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Author Topic: AMFAS ESSAY!!  (Read 2795 times)  Share 

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roly182

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AMFAS ESSAY!!
« on: October 30, 2008, 03:41:35 pm »
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hey guys, jsimmo and clinton made me feel guilty for not writing any essays today so i thought id give one a shot and get you guys to have a look at it if you wouldn't mind! it would be very much appreciated and a score out of 10 would be nice. Thanks a bunch..

“How does the use of More’s family influence the audience’s response to More”?

Alice, Margaret and Roper are constructs employed by Bolt in A Man For All Seasons to entertain various interpretations of Sir Thomas More.  Whilst Alice highlights the negative repercussions of More’s ‘adamantine sense of his own self’, she also serves to underline his positive attributes. Furthermore, Margaret functions to prompt the audience into considering – is More’s steadfast integrity preventing him from taking the preferable course of action? Moreover, as Roper’s faith in religion changes with the tides throughout the play, by juxtaposing his ‘seagoing principles’ with More’s, who is ‘a true son of the Church’, he is a construct designed to cement the notion that More’s faith in God is an admirable characteristic.

‘Poor silly man. Do you think they’ll leave you here to learn to fish?’ Despite More being known to the audience as ‘a saint’ by ‘popular repute’, Alice’s reaction to being reduced from the lifestyle of a ‘Knights lady’ to a state of poverty (involving ‘bracken’ and ‘stinking mutton’) encourages audience members to consider More’s actions as although demonstrating great strength in moral fibre, also slightly selfish. This is likely to strike a chord most prominently in female audience members who may consider the fact that as More’s unwavering conscience lead him to ‘abandon practice’ and ‘forget [his] station and [his] duty to [his] kin’ his perception of being an altruistic man may be slightly tainted.  Bolt’s use of stage directions compliment this interpretation as Alice ‘wont turn’ nor ‘wont laugh’ at More, she is being used to accentuate the philosophical gulf between husband and wife, that More’s resistance to the ‘current of [his] times’ has produced. Thus, Bolt’s clever use of Alice is designed to encourage the audience to respond negatively towards the plays protagonist.

Conversely, Alice serves another purpose. Although audience members may remember the ‘hostile manner’ in which Alice condemns More’s resignation , she also presents his actions as deserving of some degree of admiration. By claiming that More is ‘the best man [she] has ever met or [is] ever likely to’ a compassionate audience member may interpret More’s actions as although bringing uncomfort to his family, deserving of praise due to his unwavering devotion to his self. Furthermore, Bolt reveals that More genuinely does express concern for his family as he pleads with them to ‘flee the country’ in order to remain out of harm.’ Thus, Alice offers dual interpretations of her husband – Both More the selfish fool and More the admirable man with an impregnable integrity.

Margaret serves a similar purpose to Alice in conditioning the audience to perceive More’s actions in a variety of ways. By claiming her father could ‘say the words of the oath but in [his] heart think otherwise’ audience members may construe that this betokens
 More’s selfish and shallow approach to his predicament and that he is ultimately brining his demise upon himself. Albeit, More’s retort of ‘what is an oath but words we say to God’ may encourage audience members who like More, place great value in religion, to consider that More’s relationship with God may prevent this course of action from being taken. However, for other harsher and less religious audience members, More’s failure to take the former option may prompt them to consider that More is foolish for not submitting to Margaret’s plea. Conversely, as Alice states Margaret would ‘walk to the bottom of the sea and think [her]self a crab if he suggested it’, this illustrates her devotion and love for her father despite his somewhat selfish actions. Therefore, the strong relationship between father and daughter may encourage a positive response to More by audience members.

Where Margaret highlights More’s role as a father, Roper underscores More’s devotion to God. Roper’s ‘seagoing principles’ throughout the play, despite serving as a humorous reprieve from the unfolding tragedy due to his constant shift in religion, forms a sharp contrast to More’s own faith.  As Roper is unable to remain ‘anchored’ to his principles as he oscillates between being a Catholic and Lutheran as the play progresses, this galvanises the perception of More as being ‘a true son of the church’ as he is able to remain steadfast unlike the capricious Roper. Thus, audience members who recognise that More is a man rooted in his religion may respond to his ‘silence’ regarding the Act of Supremacy (as it is ‘directly repugnant to the law of God’) with More understanding. Hence, Ropers mercurial faith encourages audience members to respond to More’s actions with greater admiration. 

More’s family life is an integral component in allowing alternative interpretations of More to flourish. Alice and Margaret nurture the perception of More’s refusal to relinquish his clear conscience as coming at too great a cost. This works concurrently with the stage directions such as ‘lighting changes so that the set looks drab and chilly’ in their home to encourage audience members to respond to More from an alternative viewpoint. However, they still serve to illuminate More’s positive characteristics as well. Additionally, Roper functions to prompt audience members into perceiving his ‘willful indifference’ as in fact being a display of incredible strength and devotion to god as well as moral fibre. Thus, Bolt delivers the powerful message that even the most seemingly noble and respected figures of history may posses imperfections.

Word count: 881 (exam conditions)
« Last Edit: October 30, 2008, 03:46:01 pm by roly182 »
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ninwa

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2008, 04:00:28 pm »
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Some thoughts:
- Words like "furthermore" and "moreover" are very cliche; they make you look like you've just used a thesaurus to find "linking" words. I would avoid them if possible.

- Discomfort, not uncomfort

- The rule of thumb is to NEVER start a paragraph with a quote, especially in this case where it bears no obvious relation to the rest of your argument in that paragraph. If you must use a quote, make sure to explain it.

- I wouldn't risk making generalisations like that "female audience" one - just in case you're unlucky enough to get a feminist examiner (yes they do exist!)

