English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys,
I was wondering if you could have a look at my Module B essay on speeches it would be much appreciated
Thanks, sam

Hey Sam! Thanks for posting, I'd love to, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold

Spoiler

A speech is composed with the intention of satisfying its composer’s contextual purpose. I'd like a tad more depth here, this Thesis is good but just a tad simple, you could do more! However, speeches that achieve an equilibrium between the ideas conveyed and effective employment of rhetoric, transcend the immediate context of the speech, and retain a sense of relevance for future generations. Good links to the module there. Both Margaret Atwood’s 1994 ‘Spotty Handed Villainesses’, and Anwar Sadat’s 1977 ‘Statement to the Knesset’, effectively employ rhetoric to highlight the imperative for justice, through the glorification of social equality. Additionally, Atwood and Sadat explore the influence of the past, and illustrate the ability for past values to influence the actions of today, thus instilling a sense of responsibility to their respective audiences. Atwood examines these ideas from a feminist perspective, while Sadat from a racial perspective. How does this difference impact on the way the texts are composed? --- A fantastic introduction on the whole, the framework is rock solid.

Anwar Sadat’s ‘Statement to the Knesset’, emphasises the imperative for justice, highlighting the significance of social equality, irrespective of race or religion. Good start to the paragraph, you could try making it purely conceptual but I think the blend of text and concept works well for the way you are constructing this essay. Sadat presented the speech in 1977 to the Israeli Knesset, with the ultimate purpose of achieving a peace settlement between Egypt and Israel. This info, if you'd like to use it, would probably be better in the introduction to set the stage. Remember to keep statements like this to a minimum, only bring in context as part of your analysis. Sadat approaches this purpose by prioritising the fundamental sense of humanity common to both countries. The use of pathos, ‘Any life lost in war is a human life’, diminishes the differences between the countries, portraying the fragility of humanity, thus highlighting the need for social equality and subsequently justice. Fabulous. Sadat also establishes a religious congruency between Jews, Arabs and Christians, stating that they all ‘worship God and no one but God’, subsequently uniting his audience through the universality of their faiths. Sadat then employs Logos, through syllogistic reasoning, ‘God’s teachings and commandments are love sincerity, purity and peace,’ thus implying that these commandments are being broken through the ongoing conflict and discourse, positioning his audience to recognise the implications of their actions, reiterating the imperative for justice. Your analytical style is fantastic, extremely powerful. Sadat’s repetition of his motif, ‘Permanent peace based on justice,’ reiterates the importance of peace to his audience, effectively emphasising the imperative for justice. Great analysis here, but this paragraph is missing a nice conclusion to wrap everything together. Also remember to tie in your "universal audience," relate to our interpretation of the speeches from a contemporary perspective!

Similarly, Margaret Atwood’s ‘Spotty Handed Villainesses’, also emphasises the imperative for justice, but alternatively through the denunciation of the inequitable portrayal of woman in literature. Like Sadat, Atwood also attempts to create social change through her speech, ultimately trying to incite equality for women, through the exploration of literature. Great introduction once again, very clearly sets the pace. Atwood’s speech was presented in 1994, to a highly educated, predominately female audience, over which Atwood held significant authority and credibility. As above.  Atwood effectively uses the metaphor of the cookie cutter, in relation to neo feminism, ‘there was also, in the first decade a tendency cookie cut: that is, to write to a pattern and over sugar on one side’, to demonstrate the oversimplification of female characters evident in early literature, and simultaneously challenge the ideas of neo feminism, thus positioning her to audience to question the justice of the representation of women, instilling a sense of moral responsibility to her audience by elucidating the unjust representation of women in literature. Expression was a bit clunky in that sentence, probably a bit too much in the one spot, this is the first one to jump out at me. It's almost a curse to be a clear writer like you are, because clunky sentences stand out like a sore thumb! This one is too long, at the very least split it in half   Atwood then employs satire in reference to this oversimplification, stating, ‘but they are usually problematic for novelists, unless the novelist has a secret desire to be in billboard advertising’, highlighting the superficiality of this kind of writing, and challenging its literary value. Try to be a little more natural with the transition to satire, something like "Atwood extends this notion through the use of satire," or similar? Atwood then urges change within her audience, exploring the effect literature has on our perceptions on women in real life – ‘art reflects life’. Three sentences in a row that start with "Atwood," mix it up a little! This is examined through the metaphor, ’It’s roots are in the mud; its flowers; if any, come out of the rawness of its raw materials’, in which Atwood analyses the influence depictions in literature can have on values in real life, elucidating the imperative for just portrayals of women in literature, illustrating the imperative for justice. These universal human values explored by both Attwood and Sadat in their speeches, paired with the effective use of rhetoric, create enduring texts which still hold significant relevance in present-day society.  Expression was a little sloppy in that paragraph, but ideas were still clear, very effective. Great conclusion here, but you DO still need one above!

