Please review this essay. Thanks *CONFLICT*

[chikopapi]

Conflict is temporary but it's scars are permanent


Conflict does not exist infinitesimally. Indeed, it does end at some point - either through one side of the opposition conceding defeat, a resolution being made, through collaboration or through accommodation. However, although the conflict between the opposing forces may have ended, the actions which have occurred previously as a result of this conflict often have disastrous consequences which are not capable of being reversed. Moreover, the destruction brought about by conflict can leave wounds on relationships, societies, environments and cultures that can never be healed.


The conflict which occurs which occurs in The Secret River, particularly between the Indigenous Australians and the European Settlers is temporary, yes, as it exists only for a certain extended period of time, but it is evident that that conflict still afflicts many today and presumably will continue to do so as long as this nation exits. There have been efforts to heal these wounds felt by many Indigenous Australians; of note being Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's recent apology to Indigenous Australians for the stolen generation.  Although the apology was well-received with the Prime-minister urging that "It is time to recognize the injustices of the past. It is time to say sorry. It is time to move on together", many Indigenous Australians still feel hard-done by for the atrosocities of the past that have been felt by their people (i.e. the barbarous bloodshed carried out in The Secret River, whereby an expedition of European Settlers massacre a tribe of local Aborigines, which although not being entirely historically accurate, has some bearing to the truth as it is indeed an example of many documented incidents). Today, a large percentage of the Indigenous people still hold the belief that their people are worthy of further compensation and amends (not just monetary) for the conflict which negatively impacted their people. Many hold the belief that their people's blood has been spilled by the theft of their land by settler's and that still today they face injustice. Indeed, this is an indication of the long-lasting effect that conflict can have on communities, even 200 years after events have occurred. In this sense, the conflict was temporary, but it's scars are permanent.


Conflict has existed between Ireland and the British Empire as far back as the 16th century where under the reign of Queen Elizabeth, England controlled Ireland. Similarly to the Indigenous Australians, the native Irishmen were excluded from the towns and had to settle in the mountains and bogs on the margins of the land they had owned and forced to adopt a language and culture they were not accustomed to. Many Irish republicans, particularly extremists such as the IRA and the RIRA consequently feel that the land of Northern Ireland should not be under British rule, and the RIRA expressed that loathing of the British occupation of Northern Ireland through the Omagh bombing.


The Omagh bombing was a paramilitary car bomb attack carried out by the Real Irish Republican Army in Omagh, Northern Ireland. Twenty-nine people died as a result of the attack and approximately 220 people were injured. The attack was described by the BBC as "Northern Ireland's worst single terrorist atrocity" and by British Prime Minister Tony Blair as an "appalling act of savagery and evil". One of victims of this heartless attack was Aidan Gallagher; the 21 year old son of Michael Gallagher. As seen in the film Omagh, the bombing devastates the Gallagher family and the other victim's families to the extent they start the "Omagh Support and Self Help Group" after the bombing in order to seek justice and provide solace to one another. The lives of the victims of the bombing have been permanently lost, they are innocent bystanders in a raging conflict who have been dragged into their demise. Their lives cannot be retrieved and there families are forever mournful, and thus permanently scarred by their loss. In all likely hood, the conflict between the Irish Republicanists and the British will at some point in the future cease, however long it may be, but regretfully, the anguish felt by those who have lost their loved ones in the conflict will exist perpetually.



The theme of conflict being temporary yet it's scars being permanent can be seen in particularly in mankind's conflict with the environment. Sadly, mankind has continued in abusing, mistreating and exploiting the Earth and it's natural resources, and consequently this conflict between humans and a defenceless resource has resulted in scars on nature that can never be healed. A prime example of this is The Murray Darling Basin in south-eastern Australia which has been misused and abused for over a 100 years. The Basin currently by far the most significant agricultural area in Australia. However, trees have been destroyed, rivers contaminated and animals decimated - both intentionally and unintentionally. Direful problems such as salinity, erosion and pollution continue to rage on within this environment as man has failed to conserve and protect this precious resource. The conflict which has occurred in the Basin will no doubt end at some point (particularly with the new Federal Government placing special focus on amending the problems in this area), however the damage in some areas is beyond repair. The land is too far damaged as a victim of the conflict for their to be any hope in restoring it for future generations. Indeed, although the conflict may be temporary, the scars it leaves are permanent.


To conclude, conflict does terminate at some point, however long it may take. Yet, the damage and destruction that has occurred because of this conflict can often, in many cases, never be healed. This has been the case with the Indigenous Australians, the families and victims of the Omagh bombing, and ofcourse the environment. Conflict is temporary, yet the wounds and ruin it leaves remain ad infinitum.

[Ken]

u used "although the conflict may be temporary, the scars it leaves are permanent" twice throughout the essay, try paraphrasing it like u did in the conclusion.

btw what audience are u writing for?

[chikopapi]

Teacher

[ice_blockie]

You have a fluent, coherent writing style. I have provided a short running commentary on what you could change or improve. So sit back, grab a coffee and prepare to reread your essay all over again!!!

Conflict is temporary but it's scars are permanent

Conflict does not exist infinitesimally. Indeed, it does end at some point - either through one side of the opposition conceding defeat, a resolution being made, through collaboration or through accommodation. However, although the conflict between the opposing forces may have ended, the actions which have occurred previously as a result of this conflict often have disastrous consequences which are not capable of being reversed. Moreover, the destruction brought about by conflict can leave wounds on relationships, societies, environments and cultures that can never be healed.