- NEVER introduce new ideas in your conclusion.
Quote
This works concurrently with the stage directions such as ‘lighting changes so that the set looks drab and chilly’ in their home to encourage audience members to respond to More from an alternative viewpoint. However, they still serve to illuminate More’s positive characteristics as well.
You need to mention the "drab and chilly" point in the body of the essay.
Also, if you do, you also need to explain how they "illuminate More's positive characteristics". Make sure you explain every single contention that you make, as well as back it up with evidence.

That said though, your linking between paragraphs is the best I've read in any essay for a long time. I could effortlessly see how each argument logically related to each other.

Your range of vocabulary is also really impressive - you clearly understand the meaning of the more complex vocab in there and didn't just throw it in for the sake of looking good!

I'd say that essay is a solid 9, well done!
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roly182

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2008, 04:05:15 pm »
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Some great advice Ninwa, much appreciated. I'll deff keep those suggestions in mind!  :)
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Chem - 41
Methods - 42
Psych - 50
English - 45
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jsimmo

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2008, 04:12:16 pm »
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awesome essay Roly.. i'd agree with everything Ninwa said.. very impressive vocab.. I can't comment on the ideas cos' you know how much I hate the play and haven't even touched it since the sac in term 1.. haha   

but really good: 9/10  .. just do what Ninwa said and you will easily get a 10!
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roly182

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2008, 04:17:04 pm »
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thanks jayden,
oh an  Ninwa, even though i've talked about how stage directions influence the response to more (alice's body language) i'm not allowed to introduce new evidence? Teacher at my school said conclusion should contain same ideas (stage directions) but in a fresh way - new point or evidence. What do you think? Thanks!
The University of Melbourne
Bachelor of Biomedicine

2008 VCE Results

Biology - 43 
Chem - 41
Methods - 42
Psych - 50
English - 45
Enviro - 45
Enter - 99.25

costargh

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2008, 04:20:29 pm »
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Very good. At least a 18/20

Only thing. Not 'uncomfort', it's 'discomfort'

ninwa

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2008, 04:21:15 pm »
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Your teacher sounds like mine hehe
I think he/she meant that rather than introduce new ideas, just rephrase the ideas you've already put forward in a "fresh" way
i.e. don't just copy all your arguments into the conclusion verbatim.

So put the "drab and chilly" evidence in the actual paragraph, and then in your conclusion, mention that "stage directions also play a pivotal role" or something
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roly182

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2008, 04:38:28 pm »
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oh ohk i understand!
And thanks costargh - i might of picked that up if proof read properly lol
The University of Melbourne
Bachelor of Biomedicine

2008 VCE Results

Biology - 43 
Chem - 41
Methods - 42
Psych - 50
English - 45
Enviro - 45
Enter - 99.25

roly182

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2008, 05:11:16 pm »
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Oh just one thing ninwa.. how do you suggest i should approach the start of sentences without the clich'e hence/moreover/therefore strucutre. Would it be acceptable to just leave them out completely and just start the sentence? i think if i did that my writing would feel fragmented/disjointed. Any suggestions?? thanks!  :)
The University of Melbourne
Bachelor of Biomedicine

2008 VCE Results

Biology - 43 
Chem - 41
Methods - 42
Psych - 50
English - 45
Enviro - 45
Enter - 99.25

Lulu

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2008, 05:21:34 pm »
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I'm having the same issue as you with using words like 'therefore' 'thus' 'furthermore' too much. Like you, I tend to sum up each paragraph using thus or therefore...I can't help it :(
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ninwa

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2008, 05:30:08 pm »
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Oh just one thing ninwa.. how do you suggest i should approach the start of sentences without the clich'e hence/moreover/therefore strucutre. Would it be acceptable to just leave them out completely and just start the sentence? i think if i did that my writing would feel fragmented/disjointed. Any suggestions?? thanks!  :)
I think most sentences would work quite well without the cliches. Of course if you really think it sounds disjointed, then by all means use them, they're not THAT bad I'd just advise avoiding them where possible.

You'll have to give me some sentences so I can come up with alternatives :P
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xox.happy1.xox

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2008, 05:32:36 pm »
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Really good essay. Only real critique, try to shorten the conclusion. All in all, the conclusion should only really be 4-5 handwritten lines, as you are basically summing up all of your ideas, and this shouldn't be too detailed or poignant.

But overall, an excellent piece of writing. 17/20 (or 8/10)

Oh, and Ninwa, I think I am also prone to the 'cliche' style of writing which you condemn. :(
« Last Edit: October 30, 2008, 05:34:15 pm by xox.happy1.xox »

ninwa

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2008, 05:42:43 pm »
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it's ok happy, I'm prone to it too, I condemned myself a lot last year xD
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roly182

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2008, 05:48:35 pm »
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Thanks happy. One more thing, is it bad to modify quotes to much??? Like all of my [him]'s? Do examiners not mind it in small doses but if i do it as much as in this essay could they see it as a negative? Thanks!
The University of Melbourne
Bachelor of Biomedicine

2008 VCE Results

Biology - 43 
Chem - 41
Methods - 42
Psych - 50
English - 45
Enviro - 45
Enter - 99.25

xox.happy1.xox

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Re: AMFAS ESSAY!!
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2008, 06:05:22 pm »
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I don't think modifying quotes too much will reduce the piece's credibility. I always try to keep my quotes to, at the most. 4 or 5 words, so for me, there is a less exorbitant demand to modify quotes. However, in your situation, you do sometimes tend to use lengthy quotes, and to that respect, modifying shouldn't really be a huge factor, but sometimes it is unnecessary.

But nevertheless, it does not take away the excellent calibre or breadth of your essay in the slightest, so overall I wouldn't really worry about it.