Sadat’s speech also exemplifies the significance of history, urging his audience to learn from past atrocities, in order to create a more egalitarian society. He employs Pathos, through sensory imagery and emotive language, ‘the families of the 1973 October war are still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers’ to effectively portray the turmoil caused by the previous violence between the two countries, positioning the audience to view the repercussions of the hostility from a innately personal perspective. You could make your sentences a little shorter by picking your quote more carefully (see below for an example). By directly addressing the date of the conflict, rather than using a euphemism, Sadat’s sincerity is conveyed to the audience, and the gravity of the issue is emphasised. Awesome. Sadat invokes the metaphor of the ‘huge wall between us’, portraying the toxic ramifications of the countries’ violent histories. He then employs the anaphora of in relation to the psychological barrier - ‘A barrier of rejection’, depicting the manifestation of the two countries unrest. Be careful to to slip into Sadat does this, then Sadat does that... Be as abstract with your language as possible. The word "then" is slightly informal.  Following the acknowledgement of the psychological barrier, Sadat proposes a more equitable society with an absence of war, urging both countries to unite with the common objective of peace, through a string of rhetorical questions, “why don’t we stretch our hands with faith and sincerity so that, together, we might destroy this barrier?. As above, try not to turn your analysis into "this technique happened, then this technique happened," you can be much more clever than that. Why should we bequeath to the coming generations the plight if bloodshed death orphans widowhood, family disintegration and the wailing of victims? ‘ Through these rhetorical questions, extends an offer of peace, stimulating his audience to move toward notion of a diplomatic society, instilling a sense of responsibility to his audience, and depicting the disastrous and inevitable outcomes if the countries don’t join hands, thus effectively exemplifying the significance of history, and urging his audience to learn from past atrocities.

Although similar to Sadat’s ideas, Atwood examines the historic representations of women in literature, inspiring her audience to abandon the trivial simplification of women in favour of a more egalitarian society. Your concepts are absolutely brilliant, very well though up! Atwood seeks this purpose, through invoking a wealth of literary allusions, including the literary juxtaposition of Lady Macbeth and Ophelia, ’Lady Macbeth was spotted, Ophelia unspotted, both came to sticky ends, but there’s a world of difference’. Again, this quote is too long for the effect it has, in fact in this one you could probably get away without the quote! She alludes to dozens of books in this speech, it is almost a stylistic feature. Through this juxtaposition Attwood endorses the intricacies of female characters, and illustrates the values of such complexities in creating enduring literature, while appealing to her well-educated audiences’ appreciation of literary works. Attwood also challenges the superficial perceptions of women evident in neo feminism, through the rhetorical question, ‘weren’t women supposed by nature to be communal egalitarians?/were men to get all the juicy parts? ’, positioning her audience to question the disparity in depth of character between males and females in neo feminist literature. Following this, Atwood empowers her audience to confront these inequitable portrayals, through the exclamations, ’Women characters arise! Take back the night!’, thus, effectively questioning the simplification of women in past literature and neo feminism. Therefore, both Atwood and Sadat effectively explore historical inadequacies, in order to mould a morally just societies, in Sadat’s case free of conflict, and in Atwood’s case fair and equitable, not only in their immediate contexts, but for future generations.

I think you should be feeling really confident Sam! This is a fantastic essay with lots of stuff that it does really really, really well. Your analysis is extremely effective, clear and well defined around key concepts, the structure makes sense, all that good stuff. It is a pleasure to read!

I'd consider two main weaknesses; one easy to fix one more difficult. One, you need a conclusion. A kind of "this is what I covered, this is what we conclude" sort of thing. Let me know if you need any help with this, but make sure you have one for the essay (and every paragraph).

