Hey, this is my discovery essay!! Just need a second opinion, my teacher gives very vague comments, like "expand", "too vague" or "be more concise in this section" (referring to the entire 1st paragraph).
THANK YOU!!
Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.
Hey there!! I am happy to give a second opinion on it, it is attached with comments throughout in bold!
Spoiler
How do discoveries and discovering offer new understandings of ourselves and others?
The act of discovery is a powerful tool for individuals to gain a deeper understanding of their innate humanity and that of others. I'd like an amplification here, just a little more depth, perhaps about the benefits of this, or challenges to these discoveries? Just something more. Within the texts, ‘Barn Owl’, a poem by Gwen Harwood, and the play The Tempest by William Shakespeare, the concept of personal discovery is explored. In ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed narrator, a young child, experiences the reality of death: a discovery that ultimately leads him towards an understanding of his power as a human being and the responsibility associated with it. In The Tempest, Caliban and Prospero also convey these aspects of discovery. Caliban has come to the realization of his betrayal by Prospero, having learnt of Prospero’s perception of him as sub-human, bestial. You don't necessarily need to go over the plot in these sentences, just change the wording a bit (see next comment). Prospero comes to discover his innate magnanimity as the play progresses. All three personas experience the transformative effects of emotional discoveries on their understanding of themselves and others. Try to shift the wording of the latter half of this Thesis to what the AUDIENCE learns about discovery, rather than just what the characters learn.
In Harwood’s ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed persona discovers the reality of death after killing an owl. Be careful that your introductory sentence sets up a concept that you will discuss, you sort of do this here, but it is based on retell! The reader sees that this event leads to shift towards a more mature understanding of life and death by discovering the reality of death. Something similar to this sentence should have been FIRST, then bring the text in later. The child is shocked at how the owl’s bloodied corpse “dropped, and dribbled” in the dank barn, “tangled in bowels”. Retell. This differs from their previous understanding that “death (is) clean and final.” The contrast between “clean” death and its messy reality, highlighted by the power of these obscene words, “dribbled”, “tangled in bowels”, conveys the child’s shift in understanding – Harwood contrasts the naivety of “clean” with the grotesque description of the wretched owl. Techniques in this analytical section? The significance of this child’s discovery is conveyed by the motif of the blind owl, with” “eyes that did not see, … day-light riddled [and] … blank,” the owl “hopped blindly”. This emphasizes the vulnerability and innocence of the owl and shows the childish ignorance that led the boy to carry out his regrettable act. But what does this show the audience about the reality of death? Finally, Harwood reflects the owl’s emotions in the boy: “I leaned upon my father’s arm, and wept, owl blind in the early sun.” The child’s internalization of the owl’s pain and helplessness heightens the perceived emotional toll of his discovery, highlighting the significance of discovery in creating awareness and new understandings of one’s self qualities; it gives the sense, through this detailed recount of this event, the narrator of the poem reflecting on their experience, that the barn shooting will linger on the child’s conscience. You were ALMOST there here, you needed to mention the audience once and you would have had it! Harwood’s choice of first-person narrative voice encourages the reader to have a more intimate interaction with the adult narrator, who reflects on this pivotal event from a mature and self-aware perspective. Good. Harwood uses the words “law” and “punish”, conveying the child’s naïve sense of power; but juxtaposing “law” with “beak and claw”, creates a nursery rhyme nature, emphasizing the simplicity of the child’s previous understanding of death and his petty power over the owl. Thus, the audience learns _______. In this poem, the frailty of life and death is discovered in one short moment, by a young child, as they gain an insight into their innate humanity. This child forms a new understanding of their power and how abusing this power causes emotional torment. Your conclusion should always match closely to the intro (nature of death), and link it to your main idea. Although you sustain the theme throughout, you haven't really linked it closely to Discovery in your intro or conclusion.
Conversely, in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Caliban discovers and endures exploitation by Prospero. Retell. This reflects Shakespeare’s context: the exploitation and enslavement of natives by European colonisers of the ‘New World’. Good contextual link. At the time of the playwright, this play would have shed light on the issue of slavery of native people and perhaps led to new understandings of the cruelty and the inhumanity that was directed towards these people by the audience being able to empathise with Caliban. THAT should have been your first sentence (in some form). Prospero thought Caliban was “hag-born – not honoured with a human figure” and locked him away as a slave. Retell: Technique? Shakespeare’s phrasing of being “honoured with a human figure” highlights the supremative view that Prospero, who represents European settlers have of themselves as Europeans over the ‘bestial’ natives. Technique? Prospero’s dehumanising description of Caliban is subtly challenged by Shakespeare’s gift to Caliban of eloquent verse: “I loved thee and showed the all the qualities o’th’isle.” Retell, you need to link this stuff to the concept of exploitation directly, what does the audience learn? This technique initiates the shift in the audience’s perception of Caliban. Caliban’s misplacement of trust evokes anger within him, reflected by his threatening and foul language directed towards Prospero: “A south-west blow on ye and blister you all over.” But what is our perception of the CONCEPT now? This experience of Caliban mimics the reality for many indigenous people in the colonial world, where Shakespeare identifies the suffering that colonialists caused to the natives. The island setting is a microcosm of colonial society, simulating the oppressive enslavement of such natives as Caliban, who was deemed “poisonous slave, got by the devil himself.” This reference to Satan and of Caliban as “poisonous” would have conformed with the opinions of a Jacobean audience, but a post-colonial audience can see the injustice of this dehumanisation, contributing to the timeless significance of the play. Good. The audience is confronted by this somewhat controversial message of the play and by discovering the truth of the treatment of indigenous people, are prompted to rediscover an opinion on colonialism. Again, be sure your conclusion and introduction line up, and they should both be very conceptual (this is much better than the first, however).
