Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys
last minute help needed
this is my thesis for my transitiosn essay, how it does it sound?
As individuals progess through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. this progression not only develops the individual but also pushes individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which leads into growth of the individual

BTW I SMASHED THE CREATIVE AND ESSAY TODAY THANK YOU ELYSE AND JAMON
AND elsye your not gonna believe how close the stimulus was to my creative
thanks guys

That's a great thesis! Very clear - and gives you a lot to unpack later. I'm so glad you smashed it...really, really, makes me happy

[pikachu975]

Hey guys
last minute help needed
this is my thesis for my transitiosn essay, how it does it sound?
As individuals progess through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. this progression not only develops the individual but also pushes individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which leads into growth of the individual

BTW I SMASHED THE CREATIVE AND ESSAY TODAY THANK YOU ELYSE AND JAMON
AND elsye your not gonna believe how close the stimulus was to my creative
thanks guys

I'd probably cut down on the word 'individual'.

[elysepopplewell]

I'd probably cut down on the word 'individual'.

In hindsight - the last individual is just one too many for me!

[damecj]

Hey guys, just wondering if you could look at this thesis statement for Module A- 1984 & Metroplis.

The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984 propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures, and the catalytic role of totalitarian bodies in the degradation of one’s individuality and expression. Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression v projected state of humanity’s moral values and hence critically evaluate themselves and their social environment.

Thanks heaps

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys, just wondering if you could look at this thesis statement for Module A- 1984 & Metroplis.



Thanks heaps

Hey there! Definitely can have a look at this

The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984 another comma needed here propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures, and the catalytic role of totalitarian bodies in the degradation of one’s individuality and expression. So although the ideas here are really good - I think it's too much in one sentence. I'd actually be looking at reversing the order of this, and putting your ideas about themes and expression first, and introducing the texts secondly. This privileges the most important points, afterall, the elements that make your response unique. Everyone will talk about the texts, so put that second. Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression v projected state Not sure what this means? of humanity’s moral values and hence critically evaluate themselves and their social environment.

I'm fairly certain you've got some excellent ideas here but we need to work a little more to adjust the way these ideas are experienced - so flipping the order at the beginning, but also adjusting the way you express your ideas in the second part there as well. It's easy enough to fix this, just focus on reading it out loud and do what you've already done: ask for an opinion on how it reads. The hard part is done: you've got great ideas! Just the expression now. Feel free to post back once it's been adjusted!

[bimberfairy]

Hi guys! My English Paper 1 trial exam is coming up soon (kill me now please !!!) and I just have a quick question regarding thesis statements. I was wondering if it's okay (or a good idea?) to include in your thesis how themes can act as a vehicle to propel or bring to light a discovery?

For example:
Through the key themes that make up a text, the experience of discovery can be impactful upon an individual and can bring about an emotional or intellectual response.

I'm absolutely rubbish at English and am aiming to go for an essay that is simple in language and gives a straightforward answer to the question, since I tend to babble or add completely irrelevant information in my essays haha, so I was hoping to have a simple thesis statement too.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi guys! My English Paper 1 trial exam is coming up soon (kill me now please !!!) and I just have a quick question regarding thesis statements. I was wondering if it's okay (or a good idea?) to include in your thesis how themes can act as a vehicle to propel or bring to light a discovery?

For example:
Through the key themes that make up a text, the experience of discovery can be impactful upon an individual and can bring about an emotional or intellectual response.

I'm absolutely rubbish at English and am aiming to go for an essay that is simple in language and gives a straightforward answer to the question, since I tend to babble or add completely irrelevant information in my essays haha, so I was hoping to have a simple thesis statement too.

I like your thinking - and I also like you've identified your weaknesses AND you've made a plan.

I definitely think you can do this, and I in fact really like it. But, unless you are going on to directly identify the key themes next, I think it's better that you identify what they are immediately instead of say "key themes" and risk sounding immediately ambiguous. Does this make sense?

[bimberfairy]

I like your thinking - and I also like you've identified your weaknesses AND you've made a plan.

I definitely think you can do this, and I in fact really like it. But, unless you are going on to directly identify the key themes next, I think it's better that you identify what they are immediately instead of say "key themes" and risk sounding immediately ambiguous. Does this make sense?

