My (very small) LA '08

[m@tty]

This is what I managed to write in 35 very distracted minutes(yes only 414 words...). I would've continued but I had to move on.

Anyway, from this small extract of what I would produce, please provide me with a strong critique, if you would.

Thanks guys.


In response to the growing issue of sports-aggressive parents in his club, coach Sam devotes an entire edition of the local sports club’s newsletter ‘Club News’ to address the mounting problem. In a pleading and forthright tone Sam contends that with sports rage there are no winners, that it in fact is utterly detrimental to the enjoyment and development of the children, and that parents have a responsibility to be examples of good sportsmanship to their kids. Accompanying the newsletter is a picture epitomising the crux of Sam’s message. By separating the newsletter into bolded, punchy subheadings such as “Be reasonable” and “Be a good sport” Sam is ensuring that all who read his newsletter will grasp his point as readers are incrementally reminded in several words of the major ideas Sam is trying to convey.

Starting with a short anecdote, Sam engages readers immediately. Parents, who will no doubt comprise the majority of the readership, will relate immediately to the story of a saddened little girl as it will spark thought of their own children; they will wonder whether their child has felt this way before and because, more than anything, Emily “cared desperately that her Dad yelled at her” they are likely to in turn consider whether they may have themselves caused such feeling in the children of the club. Furthermore, by using adjectives such as “distraught” and “staggered” Sam emphasises that children are affected strongly by sports rage. This is because the word “distraught” means to deeply upset or trouble and “staggered” implies that something has been maimed – in this case the poor child, Emily. Finally stating that Emily is “just 8 years old” – highlighting the fact that she is a sweet innocent child – Sam hopes that through this readers would understand the disastrous effects of sports rage.

Continuing with sections addressing sportsmanship, Sam identifies the way in which parents should behave “before, during and after the game.” Starting his spiel with the metaphor “toxic parents are poisoning our club” readers are immediately confronted with the purpose of this newsletter, and Sam hopes that they will also realise that it is the parents who have to change. The metaphor draws a picture where the heart and soul of the club is slowly eroding, as both “toxic” and “poisoning” indicate harm. And in saying it is the parents themselves that are the root of the problem, Sam intends that they will come to grips with the fact that the change has to start with them.

...

[matt123]

If you keep going at that rate
You will get very high marks . 9-10/10

Its strong. and you have actually given what the emotive terms do and how they effect the reader.

You also talked about how the reader is sort of " placed " to see that parents need to change and how the metaphor " toxic" implies the seriousness of the problem.

I like it.

only problem was words as you said before.
Due to word count ... 5/10

Keep going at that rate.
and your guaranteed a good score in my eyes.

Also
very good use of vocab. I like it/jealous of it

[liv]

possibly shorter sentences? the second sentence of your second paragraph could be made into maybe 2 or 3 seperate sentences to make it less convoluted.

and also, what is the point of sam emphasizing that children are affected by sport rage? how does that affect the audience? is it because of the highly negative connotation that the fear or emotion is replicated to the audience to put them in the shoes of a child and thus make them even more aware of the issue? i don't even know. but just saying. if you talk about a technique, talk about how that specific technique affects the audience.
i hoep that makes sense outside of my own head.

[m@tty]

If you keep going at that rate
You will get very high marks . 9-10/10

Its strong. and you have actually given what the emotive terms do and how they effect the reader.

You also talked about how the reader is sort of " placed " to see that parents need to change and how the metaphor " toxic" implies the seriousness of the problem.

I like it.

only problem was words as you said before.
Due to word count ... 5/10

Keep going at that rate.
and your guaranteed a good score in my eyes.

Also
very good use of vocab. I like it/jealous of it

Thanks.

Do you think the 'topic sentences' are appropriate?

And would 5-6 130-150 word paragraphs plus introduction and conclusion be an advisable structure?

And if I only manage 2 pages tomorrow I am likely to put a hole in the wall of our new building at school...

[m@tty]

possibly shorter sentences? the second sentence of your second paragraph could be made into maybe 2 or 3 seperate sentences to make it less convoluted.

You felt it was convoluted in that section?

I thought it was all very implicitly related so I put it all in a single sentence.

Hmm, okay. At which part of the sentence did the problem arise?

and also, what is the point of sam emphasizing that children are affected by sport rage? how does that affect the audience? is it because of the highly negative connotation that the fear or emotion is replicated to the audience to put them in the shoes of a child and thus make them even more aware of the issue? i don't even know. but just saying. if you talk about a technique, talk about how that specific technique affects the audience.
i hoep that makes sense outside of my own head.

I was just saying how it drew readers' attention to the enormity of the issue and how something must be done.

Ah, wait, I see, I didn't state in the first paragraph that parents would likely be brought to a state of action - to expunge the malign influence of sports rage. Is this what you meant?