My second suggestion would be to ensure that you are linking to the "universal audience," and "transcending contexts." You set this up brilliantly in the introduction and then I don't see too much of it explicitly for the next few paragraphs. Try and be a bit more clear about the impact on us (specifically, yourself) as responder(s), this will ensure you really hammer the idea of the module home

As a side note, your writing is a at the point where you can really play with expression to cut words out/make yourself sound more sophisticated. Here is an example from your essay:

He employs Pathos, through sensory imagery and emotive language, ‘the families of the 1973 October war are still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons, fathers and brothers’ to effectively portray the turmoil caused by the previous violence between the two countries, positioning the audience to view the repercussions of the hostility from a innately personal perspective.

Becomes:

Sadat's use of sensory imagery and emotive language in describing the victims "still moaning under the cruel pains of widowhood and bereavement of sons," effectively portrays the turmoil caused by prior contextual knowledge, thus positioning the audience to view the repercussions of war and conflict.

Second one is virtually identical, just playing with the word trims you remove nearly a whole line from your writing! The ordering of ideas is a little more natural, and I've incorporated the quote into my explanation itself. Read over your sentences, see if there is any possible way you could express it better!

All that said, you have an excellent framework here Sam, your next step should be getting this to paper for some practice attempts for specific questions! Well done!

[Sssssrr]

Thanks so much Jamon, this was incredibly reassuring and helpful
sam

[MarkThor]

Hi Guys, was hoping you could please mark my adaptable Module C essay on Auden's poetry;

Spoiler

Political figures and systems affect individuals in different ways, and composers often utilise form and techniques that will best represent their own perspectives. W.H. Auden employs literary techniques along with his ironic utilisation of poetic form in order to reveal the detrimental effects of his contemporary regimes on the individual in his poems ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ (1932), ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’ (1939) and ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’ (1939). Sammy J similarly mockingly depicts immigration detention centres in his black comedy filled parody podcast How to make an immigration detention centre (2016), in order to effectively convince his audience of immorality of such centres. Conversely, Malala Yousafzai persuades the United Nations in her rhetoric (2013) of the need for people to be educated and actively engaged in politics through her profound metaphors and personal anecdotes.

Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals.

He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule.

In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies.

Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim.  The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it”
Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia.

Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014.


(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Guys, was hoping you could please mark my adaptable Module C essay on Auden's poetry;

Sure thing Mark! You are on the list, I'll be doing a mark run either tonight or tomorrow morning

[MarkThor]

Sure thing Mark! You are on the list, I'll be doing a mark run either tonight or tomorrow morning

Thanks Jamon

[arleee]

Hey, was hoping you might spare a look at my Mod C people and landscapes essay.
I'm a sucker for loads of feedback and would really appreciate it!

Spoiler

Textual form is integral for not only shaping an audience’s understanding of people and their relationship with the landscape, but also for the composer to represent their personal perspectives of travel and the effect of changing landscapes upon the individual.The manipulation of textual form influences audiences’ understanding of the transformative power of the relationship between individuals and the landscape. The use of different forms allows new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, the meaning of which are in turn influenced by people who live with the land. Texts such as Alain de Botton’s novel The Art of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel and Ron Fricke’s documentary Baraka provide insight into how textual form influences meaning.

Within Alain de Botton’s multimodal text, The Art of Travel, elements of a travel guide are utilised to raise philosophical questions about the transformative effect landscapes have upon an individual. This is evident when the narrator says“…our identities are to a greater or lesser extent malleable; that we change according to whom and sometime what - we are with.” (p.147) Alain de Botton employs a questioning and critical narrative voice to examine each stage of travel. His novel acts as a transformative journey for his protagonist, whose understanding of travel and the relationship people have with it, grows and develops. The beginning of this growth is evident in Chapter One when de Botton states “the swiftness of the plane’s ascent as an exemplary symbol of transformation.” (pg. 38) The plane ascending is symbolic of the protagonist’s ascension to a greater understanding of the metamorphic nature that individuals have in their relationship with new and changing landscapes.