The conflict which occurs which occurs You have which occurs twicein The Secret River, particularly between the Indigenous Australians and the European Settlers is temporary, yes, as it exists only for a certain extended period of time, but it is evident that that conflict still afflicts many today and presumably will continue to do so as long as this nation exits. This sentence is slightly long. Consider shortening it a bit. Also, check with your teacher about your 'colloquial language' like for example you've used "...temporary, yes, as it exists..." Minor spelling error "exits" should be "exists." Maybe rephrase 'as long as this nation exists.' Although you can say nations exist, it is more clear if you refer to the Aborigines. There have been efforts to heal these wounds felt by many Indigenous Australians; of note being Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's recent apology to Indigenous Australians for the stolen generation.  Although the apology was well-received with the Prime-minister dash required?urging that "It is time to recognize the injustices of the past. It is time to say sorry. It is time to move on together", many Indigenous Australians still feel hard-done by for the atrosocities atrocities of the past that have been felt by their people (i.e. the barbarous bloodshed carried out in The Secret River, whereby an expedition of European Settlers massacre a tribe of local Aborigines, which although not being entirely historically accurate, has some bearing to the truth as it is indeed an example of many documented incidents). This example could be interwoven a little more nicely  Today, a large percentage of the Indigenous people still hold the belief that their people are worthy of further compensation and amends (not just monetary) for the conflict which negatively impacted ontheir people. Many hold the belief that their people's blood has been spilled by the theft of their land by settler's and that still today they word order...today they stillface injustice. Indeed, this is an indication of the long-lasting effect that conflict can have on communities, even 200 years after events have occurred. In this sense, the conflict was temporary, but it's scars are permanent.

Conflict has existed between Ireland and the British Empire as far back as the 16th century where under the reign of Queen Elizabeth, England controlled Ireland. Similarly to the Indigenous Australians, the native Irishmen were excluded from the towns and had to settle in the mountains and bogs on the margins of the land they had owned and forced to adopt a language and culture they were not accustomed to. Many Irish republicans, particularly extremists such as the IRA and the RIRA consequently feel that the land of Northern Ireland should not be under British rule, and the RIRA expressed that loathing of the British occupation of Northern Ireland through the Omagh bombing.

The Omagh bombing was a paramilitary car bomb attack carried out by the Real Irish Republican Army in Omagh, Northern Ireland. Twenty-nine people died as a result of the attack and approximately 220 people were injured. The attack was described by the BBC as "Northern Ireland's worst single terrorist atrocity" and by British Prime Minister Tony Blair as an "appalling act of savagery and evil". You've spent almost 10 lines introducing this conflict. This is bordering on dangerous for the examiner might start to think you're verging off the topic. One of victims of this heartless attack was Aidan Gallagher; the 21 year old son of Michael Gallagher. As seen in the film Omagh, the bombing devastates the Gallagher family and the other victim's families to the extent they start the "Omagh Support and Self Help Group" after the bombing in order to seek justice and provide solace to one another. The lives of the victims of the bombing have been permanently lost, they are innocent bystanders in a raging conflict who have been dragged into their demise. Their lives cannot be retrieved and there families are forever mournful, and thus permanently scarred by their loss. In all likely hood, the conflict between the Irish Republicanists and the British will at some point in the future cease, however long it may be, but regretfully, the anguish felt by those who have lost their loved ones in the conflict will exist perpetually.

The theme of conflict being temporary yet it's scars being permanent can be seen in particularly in mankind's conflict with the environment. Sadly, mankind has continued in abusing, mistreating and exploiting the Earth and it's natural resources, and consequently this conflict between humans and a defenceless resource has resulted in scars on nature that can never be healed. A prime example of this is The Murray Darling Basin in south-eastern Australia which has been misused and abused for over a 100 years. The Basin currently by far the most significant agricultural area in Australia. However, trees have been destroyed, rivers contaminated and animals decimated - both intentionally and unintentionally. Direful problems such as salinity, erosion and pollution continue to rage on within this environment as man has failed to conserve and protect this precious resource. The conflict which has occurred in the Basin will no doubt end at some point (particularly with the new Federal Government placing special focus on amending the problems in this area), however the damage in some areas is beyond repair. The land is too far damaged as a victim of the conflict for their to be any hope in restoring it for future generations. Indeed, although the conflict may be temporary, the scars it leaves are permanent. Consider using a different linking sentence instead of repeating the topic

To conclude, 'to conclude' sounds out of kilter with the tone and style of your essay conflict does terminate at some point, however long it may take. Yet, the damage and destruction that has occurred because of this conflict can often, in many cases, never be healed. This has been the case with the Indigenous Australians, the families and victims of the Omagh bombing, and ofcourse spacing the environment. Conflict is temporary, yet the wounds and ruin it leaves remain ad infinitum.

My concluding comment is whether you might want to deepen your essay by exploring the reasons why conflict is temporary. Be sure to check with your teacher though as each person interprets the topic and the essay differently. Remember, whatever I said are suggestions only (except for spelling & grammar) and you do not have to act on them. Enjoy!

[xox.happy1.xox]

Are you meant to write a statement of intention on this piece? I didn't know who your intended audience were until you pointed it out.

By the way ice_blockie, great criticism!