[English] Language Analysis

[Bozo]

Hello fellow VNers.

Great idea to whoever created this thread.

If you guys don't mind i'd also like any essays or samples i post up here to be marked and all criticism is welcome, it will only make me stronger as a writer.

Texts for 2011 include :

Cosi - Louis Nowra
Growing up Asian in Australia - Alice Pung
On the Waterfront (film)


SS Aim = 40

Week 4 Context Essay

[Bozo]

I know its a bad essay, i don't even know if it fits the criteria of an expository essay but i need criticism on where to improve and such ASAP.

P.S statement on intention was a template i used for my own specific topics etc.

All criticism is greatly appreciated.!!!!!!!!!

This essay topic is similar to one of those i've been set with so i'll just use this one considering i did it for school.



‘Sometimes it is hard to balance belonging to a group with keeping one’s individual identity’


Statement of Intention

For my sustained piece, I have chosen to draw on ideas encapsulated within this context study to explore the notion that a sense of belonging is a fundamental necessity for human existence and that without a feeling of acceptance, our lives become directionless. In coherence with this, our lives become trivial as we wage to keep our individualities and maintain our identities. To fully explore this concept in its complexity, I’ve attempted to address the prompt in three main parts; what affect   does the need to belong have on our identities as well as the sacrifices people make for the things they truly believe in.

I have drawn many of my ideas from those expressed in Alice Pung’s book ‘Growing up Asian in Australia’ with particular focus on the benefits of a cohesive society in the former and the effects of social solitude in the latter. To give my ideas credence, I have utilized the works of renowned psychologists such as Abraham Maslow, whose ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ theory states belonging as one of the five essential requirements for human existence and Erik Erikson a theorist in the field of identity whom believes a series of stages where at each one, a person resolves a crisis between a positive and negative alternative.

I am writing primarily for an educated yet general audience. The ideas explored are applicable to most readers and while a number of references to aforementioned psychological concepts or studies are made, I’ve attempted to explain or integrate them in such a manner that reader inference is not required to deduce the intended message. To reflect my intended audience, I’ve chosen to write in an essay format in the expository form, maintaining a formal tone and authorial voice to add substantiality to my writing.

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Conforming to a group, it is something all of us desire and experience at one stage or another in our life, whether it being a specific occupation, a university or even a family, we all have that avidity that triggers the need to belong. If we fail to achieve this fundamental necessity, we feel isolated from a world that we contribute and share nothing with and lose the sense of direction that defined social roles provide. This kind of pressure and mindset can have an ample impact on our identities as they can cause us to do things out of the ordinary. It is quite difficult balancing belonging to a group that adds excessive amounts of pressure towards a person, whilst they are simultaneously fighting, trying to really preserve their own individuality.

A sense of acceptance from our peers is a basic human requirement that reaffirms our existence. Regarded by psychologist Abraham Maslow as one of the five essential human requirements, a sense of belonging and love from our peers must be satisfied before we can reach the stage of self-actualization – where we contemplate our own purposes, capabilities and potential. Such an agenda can hinder our own identities as we aggressively want to conform and belong to something. Groups and communities provide support, security and what humans want the most, acceptance. Even before this sophisticated era animals and humans alike in their primitive form would perform different rituals and cause obscenely behaviour to portray their dominance amongst each other and try to gain acceptance into the “alpha” tribe. A sense of identity is closely connected to belonging to something other than ourselves, which provides exclusivity or privilege or on the contrary can provide fear of being ostracised and ignored from a particular group in which a person’s identity and self would be alienated into something they despise, yet pressured to accept for the advantage of “belonging”.

From the moment a child is born a whole life and road of fear, pressure, and difficulties await them. This in a sense shapes them as individuals and overtime shows society what type of characters they’ve developed from the different paths they’ve taken. A major factor in this formation of a persona is caused from the need to belong to a group, a group where their identities either change forever, or solidify from their origins depending on the influences a specific group may have. The impact of the need to belong to a group can really hinder the self-individuality growth and learning process of one’s true self which is one of the world’s biggest problems, “stereotypes”. Erich Fromm a distinguished psychoanalyst and philosopher once said “Integrity simply means not violating one's own identity” yet little integrity is seen within the story “Sticks and Stones and Such-like” when a young Indian boy “Sunil” with an attempt to conform with his fellow peers and disgrace his origins decides to unofficially change his name to”Neil” just so he could gain acceptance and approval. The name change is successful as he “fitted in” and “could feel their approval” but made him feel guilt after his mother had a stern talking to him and really strengthened his identity, to never change for anyone. Should one really give up their true self for acceptance? This portrays much dilemma as it is a tough life “out there” and it is quite arduous balancing belonging to a group and keeping one’s individuality. It is almost impossible.

The difficulty of belonging to a group as well as having your own thoughts and opinions can cause an individual with passionate beliefs to challenge the status quo. Much difficulty arises from such a dilemma but in turn really strengthens your personality and opinions. Bereft of this, repercussions as being ostracised from a particular group, family or society can really leave a person in a distraught position. Pearl bailey an American actress whom went through a similar adolescence to that of Pauline Nguyen, once said "You cannot belong to anyone else, until you belong to yourself." Pauline Nguyen as featured in the book “Growing up Asian in Australia” as the author of her story “The Courage of Soldiers” really justified that statement as she went through much torment and lived in fear on a daily basis from her “Communistic father” and escaped from her living hell. It is very vivid that she from the hate towards her father developed a strong  “AUTONOMY VS SHAME” ideology and emotion denoting “the stage when children begin to recognize themselves as separate people with separate ideas from their parents” as quoted by Erik Erikson the most prestige theorist in the field of identity and belonging. This portrays to us that Pauline establishes a durable individuality in which impelled her to “escape the tyranny” of her father’s rule, to “find freedom”. This goes to show that sometimes people feel that they must take a stand and sacrifice belonging to a group to preserve whatever identity they have left, and what they believe in.