Alain de Botton manipulates textual form to produce a type of writing that mixes “intimate experiences and more abstract reactions” to not just assert the transformative effect of one’s relationship with the landscape, but to try to “show” them as well. Within the novel, de Botton uses artworks, such as Hodge’s images of Tahiti, to depict various landscapes to provide audiences with a visual insight into the landscapes that he describes. As John Toolan states, de Botton utilises a multi-modal form to “depict and reflect upon the journey and the transformation that comes with it.” Throughout the novel de Botton mixes personal thought with insights drawn from some of the great figures of the past. His discussion of Wordsworth's love of the English countryside exemplifies this. His integration of these observations enables him to provide multiple perspectives of travel and it’s effect upon the individual. He thus uses textual form to enhance the meaning of the relationship between individuals and the changing landscapes.

Ron Fricke’s non-verbal documentary also depicts a journey, however this transformative journey focuses on the changing relationships that people have with both natural and man-made landscapes. Originally shot in 25 different countries on six continents, the documentary Baraka brought together a series of stunningly photographed scenes to capture what director Ron Fricke calls “a guided meditation on human development.” The film is filled with vivid scenes of human interaction with beautiful and serene nature and is contrasted with bustling scenes in immense cities. One such example is the scene set in Japan where a monk is meditating over a carefully manicured meditation garden. Fricke carefully chose the procession of scenes and the meaning which comes from each. He leads the audience on a carefully crafted journey intended to evoke new perceptions and understanding of the changing relationships people have with the landscape. As producer Mark Magidson stated in an interview “the goal of the film was to reach past language, nationality, religion and politics and speak to the inner viewer.” By breaching cultural constraints, the film provides an unadulterated perspective of the close connection between the people and the land. Fricke depicts man’s relationship with the land transforming from being peaceful to unbalanced and chaotic, before depicting the relationship being once again in balance. He utilises this cyclical structure to show man’s changing relationship with the landscape and to comment on how individuals today should revert back to living harmoniously with nature. Through manipulating textual form, Fricke’s film enhances the audience’s understanding of the transformative nature of this relationship.

In contrast, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel questions the relationship people have with the landscape. Similar to de Botton, Bishop manipulates traditional textual form, in this case, poetry, in an attempt to evoke a deep philosophical questioning about the purpose of travel and its transformative effect upon the individual. This is evident within the second stanza of the poem where Bishop poses nine questions and asks the audience to consider them. The first line,“Think of the long trip home”, is intended to evoke imagery of the long journey back home. However, upon reflection, Bishop is commenting on how all travel is in fact an attempt to find a home that the restless wanderer cannot find. This is reflected in The Art of Travel, where de Botton philosophically states that “what we find exotic abroad may be what we hunger for in vain at home.” (pg. 148)

Bishop utilises a formal shift in the last stanzas of the poem, moving from rhetorical questioning to reflections in italics. She employs this technique to remind the audience of the inherent arbitrary nature of one’s attempts to answer questions regarding one’s understanding of the relationship between an individual and the landscape.The poem begins with questions, and, in defiance of the tradition of a conventional question-and-answer structure, closes with one as well. She utilises this form to cause audiences to reflect upon previously held perspectives of the effect of travel upon the individual. Bishop’s disregard for the traditional form reflects her critique of humanity’s tendency to gravitate to the comforting familiar so as not to face confronting new perspectives and understandings of the connection between individuals and the land. The speaker’s inability to come to a definite conclusion suggests that the question itself, and one’s interpretation of it, may be as crucial as the answers she seeks. “Should we have stayed at home, wherever that may be?”  By manipulating textual form, Bishop evokes a deep questioning, the answers of which enhance newly found perspectives of the transformative relationship between a traveler and the need for travel itself.

