Elia Kazan’s narrative “On the Waterfront” explores love, courage and the redemption that an individual can seek within a morally corrupt society. [Perhaps consider rewording this? I had to reread it a couple of times to understand exactly what you meant] The film – stimulated throughout by the protagonist Terry Malloy - depicts his moral struggle to identify with himself as an individual and [missing verb] find/discover/uncover where he stands between the evil Johnny Friendly and the good of Edie Doyle and Father Barry.[Watch punctuation here. Try reading it out aloud in your head (I know contradictory) and seeing if what you've written actually flows.] Whilst Edie’s innocence and virtue does attracts Malloy – perhaps even sparking love between them, - it she is merely a contributing factor that causes him to change and develop. Therefore, it is evident that there are other factors - such as Malloy’s pure guilty conscious conscience that harbours the guilt of over Joey Doyle’s death as well as and Father Barry’s determination and inspiration- [that is are the cause of the change that occurs in Terry. Thus, whilst the narrative echoes Kazan’s own transition [what transition? Be specific. His transition from loyal member of communist party to informer to the HUAC?] and experiences, it is apparent that Malloy is not a character, rather a figure that comes to understand the importance of telling the “truth.” [Not understanding what you mean here, Terry is a character in the film. Did you mean not merely just one of Kazan's characters? Or something to that effect?]
The character of [not needed] Edie Doyle is one of influence and importance, working on par with Father Barry as a moral agents guiding Terry through his transformation. It is evident that she impacts Malloy on a very intimate level and attracts Malloy through her allure and [not really needed] almost angelic like personality. This is visible through in/during the park scene, when Edie drops her glove, and Terry casually plays with it and then puts her white glove on [Maybe a rewording such as; "This is visible in the park scene where Edie drops her glove. Terry picks the glove up and is seen casually playing with it and even trying it on before giving it back to her."]. Acting as a symbol [of what?], serving to shift the dynamics of the scene and exposing a new layer of Edie and Malloy’s sexuality and vulnerability, the glove acts as forms [avoid repetition] an extension of Edie herself and hence the gesture of Terry picking the glove up is both friendly and flirtatious. It is through this scene that we see Terry’s new found love for her that creates a desire for him to please and protect her [Perhaps, "It is through the interactions between Terry and Edie during this scene that Terry's love for Edie is revealed to the audience. This helps the viewer understand Terry's desire to protect and please her]. Furthermore Likewise/Similarly, Father Barry also acts as one of the greater influences on Malloy – constantly challenging him to do what is “right.” Serving to inspire Malloy, it is evident the effect he Fr. Barry has on him Terry through his courage filled sermon. As the camera focuses on Father Barry from a high angle, he is positioned as one of the handful few? agents of good – making his stance against the mob all the more honourable - which in turn causes Malloy to defend him. By telling one of Johnny Friendly’s thugs to “let him speak” his care for Fr. Barry and quest for redemption becomes apparent as he clearly shows the audience the goodness within him. Hence, although Terry’s love for Edie can be considered the cause for his change, it is merely a contributing factor alongside Father Barry’s inspiration that causes him to change. [Here you essentially contradict yourself in the same sentence. Perhaps you mean something along the lines of, "Hence, although Terry's love for Edie could be considered a major component of the cause of his change, it is not the only one. Terry is also impacted by the inspirational sermon given by Fr. Barry.]
However, the catalysts for change in Terry are not only limited to Edie and Father Barry,. Certain transpiring events events that transpired also acted as catalysts within the film that and make Malloy question himself and the individuals that surround him. We witness Terry consistently be referred to as a “kid” and a “bum” throughout the entirety of the film – which. This becomes increasingly uncomfortable for Malloy as he then seeks ways in which to redeem himself. From the onset of the film, after coming to the realisation that he was manipulated into assisting the murder of Joey Doyle, it is immediately apparent through the camera close up of on his terry's face in front of Johnny Friendly’s bar that his he feels guilt and remorse of for his actions. Although not entirely his fault, Malloy takes responsibility for the death and is recognised as troubled by Friendly ash he asks [could simply use the quote afterwards. I understand integrating the quote but saying,"he said" isn't a good way to do achieve this] “What’s gotten into him.” Through the famous car ride scene, we see Malloy Terry [Be careful here, both Charley and Terry are Malloy. Here first names are needed] step up a level as he challenges his brother Charley informing him that it was his fault he ended up with such little self respect as “he could’ve been a contender.” Acting as a major pivotal for his transformation he is perceived as a whole new individual – more courageous and firm, - rising above all the evil that exists on the dark and depressing setting of “On the Waterfront.” The use of the gerund here is not necessary and does not flow well. Maybe you want something more likes this; "This acts as a major pivotal point in Terry's transformation as Terry is perceived as an entirely different individual; one who is more courageous and firm, rising above all the evil that exists on the dark and depressing setting of "On the Waterfront"." Ultimately, we see that Terry too influences and impacts himself as it is his conscious that causes him to realise the calibre of the mobs manipulation.
Whilst Terry is heavily influenced in the narrative, it is he who takes the final step to in his transformation from a “bum” to a man that demands his “rights.” Although Edie and his love for her impact him greatly, it is Terry that makes the final decision to make take a stance stand against the mob and stand up for champion what is right. Regardless of Father Barry’s perseverance and assistance in trying to stop Terry doing anything wreck less reckless, it is Terry’s entire journey that acts as a moral awakening as his new found principles become a priority in the fight against the evil that is Johnny Friendly. Serving as a ticket to redemption, Malloy whilst informing on Friendly not only avenges his brother Charley, but Joey Doyle and all the longshoremen that were affected by Friendly’s corruptive corruption and cynical wrath. Therefore, completing his moral transformation is not the cause of his love for a single individual, rather the collection of all his influences, conflicts and regrets.
Nevertheless, It is undeniable that Malloy’s love for Edie has an important effect on the decisions that he ultimately comes to make. However, it is imprudent to suggest that he is simply changed by love as there are numerous components that contributed to his moral awakening into a man that knows his place and “rights” amongst society. not necessary and doesn't flow
Corrections/comments in red
Suggestions in green
Overall good use of evidence (although it is rather generic) but grammar and syntax need work. Try reading your piece out aloud (metaphorically) and punctuate according to where you take breaths and pauses etc. Reading out aloud also helps identify sentences which don't flow and helps organise syntax.
I'd probably say that this is looking at around a 6-7. Fix up the grammar/syntax/flow and you're looking at an 7/8. =D
Hope I was helpful =D
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