what do you think of this paragraph?

[BigAl]

At the moment, I'm trying to get my ideas organised and this is a little intro. I'm an esl student and the reference text is growing up asians in australia. I know this is so general but I would like to go deeper by each paragraph.

The definition of individuality is used when referring to unique thinking, actions, behaviours and feelings of oneself. Identity is formed during childhood and keeps its shape in the following years with a few deformations. The features of individuality reveal themselves through not only people trying to communicate with each other and the environment but also through emotional reactions, desires and needs. The structure of individuality profoundly affects the relationships with other people as well as acceptance or refusal in the society. Hence, this structure is strongly evaluated in the society based on its traditions and dogmas. On the other hand, not every person is able to bare the pressure of his social responsibilities and a conflict may occur with regard to his communication with other people and desire to make the sense of individuality. In this case, it becomes possible for individuals to differentiate and marginalise themselves away from their societies in both physical and spiritual manners.

[Yendall]

• I would avoid using definitions at the beginning of paragraphs.

Other than that, it's a decent introduction

[BigAl]

Thank you. I tried to write my intro in the form of expository that's why I used a definition in intro. anyways thanks again

[Yendall]

Thank you. I tried to write my intro in the form of expository that's why I used a definition in intro. anyways thanks again

Using a definition is even worse when you're writing an expository. I would steer very clear of it, because it's not showing your knowledge of the concept, it's showing that you can recite the dictionary, if you know what I mean.

[BigAl]

yep got it

[Yendall]

I've also corrected a few grammatical errors

The definition of individuality is used when referring to unique thinking, actions, behaviors and feelings of oneself. Identity is formed during childhood and keeps its shape in the following years, with a few deformations. The features of ones' individuality reveals itself through not only people trying to communicate with each other and the environment, but also through emotional reactions, desires and needs. The structure of individuality profoundly affects the relationships with other people as well as acceptance or refusal in the society. Hence, this structure is strongly evaluated in the society based on its traditions and dogmas. On the other hand, not every person is able to bare the pressure of his social responsibilities and a conflict may occur with regard to this communication with other people and desire to make the sense of individuality. In this case, it becomes possible for individuals to differentiate and marginalise themselves away from their societies in both physical and spiritual manners.