The understanding of the transformative effect of relationships is deepened by composers representing new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, the meanings of which are in turn influenced by individuals who live on the land.
Within The Art of Travel, Alain de Botton states that to gain new perspectives of real and cultural landscapes, one must first gain new perspectives of themselves and the landscape around them. This is evident when he states“instead of bringing back 1600 plants, we might return from our journeys with a collection of small unfêted but life-enhancing thoughts.” The Art of Travel  promotes the art of self-reflection. De Botton elucidates throughout the novel that travel acts as a catalyst for new perspectives and understandings of real and cultural landscapes, reaffirming that “new thoughts” require “new places”(pg. 46) 

This idea is reflected within Elizabeth Bishop’s poem when she comments on the “golden silence in which the traveller takes a notebook and writes”, making allusions to Blaise Pascal’s concept that all of man’s problems originate from his inability to sit “quietly in one’s room”. Elizabeth Bishop examines self-reflection and the traveller, coming to the conclusion that it would be a “pity” not to see the sights of the world. Questions of Travel shows a progression of thoughts from observing how different travellers perceptions of real and cultural landscapes vary, to concluding that the “wonder” of travel offers a richness. Through these contrasting views, Bishop provides audiences with new and enhanced insight into the effect of travel upon the world and the individual.

Within Baraka, Ron Fricke creates a window into the complexities and contradictions of human nature. The film acts as a reflection on real and cultural landscapes and the influence of individuals who live there on the land. One example is the scene where a man bathes in the holy waters of the river Ganges. Behind him on the steps of the river is a dead body wrapped in a white sheet. The depiction of the closeness of life and death raises the audiences existentialist reflections upon the purpose of life. Such thoughts are expressions of the spiritual dimension of human nature, such as those offered within Questions of Travel, Baraka allows audiences to question the deep connection between individuals and their cultural landscape. The audience’s reflection upon Fricke’s portrayal of individuals and the land catalyses new perspectives of the intrinsic relationship between real and cultural landscapes. Cultural landscapes are influenced by the real landscapes, which in turn are influenced by the individuals who occupy the land and give it cultural meaning.  The title of the film, Baraka, is Sanskrit for “breath of life”; this “breath of life” is provided by the new perspectives and understandings audiences encounter throughout the film.

Through the manipulation of textual form, texts such as Alain de Botton’s novel The Art of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem Questions of Travel and Ron Fricke’s documentary Baraka provide audiences with insight into how textual form influences meaning. By evoking philosophical questioning both Elizabeth Bishop’s Questions of Travel and Alain de Botton’s The Art of Travel provide audiences with new perspectives and understanding of the transformative effect of the relationship between individuals and the land. The understanding of the transformative effect of these relationships is then deepened by composers representing aspects of their personal perspectives of real and cultural landscapes.They also examine and enhance the intrinsic relationship individuals who live on the land have with it and the influence these individuals have upon the land. All three texts, despite their different textual forms, give their audiences new and enhanced perspectives of the integral role that textual form has in the shaping of understanding.

Mod Edit: Added Spoiler

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey, was hoping you might spare a look at my Mod C people and landscapes essay.
I'm a sucker for loads of feedback and would really appreciate it!

Hey arlee! Welcome to the forums!

We would love to give you feedback on your essay, however the essay marking policy requires 15 posts per essay marked. This is to ensure that the feedback goes to active members of the ATAR Notes community, and that the service remains viable for the markers. If you hang around the site for a bit, I bet you'll rack up the post count really quick, you may even like to start by introducing yourself in our Make Your First Post! thread  thanks in advance!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Guys, was hoping you could please mark my adaptable Module C essay on Auden's poetry;

Hey Mark! Your essay is attached with comments in bold

Spoiler

Political figures and systems affect individuals in different ways, and composers often utilise form and techniques that will best represent their own perspectives. A little bit vague on the link between politics and composers there, Thesis isn't 100% clear. You may want to expand to two sentences. W.H. Auden employs literary techniques along with his ironic utilisation of poetic form in order to reveal the detrimental effects of his contemporary regimes on the individual in his poems ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ (1932), ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’ (1939) and ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’ (1939). Good quick introduction of text and themes. Sammy J similarly mockingly depicts immigration detention centres in his black comedy filled parody podcast How to make an immigration detention centre (2016), in order to effectively convince his audience of immorality of such centres. Conversely, Malala Yousafzai persuades the United Nations in her rhetoric (2013) of the need for people to be educated and actively engaged in politics through her profound metaphors and personal anecdotes. Two related texts is a good preparatory choice just in case, but do know that it is unlikely to be required! Good intro, but some more clarity in your Thesis and a more conclusive finish would be welcome.

