Context - I&B - An individual is always shaped by the society they belong to

[FlorianK]

An individual is always shaped by the society they belong to:
1100 words.

Does society shape people or do people shape society? Can we stay true to ourselves nowadays? Are we always influenced by our environment? Does our identity change if our society changes?
In our current society the influence of people’s environs is very strong. To get accepted by society people often need to assimilate themselves in order to fit in. In many cases we can see that an individual’s identity is shaped – and by extension created – by the society they belong to.

Parents, who are the most influential part of their child’s society, are constantly trying and achieving to shape their successor how they want them to be. Parents always want their children to succeed in life. They want their child to do what they were never able to do, which is why they are constantly pushing their children in somebody they are not. By being able to influence their child’s life from their birth on, parents are able to modify their children’s identity most intensively. In the story “Chinese Lessons” of “Growing up Asian in Australia”, the author Ivy Tseng describes how she was being forced to learn Chinese, taught by her dad, in order to keep connected to her heritage. In the end, being crafted by her dad, she discovers that, even though she initially identified herself more with her Australian side, she also belongs to the culture, drawn onto her by her parents and to help her do that she needs some Mandarin to facilitate communication. It is the bond of culture. From my own observation I can tell that a lot of students are the image of their parents. When I meet a person I am often able to anticipate how their parents’ characteristics are and how they behave. Even in myself I can see how my parents shaped my identity and influenced how I am. They transferred certain values on to me, which made me who I am now. My dad has a PhD in electronics and even though I never got told by him to study anything similar, I am now striving for the same career path. From that I am able conclude that society and in particular someone’s parents are shaping the individual.

People’s identity can be multidimensional since people often don’t belong to only one society. In that case they will behave differently in each group. Every person acts different in different environments. If a student is playing soccer, he will act differently at home, in school and in his soccer club and all three environments will shape him as an individual. Developing a personality that is conditioned by numerous environments is something that occurs when people move countries, or when their parents came from a different country, which in some cases leads into the youngest generation giving up the heritage part of their identity. In the story “Chinese Dancing Bendigo Style” we can see three different parts of the children’s society shaping them. They are being influenced by the Chinese part of their dad, the Australian side of their mom and the hippy way of life that both of their parent share. They become ‘peculiar hybrids’. An individual develops their own uniqueness and idiosyncrasies through the environments shaping who they are and what they will become.

Being changed by peer pressure can have a negative effect on our physical and mental wellbeing and therefore on our identity. Having to fit in to society and certain groups often alters our identity and additionally our morals and values. A lot of people in society nowadays are ready to give up their religion and the values they were taught by their parents to be more acknowledge by the people they belong to. Furthermore people go through immense pain to embed tattoos or piercings into their physical body in order to be welcomed. A clear sign of changing your identity to fit in is that most Asian students tend to ‘Aussify” their names. Some people like Michael Jackson even go through the process of becoming white to be more American. Other people might undergo facial reconstruction to make their appearance not much far from the ideal person that they want to be. The list of peer pressure shaping people physically and mentally goes on and on. How much more heritage and culture need to be given up for the sake of belonging and being acknowledged? In essence peer pressure can lead into metamorphosing someone’s identity and can shape the individual.

Being true to yourself in a world that is constantly trying to push you into somebody you are not is intensely difficult in past and nowadays society, but can lead into success to a great extent. Many people in history became famous due to not being shaped by their society, but by continuing to do what they love to do. In a lot of cases people were held back from their dream due to being suppressed by the people around them or due to not earning money with their passion. In the past and present artists in particular have it hard to make a profit with the love for their work. One of the greatest examples of a person, who weren’t altered by society, but stayed true to himself, is Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh was a Dutch post-impressionist painter, who sold only one of his paintings during his lifetime. He struggled to survive and bought new colours to draw with rather than food in contrast to after his death where his paintings became famous and very expensive. Van Gogh is clearly an example of an individual who is not malleable to the effects of the society around him. Famous Joan of Arc was the leader of the French army in 1429, who without doubt was not accepted by the majority of France as a female army leader. Joan of Arc never changed how she behaved; she was never being influenced by and certainly not moulded by the society she belonged to. Even though the majority of people are being shaped by society there are a few exceptions, which then, due to being an complete individual, achieve great success.