Thanks Elyse! This is the introduction I wrote in response to the 2016 Paper 1 question before I received your reply:

Through the key themes of a text, composers have the ability to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering. Composers use the key themes of a text as a vehicle to reveal these responses that are provoked by discovery. To a great extent, this idea has been conveyed in Rosemary Dobson’s poems Young Girl At A Window and Cock Crow, as well as Tim Winton’s novel That Eye, The Sky, where the authors, through the manipulation of language and use of key themes to the text, are able to reveal the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering.

I took your advice into account and changed my introduction to this instead, immediately addressing the key themes:

Through the key themes of a text, composers have the ability to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering. To a great extent, this idea has been conveyed in Rosemary Dobson's poems Young Girl At a Window, through the theme of growth, and Cock Crow, through the theme of facing reality. Furthermore, Tim Winton's novel That Eye, The Sky also explores this idea using the themes of grief and maturity. These authors use the manipulation of language and key themes to the text to reveal the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering.

Would this be enough to not make my introduction sound too ambiguous or loose?

Thanks!

[elysepopplewell]

Thanks Elyse! This is the introduction I wrote in response to the 2016 Paper 1 question before I received your reply:

Through the key themes of a text, composers have the ability to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering. Composers use the key themes of a text as a vehicle to reveal these responses that are provoked by discovery. To a great extent, this idea has been conveyed in Rosemary Dobson’s poems Young Girl At A Window and Cock Crow, as well as Tim Winton’s novel That Eye, The Sky, where the authors, through the manipulation of language and use of key themes to the text, are able to reveal the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering.

I took your advice into account and changed my introduction to this instead, immediately addressing the key themes:

Through the key themes of a text, composers have the ability to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering. To a great extent, this idea has been conveyed in Rosemary Dobson's poems Young Girl At a Window, through the theme of growth, and Cock Crow, through the theme of facing reality. Furthermore, Tim Winton's novel That Eye, The Sky also explores this idea using the themes of grief and maturity. These authors use the manipulation of language and key themes to the text to reveal the emotional and intellectual responses that can be provoked by the experience of discovering.

Would this be enough to not make my introduction sound too ambiguous or loose?

Thanks!

Hey again

I definitely prefer the second intro to the first. The first one is more ambiguous than the second, and the second definitely works to be far more of a stand out - it's unique! I'm inclined to point out that you've only introduced two ideas from the rubric: emotional and intellectual responses to discoveries. Typically I'd say this isn't enough and there needs to be more fleshed out, but in saying that, I've never before seen an introduction that focuses on themes in discovery before. But, the CSSA paper this year for discovery, although it didn't focus on themes, it shifted the question to make the essay more text-based than concept-based, so I think your essay could be going in the direction that perhaps the markers want to see more of. So I think full speed ahead!

[damecj]

Hey there! Definitely can have a look at this

The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984 another comma needed here propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures, and the catalytic role of totalitarian bodies in the degradation of one’s individuality and expression. So although the ideas here are really good - I think it's too much in one sentence. I'd actually be looking at reversing the order of this, and putting your ideas about themes and expression first, and introducing the texts secondly. This privileges the most important points, afterall, the elements that make your response unique. Everyone will talk about the texts, so put that second. Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression v projected state Not sure what this means? of humanity’s moral values and hence critically evaluate themselves and their social environment.

I'm fairly certain you've got some excellent ideas here but we need to work a little more to adjust the way these ideas are experienced - so flipping the order at the beginning, but also adjusting the way you express your ideas in the second part there as well. It's easy enough to fix this, just focus on reading it out loud and do what you've already done: ask for an opinion on how it reads. The hard part is done: you've got great ideas! Just the expression now. Feel free to post back once it's been adjusted!

Thank you very much for your feedback! Very useful... I have taken on your advice and would be very appreiciative if you could take a look at the changes.

Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression and projected state of humanity’s moral values. Thus being able to critically evaluate themselves and their social environment. The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984, propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures. While also  exploring how oppressive capitalist plutocracies can abuse and dictate individual freedoms.

Again, thanks heaps!

[bimberfairy]

Hey again

I definitely prefer the second intro to the first. The first one is more ambiguous than the second, and the second definitely works to be far more of a stand out - it's unique! I'm inclined to point out that you've only introduced two ideas from the rubric: emotional and intellectual responses to discoveries. Typically I'd say this isn't enough and there needs to be more fleshed out, but in saying that, I've never before seen an introduction that focuses on themes in discovery before. But, the CSSA paper this year for discovery, although it didn't focus on themes, it shifted the question to make the essay more text-based than concept-based, so I think your essay could be going in the direction that perhaps the markers want to see more of. So I think full speed ahead!

