Last minute feedback! - Language analysis

[emiinaaa]

Hey, could I please receive some general feedback as to what score I could expect in the exam with a language analysis like this?

Also is my concluding paragraph too dodgy? Should I have attempted a proper conclusion?


As the number of child beauty pageants has grown rapidly in recent years, debate has surfaced on the value of child participation in such competitions. J. Rodd addresses the issue in her feature article Materialistic, Narcissistic, Unrealistic: Child Beauty Pageants, published in the Avonlea Scrutineer on 2.2.2011, contending in a scathing tone that child beauty pageants are inappropriate ways for portraying the real beauty of our younger generation. Rodd’s article, along with accompanying visuals, stress that not only are child beauty pageants a waste of time, but they are expensive and detrimental to young girls’ self-esteem, persuading her readers and the general population to share her point of view.

Rodd argues that beauty pageants are “materialistic, narcissistic, unrealistic,” positioning a quote on inner beauty at the beginning of her article. The quote is further supported by the “truism” and cliché “We’re all beautiful in our own way,” positioning readers to acknowledge that real beauty is “that which no picture can express” as a commonly accepted and well-known fact. Rodd scornfully warns against beauty pageants in an era where many are “obsessed with glitz and glamour,” as they take the emphasis away from natural beauty, and evokes concern in readers by stating that the number of pageants is growing “exponentially,” exaggerating this as an uncontrollable rate. Rodd counterattacks that pageant girls love “dressing up…feeling special…being in the centre of attention” with an ironical “If only this were so,” swaying readers to believe such claims are nothing but purported.

Rodd elaborates on the “toxic atmosphere of rivalry” that arises at child beauty pageants, presenting readers with terms such as “very nasty [moms]” and the “brutal truth” of the possibilities of losing, positioning them to develop a distaste for such “time-wast[ing]” events and question its real benefits. The writer reminds readers that both winning and losing have consequences such as being “trapped in a self-confining cycle of performance anxiety” or suffering “lasting damage to their self-esteem,” coercing readers into believing the only solution is to end child beauty pageants altogether. To further provide impact to her statement of the ramifications of participation in child beauty pageants, Rodd includes a cartoon that depicts a lonesome young girl “masquerade[d]” as a princess, with the caption “Sometimes I’m the only one who appreciates my specialness.” This illustrates the writer’s claims of the decline in self-esteem of young pageant participants, evoking sympathy in readers for such children. Furthermore, a statement by William Pinsof, a psychologist, acts as a backbone to Rodd’s opinion on the issue, and provides readers with expert knowledge of how “being a little Barbie doll” unleashes “a whole complex of destructive self-experiences,” which sways readers to accept her point of view.

Rodd creates an appeal to readers’ hip-pocket nerve by denigrating child beauty pageants as they are just a “cynical exercise in marketing.” This positions readers to view parents of the young girls as irresponsible users of money, as they “pay dearly for their folly,” which portrays pageants as merely foolish acts that commonly drive families into debt. Rodd then appeals to readers’ logic by questioning the reasoning behind such extreme costs, suggesting that it may not actually be what the child wants but the parents who are “trying to live through their kids.” Through this, and the statement that the child is “paraded like some circus freak,” the writer elicits more commiseration and pity for the children who are the products of “[ir]responsible” parenting.

Towards the denouement of her article, Rodd targets readers’ common sense by asserting that it is “surely…wrong” that young, vulnerable children are “robbed of the innocence of childhood,” suggesting that beauty pageants do not fit under “innocen[t]” and have no place in one’s childhood. Through the use of loaded language, such as “dumped into the distorted and pretentious world of beauty pageants,” Rodd evokes further concern in readers about the willingness of children to participate in such “distorted” events. A visual image of a Barbie doll is included alongside further attacks at pageants, in which children are “plastered with makeup,” “provocatively dressed” and “flaunted,” to illustrate to readers that children whose parents “value” them do not deserve to be labelled as “dolls.” To conclude, Rodd creates alarm in readers by stating that through beauty pageants our youngest generation is being used to gratify “adult appetites,” thus persuading readers to see the futility and inappropriateness of child beauty pageants in our society.


It's from the Chemology 2011 trial exam, and I wrote it in just over an hour.

Word count: 732 :/


Thanks in advance!
 

