In the recent news, the Labour government's controversial asylum seek policy has sparked much controversy Word Choice? You said controversial already.. According to the Herald Sun's persuasive piece, published on the 16th of December 2010, "Gillard Government asylum policy now all at sea", All articles are persuasive, you need to be concise. What type of article is it? You can say this. The Editorial, "Gilliard......" published x y z, by an unidentified author contends the author has expressed his/ her disgust of the way in which the Labour Government ignores their obligation to people Stick with the issue, it is the asylum seekers pursuing a better life. This is expressed in a matter-of-fact fashion and focuses on attracting Better word choices? the attention of compassionate Australian citizens. On the contrary, The Age's Rob Oakeshott contends in his article "PM must be quick with details about Christmas Island tragedy" that it is Prime Minister Julia Gillard's responsibility to articulate the Christmas Island tragedy in the utmost honesty and entirety. Similarly, Similarly isn't required, Oakeshott is one person who's doing both things. Similarly, is when your comparing Oakeshott employs a formal and reasoned tone that suggests he is a man of intelligence and has targeted Australia's entire population as an audience.
The Herald Sun editor opens the article by juxtaposing the Gillard Government policy with water, stating the "Gillard Government asylum policy now all at sea", otherwise known as a play on words Why are you telling us what juxtaposition means? Get to the point, explain? "By juxtaposing the Gillard's policy through "asylum policy now all at sea," the author exemplifies the very flaw that the policy has tried to remedy. . This is done first and foremostWordy, Get to the point! to evoke a humorous response from the reader. You haven't went in depth in its effect? And your jumping to a new technique? I"m quite confused..The text constructs a picture of horror within the reader's mind with the use of statistics, "confirmed deaths of 27 men, women and children" The author constructs.... Leave your statistics in your 2nd sentence, You can still squeeze out some juice from it.. Link it More!Effectively, providing a firm base on which to argue upon . The editor continues to sway the readerBe more specific, its too general, and wordy. with an expression of compassion for the fellow human being, "Yesterday, Christmas Islanders woke to hear the desperate cries of asylum seekers cast into the sea. Many drowned. Others died..." Too Much Quote, cut back. You want minimal quote. Maximum effect To highlight the sheer horror of the event, the editor employs the use of many emotionally charged adjectives The author uses confronting adjectives "many drowned" to highlight the escalating mortality rate of asylum seekers, who are ultimately, the victims of the policy. Then new sentence, such as, "desperate" and the undisclosed number of people deceased, "many drowned". Subsequently, the reader is confronted with the What stance? stance stood by the Herald Sun journalist, "Real compassion would have been shown by not tempting asylum seekers to risk their lives trying to reach our shores". Not only does this provoke an emotional reply from readers but also encapsulates the Gillard Government as nothing more than a cohort of faceless and selfish individuals Good effect, at the start, wordy once again..
In contrast, the Age's "PM must be quick with details about Christmas Island Tragedy" Getto the point with the author's name than headline, your taking up word count now.. implements a variety of distinctly different persuasive devices. You said, number of persuasive techniques, but you haven't told me any. I'm confused atm For instance, Oakeshott it adamant that "This is a moment for the Prime Minister to lead, not a moment for a committee. She must lead us through the consequences of this tragedy." Hence, coercing readers to believe that it is the sole responsibility of the leader of this country to make decision, and not defer to other persons By the end, I still can't find the technique?. Furthermore, the text influences Better word surely? the reader with explicit word choice ? language which opts to clearly state the reasoning behind an option; leaving readers with no ambiguous connotations. He then continues to develop the debate His article with the inclusion "we". As a result, compounding society's role in resolving the asylum seeker predicament Effect on the reader. Finally, Oakeshott incorporates Australia's reliance on foreign students, exclaiming that the 'international education market, our third-largest export market' is under jeopardy. This is worsened by the recent deaths of asylum seekers, some of which might have been pupils. Effect on the reader?
Overall, both the Herald Sun and Age editorials utilise a variety of persuasive techniques to sway the reader's point of view and ultimately persuade them. In addition, the complementary polls give further proof of people's complete opposition of asylum seeker legislation. Therefore, effectively remonstrating the Gillard Government's inefficiency at handling foreign arrivals and dealing with issues of importance.
Overall Comment: I"m not sure if its me, or with other readers as well, but the ultimate issue I had with this essay was the amount of wordiness in it. Essays should be to the the point and be concise, . Such examples of wordiness was "this is done first and foremost to evoke a humorous response." GET TO THE POINT or essentially, cut the "bullshit". It would be far better to say "This is designed to evoke humorous response through the x y z . It is also important to delve deeper into your effects, generally, I felt that you weren't targeting enough on the emotions of the reader. Such as, how does it evoke, invoke? Sadness? Happiness? Anger ? You did redeem yourself by illustrating its effect overall though.
Your second paragraph went downhill though, It was even more confusing and wordy.
You know your techniques, you know whats its effect. Now, you should be working on to have concise sentences. Don't spend too much time on a sentence on making it appear sophisticated and fluent. This comes through practice. If it is easy to read, and the examiner can understand it, then it is already fluent. Btw "Don't use "In Addition, Therefore, Etcc etc.." All the time, it is occasional. Most important thing is, Cut the Bullshit, And To The Point!
Overall Score: 6.3
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