Urgent help- Language analysis

[studynotes]

I'm really having trouble with this:/ any feedback would be appreciated and a possible mark out of 10.
(VATE 2012 language analysis) wrote this in 50 mins word count: 719

I really need someones advice and few pointers of where I can improve didnt feel comfortable at all when I read this:/
cheers guys!

Ms Alison Laynes’ opinion piece “Friendship and Focus in the Slow Lane” presented as a speech (February at a Year 12 Wellbeing Retreat) explores the safety of young adults during their final year of school. Being a school counsellor she deeply contends to the audience that Year twelve students should care for their wellbeing and safety. Throughout her presentation, Layne has implemented a concerned and conservative tone throughout her speech however adjusts to a more calm appeal at times. Layne has deployed divergent persuasive techniques when presenting her viewpoint.
The title peppers into the Year twelves thoughts that their final year- is a crucial one. By inserting positive connotation and words such as ‘friendship’ and ‘focus’ it embeds into the Year twelves the importance of their final year of schooling has an impact on the rest of their lives. By presenting the words “Slow Lane” she trys to persuade to the audience that Year twelve will feel like ‘countless hours.’
To initiate strength to her speech she starts of by giving her own opinion on Year twelve. ‘Good morning everyone’ to position the year twelve students she begins with a positive attitude, by doing this the students feel welcomed before Layne even starts her speech. She also hints out out how she is a part of this particular school ‘what a pleasure…to be back with all you this year.’ Throughout the introduction of her speech Layne has presented inclusive language, by necessarily stating ‘I’ to hint out that she has gone through this experience as well. By doing this it adds quality to her presentation as the year twelves don’t believe they’re on their own.
Furthermore the presenter beings in her first slide by talking about the safety procedures of the ‘end of year celebrations.’ To add depth to her viewpoint she has deployed pictorial support to sense out what she is referring to. With all the teenagers hand up high and their screaming nature it initiates in the audience head that these celebrations are only about the ‘fun’. ‘Looks like they’re having a great time doesnt it?’ by inserting this rhetoric question she questions the year twelve end of year plans discreetly. Through the first slide she gives a concerned appeal to the year twelve student’s and stating that during these celebrations it is ‘important’ to lookout for each other.
The second slide of her speech sparks on a true story. At the beginning of her slide Layne has developed various rhetorical questions ‘en route to your P’s?’ and ‘its everything isn’t it?’ through her intelligent way of questioning the listeners it reminds them why she is making this speech. Throughout the rest of her second slide she has portrayed an anecdotal evidence of the experiences ‘Phil’ faced during year twelve which makes the audience to re-think about their choices. She comments that ‘typically conservative parents’ and ‘brakes on the social development of their children’ by using this loaded language it sinks into the year twelve students minds that their parents are only looking out for their children. Through her strong statistics ‘blew 0.077 in a subsequent breath test’ presents to the audience the large amount of alcohol consumed by ‘Phil’. By implementing this technique it vividly pictures in the students minds what they’d do if they were in that position. The students also re-think about their choices and wonder if drinking is worth losing their life. In her second slide she again has demonstrated pictorial support of ‘Phil’s’ family car ‘smashed’ into a telephone pole. By using this picture it positions the listeners into believing that alcohol can have a great effect on an individual.
To end her presentation she gives a little summary of year twelve. She has presented inclusive language of words such as ‘we won’t’ in order to engage with the audience. Her necessity to use the repetition of the words ‘we won’t’ sticks in year twelve students imagination of all the need they ‘want’ in year twelve.

To end her presentation she foes onto demonstrating her first slide again, in order to tell the students to enjoy year twelve. Throughout the conclusion of her speech she has shown a vast use of positive connotation so that the students can feel happy about the final year of schooling for the students at ‘Alwell College’.