[jamesaattard]

The debate surrounding the frequency of unethical child beauty pageants is one which has again reached the forefront of our collective conscience following consistent instances of immoral activities within the competition, with likely solutions for the issue a feature of public discourse. Particularly among parents, the integral need for societal reform regarding the issue has been sporadically posited, many suggesting the acts to be in contrast with the parental values of acceptance and compassion. Specifically effecting those parents who would contribute to this culture but more broadly the young girls impacted, the discussion centres on the damaging nature of forcing young vulnerable children into such a cruel atmosphere, the scars in which are long standing within this demographic, thus bringing into question the necessity for an effective resolution to the issue. In her opinion piece published in the Avonlea Scrutineer on 2 February 2011, J. Rodd aims to address this widely debated issue while contending that in order to treat our children with respect and dignity we should put an end to children’s beauty pageants. Rodd’s article is delivered in a semi-formal register which effectively delivers the author’s arguments and ideas. The target audience the author has chosen to direct their article towards are the parents responsible for pushing their children into the volatile atmosphere. It can be observed in this piece that Rodd’s purpose is to shed light on the issue, ultimately shaping the beliefs of society in which she can put an end to beauty pageants in an attempt to protect the children facing such damaging critique.
Rodd firstly argues, in a critical tone, that beauty pageants are merely a toxic atmosphere of rivalry and artificial looks. By placing quotation marks on the word “moms” when referring to pageant mums, Rodd is making an attempt to convey to her audience that any mom responsible for such immoral actions is not a real mother to their children. This immediately strikes shame and guilt within her readership, positioning them to question their involvement as they are not the parent they thought they were. Additionally, Rodd likens children in beauty pageants to “barbie dolls” in her inclusion of Willian Pinsof’s findings. The allusion to plastic dolls aims to strike a chord within the audience as they are forced to face the reality that their children are being morphed into something that is not human, something artificial. The implementation of this allusion is a tactical ploy to confront parents who support such activities in which Rodd aims to shift the opinions of parents into alliance with that of her own contention. The inclusion of the image depicting a princess is made by Rodd in an effort to demonstrate the reality of the issue. She draws comparisons with the fake looks and aesthetic of the princess to children in beauty pageants. The use of hyperbole is evident in the ridiculous exaggeration of the scale in which the children have morphed into princesses, however the effects potent on the parents who ultimately decide on whether or not their children take part in the competitions. The audience is shown this visual as they can immediately recognize that their children should not resemble a fictional cartoon princess, therefore altering their views on artificial emphasis in beauty competitions to mirror Rodd’s own opinions.
Moreover, Rodd asserts that the involvement in beauty pageants brings with it externalities which are put on parents and their children. In her argument, Rodd uses listing to emphasize the extent of which the competition weighs on the wallets of contributing parents. She details the “cost of entry fees, transport, accommodation, tanning, hair pieces, and possibly cosmetic surgery.” The shocking reality of the extreme expenses parents face is an attempt made by Rodd to bring sense to parents that the monetary loss on this activity is simply not worth it. By inferring that the costs are ridiculous, the audience is positioned to feel as though they are not benefiting from the contest as they once thought they were. The sudden realization within her readership will ultimately place them in a position to be further convinced that the costs of beauty pageants do not mirror the satisfaction gained from either the parents or the children partaking in it. Commenting with a condemnatory tone evident in the lexis “what kind of parents” and “paraded like a circus freak”, Rodd seeks to accentuate the lack of responsibility and care in the parents’ actions, the use of the rhetorical question in “what kind” connoting a sense that these parents are overall bad. As a result, the reader is left disgusted at themselves that this disrespect has been allowed to continue, inclined to see it as in contrast with the parental values of individuality and respect. Overall, in an initial demeaning argument Ford emphasises the issue of abuse of women to be one of societal concern. Coupled with her argument is the addition of the cartoon, the young girl standing within the boarder is depicted as being very small. This is achieved through the exaggerated empty space around her, highlighting her early age and vulnerability. Additionally, the young girl is portrayed as being faceless. This extreme lack of character and individuality alludes to Rodd’s assertion that children in the industry are left without a sense of self, that they are artificial. Rodd’s audience is therefore left feeling shameful for committing the atrocity unto their innocent children, ultimately placed in a position to advocate for change. Similarly, the colloquial phrase attached to the bitter image exhibits the scale of the issue. The use of the word “specialness” highlights the early age of the girl, the nature of her innocence and purity as she is at an age in which she cannot speak maturely and properly. Through the association of pageant girls to the young faceless child in the cartoon, Rodd calls on parents to put an end to their actions as they are depicted as being the ones responsible for the stripping of their children’s identity. Overall, opening with a shocking tone the editor argues the magnitude of the issue, suggesting the reader has a moral imperative to seek a solution.
It is lastly argued by Rodd that beauty pageants are cruel and irresponsible. Rodd initially employs alliteration in her labelling of the contest as “materialistic, narcissistic, unrealistic”. The consistent repetition of the sound “stic” is immediately impactful on the audience, the descriptive adjectives being extremely attacking and confrontational. Parents responsible for such torment are made to feel embarrassed and guilty for forcing their children into such a dangerous atmosphere. Subsequently, this use of alliteration enables Rodd to directly confront her audience, encouraging to question whether they are doing the right thing by their kids. The purposeful inclusion of the final quotation is an attempt made by Rodd to demonstrate to her audience that young girls are in a vulnerable position, particularly susceptible to self-esteem issues. By providing the impartial view by Francis Bacon, in that “all little girls should be told that they are pretty”, she demonstrates to her audience that this is a crucial step to combat self-esteem problems within the demographic of young girls. This ultimately positions Rodd’s audience to form their views in alignment with that of her own as it is shown to be supported by Francis Bacon, an external, unbiased voice on the issue. The culmination of these literary devices coerces the reader to express opinions in which reflect Rodd’s, that parents must cease dragging their children into the world of narcissistic beauty pageants.
yeet
:3