Thanks liv. =]

[liv]

possibly shorter sentences? the second sentence of your second paragraph could be made into maybe 2 or 3 seperate sentences to make it less convoluted.

Did you feel it was convoluted in that section?

I thought it was all very implicitly related so I put it all in a single sentence.

Hmm, okay. At which part of the sentence did the problem arise?

and also, what is the point of sam emphasizing that children are affected by sport rage? how does that affect the audience? is it because of the highly negative connotation that the fear or emotion is replicated to the audience to put them in the shoes of a child and thus make them even more aware of the issue? i don't even know. but just saying. if you talk about a technique, talk about how that specific technique affects the audience.
i hoep that makes sense outside of my own head.

I was just saying how it drew readers' attention to the enormity of the issue and how something must be done.

Ah, wait, I see, I didn't state in the first paragraph that parents would likely be brought to a state of action - to expunge the malign influence of sports rage. Is this what you meant?

Thanks liv. =]

that sentence was all related, but after 3 lines my eyes got sore of reading the same sentence. Don't ask me why. maybe its because i wear glasses. but i am always being told by my teachers that i need shorter sentences so that the good ideas are properly shown the examiners (my sentences are actually normally as long or longer than that so that what i have to do too)

Parents, who will no doubt comprise the majority of the readership, will relate immediately to the story of a saddened little girl as it will spark thought of their own children; they will wonder whether their child has felt this way before and because, more than anything, Emily “cared desperately that her Dad yelled at her” they are likely to in turn consider whether they may have themselves caused such feeling in the children of the club

--> could be shortened into this:
Parents, who will no doubt comprise the majority of the readership, will relate immediately to the story of a saddened little girl as it will spark thought of their own children. They will also likely wonder whether their own child has experienced this and whether they themselves could have caused their own children emotional harm, just as Emily "cared desperately that her Dad yelled at her”.


Ah, wait, I see, I didn't state in the first paragraph that parents would likely be brought to a state of action - to expunge the malign influence of sports rage. Is this what you meant?

yep

and your language is actually really good. you'll be fine for tomorrow.

[m@tty]

Ha, it was 7.5 lines on paper...

I thought I had already broken it up adequately with the semicolon.

Thanks again Liv.

[m@tty]

Anyone else feel like commenting?

Please be harsh - I know you want to... :p

Attempt # 3 ...

[physics]

asking how do u write so good?

but on a serious note when can i use ';' this symbol

[m@tty]

Joining two clauses or sentences, when they are linked.

You can use it for elaborating/explanation of a previous point:
"I like the colour blue; it reminds me of the ocean."

But it is probably a little late to be trying to pick up new grammar; you're likely to misuse it and lose marks rather than gain them...

But certainly, use it if you are sure it is correct and better to do so.

[kyzoo]

0.o I just did this...and it is the weirdest article I have ever analysed...I think I did too much analysis and didn't put enough evidence in =(, cause I had to skip over like 90% of the words =/.

But anyways, your writing is pro ^.^. I like your language analysis.

[m@tty]

only problem was words as you said before.
Due to word count ... 5/10

Wait, can 400 words really get 5 ?

Well I guess if you consider that 800 can get 10, then it's plausible, but still, English don't work like that...

0.o I just did this...and it is the weirdest article I have ever analysed...I think I did too much analysis and didn't put enough evidence in =(, cause I had to skip over like 90% of the words =/.

But anyways, your writing is pro ^.^. I like your language analysis.

I often don't give enough evidence, revolving about several key phrases... Which is probably a really bad thing.

Also I am so scared of not writing enough tomorrow... =/

Thanks. Not quite of the standard of your 09 one, but eh, it'll do...

[physics]

you are too good. i dont like you.
man i must hate a lot of ppl then.

[m@tty]

you are too good. i dont like you.
man i must hate a lot of ppl then.

Thank you physics..

I don't like you either =]

[werdna]

Hmm..

(1) I agree that your second sentence is too long-winded.. as it contains way too many clauses and it seems like you've just added them all together for the sake of it. Break it up.

(2) Careful with your use of the writer's name "Sam" so regularly.. VCAA has done this as a trick - omitting a surname and leaving it as Coach Sam. It feels a bit uneasy reading it when you keep referring to the writer as "Sam".. as we have all been taught to allude to the writer's last name only. So in the case of this article, perhaps try and say "the writer" or even "Coach Sam" instead of saying "Sam" so often.

(3) Watch your use of the word "And" to start a sentence.. grammatically and syntactically incorrect!

(4) In addition to this, I feel that, in some parts of the analysis, that you could go that little bit further and use more sophisticated language. From what I can see, the language is fairly simplistic.. and I feel that you've got the potential to go further. The examiner will want more from you.. I just get this vibe that you're holding back with the vocabulary. But, in saying this, don't go overboard.

(5) Other than these issues.. some good 'effect' sentences!

I'll give it an 8/10.