what do you think of my mini essay? identity and belonging

[BigAl]

I'm just making my points compelling at the moment..just general ideas without referring to growing up asians in australia and skin. Thank you.

A sense of acceptance is essential in order to truly belong. According to Abraham Maslow's renowned theory in psychology, belonging is one of the necessary needs of mankind after primary needs such as shelter and food are fulfilled. Surely, a sense of strong acceptance is attained through an intensive environment filled with cultural and traditional elements of our parents. These elements are so tense such that the next generation is alike to their parents from all perspectives. As long as this environment is masterly maintained, individuals do not attempt changing themselves and accept their identities identical to the older generation. On the other hand, in the absence of complimentary desires, individuals preferably  seek other ways to make themselves satisfied with what they believe is appropriate for their identities. There is no doubt that these individuals were not raised in an environment of flexibility but rather under that of tough obligations and enormous expectations. These factors lead individuals to the alteration of themselves thanks to the popular culture and the media. Nevertheless, if an individual cannot nurture himself in the world of alteration, he will be undoubtedly consumed by regret due to longing for his past and what he thought was rigid in the first place. Yet if an individual can strengthen himself throughout his preferable decisions, then he will definitely be having a concrete sense of self assurance.

[nisha]

I never really correct expository ideas, as I am not that kind of writer:/ But I shall try.

I'm just making my points compelling at the moment..just general ideas without referring to growing up asians in australia and skin. Thank you.

A sense of acceptance is essential in order to truly belong. According to Abraham Maslow's renowned theory in psychology, belonging is one of the necessary needs of mankind after primary needs such as shelter and food are fulfilled. Surely, a sense of strong acceptance is attained through an intensive environment filled with cultural and traditional elements of our parents. How? I know these are points, but you have assumed things. In an intensive environment, we could also be the opposite and feel lost, and isolated, even though we are amongst our familyThese elements are so tense such that the next generation is alike to their parents from all perspectives.assuming...personal experience can define one's perspective As long as this environment is masterly maintained, not sure what you mean by thisindividuals do not attempt changing themselves and accept their identities identical to the older generation. On the other hand, in the absence of complimentary desires, individuals preferably  seek other ways to make themselves satisfied with what they believe is appropriate for their identities. There is no doubt that these individuals were not raised in an environment of flexibility but rather under that of tough obligations and enormous expectations. These factors lead individuals to the alteration of themselves thanks to the popular cultureexternal factors and their cultures, yes. and the media. Nevertheless, if an individual cannot nurture himself in the world of alterationclumsy wording: try the word:adapt, he will be undoubtedly consumed by regret due to longing for his past and what he thought was rigid in the first place. how?Yet if an individual can strengthen himself throughout his preferable decisions, then he will definitely be having a concrete sense of self assurance. and is not affected by external factors nor his culture that he is apart of? tie in your ideas more.

[BigAl]

thanks nisha. I will consider your corrections and try to make my point more compelling. As far as I know, if I express strong ideas in the exam, it would be better than writing delicately with empty ideas.

[werdna]

I would avoid using the Maslow example, it has been HEAVILY overused in the past 3 or 4 years. Find other examples that will allow you to really stand out.