[sdfg]

The debate surrounding the frequency of unethical child beauty pageants is one which has again reached the forefront of our collective conscience following consistent instances of immoral activities within the competition, with likely solutions for the issue a feature of public discourse. This sentence is a bit wordy - try and reword it and be specific to to what you're trying to convey. Particularly among parents, the integral need for societal reform regarding the issue has been sporadically posited, many suggesting the acts to be in contrast with the parental values of acceptance and compassion. Specifically effecting those parents who would contribute to this culture but more broadly the young girls impacted, the discussion centres on the damaging nature of forcing young vulnerable children into such a cruel atmosphere, the scars in which are long standing within this demographic, thus bringing into question the necessity for an effective resolution to the issue. This background info is relevant to what you're talking about but not essential so I wouldn't add it. It's better to be short and sweet in your introduciton and spend the time on the body paragraphs where the majority of your marks come from instead. In her opinion piece published in the Avonlea Scrutineer on 2 February 2011, J. Rodd aims to address this widely debated issue while contends that in order to treat our children with respect and dignity we should put an end to children’s beauty pageants. Rodd’s article is delivered in a semi-formal register which effectively delivers the author’s arguments and ideas. The target audience The author has chosen to directs their article towards are the parents responsible for pushing their children into the volatile atmosphere This could come off as you giving your opinion which is a big no-no in A.A so I would just say 'beauty pageants".. It can be observed in this piece that Rodd’s purpose is to shed light on the issue "Shed light" is a bit general and neutral - is she critical or supportive?, ultimately shaping the beliefs of society in which she can put an end to beauty pageants in an attempt to protect the children facing such damaging critique.

Rodd firstly argues, in a critical tone, that beauty pageants are merely a toxic atmosphere of rivalry and artificial looks. By placing quotation marks on the word “moms” when referring to pageant mums, Rodd is making an attempts to convey to her audience that any mom responsible for such immoral actions is not a real mother to their children. This immediately strikes shame and guilt within her readership, positioning them to question their involvement as they are not the parent they thought they were Elaborate on this part. Otherwise good analysis . Additionally, Rodd likens children in beauty pageants to “barbie dolls” in her inclusion of Willian Pinsof’s findings. The allusion to plastic dolls aims to strike a chord within the audience as they are forced to face the reality that their children are being morphed into something that is not human, something artificial. The implementation of this allusion is a tactical ploy to confront parents who support such activities in which Rodd aims to shift the opinions of parents into alliance with that of her own contention Again good analysis but try and elaborate a bit more. What you have now is a too general (all you're saying is technique --> makes audience side with author).. The inclusion of the image depicting a princess is made by Rodd in an effort to demonstrate the reality of the issue. She draws comparisons with the fake looks and aesthetic of the princess to children in beauty pageants. The use of hyperbole is evident in the ridiculous exaggeration of the scale in which the children have morphed into princesses, however the effect's potent on the parents who ultimately decide on whether or not their children take part in the competitions. The audience is shown this visual as they can immediately recognize that their children should not resemble a fictional cartoon princess, therefore altering their views on artificial emphasis in beauty competitions to mirror Rodd’s own opinions Too general - explicitly state what Rodd's opinion is..

