Dropping out of Medicine? I need advice!

[paulsterio]

So, today, I check my email and I come across a little bad news and a little good news and am left with a big headache. Bad news first, my request to transfer to BSc/BEd was rejected, but that's not a big deal to me anyways, because I can just do a DipEd/Masters after my degree. But the good news is that my BSc/BCompSc transfer request went through.



Anyways, I have until the 10th to respond to whether I want the offer or not and really, the issue is that I don't know what to do. There are really only three things I can do:
1) Accept the offer
2) Decline the offer and continue with Medicine
3) Decline the offer and defer Medicine

The deferring option is looking increasingly nice, giving me a year off to get my act together and work out what I really want, but the crux of the issue is that I don't want to defer and deferring won't do anything to change the circumstances I'm in. I'd rather not spend a year sitting around at home doing nothing.

So, that really leaves me with the top two options, Science or Medicine. Is this life changing for my future? Probably not really, considering I never really wanted to become a doctor anyway. Is it life changing for me right now, in the present? Yes it is, I've come across many obstacles on my way here. I've copped it from parents, who don't really understand why I want to transfer, I've copped it from peers, some of whom still think I'm crazy to drop out of Medicine and I've copped it from other peers who think dropping out of Medicine is selfish because I "stole someone else's spot". Well, I guess it kinda is, and if the person who happened to lose their place at Monash Med because of me, well I'm sorry.

But that's not my great dilemma. My great dilemma is how to deal with the parents. They strongly oppose my decision and I've received threats my way, including things such as disownment, kicking me out...etc. Of course I could just transfer and like #yolo it but it doesn't solve the situation. It's not an issue of whether my parents actually will kick me out or not, because either way, I'm fine. However, I really do want them to accept and understand the decision I have made, understand that it wasn't an easy decision, understand that there were very specific reasons to why I decided to choose what I chose. It's important to both me and the relationship I have with them for them to understand that.

And that's where I need advice, I know some of you have dealt with difficult parents in the past? How did you overcome your obstacles? Don't say "sit down and talk to them", because I've done that.


Anyways, here's a word to all the prospective medical students out there:

I don't know who might read this, but chances are, once upon a time, I was like you. If you asked me why I wanted to do Medicine, I would say I wanted to do Medicine to help people, but that's complete bullshit, I wanted to help people - sure who doesn't - but that was not the reason I wanted to do Medicine. Like everyone else, I had four reasons - chicks, money, power and chicks. The thing with this is that, you find yourself chasing really artificial and superficial things which don't really get you anywhere.

Chicks? I've lied to so many, saying I do Education or I do Science because I just think saying you do Medicine is the absolute worst way to pick up a girl, ever. (Sorry Thush, pi and co.) Unless, of course, she's doing Medicine as well. Dev (taiga) puts it really nicely by saying - "nobody dates within their course apart from the nerds down at the med faculty" - true story, medical students tend to want nobody else and nobody else wants them. Sad life.

Power? What power? You're exchanging X years of being a slave for X years of being in a position of minor power. Is it worth it? Not really.

Money? Yeah, if you're a hotshot physician or surgeon you'll be raking in the cash, but the truth is, you're going to be underpaid for a very long time before you get there and even when you do get there, you'll probably understand by then that there's more to life than money. So in the end, you might make more than everyone else in total, but the enjoyment you get out of your money, well, that's questionable.

So why do people still want to do Medicine so much? So many year 12s are obsessed with getting into Medicine. But why? It's not because they like the profession, it's because they like the concept of the profession. You know how, you can sometimes fall in love with the concept of someone, falling in love with the qualities they have instead of the person they are? It's the same thing here. You fall in love with the concept of Medicine because everyone around you makes it out to be perfect. It's just like chasing that girl that everyone seems to have a crush on. You'll chase her because you haven't found your true love yet. Medicine is the same, you'll chase it because it's the dream of so many others and because you haven't found anything better to chase, so why not chase the hardest?

It's actually quite perfectly logical, and with the added pressure of parents and friends, of course Medicine seems like the right profession. After all, parents have a great impact on our decisions. It's not just parents, but it's the attitude of everyone else, even medical students themselves, even the university. Medical students are special, they're the only bunch who don't get to pick subjects, the only bunch who spend less than half their degree on campus, they stand out from the crowd. Being a doctor isn't a bad thing to be either hey? When you're finding reasons to want to do Medicine, you'll probably be able to find thousands, if not, there's always that "I'll get a Porsche one day" line!

You know, in the end, you'll probably stick with Medicine even if it turns out to not be what you want, but it seems like everyone is so happy for you. I never smiled when anyone congratulated me for getting into Medicine, it's like I'm happy that I've achieved something great, but not happy with achieving what I have achieved. I've known what I wanted to be since I was in Year 10, I just got carried away for a while there, it was a waste, but I really hope that someone who doesn't truly want to do Medicine (or any other profession for that matter), reads this and understands that it's one thing to chase the dream, but it's another thing when you truly see what it is.