As human beings we each require a sense of acceptance and place in society to validate who and what we are.  Belonging is an intrinsic human requirement with its downside of potentially contaminating our individualities. We either mask our personas to gain acceptance or confront those threatening our identities for what we believe in. Identity revolves around much emotion and is something that needs to be cherished and conserved as our personalities represent our creativity and most of all our individuality.

[LOVEPHYSICS]

To tell you the truth, I did not do the identity and belonging context, so my advice is rather limited. I've skimmed through the essay, but my main concern was the intro. If your intro does not answer the question well, then the body paragraphs that follow would logically be poor. That said, you did answer the question in the intro, though somewhat subtly (It does get a lot clearer in the third and fourth sentence) . Perhaps, try to answer the question more specifically in the intro, so it can be clearer in terms of where your ideas are going. Try to be mores specific, but be succinct.

If it were me, the intro would look something like this, though bear in mind that I have never done this context before.

Intro
Be it social acceptance or societal expectations, it is often difficult to conform to the needs of those around us whilst retaining the individuals values and beliefs that are unique among ourselves. The need to belong often compels individuals to conform given that failure to do so would invariably lead to isolation, loneliness and in some cases, psychological breakdowns. The adoption of a new persona however, as a result of conforming, will usually see individuals reject the principles and ideals they previously once believed in. Nevertheless, the fundamental mentality to belong will usually pressure, and in many instances, force individuals to assimilate against their wishes, thus seeing them lose their beliefs and ultimately their identity in the process, be that conscious or unconscious. Hence, to find the balance between conforming and the preservation of the individual identity is usually an impossible task, given that to achieve one, a sacrifice is required to be made in order to accommodate the other.

Overall, you seem to have control over the language. Try to read more expository pieces, because form-wise, there's room for improvement. Other than that, good luck and good effort!

[Bozo]

The piece was missing the editors name, so i referred to them as X for this stage. When i find out the name i'll fill it in.


Article Analysis- “L-plate hoons are troubling”

An editorial was recently released into the Australian media confronting the issue of L-plate hoon drivers and their antics on the road. This has ignited outrage in the general public, especially those who are strong believers in the value of life. As presented in the editorial “L-plate hoons are troubling” by X a very factual and informative tone is used to contrast that L-plate hoons are posing a risk on the roads not only to themselves but the other innocent drivers out there and that more stringent regulations should be implemented. In coherence with this an image is presented by Herald Sun’s cartoonist Mark Knight showing a bunch of L-plate hoons in a cheap affordable car imitating the actions of a V8 supercar.

The reader is first exposed to various statistics of the deaths, accidents and incidents that had occurred with “Victorian Learner drivers.”  X bombards the audience with statistics such as “3 ½ years 50 people have lost their lives” and “in July 2006, an astonishing 244 L-plate drivers and motorcyclists [had] been pulled up for reckless and dangerous road behaviour.” Seeking to reinforce existing views X positions the readers to feel the concern regarding L-plate drivers is irrefutable and ultimately intending the audience to question the current L-plate laws. Visually substantiating X’s argument, Mark Knights cartoon holds a didactic statement “This race might end in a dead end” which relates to all the statistics.

By describing young drivers as “rookie hoons” X mocks L-plate hoons and their inexperience behind a wheel. This prompts the reader to feel empathy and worried emotions towards these amateur menaces on Victorian roads which leads the reader to believe and acquiesce to X’s intended contention that our current L-plate regulations require further deliberation. Mark Knight’s cartoon presents a hoon driver in a very typical manner driving an old affordable Holden imitating the actions of a professional and trained V8 supercar driver. This manifests what the editors initial effect was and leads the reader concerned knowing that they drive on the same roads these L-plate hooners.

Immediately after, expert testimony is used providing foundation to the editorial giving it credibility and allowing the readers to consider their opinions on something factual. Acting assistant commissioner for traffic “Shane Patton” declared the statistics as “disappointing” and that “Parents had a responsibility to ensure learners formed the “right drive habits””. Targeted at the parents of teenagers Patton’s intended effect is to provoke an emotion of guilt and a sense of responsibility which in itself lends the main argument weight and positions the reader to attempt to educate teenagers whilst going through this phase.

Mark Knight juxtaposes reality with fantasy when his cartoon depicts a handful of intoxicated teenagers “Hooning” around next to a professional supercharged vehicle racer. This prompts the reader to question whether they are living in reality or a fantasy when they choose to drive dangerously. Ultimately the reader is led to agree that dangerous driving should only exist in fantasies where the consequences of those actions are avoidable.


Summing up the article overall X appeals to the Victorian roads commission suggesting that “Perhaps it is time to consider even more stringent regulations.” Initiating a more political approach to the dilemma and a viable solution leads the reader to believe that our current restrictions on L plate drivers need to be re addressed to avoid the extraneous deaths of young people on Victoria roads. Ultimately positioning the reader to consider accepting the possible future changes to the policies.

X’s informative and factual tone is an attempt at maintaining neutrality within this editorial piece. X advocates that the current L plate regulations need to be reconsidered and implemented in a much more stringent manner to avoid further unnecessary young deaths on our roads. Their repetitive use of statistics and expert testimony indicates large death tolls by these drivers and is used to alert the readers and young drivers that hooning is a very costly exercise that must be denounced because the conclusive result could be loss of life.




Any criticism is appreciated.