Moreover, Rodd asserts that the involvement in beauty pageants brings with it externalities which are put on parents and their children. In her argument, Rodd uses listing to emphasize the extent of which the competition weighs on the wallets of contributing parents. She details the “cost of entry fees, transport, accommodation, tanning, hair pieces, and possibly cosmetic surgery.” The shocking reality of the extreme expenses parents face is an attempt made by Rodd to bring sense to parents that the monetary loss on this activity is simply not worth it. By inferring that the costs are ridiculous, the audience is positioned to feel as though they are not benefiting from the contest as they once thought they were. The sudden realization within her readership will ultimately place them in a position to be further convinced that the costs of beauty pageants do not mirror the satisfaction gained from either the parents or the children partaking in it This sentence is basically a repeat of the last one.. Commenting with a condemnatory tone evident in the lexis “what kind of parents” and “paraded like a circus freak”, Rodd seeks to accentuate the lack of responsibility and care in the parents’ actions, the use of the rhetorical question in “what kind” connoting a sense that these parents are overall bad. As a result, the reader is left disgusted at themselves that this disrespect has been allowed to continue, inclined to see it as in contrast with the parental values of individuality and respect. Overall, in an initial demeaning argument Ford ? emphasises the issue of abuse of women to be one of societal concern. Coupled with her argument is the addition of the cartoon, the young girl standing within the boarder is depicted as being very small. This is achieved through the exaggerated empty space around her, highlighting her early age and vulnerability And...? You're on the right track here but you need to go a bit further. . Additionally, the young girl is portrayed as being faceless. This extreme lack of character and individuality alludes to Rodd’s assertion that children in the industry are left without a sense of self, that they are artificial. Rodd’s audience is therefore left feeling shameful for committing the atrocity unto their innocent children, ultimately placed in a position to advocate for change. Similarly, the colloquial phrase attached to the bitter image exhibits the scale of the issue. The use of the word “specialness” highlights the early age of the girl, the nature of her innocence and purity as she is at an age in which she cannot speak maturely and properly. Through the association of pageant girls to the young faceless child in the cartoon, Rodd calls on parents to put an end to their actions as they are depicted as being the ones responsible for the stripping of their children’s identity. Overall, opening with a shocking tone the editor argues the magnitude of the issue, suggesting the reader has a moral imperative to seek a solution.

It is lastly argued by Rodd that beauty pageants are cruel and irresponsible. Rodd initially employs alliteration in her labelling of the contest as “materialistic, narcissistic, unrealistic”. The consistent repetition of the sound “stic” is immediately impactful on the audience, the descriptive adjectives being extremely attacking and confrontational Very good observation here but what exactly about the "stic" sound makes it attacking and confrontational?. Parents responsible for such torment are made to feel embarrassed and guilty for forcing their children into such a dangerous atmosphere. Subsequently, this use of alliteration enables Rodd to directly confront her audience, encouraging to question whether they are doing the right thing by their kids Bit general. I would just remove this sentence.. The purposeful inclusion of is an attempt made by Rodd to demonstrate to her audience that young girls are in a vulnerable position, particularly susceptible to self-esteem issues. By providing the impartial view by Francis Bacon, in that “all little girls should be told that they are pretty”, she demonstrates to her audience that this is a crucial step to combat self-esteem problems within the demographic of young girls. This ultimately positions Rodd’s audience to form their views in alignment with that of her own as it is shown to be supported by Francis Bacon, an external, unbiased voice on the issue. Good. You could also talk about how what Francis Bacon said is presented in the article. The culmination of these literary devices coerces the reader to express opinions in which reflect Rodd’s, that parents must cease dragging their children into the world of narcissistic beauty pageants.

[scout]

Hey, could I please receive some general feedback as to what score I could expect in the exam with a language analysis like this?

Also is my concluding paragraph too dodgy?  Should I have attempted a proper conclusion? Don't look at any quotes in your conclusion. It should simply sum up the main points in your analysis (contention, arguments, ultimately intended effect perhaps to wrap everything up nicely). It can sound quite mechanical actually because it's the least important part of AA, so don't stress too much about it. Focus on analysis.


As the number of child beauty pageants has grown rapidly in recent years, debate has surfaced on the value of child participation in such competitions. J. Rodd addresses the issue in her feature article Materialistic, Narcissistic, Unrealistic: Child Beauty Pageants, published in the Avonlea Scrutineer on 2.2.2011, contending in a scathing tone that child beauty pageants are inappropriate ways for portraying the real beauty of our younger generation. Rodd’s article, along with accompanying visuals, stresses that not only are child beauty pageants a waste of time, but they are expensive and detrimental to young girls’ self-esteem, persuading her readers and the general population if you can, try to pinpoint a more restricted sector of the population. I imagine the article will target parents of young children in particular? - if so, this would add more shape to your analysis to share her point of view.

