amnesty that we fight for equality. What if it was you, would you want to be unheard, would you want to be undermined because of your heritage this is what it felt like to be an aboriginal, it is this that we much change and it is through the effects that we can fight for equality.

It is through William Thornhill that we learn of aboriginal inequality. It is the miscommunication that occurs and instigates the conflict and as a result an outcome is evident.  The miscommunication upon Thornhill’s point is exemplified when the aboriginals steal Thornhill’s crops however the aboriginals believe in sharing but their idea was not shared by everyone and hence there was again a clash between the two races. It is this clash that instigates the massacre, it is through the original clash that starts the massacre but it is from the effects of the massacre, effect of the conflict that the true importance is shown. Thornhill is left at the end looking for an aboriginal to purge his guilt for his role in their dispersal. Thornhill’s guilt is emphasised when he adopts long jack an Aboriginal elder, “long jack eat its good tucker”.  It is the conflict that causes the outcome but it essentially the consequence that shows us what is really important. The outcome gives the chance to change and become a better person, it is through Thornhill’s immense guilt and sorrow that the consequences importance is emphasised.

Conflict will result from two or more conflict views or opinions and it is from the conflict that there is a consequence. There can be no consequence if there is no conflict and it is from the consequence that people change or are given the change to change. It is through this that the vital importance of conflict is shown.  It is the conflict that allows for an outcome to occur and therefore it can be said that we learn from the conflict not the outcome, therefore the conflict can be more important, however to grow and learn you need both and this is exemplified through Kevin Rudds sorry speech and Thornhill’s involvement with the aboriginal people.

Conflict is all around us it is what we can learn that makes it important, conflicts important lies with the individual, conflict will bear no important if it is disregarded and no action is taken for the future. The consequence is important and it is Thornhill and Rudd who show that their actions to the conflict make the consequence truly important. It is the individual’s action towards the outcome that identifies the importance.

properly not very good but trying to get up to a 6-7 for the exam.


Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2010, 04:24:03 pm »
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Firstly, let's just establish that im no genius in english but:

it's about formulating an idea which represents the ideas of the prompt and is moulded to fit the prompt.
Your intro sentence is very direct and it should in fact be succinct.

yiou should probs discuss it in general before giving a social parallel. You have dived into the aboriginal case way too early.

"the reason this happened is less important than the action itself it is from the action that individuals can learn." This is only the third sentence yet you've mentioned the prompt for the second time, not good. Also it is where not were, a novel or whatever, not a book. You've also started 2 consecutive sentences with "It is." this sounds repetitive.

I dont see how its recent uproar when kevin rudd hasnt been PM for over 2-3 months, with his comments occurring even beyond that. this may be fine although im not too sure.
"instigate growth and change" instigate has negative connotations. I wouldnt use it with the development of something beneficial such as growth and change but rather war and conflict etc.

"It is through William Thornhill " Started very similarly again. " It is the miscommunication " LOL and again!
" It is this clash that instigates the massacre, it is through " :|

"It is through this that the vital importance of conflict is shown.  It is the "


I hate being harsh, but there is no point lying. I would give this a max 5.
Poorly written, deals with the prompt as a text response and you start your sentences off the with the same phrase around 15 times.

Just work on it dude dont lose hope, good luck buddy!





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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2010, 04:31:24 pm »
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the intro and conclusion both start with "conflict is all around us.." boring sentence imo.

Take this as you may i'd give this a 4.5/10.

goodluck

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2010, 04:36:11 pm »
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I should perhaps be more constructive in my criticisms.

the prompt is merely a springboard for ideas. It is not a question, merely a statement which calls for ideas to be stemmed out of it.

Now, in the first paragapraphs, perhaps discuss WHY conflict occurs is less important... what gives humans the privilege than being more important than the cause of conflict? you culd discuss that we are living, conscious beings who have a soul (if you believe that) and are thus a million times more valuable than the world etc. Realte this succinctly to the prompt.
Then in your next body paragraphs, determine why the cause is less important. Why shouldnt we focus solely upon the cause ? What is wrong with this? What are its implications of doing so. Relate it to the text.

This explores both aspects of the prompts, weaves your text into it in order to support your contention and thus enables you to obtain a decent 7+.

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2010, 04:37:21 pm »
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of being more important ***
could ****
Relate***

i should really proof read my shit lol

m@tty

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2010, 04:39:32 pm »
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You can *edit* ...
2009/2010: Mathematical Methods(non-CAS) ; Business Management | English ; Literature - Physics ; Chemistry - Specialist Mathematics ; MUEP Maths

96.85

2011-2015: Bachelor of Aerospace Engineering and Bachelor of Science, Monash University

2015-____: To infinity and beyond.

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2010, 04:45:21 pm »
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oh.. well i didnt *know* ... that

im just fukn with you thanks dude.

Albeno69

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2010, 04:46:46 pm »
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thanks it ll helps

m@tty

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2010, 04:48:12 pm »
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oh.. well i didnt *know* ... that

im just fukn with you thanks dude.

No problem...

And looks like you drew the short straw for scaling. Good luck.
2009/2010: Mathematical Methods(non-CAS) ; Business Management | English ; Literature - Physics ; Chemistry - Specialist Mathematics ; MUEP Maths

96.85

2011-2015: Bachelor of Aerospace Engineering and Bachelor of Science, Monash University

2015-____: To infinity and beyond.

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2010, 04:49:59 pm »
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At the risk of sounding like a complete dumb-ass, what do you mean by; "And looks like you drew the short straw for scaling." ? :P

m@tty

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2010, 04:54:47 pm »
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I was talking about your subjects, should have made it clear that it was totally unrelated the previous matter of discussion.

English, Business, Further - they all scale down.

I also though that economics scaled down.

And even the two that go up are quite low in their scaling compared to the subjects I am used to... asian 5. :p ...
2009/2010: Mathematical Methods(non-CAS) ; Business Management | English ; Literature - Physics ; Chemistry - Specialist Mathematics ; MUEP Maths

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2015-____: To infinity and beyond.

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2010, 04:58:34 pm »
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LOL! no wonder i had no idea what you wre on about :P

Yea, that is quite true. It works out alright for me.
Getting a 42 in business isnt too bad, and the course is harder this year thus scaling it down less.
History goes up one or two
Eco i dont care about much like further, and thus they will be in my bottom 2 = who cares how much they go up or down
English goes down max 1 if you get under 40... and even over 40 brings it down by .8 max (insignificant really)

Well done on surviving the year whilst undergoing the asian 5 man ;)

Then again if it scales down = easy
it sclaes up = hard

So what difference does it make you know?

m@tty

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2010, 05:10:23 pm »
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LOL! no wonder i had no idea what you wre on about :P

I'm hoping this sentiment is not shared by the English assessors marking my work xD


Then again if it scales down = easy
it sclaes up = hard

So what difference does it make you know?

It depends on your natural affinity. For those who handle sciences with ease, the scaling is just an added bonus.

English goes down max 1 if you get under 40... and even over 40 brings it down by .8 max (insignificant really)

See, scaling down, I always see as verminous, because even at high 40s my subjects still scale UP by 1, 2 or 3 points...
2009/2010: Mathematical Methods(non-CAS) ; Business Management | English ; Literature - Physics ; Chemistry - Specialist Mathematics ; MUEP Maths

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2011-2015: Bachelor of Aerospace Engineering and Bachelor of Science, Monash University

2015-____: To infinity and beyond.

Kotza

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Re: critique context piece please
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2010, 05:20:58 pm »
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yea i guess thats true

its just down to being born with the goods lol.