I'm not stupid

[visiblegirl]

Hi all, I know this is going to sound utterly up myself so here’s your warning. Click off now if you’re bothered by the refuting of grades based on the self-interpretation of one’s own intelligence. (Case in point: that sentence.)

Basically my ATAR is going to make me seem utterly incompetent. I’m Year 11 so my grades aren’t that important right now but I may not even get the S in my subjects that I need. I’m not taking a maths or science - I am currently studying: Legal, Media, English, Literature, an Philosophy. I enjoy these subjects for the most part and I dropped down from 6 because Just Depression and Anxiety Things. My school is incredible with supporting me, they have allowed special considerations based on my physiatrist’s advice, ensured me all they expect is for me to pass, provided a system for my panic attacks, and just generally been wonderful. My parent’s don’t put pressure on me. The main problem is the pressure I put on myself.

Last year I was a straight A+ student in English and often received perfect marks. This year it is up and down - my grades are starting to replicate my mood disorder. (Bit of mental health humour.) My highest mark in English so far this year was 39 out of 40 but that’s surrounded by a sea of Cs and Bs. Maybe this distressing me so much because the subject used to wield easily achieved high marks but every subject is like this. Literature is Ds and Cs. Legal is abysmal. Media is alright. Philosophy is my favourite subject even if I’m awful at it: the class discussion (there are only 5 of us) is a good trade off for the terrible grades.

My school has recently agreed to withhold my grades from me, only having my teacher’s return my work with feedback and showing my actual letter grade or percentage to the school and my parents. I have a feeling this will help but there are other problems on the horizon.

Attendance, for starters, is something I struggle with. I’d say I’m at around 80 to 75% when I need 90% (although I’ve been told I’m likely to still pass my subjects if I don’t take any more time off). Some days I just can’t bring myself to get out of bed, some days my heart condition plays up, some days I’m sick, some days I’m just too stressed or depressed to move.

The other problem is my aforementioned anxiety and depression. I work myself up being so incredible overwhelmed and stressed about my grades but then I’m too lethargic or teary to actually do the work. I submit the bare minimum sometimes just so it shows that’s I’m doing something (even if it’s not substantial). All I want a lot of the time is to skip forward five years or just to every weekend.

I have no idea what my future is going to hold. University? Will I actually pass? Will I get a job? I don’t know anymore.

TLDR: my ATAR is likely going to be shit but I don’t think I’m as stupid as it will make me seem.

[Opengangs]

Hey, visiblegirl.

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know that a shit ATAR doesn't mean anything in the long run. People still find a way to get into university without an ATAR; people are still successful without the need for an ATAR. It just may take longer. Does that make someone stupid? Certainly not.

I was never an A-grade student, and for most of my high school experience, I was sitting in the C range. In NSW, we have three levels of maths in Year 10 (5.3, 5.2, and 5.1). 5.3 meant that you were competent enough to study harder mathematics, while 5.2 and 5.1 allowed you to work at your own pace. I was a 5.2 student, but did that mean I was stupid? I may not have worked hard enough yes, but that certainly didn't mean I was "stupid".

Universities are really lenient with UG admission, and they offer admission schemes for underprivileged students or students going through hardships. If you feel your medical condition will ruin your university chances, ask your teachers about these admission schemes. I know University of Melbourne offers Year 11/12 Special Consideration, which you can find more information about here. RMIT also offers special consideration.

At the end of the day, no number (high or low) can ever define how smart or dumb you are; you can take it to mean that way if you wish, or you can shrug it off. Hopefully, this helps you.

And hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, we're all here to help as much as we can.

[PhoenixxFire]

Hey,

First of all, please don't feel like you have to justify how you're feeling. It is normal to feel confused and lost when you start struggling with something you are used to excelling in. Also worth noting that it is quite common for grades to change from year 10 to year 11 as teachers start to mark more harshly for VCE. Your ATAR by no means defines intelligence, it is just an number used for uni entrance, which, as OG has pointed out, doesn't necessarily limit your uni options anyway.

I don’t think I’m as stupid as it will make me seem.

You are entirely correct. Regardless of what ATAR you get, it does not define intelligence. As I said, it's just a way to get into uni, you don't even have to know what you get if you don't want to, you could always just wait and see what offers you get, as that is all the ATAR is useful for anyway. Once you're at uni, or whatever you decide to do after high school, no one is going to care what ATAR you got.

You said that your marks fluctuate, which I'm thinking would probably mean that you're productivity also fluctuates? Would it be possible to ask your teacher to give you a schedule of the work you have coming up or something like that, so that you can work ahead when you're feeling okay, and then not have to worry about it being behind so much when you're not?

[Bri MT]

Hey,

I empathise with that.  Year 7 me seemed to blitz everything but by the time I got to year 9 I was having huge motivation issues,  unable to get myself to do work then berating myself for that.  Comparing how I was my behaviours then ("horrible" "not living up to potential" "disappointment" etc.) to how I wished I was & thought I should be.
I'd started to make some progress and was getting a bit better by the end of the year,  but I was still told that I wasn't going to be able to cope with VCE, not because of my intelligence but because of the other things.  End of year 11 and the same teacher was proud of me, I'd gotten the highest study score the school had seen at that point,  & I was in a much,  much better space. 

I'm not saying you'll be able to turn things around by the end of this year,  or even next year.  But you're not defined by this & you are more than capable of turning things around.  It'll take time, effort, and a lot of the time you won't see the invisible progress you're making and it might be that no one else can see it for longer.  But that doesn't invalidate your progress,  it doesn't stop it from being real. 

As a uni student, I promise you that once you get into your course that's the important thing - not how you got there.
As someone who has struggled with low achieving as a high achiever I promise that this does not define you or weaken you & that things get better.

[vox nihili]

Just to add to the wonderful contributions people have already made, I think all of what you said sounds completely fair enough. If you're sick, you're sick. Sometimes it can be really tricky to do work when you're sickness, particularly when those sicknesses sap your energy and make doing work in and of itself really hard.

Your value shouldn't come from your ATAR. Although getting a good ATAR is a way of fast-tracking "success", it is certainly not the be all and end all. Look after yourself

[K888]

Again, adding to the fantastic words already shared here

Don't want to flog a dead horse by saying how the ATAR doesn't measure intelligence, your marks don't measure your value, etc. so I'll just cut to it - you mentioned not knowing what your future will hold. Easier said than done, but don't sweat it - you don't have to know what you want to do in the future while you're still in school (I'd argue that most people don't!). Once you've finished high school, if you decide to pursue uni, you can always study part time or choose flexible learning options (online learning, etc.) -- there's heaps of options.

In the end, your health is the most important thing there is. Everything else can wait.

[visiblegirl]

Thank you to everyone for your supportive responses. I’m trying to remain positive as thirty minutes ago I had a Philosophy outcome in which I answered 0 questions (no S for me) so I’ll have to resit it.

[Bri MT]

Thank you to everyone for your supportive responses. I’m trying to remain positive as thirty minutes ago I had a Philosophy outcome in which I answered 0 questions (no S for me) so I’ll have to resit it.

No problem at all

The fact that you're trying to be positive about it - that matters.
Imo, it matters a whole lot more than the fact that you'll be ressitting it.

Good luck with your resit, & more importantly,  good luck with everything else.