Moderator action: removed real name, sorry for the inconvenience

[pi]

Personally, I think you should defer Medicine for now (so, option 3). But not for the reason of "get my act together", because from you post I think it's pretty clear you believe medicine is not the career for you. But for the reason to buy you time to convince your parents. I'm honestly not sure how you can go about this, but I think that taking this option will stop them from taking drastic action (eg. kicking you out of the house).

Sorry to hear your parents don't understand though :/

I've copped it from other peers who think dropping out of Medicine is selfish because I "stole someone else's spot". Well, I guess it kinda is, and if the person who happened to lose their place at Monash Med because of me, well I'm sorry.

Please don't listen to those guys.

[thushan]

That, Paul, is one truly moving and amazing post.

As to what you should do. This is awful. It's an awful situation mate. Whatever you do, there is going to be a downside to it. If you establish that, you will stop trying to figure out the perfect solution. This will give you the courage to grit your teeth and make a decision that could potentially have quite bad consequences initially...but in the long run will be good for you.

If endless discussion hasn't made them realise, I don't think more discussion will make them realise - this shows your parents are very closed-minded. You are not going to make them understand now. From what you told me Paul, your parents have pretty powerful motivations for forcing you to stay in Med, and that's mainly their sense of shame. They are absolutely petrified that they will become the laughing stock of their community, and the family name will be shamed forever.

However. There may be a chance that they will understand in time to come, when you finish your degree and become a teacher, and perform to the best to your ability and make a difference in students' education - you'd make a good teacher, a bloody amazing one, because you fucking care and you know how to explain stuff to students, and you love teaching. There may be a chance your parents might see how successful you've become, and then they will understand why you've made such a decision.

Then again, harsh words here, if your parents are going to be this closed-minded forever and never accept you for what you are, I'm sorry to say, but they are not worth it.

[Lasercookie]

Personally, I think you should defer Medicine for now (so, option 3)

If they don't react well to him switching his degree, how would his parents react to him taking a gap year though?

[werdna]

Sorry to hear about the situation Paul. What I would suggest is that whilst you do point out that Medicine isn't right for you etc. you should think about all the pro's and con's of everything to make things a bit clearer. Under all that stress, you may not be thinking straight and you might even be convincing yourself that medicine isn't for you. So make a really informed decision to avoid any future doubt or regret. Good luck!

[pi]

Personally, I think you should defer Medicine for now (so, option 3)

If they don't react well to him switching his degree, how would his parents react to him taking a gap year though?

Well he's still in the degree if he's deferred, I'm sure that at the moment they'll react more positively to that.

[paulsterio]

Personally, I think you should defer Medicine for now (so, option 3). But not for the reason of "get my act together", because from you post I think it's pretty clear you believe medicine is not the career for you. But for the reason to buy you time to convince your parents. I'm honestly not sure how you can go about this, but I think that taking this option will stop them from taking drastic action (eg. kicking you out of the house).

Sorry to hear your parents don't understand though :/

Deferring might be a compromise, but it really doesn't change the situation I'm in though - it would make for a pretty bad year, if the undertone is that it's Medicine vs. No Medicine, knowing my parents. You're right, it'll mean they'll be less likely to take drastic action, but the flip side is that if I'm going to transfer anyway, I might as well just transfer now. That's what it really comes down to.

If you get where I'm coming from - I'll be two years behind if I take another year off and I'll be 20 by the time I start first year, which is pretty damn old!

That, Paul, is one truly moving and amazing post.

As to what you should do. This is awful. It's an awful situation mate. Whatever you do, there is going to be a downside to it. If you establish that, you will stop trying to figure out the perfect solution. This will give you the courage to grit your teeth and make a decision that could potentially have quite bad consequences initially...but in the long run will be good for you.

If endless discussion hasn't made them realise, I don't think more discussion will make them realise - this shows your parents are very closed-minded. You are not going to make them understand now.

However. There may be a chance that they will understand in time to come, when you finish your degree and become a teacher, and perform to the best to your ability and make a difference in students' education - you'd make a good teacher, a bloody amazing one, because you fucking care and you know how to explain stuff to students, and you love teaching. There may be a chance your parents might see how successful you've become, and then they will understand why you've made such a decision.

Then again, harsh words here, if your parents are going to be this closed-minded forever and never accept you for what you are, I'm sorry to say, but they are not worth it.

Thank you

But yeah, you're right, every decision will have a downside, but I guess I do want to minimise damage at the same time. So it's not so much just maximum benefit, but minimum damage as well. I don't think my parents are that closed minded, I've had discussions with them and I understand why they want me to do Medicine, what they've told me is rational and understandable and I admit, if I were them (not if I were in their shows, but if I was actually them - with the same beliefs and values), I would have a hard time as well.