Rodd argues that beauty pageants are “materialistic, narcissistic, unrealistic,” positioning a quote on inner beauty at the beginning of her article. The quote is further supported by the “truism” and cliché “We’re all beautiful in our own way,” positioning readers to acknowledge that real beauty is “that which no picture can express” as a commonly accepted and well-known fact. Rodd scornfully warns against beauty pageants in an era where many are “obsessed with glitz and glamour,” as they take the emphasis away from natural beauty, and evokes concern in readers by stating that the number of pageants is growing “exponentially,” exaggerating this as an uncontrollable rate. Rodd counterattacks that pageant girls love “dressing up…feeling special…being in the centre of attention” with an ironical “If only this were so,” swaying readers to believe such claims are nothing but purported.

Rodd elaborates on the “toxic atmosphere of rivalry” that arises at child beauty pageants, presenting readers with terms such as “very nasty [moms]” and the “brutal truth” of the possibilities of losing, positioning them to develop a distaste for such “time-wast[ing]” events and question its real benefits. The writer reminds readers that both winning and losing have consequences such as being “trapped in a self-confining cycle of performance anxiety” or suffering “lasting damage to their self-esteem,” coercing readers into believing the only solution is to end child beauty pageants altogether. To further provide impact to her statement of the ramifications of participation in child beauty pageants, Rodd includes a cartoon that depicts a lonesome young girl “masquerade[d]” as a princess, with the caption “Sometimes I’m the only one who appreciates my specialness.” This illustrates the writer’s claims of the decline in self-esteem of young pageant participants, evoking sympathy in readers for such children. Furthermore, a statement by William Pinsof, a psychologist, acts as a backbone to Rodd’s opinion on the issue, and provides readers with expert knowledge of how “being a little Barbie doll” unleashes “a whole complex of destructive self-experiences,” which sways readers to accept her point of view - you can also further explore the analogy to Barbie dolls. Do Barbie dolls = fragility? Lack of autonomy - passive? What do Barbie dolls traditionally represent? Just looks?.

Rodd creates an appeal to readers’ hip-pocket nerve by denigrating child beauty pageants as they are just a “cynical exercise in marketing.” This positions readers to view parents of the young girls as irresponsible users of money, as they “pay dearly for their folly,” which portrays pageants as merely foolish acts that commonly drive families into debt good point - so young girls have been objectified in a sense. Rodd then appeals to readers’ logic by questioning the reasoning behind such extreme costs, suggesting that it may not actually be what the child wants but the parents who are “trying to live through their kids.” Through this, and the statement that the child is “paraded like some circus freak,”  great quote - unpack it! I get the idea of a poor puppet-like figure being mocked and dehumanised, eventhe writer elicits more commiseration and pity for the children who are the products of “[ir]responsible” parenting.

Towards the denouement of her article, Rodd targets readers’ common sense by asserting that it is “surely…wrong” that young, vulnerable children are “robbed of the innocence of childhood,” suggesting that beauty pageants do not fit under “innocen[t]” and have no place in one’s childhood. Through the use of loaded language, such as “dumped into the distorted and pretentious world of beauty pageants,” Rodd evokes further concern in readers about the willingness - other than children's potential unwillingness to participate, what might the quote hint at? E.g. parents' attitudes towards children of children to participate in such “distorted” events. A visual image of a Barbie doll is included alongside further attacks at pageants, in which children are “plastered with makeup,” “provocatively dressed” and “flaunted,” to illustrate to readers that children whose parents “value” them do not deserve to be labelled as “dolls.” perhaps you also find the image disturbing? Disgusting? Even explicit? I suppose this is your conclusion? -->To conclude, Rodd creates alarm in readers by stating that through beauty pageants our youngest generation is being used to gratify “adult appetites,” great quote - now make your analysis specific to it. 'Adult appetites' --> exploitation of innocence for dirty greed - purity vs corruption --> creates a monstrous portrait of adults/parents thus persuading readers to see the futility - how do you come to this conclusion?and inappropriateness of child beauty pageants in our society.


It's from the Chemology 2011 trial exam, and I wrote it in just over an hour.

Word count: 732 :/


Thanks in advance!