The society we are born into is our identity’s starting point. Through social integration we are able to explore our interests and values and discover our strength. However through social assimilation we are able to experience being shaped in a negative way. By considering how in many cases an individual’s identity is an image of the society surrounding them, the idea that an individual is always affected by the society they belong to seems to be inevitable.

[VivaTequila]

An individual is always shaped by the society they belong to:
1100 words.

I like
I don't like

Does society shape people or do people shape society? Can we stay true to ourselves nowadays? Are we always influenced by our environment? Does our identity change if our society changes?
In our current society the influence of people’s environs is very strong. To get accepted by society people often need to assimilate themselves in order to fit in. In many cases we can see that an individual’s identity is shaped – and by extension created – by the society they belong to.

Parents, who are the most influential part of their child’s society, are constantly trying and achieving to shape their successor how they want them to be (weak expression). Parents always want their children to succeed in life. They want their child to do what they were never able to do, which is why they are constantly pushing their children in somebody they are not (grammar). By being able to influence their child’s life from their birth on, parents are able to modify their children’s identity most intensively. In the story “Chinese Lessons” of “Growing up Asian in Australia”, the author Ivy Tseng describes how she was being forced to learn Chinese, taught by her dad, in order to keep connected to her heritage. In the end, being crafted by her dad, she discovers that, even though she initially identified herself more with her Australian side, she also belongs to the culture, drawn onto her by her parents and to help her do that she needs some Mandarin to facilitate communication. It is the bond of culture. From my own observation I can tell that a lot of students are the image of their parents. When I meet a person I am often able to anticipate how their parents’ characteristics are and how they behave. Even in myself I can see how my parents shaped my identity and influenced how I am. They transferred certain values on to me, which made me who I am now. My dad has a PhD in electronics and even though I never got told by him to study anything similar, I am now striving for the same career path. From that I am able conclude that society and in particular someone’s parents are shaping the individual.

(Rest of the paragraph is well written but it's not a complex idea)

People’s identity can be multidimensional since people often don’t belong to only one society. In that case they will behave differently in each group. Every person acts different in different environments. If a student is playing soccer, he will act differently at home, in school and in his soccer club and all three environments will shape him as an individual. Developing a personality that is conditioned by numerous environments is something that occurs when people move countries, or when their parents came from a different country, which in some cases leads into the youngest generation giving up the heritage part of their identity. In the story “Chinese Dancing Bendigo Style” we can see three different parts of the children’s society shaping them. They are being influenced by the Chinese part of their dad, the Australian side of their mom and the hippy way of life that both of their parent share. They become ‘peculiar hybrids’. An individual develops their own uniqueness and idiosyncrasies through the environments shaping who they are and what they will become.

(I liked this paragraph.)

Being changed by peer pressure can have a negative effect on our physical and mental wellbeing and therefore on our identity. Having to fit in to society and certain groups often alters our identity and additionally our morals and values. A lot of people in society nowadays are ready to give up their religion and the values they were taught by their parents to be more acknowledge by the people they belong to. Furthermore people go through immense pain to embed tattoos or piercings into their physical body in order to be welcomed. A clear sign of changing your identity to fit in is that most Asian students tend to ‘Aussify” their names. Some people like Michael Jackson even go through the process of becoming white to be more American. Other people might undergo facial reconstruction to make their appearance not much far from the ideal person that they want to be. The list of peer pressure shaping people physically and mentally goes on and on. How much more heritage and culture need to be given up for the sake of belonging and being acknowledged? In essence peer pressure can lead into metamorphosing someone’s identity and can shape the individual.