Well that's what I hope, I actually hope that one day I can come back and show them that I'm happy despite not continuing with Medicine. But I appreciate the encouragement though, it means a lot, it's more than the "medicine inflating" comments I generally get. Maybe they'll never accept me for who or what I am, but me and my parents, we're a team and we make decisions together, I can't backstab them, it's to do with the issue of trust, even of honour, I can't just cut the ties and do what I want, is that the honourable thing to do?

[brenden]

I agree with Thushan here... There's nothing you can do to make them understand. But with time, this might come. IMO you should take the transfer and the consequences that come along with it and have faith in your parents that eventually you will get what you want and they will understand. If you can live independently, like you said, your main problem is wanting them to understand. While this can't happen (if everyone is agreed on that), you may as well live your life for you (which is what it looks like you're doing) and hope with time they will understand. Another year I think won't help your parents, it will just sort of extend your situation. Change and #yolo shit up. Best of luck.

[thushan]

"Maybe they'll never accept me for who or what I am, but me and my parents, we're a team and we make decisions together, I can't backstab them, it's to do with the issue of trust, even of honour, I can't just cut the ties and do what I want, is that the honourable thing to do?"

Paul. I myself had to make a decision that was similar along the following lines - someone was being unfair to me and putting me in an impossibly difficult position (it wasn't really their fault either, they couldn't help it). It was very difficult because I kept thinking that it was my fault and thinking about the bad thing I had to do. You are in a similar position.

Sometimes Paul, you have to do a bad thing. It's not even as if they deserve the backstab...it's more that you have no choice whatsoever. Remember, THEY put you in this position.

[Aurelian]

Bit of a bizarre suggestion here, but if you do decide to transfer to science/computer science (which, from what I can tell, seems to be the 'right' decision here), it might be a good idea to write your parents a detailed letter or something, containing all your reasoning/explanation/whatever. Then maybe even go away for a few days, stay at a mate's place or something, and just let them think about what you've said and the situation as a whole.

I suggest this because verbal discussions very often just turn into a competition of voices and it's very easy for your parents to point blank refuse to talk. But if everything's written down in front of them, I'm fairly sure they'd be more likely to actually think about what you're saying.

Still, I honestly can't imagine having parents anything like that, so I don't know how feasible my suggestion would actually be :S Hopefully it's at least a little bit helpful...

[thushan]

"I don't think my parents are that closed minded"

I don't believe you. If they weren't, they wouldn't have made plans to boot you, their own son, onto the street.

[brenden]

Bit of a bizarre suggestion here, but if you do decide to transfer to science/computer science (which, from what I can tell, seems to be the 'right' decision here), it might be a good idea to write your parents a detailed letter or something, containing all your reasoning/explanation/whatever. Then maybe even go away for a few days, stay at a mate's place or something, and just let them think about what you've said and the situation as a whole.

I suggest this because verbal discussions very often just turn into a competition of voices and it's very easy for your parents to point blank refuse to talk. But if everything's written down in front of them, I'm fairly sure they'd be more likely to actually think about what you're saying.

Still, I honestly can't imagine having parents anything like that, so I don't know how feasible my suggestion would actually be :S Hopefully it's at least a little bit helpful...

Best suggestion so far IMO. Letters are an awesome form of communication when all else fails.

[Eriny]

With convincing your parents, at this stage, you probably need a neutral observer to mediate. Whether that means appealing to a member of your extended family or perhaps even going to family counselling depends on who you have around to support you. It's a difficult situation and it sounds like emotions are running high, it would be helpful to have someone who can see clearly.

[thushan]

Actually, that's one damned good idea. Paul, what say you?

The person would have to be absolutely neutral - otherwise their hands would be tied too and they'd merely be a puppet.

[nosuperstar]

I don't know how much my opinion would really matter, but from my perspective, deferring Med is pointless in some sense, because taking a year off just realise in the end that you still don't wish to do Med will just be a total waste.
In saying this, if you've lost your original 'witty' motivations for Med, then whats the point in wasting your time.

In wanting to originally switch to BSc/BEd, I think your decision is already made with Bsc/BCSc, based on the Science component in both double degrees. I understand the pressure to please your parents by doing a degree like Med, but you need to do what makes you the happiest and your parents should be able to accept what you want to do.

For example, my parents wanted me to be the 'Asian 5' sort of student, but in the end, I chose business related studies and my success and enjoyment of those subjects changed their views on me, I became independent in their eyes and started shaping my own future around what I enjoyed, rather than what they wanted me to enjoy.

In some sense, I rebelled, it's more serious in your situation, but being independent in your decisions and doing what you think is right is part of growing up, we can't always please those around us. Though you really should sit down with your parents and discuss your issues and options seeing as you have less than a week to reach a decision.