Auden ironically uses the form and structure of a traditional ballad poem in ‘O WHAT IS THAT SOUND WHICH SO THRILLS THE EAR’ to enable the audience to perceive how militaristic states intrude on the lives of individuals. A more conceptual start could be beneficial to you, but this does work well. The constant anaphora of “O” sets a fearing tone towards the unknown motives of the soldiers, and represents an eventual desperation caused by their final unstoppable destructive actions, which mirrors those of his contemporary states such as Nazi Germany’s persecution of minorities. Good link to context, great analysis. Auden also creates juxtaposition between the imagery in the opening stanza of the soldiers who “step lightly”, signifying their original minimal intrusion in the life of individuals, and the destructive imagery of the concluding stanza, where the revelation that the soldiers’ “boots are heavy on the floor” and their “eyes are burning” represents the true obtrusive nature of militaristic regimes. Great. This warning is reflective of the interbellum period, where Auden perceived the rising popularity of militarism within nations. The inversion of the tradition border ballad form to illustrate militarism’s unprepossessing nature, rather than it’s glories, Auden creates irony to illustrate that such regimes should not be glorified, but rather discouraged due to their negative effects on individuals. Slightly expression issue there, add "Through the" to the start of the sentence. Thus Auden is able to successfully communicate his perception of the invasiveness of militarism on individuals. Great first paragraph, effective analysis, I'd like to see some more explicit consideration of the effects on Auden's audience, and us as universal responders. Contextual links are fabulous.

He again creates irony in his reflective poem ‘EPITAPH ON A TYRANT’, satirically criticising tyrants in general, and the way they inevitably negatively affect individuals. The omission of any specific details about a certain tyrant creates ambiguity, allowing Auden to target tyrannical rule in general, the likes of which Auden experienced with the rise of Hitler when he lived in 1929 Berlin, and with Franco during his participation for the Republicans in the Spanish Civil War. Great contextual links, but this ambiguity would be a great chance to highlight the relevance to us as universal responders, how Auden creates meaning beyond his own context.  The title including ‘epitaph’ implies a celebratory reflection of the positive aspects of tyrants, is initially reflected by aspects such as the positive idiom that a tyrants knows “human folly like the back of his hand”, as the metaphor shows how tyrants understand the faults of humanity. However it is also adianoeta which hints at the darker side of tyrants, through the negative connotation of the tyrant smacking down the populace. This emphasises that although they may be intelligent, tyrants possess some of the worst human faults. Great!. These destructive faults are reinforced by the final juxtaposing line of the poem “when he cried the kids in the streets died”, which is an appropriated quote from J.H. Motley, acting as an ironic allusion to Motley’s much kinder words about the great ruler William the Silent. This combines with the evocative imagery to illustrate how tyrants inevitably are terrible rulers who ultimately cause extreme harm to the individuals they rule over. This subverting of the initial expectation for a positive reflecting epitaph emphasises to not become complacent with tyrannical rule. I think the expression in the last phrase of the conclusion is a little off, but the paragraph on the whole is fantastic. Well argued conceptual focus. My only comment would again be to consider the audience a little more explicitly.

In ‘THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN’, Auden’s parody of a commemorating elegy allows him to illustrate his view that individuality was suppressed due to political states who encouraged conformity. The title “THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN” is a parody to the serious US military concept of the unknown soldier, and mocks the way unidentified soldiers are glorified for simply fighting and dying in war as commanded by their Government. Auden draws parallels from this allusion to the unknown citizen who is celebrated for being extremely “normal” and conformist, as encouraged by his Government. What is the significance of these allusions? What does it show us about suppression of individuality? Auden creates irony through the flat businesslike tone that undercuts the poem and the alphanumeric epigraph, which display no emotion towards the citizen, highlighting how individuality was often disregarded by political systems in favour of conformity, echoing Auden’s perception of the politics in totalitarian regimes such as Nazi Germany and Stalin’s USSR, as well as in other nations such as the United States. Excellent. The celebration of this citizen, who didn’t achieve anything, is again mocked through the litotes that illustrate his conformity as “there was no official complaint”. This satiric list of accomplishments illustrates how praise is replaced by the absence of criticism, showing how nations purely promote conformity rather than amazing achievements. The final rhetorical questions “Was he happy? Was he free? are the two most important questions and are dismissed as “absurd”, highlighting that these governments do not care for the individual, but simply wish for them to conform. Thus by creating a parodied elegy Auden represents his negative criticism on the enforcement of conformity by differing political ideologies. Again, fantastic paragraph, just ensure that every example is linked to your concept explicitly. More mention of the audience is once again needed to really boost your response.