On the other hand, Prospero’s emotional transformation as a result of his personal discovery is enlightening and restorational. At the beginning of The Tempest, he informs Miranda that he seeks revenge for the treachery of his brother, “the ivy which had hid my princely trunk, and sucked my verdure out on’t.” Retell. Shakespeare’s metaphor compares Antonio to a parasitical plant that drew the life from Prospero, a “princely trunk”, identifying Prospero’s bitterness and anger towards Antonio, how he solely blames Antonio for his usurpation. Thus, the audience realises _______ about restorational discoveries. However, by the end of the play, Prospero understands himself as a person and his own responsibility for his usurpation. Retell. In eloquent and poetic verse, Prospero declares his renewed nobility in Act Five: “the rarer action”, being the nobler course, “is in virtue, than in vengeance.” Retell. The alliterative juxtaposition of “virtue” and “vengeance” emphasizes the graceful antithesis of these two human characteristics, foregrounding his rejection of revenge and his embrace of balanced Renaissance virtue. This is better analysis, but you need to step it away from the text: Don't make it character specific, just say this generally! Prospero matures throughout the play, as does the child in ‘Barn Owl’, conveying the universally transformative effects of discovery on human perspectives, improving understandings of ourselves and others. Good textual link. Through his aristocratic tone and biblical diction in the final act, “penitent”, Shakespeare shows that Prospero has reached a new level of human compassion; it also highlights his return to Christian values and humanistic virtues, which he had replaced with anger and bitterness for all his years on the island. His statement that his “nobler reason” has risen “gainst [his[ fury” foregrounds his renewed perception of himself as a man of magnanimity as rational thinking was believed by Renaissance humanists to be the highest ranking faculty in the human body and that it should control the sometimes unruly passions. Hence Prospero’s discovery of his nobility aligns with the idea that discovery can create new understandings of ourselves, in particular our human qualities.
Although the mechanism of discovery id different in each text, they both reflect the idea that by the act of discovery, new understandings and perceptions of ourselves and others can be created or even renewed. Misused power, treachery and victimization, all universal themes, are explored in The Tempest and Harwoods, ‘Barn Owl’ Have you explored those themes in your response explicitly?
So before I do anything, I'm guessing that what your teacher means for the 1st paragraph (in my opinion) is that you are
retelling. There is a lot of unnecessary detail where you explain what happened in the text, and then explain why that links to your concept. This isn't efficient. Instead, just say how the concept comes through with TECHNIQUES, the plot details are actually completely irrelevant.
PS - Can't stand vague feedback 
Removing retell would be my biggest piece of feedback for this essay. A substantial amount of your response is spent telling the marker what happens in the text, occasionally with a technique, and occasionally linking to a concept. However, you must remember that the marker has read your text (and you assume the same for the ORT)! All the words you expend on detailed plot description are completely inefficient.
My challenge to you is to take a step away from the text. Don't tell me how what happens in the text is representative of Discovery. Instead, tell me how the
composer has used techniques to portray Discovery concepts to the audience. The key to this is composer and audience; that is the important relationship you need to focus on. The text is kind of like the messenger; the composer wants communicate a message about Discovery and the text lets them do this.
The
techniques are also important, you must make sure that every quote has an associated technique. This is because your job is to show what choices the composer has made to communicate properly with the audience. Every quote needs a technique, virtually no exceptions!! Pick the lines in your text that show a deliberate attempt by the composer to represent an idea, or connect to the audience. You did this in isolated areas, but your job is to be consistent!
Your sentences could look like this:
The composers use of TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," effectively represents BLAH, as the audience realises BLAH BLAH BLAH."No mention of plot, no mention of characters (unless necessary), just technique and effect
Beyond this I'd also like to see a more consistent conceptual focus. Start your paragraphs with a concept
A very simple example: "Discoveries can be beneficial. This is shown in Shakespeare's The Tempest."
Like, this is way too simple, but that's the idea. Concept first, text second. Also be sure that your introduction and conclusion both match, and further, that they both link to your big Thesis up the top and/or to the question you are asked.
This essay has some great foundations; excellent textual knowledge and great conceptual ideas. But I'm looking to adjust how you portray those ideas. Have a read, let me know if anything is unclear, I hope this helps!
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