(While not profound, the rhetorical questions seem to work well for you. I'm never convinced until I see them, because the expression and ideas are good, but not fantastic. But idk, the rhetorical questions give you a cutting edge, and they're not hard to employ either. I'd keep using them)


Being true to yourself in a world that is constantly trying to push you into somebody you are not is intensely difficult in past and nowadays society, but can lead into success to a great extent. Many people in history became famous due to not being shaped by their society, but by continuing to do what they love to do. In a lot of cases people were held back from their dream due to being suppressed by the people around them or due to not earning money with their passion. In the past and present artists in particular have it hard to make a profit with the love for their work. One of the greatest examples of a person, who weren’t altered by society, but stayed true to himself, is Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh was a Dutch post-impressionist painter, who sold only one of his paintings during his lifetime. He struggled to survive and bought new colours to draw with rather than food in contrast to after his death where his paintings became famous and very expensive. Van Gogh is clearly an example of an individual who is not malleable to the effects of the society around him. Famous Joan of Arc was the leader of the French army in 1429, who without doubt was not accepted by the majority of France as a female army leader. Joan of Arc never changed how she behaved; she was never being influenced by and certainly not moulded by the society she belonged to. Even though the majority of people are being shaped by society there are a few exceptions, which then, due to being an complete individual, achieve great success.

(You've said very little in a lot of words)

The society we are born into is our identity’s starting point. Through social integration we are able to explore our interests and values and discover our strength. However through social assimilation we are able to experience being shaped in a negative way. By considering how in many cases an individual’s identity is an image of the society surrounding them, the idea that an individual is always affected by the society they belong to seems to be inevitable.

Not bad I guess. I didn't get enough of the text throughout that, and I felt like all the ideas were very basic - albeit however very well written. There was too much writing, not enough "oomph". Nothing in that piece was challenging and provoked thought.

It would score highly for it's merits, no less than a 7 out of 10, possibly scraping an 8 if lucky

I didn't do this context, how hard it is to come up with good ideas?

[werdna]

An individual is always shaped by the society they belong to:
1100 words.

Sorry I won't be able to give really detailed critiques ATM but here goes.

Does society shape people or do people shape society? Can we stay true to ourselves nowadays? Are we always influenced by our environment? Does our identity change if our society changes?
In our current society the influence of people’s environs is very strong. To get accepted by society people often need to assimilate themselves in order to fit in. In many cases we can see that an individual’s identity is shaped – and by extension created – by the society they belong to.

Good introduction, however I'm not 100% sure on the use of questions...

Parents, who are the most influential part of their child’s society, are constantly trying and achieving to shape their successor how they want them to be. Parents always want their children to succeed in life. They want their child to do what they were never able to do, which is why they are constantly pushing their children in somebody they are not. By being able to influence their child’s life from their birth on, parents are able to modify their children’s identity most intensively. In the story “Chinese Lessons” of “Growing up Asian in Australia”, the author Ivy Tseng describes how she was being forced to learn Chinese, taught by her dad, in order to keep connected to her heritage. In the end, being crafted by her dad, she discovers that, even though she initially identified herself more with her Australian side, she also belongs to the culture, drawn onto her by her parents and to help her do that she needs some Mandarin to facilitate communication. It is the bond of culture. From my own observation I can tell that a lot of students are the image of their parents. When I meet a person I am often able to anticipate how their parents’ characteristics are and how they behave. Even in myself I can see how my parents shaped my identity and influenced how I am. They transferred certain values on to me, which made me who I am now. My dad has a PhD in electronics and even though I never got told by him to study anything similar, I am now striving for the same career path. From that I am able conclude that society and in particular someone’s parents are shaping the individual.

Avoid generalisations and absolutes like 'parents always...' Underline the title GUAA, no quotation marks. Good inclusion of personal anecdote, however try to link/compare/contrast your experiences with Ivy's eg. 'Similar to Ivy/In contrast to Ivy...' or 'In order to belong it is important that we channel the positivity of individuals such as Ivy...' Linking/concluding sentence at the end needs to be broad, avoid first person and start it with a linking word.