Sammy J persuades the audience to accept his perspective of the immorality of detention centres through his ironic children’s television form and frequent black comedy. What greater theme at large is he pushing? Try to make the paragraphs as conceptual as possible (as you did earlier), then only use the specific subject matter as the example.  The mis-en-scene of playschool combines with Sammy J’s sarcastic tone “we don’t want anyone getting hurt” in order to mock the lack of seriousness Australians deal with detention centres, creating irony as these centres often result in the harm of refugees even though their safety is an initial aim.  Good. The intertextuality of the “row your boat” song represents some Australians’ ignorance to the true state of the issue, as they think everything is going as “merrily” as in the song. What does the intertextual allusion itself, beyond the words in the allusion, actually accomplish? This sort of higher level thinking is your next step. Sammy J uses black comedy through the juxtaposition of the problems of Australian and refugee children to further reinforces their dire situation as “there is no broccoli, and often no mum or dad.” What effect does this have on a privileged Australian audience? Sammy J also uses the literal and metaphorical meaning of the 1st page of the United Nations Refugee Convention of 1951 not looking “like it provides any protection whatsoever” to encourage newer and more effective action in regards to refugees and detention centres. Sammy J then gives factual information about a refugee costing “$400 000 a year to put her in here” hyperbolising the importance of required change in the situation as it is not very effective as it has been put “under a rug” and Australians often “try not to think about it." Sammy J’s harsh depiction of detention centres in his mocking playschool style podcast emphasises the idiocy the issue is handled with in Australia. Be careful of an incompatibility there; you don't hyperbolise using facts. Another effective paragraph, though not quite as effective as those for your Prescribed Text.

Malala Yousafzai’s personal anecdotes and profound metaphors enable her to convey her viewpoint that all individuals should receive education and be politically active in her address to the United Nations (2013). The need for her to express this insight was engendered by the War in Northwest Pakistan between State of Pakistan & armed militant groups, such as the Taliban & al-Qaeda. Good contextual introduction here, sets the scene quickly and effectively, though I'd like to see some links to how this context is obvious in the speech. She uses the anecdote “in Swat, the north of Pakistan, we realised the importance of pens and books when we saw the guns.” Which acts as an extended metaphor throughout her speech, and conveys her own personal experience in understanding the common maxim that emphasises the importance of education in order to combat violence. Good, though the expression there could be tidied a little. She then uses another anecdote in the tricola to express how even after she was shot in the head by the Taliban for attending school, through her education “weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.” The antithesis of the emotions and traits that died and the ones that were born cerate a juxtaposition that emphasises that the key to fighting the Taliban is education. Yousafzai then utilises high modality in her metaphor “We will speak up for our rights and bring change through our voice.” To again emphasise that through engagement in politics, individuals are able to initiate change, that along with education is to the benefit of society. Watch the structuring here, I'm noticing you finishing a sentence with a quote, then starting a new sentence with "To again emphasise...," that isn't quite correct syntax, you need to either use a comma instead of a full stop, or link back to the quote explicitly, otherwise the start of your sentence sounds off. Through orating a powerful and compelling piece of rhetoric, Yousafzai is able to encourage the UN and other countries to help educate individuals. The impact of her rhetorical techniques can be seen through the effect of her address and her perspective, being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014. Nice little touch on the end there, good significance evidence.


(Summarise what you have shown the reader about your thesis)
A composer’s effective portrayal of differing political perspectives through expert utilisation of different techniques enables their audiences’ apprehension of them in their texts. Ensure this conclusion is developed more for the real deal, it needs to be 3-4 sentences.

Overall, a really fantastic essay Mark! Great analysis with well argued points and effective textual references, excellent work! My only two (minor) concerns would be:

1 - Try to make more explicit references to the audience. This module is about how meaning is crafted through deliberate representational choices, and you can accentuate this argument by referencing specifically how Auden (and others) have created meaning for specific audiences (contextual and universal).

