Encountering Conflict practice piece.

[lnaa19]

Hey all, I've got another practice essay and am in need of feedback. I wrote this in an hour and twenty minutes and I know I shouldn't be taking this long, but I've got this problem where I always go back and rewrite my sentences.

1141 words, I did not proofread it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you guys!

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[Felicity Wishes]

Few things:
-You have said the word conflict FAR too many times. Try dispute, clash, convergence, quarrel or disagreement. (Just to name a few)
-The example about Abigail is really effective but placing it last is not idea. Two paragraphs on The Crucible is a bit of a no-go (from what I've been told) Try to include your text ideas in one paragraph and make it your first body paragraph.
-Some of your sentences need rewording (but you said you didn't proofread so understandable)
-You've shown good exploration as well. I like how you have approached the prompt.
-Strong conclusion imo.

You're on the right track. Keep it up. 

[lnaa19]

Thanks Lipton 

[lnaa19]

If it's not too much, can you or someone please give me a quick mark range? So that I can see where I stand. (yn)

[Felicity Wishes]

If it's not too much, can you or someone please give me a quick mark range? So that I can see where I stand. (yn)

I'm hoping a mod will see this so they can answer it better but I'd say a 7-8/10

[rife168]

If it's not too much, can you or someone please give me a quick mark range? So that I can see where I stand. (yn)

I'm hoping a mod will see this so they can answer it better but I'd say a 7-8/10

I agree with about 7-8/10, you have some good ideas, but you just need to make sure your language use is more concise and perhaps a bit more sophisticated. Also, your expression sounds somewhat conversational, which would be fine for a speech, but for a formal essay it makes the piece seem less... mature.

For example:
However, in many conflict situations, we can learn from such circumstances.

As a topic sentence it seems too vague and a bit confused.
I would try to be more descriptive, yet succinct.

You could just write something simple like:
However, those involved can learn from the causes of conflict in order to help avoid similar situations in the future.
It doesn't need to be the most brilliant and sophisticated prose littered with superfluous and irrelevant jargon that serves only to arouse the assessor, it just needs to clearly and easily lay out what you will be exploring in the following paragraph.

Actually, I just read back over that particular part, and your second sentence is a lot more directed than your first. Hopefully you can see the difference and can tell why the second sentence is better. It would actually have made a much better topic sentence.

[lnaa19]

Thank you so much for your input guys ^^

[Felicity Wishes]

No probs, keep up the good work!