Thank you Elyse!! Gosh I appreciate all you guys so much for helping us out !! I could cry tears of joy to be honest (: Regarding the ideas from the rubric, the 2016 question was: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering? So I just pulled out the section of the rubric that was already in the question! (:
Should I also be adding another section from the rubric into my essay to expand upon the question, or would what the question provided be good enough? Thank you so much again!

[Never.Give.Up]

Hey!!

Just wondering if this thesis statement makes sense in answer to the question:
 "at the heart of representation are acts of deliberate selection and emphasis"
thesis- the intentional choice of particular events and the significant form in which they are stressed, are ultimately political actions that constitute the core of representation. It is evidently the manner in which a situation is represented that determines the impact on individuals and it's significance on the broader society.

thx for your help! sorry just realised this was AOS and i'm talking about mod c (people and politics) is there somewhere else I can get mod c thesis statements checked??

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you very much for your feedback! Very useful... I have taken on your advice and would be very appreiciative if you could take a look at the changes.

Again, thanks heaps!

Hey there!

Through the didactic nature of both composers’ texts, audiences in both the present and the future are able to be educated of the progression and projected state of humanity’s moral values. Thus being able to critically evaluate themselves and their social environment. The distinctions and alignments across Fritz Lang’s silent expressionist film Metropolis and George Orwell’s satirical novel, 1984, propose questions of the varying results of resistance against societal pressures. While also  exploring how oppressive capitalist plutocracies can abuse and dictate individual freedoms.

Firstly, I'd suggest changing "in both the present and the future" to "audiences from the time of the texts creation, and audiences beyond, are able.." or something that changes "present and future" because it sounds simple, but it also ignores the time before the present where the texts were received. Secondly, I'll suggest nominalisation for the "to be educated." You might already know so please excuse me if I'm repeating something, but nominalisation is basically changing the verb to the noun form. So I'd say, "are able to gain education about.." so "educated" becomes 'education" which sounds more sophisticated. Lastly, "Thus, audiences are able to..." sounds better

So your ideas are there, just expression things

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you Elyse!! Gosh I appreciate all you guys so much for helping us out !! I could cry tears of joy to be honest (: Regarding the ideas from the rubric, the 2016 question was: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering? So I just pulled out the section of the rubric that was already in the question! (:
Should I also be adding another section from the rubric into my essay to expand upon the question, or would what the question provided be good enough? Thank you so much again!

I've read what you've said a few times over because I'm really happy, it's so sweet

I figured you'd taken that from 2016. So, if that was the question: you'd need more discovery, I suggest! Just so you can discuss different angles...and more stages of discovery than just the outcomes! But, if this is not your essay question, then you're already combining emotional and intellectual with whatever else they ask from you...if that makes sense? So you'll already be prepared

Hey!!

Just wondering if this thesis statement makes sense in answer to the question:
 "at the heart of representation are acts of deliberate selection and emphasis"
thesis- the intentional choice of particular events and the significant form in which they are stressed, are ultimately political actions that constitute the core of representation. It is evidently the manner in which a situation is represented that determines the impact on individuals and it's significance on the broader society.

thx for your help! sorry just realised this was AOS and i'm talking about mod c (people and politics) is there somewhere else I can get mod c thesis statements checked??

Totally fine for you to put this here!

The ideas in your statement here are perfect - very clear and sophisticated. but, by the end of your first sentence I'm struggling to grasp everything. I noticed I was slowly down my reading and really focusing on each word because as much as I wanted to grasp it all, there's a lot. It's a bit wordy, but also the defining "core of representation" sits at the very end, which is one of the most important things you say, but I'm a bit lost by the time I get to it. You might need to work on culling some words or re-arranging the sentence a bit!

[Never.Give.Up]

Totally fine for you to put this here!

The ideas in your statement here are perfect - very clear and sophisticated. but, by the end of your first sentence I'm struggling to grasp everything. I noticed I was slowly down my reading and really focusing on each word because as much as I wanted to grasp it all, there's a lot. It's a bit wordy, but also the defining "core of representation" sits at the very end, which is one of the most important things you say, but I'm a bit lost by the time I get to it. You might need to work on culling some words or re-arranging the sentence a bit!

Thanks so much Elyse! Really appreciate your help 
is this a little clearer??? The core of representation is constituted by the intentional choice of information and the form in which they are stressed. It is evidently the manner in which a situation is represented that determines the impact on individuals and its significance in broader society.
I'm just a bit stuck on what sort of topic sentences I can get from this??Any ideas?
thx again