2 - Watch your expression doesn't turn into "Auden then ....",  "Auden then uses ....". It seems very chronological and slips your analysis down a little, because it seems like you are just going, "Yeah, used this technique, did this, then used this technique, did this," rather than making deliberate choices from parts of the speech that are relevant to your concept. Just being a little more abstract would make the essay a tad more powerful

On the whole though, definitely Band 6 material in my opinion, fantastic work Mark

[MarkThor]

Thanks heaps Jamon 

[Elfen]

Hi!! This is my comparative essay draft, I haven't done one before so could you please give me feedback on the structure and analysis? I wasn't sure if this forum was only for year 12s, but i'll upload it anyways. Thanks

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi!! This is my comparative essay draft, I haven't done one before so could you please give me feedback on the structure and analysis? I wasn't sure if this forum was only for year 12s, but i'll upload it anyways. Thanks

Hey Elfen! Welcome to the forums! you can definitely post your work here!!

We would love to give you feedback on your essay, however the essay marking policy requires 15 posts per essay marked. This is to ensure that the feedback goes to active members of the ATAR Notes community, and that the service remains viable for the markers. If you hang around the site for a bit, I bet you'll rack up the post count really quick, you may even like to start by introducing yourself in our Make Your First Post! thread  thanks in advance!

[conic curve]

So this is a Mod B paragraph and I just want to know how I could improve on it

The desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland

[Lauradf36]

So this is a Mod B paragraph and I just want to know how I could improve on it

Personal thoughts (not gospel):

The desire of power having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth', which can be observed in the different ways in which power is manifested throughout the play. where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. This sentence needs to be divided somehow as it is quite convoluted and lengthy - I would personally start a new sentence at "this has been demonstrated". I would also suggest making the quotation marks clearer. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above Also use quotation marks when you are referring to parts of the quote. are used to emphasize Specific technique?the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. This last sentence could have more sophistication - maybe link it more clearly to your opening line.

Overall, you could improve this in its sophistication, maybe just do some reworking/editing. I would also personally integrate some context and maybe add another quote to beef it up a bit. But imho, you're definitely going great!

[jamonwindeyer]

So this is a Mod B paragraph and I just want to know how I could improve on it

Hey conic! Laura beat me to the punch, thanks Laura! I'd take your word as Gospel Some additional comments from me though:

Spoiler

The desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. Some slight expression issues in the first part of that sentence, perhaps adding "and" after power would help? I'd also like to see you go into a bit more depth with the idea. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Definitely too long a sentence hear; split it into two or even three. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. Expression issues here as well, and also slipping into retell.

Overall, your expression would be the main area for improvement I'd raise, read it out to yourself to try and spot where the sentence don't quite flow. Further, you'll need to analyse more than one quote in a Module B paragraph, try to aim for 3 at a minimum! What you did do was effective, though perhaps look at doing it in less words so you can get more done within the time limit!

[conic curve]

Hey conic! Laura beat me to the punch, thanks Laura! I'd take your word as Gospel Some additional comments from me though:

Spoiler

The desire of power of having a high status of nobility is a significant feature in 'Macbeth'. Some slight expression issues in the first part of that sentence, perhaps adding "and" after power would help? I'd also like to see you go into a bit more depth with the idea. This has been observed in the different ways in which power can be manifested through the play where Macduff tests Malcolm's loyalty by describing his reproachable qualities of becoming trustworthy by demeaning his own nobility and professing himself to be a greater tyrant then Macbeth as this has been demonstrated in the closing stanza of Act 4 scene 3, through the repetition of the word 'power', 'come, go we to the king; our power is ready; our lack is nothing but our leave; Macbeth. Definitely too long a sentence hear; split it into two or even three. Is ripe for shaking and the powers above used to emphasize the significance of Macbeth's power compared to that of Macduff and Malcolm and how they want to take him over and claim that Malcolm should be the next king of Scotland. Expression issues here as well, and also slipping into retell.

Overall, your expression would be the main area for improvement I'd raise, read it out to yourself to try and spot where the sentence don't quite flow. Further, you'll need to analyse more than one quote in a Module B paragraph, try to aim for 3 at a minimum! What you did do was effective, though perhaps look at doing it in less words so you can get more done within the time limit!

If you were to do it for a module A paragraph, how would I do it?