People’s identity can be multidimensional since people often don’t belong to only one society. In that case they will behave differently in each group. Every person acts different in different environments. If a student is playing soccer, he will act differently at home, in school and in his soccer club and all three environments will shape him as an individual. Developing a personality that is conditioned by numerous environments is something that occurs when people move countries, or when their parents came from a different country, which in some cases leads into the youngest generation giving up the heritage part of their identity. In the story “Chinese Dancing Bendigo Style” we can see three different parts of the children’s society shaping them. They are being influenced by the Chinese part of their dad, the Australian side of their mom and the hippy way of life that both of their parent share. They become ‘peculiar hybrids’. An individual develops their own uniqueness and idiosyncrasies through the environments shaping who they are and what they will become.

Avoid contractions like 'don't' and generalisations like 'he will act'. Use more of an active voice, eg. change 'they are being influenced' to 'they are influenced' or '... influences...' More relation to prompt is needed in this paragraph.

Being changed by peer pressure can have a negative effect on our physical and mental wellbeing and therefore on our identity. Having to fit in to society and certain groups often alters our identity and additionally our morals and values. A lot of people in society nowadays are ready to give up their religion and the values they were taught by their parents to be more acknowledge by the people they belong to. Furthermore people go through immense pain to embed tattoos or piercings into their physical body in order to be welcomed. A clear sign of changing your identity to fit in is that most Asian students tend to ‘Aussify” their names. Some people like Michael Jackson even go through the process of becoming white to be more American. Other people might undergo facial reconstruction to make their appearance not much far from the ideal person that they want to be. The list of peer pressure shaping people physically and mentally goes on and on. How much more heritage and culture need to be given up for the sake of belonging and being acknowledged? In essence peer pressure can lead into metamorphosing someone’s identity and can shape the individual.

Strong paragraph - however once again, try to relate back to the prompt more. Also try to explore both sides of the ideas.


Being true to yourself in a world that is constantly trying to push you into somebody you are not is intensely difficult in past and nowadays society, but can lead into success to a great extent. Many people in history became famous due to not being shaped by their society, but by continuing to do what they love to do. In a lot of cases people were held back from their dream due to being suppressed by the people around them or due to not earning money with their passion. In the past and present artists in particular have it hard to make a profit with the love for their work. One of the greatest examples of a person, who weren’t altered by society, but stayed true to himself, is Vincent Van Gogh. Van Gogh was a Dutch post-impressionist painter, who sold only one of his paintings during his lifetime. He struggled to survive and bought new colours to draw with rather than food in contrast to after his death where his paintings became famous and very expensive. Van Gogh is clearly an example of an individual who is not malleable to the effects of the society around him. Famous Joan of Arc was the leader of the French army in 1429, who without doubt was not accepted by the majority of France as a female army leader. Joan of Arc never changed how she behaved; she was never being influenced by and certainly not moulded by the society she belonged to. Even though the majority of people are being shaped by society there are a few exceptions, which then, due to being an complete individual, achieve great success.

Good use of examples. One thing - avoid using the second person 'you' in a formal essay. I would stick to third person throughout the whole essay and use first person only when discussing an anecdote.

The society we are born into is our identity’s starting point. Through social integration we are able to explore our interests and values and discover our strength. However through social assimilation we are able to experience being shaped in a negative way. By considering how in many cases an individual’s identity is an image of the society surrounding them, the idea that an individual is always affected by the society they belong to seems to be inevitable.

Finish with a more powerful statement.

Overall comments: Well done on this essay, a very good essay that I would mistake as a mainstream student's work. More flow and clarity is needed throughout - use linking words, ensure that discussion flows and leads onto other discussion points etc. Complexity of ideas also needs work. Discuss both sides of the argument, be careful with your use of first/second/third person and know when to use it. Also tidy up your structure - perhaps consider having 3 detailed/complex body paragraphs rather than 4 brief ones. Well done! Lines like 'to be true to yourself' are bad because (1) they are cliched and (2) it was from the previous exam topic and plenty of essays have overused this line - avoid it.

Score: 7.5/10